Archive for the ‘i wish i knew then what i know now’ Category

but loving him was red.   Leave a comment

RedIsLove1Let’s play a little game.  I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind.

Ready…

RED.

Now some of you may say words such as “apple”, “wine”, or “shoes”.

Others may say “roses”, “hearts” or “lipsticks”.

Me, and Taylor Swift, we would say “Love”. 

Love is Red.  Red is Love. 

Love comes in many shades of red.  Red is the light and dark shades of love.

Love is butterflies in the stomach and going weak in the knees.

Love is kissing in the rain and dancing under streetlights to the sounds of the city.

Love is looking into his eyes and forgetting that anyone else is in the room.

Love is lying in bed all day and cuddling under the covers.

Love is drinking in dark empty bars on a Tuesday night, just the two of you and the bartender.

Love is telling your mom that you “met someone”

Love is uneasiness when he hasn’t texted you back, and excitement and relief when he calls.

Love is break-ups and broken hearts.

Love is asking your brother or best guy friend for advice.

Love is pints of ice cream, bottles of wine, and your best friend.

Love is loss, and missing, and trying to forget.

Love is remembering the good and feeling the pain that time never seems to take away.

Love is jealousy, confusion, and frustration.

Love is happiness and sadness, sometimes even at the same time.

Love is smiling and laughing again.

Love is running into him when you least expect it.

Love is thinking you moved on, only to stumble back down.

Love is feeling lost, but knowing that you will find yourself eventually.

Love is beginnings, middles, and ends.

Love is yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Love is patience.  Love is impatience.

Love is learning to love another through the good times and the bad.

Love is “I do”, “I will”, and “I promise you”.  Love is sometimes “I don’t know how I’m feeling”.

Love is never black or white.  Love is shades of gray.

Love is red, but sometimes it can be blue.

Love is taking chances and making mistakes.

Love is doubts, fears, regrets, and uncertainties.

Love is “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”.  Love is “I forgive myself”.

Love is learning to love again.

Love is trusting another. Love is trusting yourself.

Love is the best thing that will ever happen, though sometimes it may feel like the worst.

Love is always worth the risk.

Love is fearless.

Love is never giving up.

 

Red- Taylor Swift

all of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who i am.   3 comments

When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you.  But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you.  I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart?  Come on!  That’s not normal! 

This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me. 

Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life.  It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it.  So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy.  In fact, it’s been pretty difficult. 

As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner.  When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago.  Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.  

Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make.  In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when.  I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back.  I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so.  Sorry.

While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight.  After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough.  But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have.  In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris,  I just want you to be happy.  You deserve to be so happy.” 

We all deserve to be happy.  Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away.  But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy.  We really do.  And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.

The Story- Brandi Carlile

if i can love again… and jennifer aniston can love again… so can you…   Leave a comment

Every now and then, I’m reminded of a post I wrote about a year and a half ago.  It’s a post that many have thanked me for writing because it comforted them to know that someone else had experienced the same loss, pain, and heartbreak as they have.  The post is called, Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. who would have known how bitterswee​t this would taste.(http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2011/03/30/regrets-and-mistakes-theyre-memories-made-who-would-have-known-how-bittersweet-this-would-taste/), and I can tell you know that it’s nothing more than a memory from the past.

 

But I’m not here to write about the past… nor the pain one endures from a broken heart.  Instead I am here to provide evidence that one can overcome heartbreak and learn to love again.  Just like Jennifer Aniston, I, myself, am proof that love can find the wounded.

 

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to how one finds love again- nor does (my friend) Jen.  But, I’ll speak for both of us and say that the only way to find love again is to take chances and never give up hope.

 

I’ve been with Cubby for 4 months, and while our relationship has its ups-and-downs, I will admit that he has made me believe again.  Yes, the guy I met on a random Sunday Funday has stolen my heart and helped me see that love is possible (again).

So if I can do it… despite all of the bad luck, heartbreak, and frustration… SO CAN YOU!!!

 

 

 

ten years later.   Leave a comment

A lot can happen in ten years.  For some people, they can fall in love… become engaged… get married… and have a baby.  For others, they may study abroad and only come back to The States every other Christmas.  Then there are those who enroll law school or med school and lose track of time (and their social life)altogether.

But for me, the past ten years since I graduated high school have, in essence, taken me away from everything I knew during the first 18 years of my life.  (Interesting enough, I say this as I prepare to embark on a roadtrip back to Pittsburgh with Cubby, my boyfriend.)  However, ever since I made the decision to plan my 10-year high school reunion this week, high school doesn’t seem that long ago… until I think about everything that has changed since my teenage year.

I don’t talk much about my high school days, and really haven’t done so since I left “The Bubble” (which is what we all used to call our hometown) officially before my sophomore year of college.  In essence, so many things have happened since then, and I’ve grown so much, that they really are simply part of past now.  They include some good memories, as well as some bad ones.  But most importantly, as I reflect upon that time in my life, I have no regrets.  Now I’ll be honest and admit that wasn’t always the case; however, ten years later, I’ve finally let it all go.

love & anxiety: two things that i know a little and a lot about, respectively.   4 comments

The following post was written for the blog, Peace & Penguins,and tackles the topic of Love & Anxiety- which are two things that I know little and a lot about, respectively.

When Alisha asked me to write a guest blog post on Love & Anxiety for Peace & Penguins, I thought that it would be an easy hour therapy session of rehashing my life stories of insecurity, doubts, and regrets.  But unfortunately, for the past week, I’ve struggled to get anything down on paper.  So here I am, over a week after telling her that she’d have my piece in no time, trying to figure out exactly what I can say about love & anxiety…which are ultimately the two words that have haunted me during my 28-year old life. 

While I’ve questioned how to begin this post, I feel that it is important to start off with the following statement: I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve never been in a serious relationship.  However, and it’s an incredibly big HOWEVER, I’m actually (finally) on the verge of entering one…but more on that later. 

Today I came across the following lines in the novel, 50 Shades of Grey, which really struck a chord with me.  Here are the lines, and I’ll explain later:

Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is I just haven’t met anyone who… well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for the fabled trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly moments.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.  Perhaps, I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.  But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.

Anastasia Steele (50 Shades of Grey)

For the majority of my young adult life, I have relied on excuses and sarcasm to answer the question, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”  And when stating my boyfriend-free background and getting stuck responding to the inevitable question, “What do you mean you’ve never been in a relationship?  How is that possible?”, I find the anxiety tingles kicking in as I do my best to change the subject.  But here and now, I’ll put those insecurities aside and tell you that Anxiety is the answer to both of those questions.

Unfortunately I’ve been plagued by anxiety for a while now, and it’s held me back from many things over the years.  But above all, it’s prevented me from experiencing the love that I always dreamed of; from finding the love I always deserved.  For years I’ve thought that there was something wrong with me.  I thought I wasn’t good enough to be loved.  I thought I wasn’t pretty enough to attract the attention of a man.  I thought I would always be alone, because frankly being single is all I’ve really ever known. 

Sure, there were those “boyfriends” during my early teen years that typically lasted a few weeks, and then a few guys in my twenties that stayed around for a couple uncommitted hook-ups.  However, for the most part, I’ve been that girl who finds herself attending weddings without a plus-one and heading home after last call alone in a cab while the other girls leave on the arm of their significant others. 

Now, every once in a while, maybe on the night of a full moon or during a road trip back to Ohio, I’d find myself flirting with a seemingly eligible bachelor and hoping that something more than a one-night stand would come out of it.  But unfortunately, my anxiety almost got the best of me as daylight hit and my internal enemy asserted, “Are you crazy?  He’s doesn’t really like you.  He’s going to leave just like all of the other ones.” 

But something changed this past year; something that I really can’t quite explain myself.  In essence, I’ve lived this year under the motto: I don’t care anymore.  See, instead of letting anxiety hold me back, I’ve fought off the doubts and insecurities and strived to live fearlessly.  (Note: A little liquid courage usually helped too.)  I took some chances…including using a few daring moves and brave one-liners every once in a while.  And with each one of those incidences, I noticed my anxiety towards potential love decreasing. 

So that leads me to “The Now”.  As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I am on the verge of a relationship.  Actually…  I’m in one.  Yes, the girl who thought she’d always be single is in a relationship.  (With a wonderful guy, might I add.)  I’m pretty much living in disbelief, as are my friends and family who have heard my “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” and “I’ll always be a single” lines, but it really is the truth.  Even though it hasn’t yet been discussed, I am practically someone’s girlfriend… which means that I kinda-sorta have a boyfriend. Me?  Really?  Wow.

To be honest, I’m still processing all of this.  I’m trying to convince myself that this is really, while also trying to understand why it’s taken me so long to let myself be in a relationship.  Why did I let my anxiety hinder my happiness?  Why did I let my insecurities get in the way of being someone’s girlfriend?  Why did I let my fears prohibit some amazing guy from being mine?  While I can ask these questions again and again, I’ll never fully be able to uncover the answers.  But I will remember the anxiety I’ve lived with that held me back from being happy all of those years. 

Unfortunately my anxiety is something that I continue to live with.  It’s something that I think I’ll always live with.  But when it comes to love, I’m learning more and more how important it is for me to combat all of my fears and doubts.  For starters, I don’t want to miss out on a chance with a good guy like the one I have right now.  I’ve held myself back many times before and simply, I don’t want to live with regrets anymore.  Sure it’s scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open your heart up, but the risk is worth it.  And honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather know that I took a chance than regret not taking one. 

Let me stress that I’m no expert when it comes to love, and in some ways I’m still not convinced that I’ll ever fully understand it.  But between you and me, I’m much more open to learning more about it.  And that being said, I think I’ll have to start with exploring the whole relationship thing, and maybe officially being someone’s girlfriend. 

Sure, it’s not easy and frankly I’m a bit scared, but I’m going to take these chances…starting with this great guy who has seen past my anxieties and boyfriendless past and see what life has in store for me.  And hopefully, one day, I’ll be writing a post about love without a mention of anxiety.  But for the meantime, I’m just going to take it day-by-day and see what this whole relationship thing is all about. 

XOXO

K

breathe and trust. silence those fears.   2 comments

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
 
It’s interesting how a new guy can make you realize the doubts and insecurities you have.  It may take a few days, call it the new crush honeymoon period if you will, but then all of a sudden your mind starts playing those darn tricks on you again.  Why hasn’t he texted me?  When will I see him again?  Does he really like me?  Boys.  They are put on this earth to drive our already-crazy minds even crazier. 
 
 
No, but seriously, what’s up with me?  I was many hours (and drinks) into Sunday Funday and had no expectations going into the date he proposed.  But now, after having a fantastic first date, here I am struggling with all those troubling thoughts that have scarred me over the past several dateless years.  GRrrr…come on girl, get yourself together!!
 
After mentioning my successful date to a dear friend of mine, she responded, “Breathe and trust.  Silence those fears.”  To be honest, when this message came through I was feeling ridiculously confident and still high from the amazing kissing that concluded our date.  (Yes, I kissed him on the first date.  Actually, I kissed him before our first date, but that’s a whole different story.)  But I found myself thankful for her encouraging words when those fears started surfacing the very next day. 
 
Breathe and trust.  Silence those fears.  That’s what’s keeping my anxious mind (and heart) from falling victim to the worries.  Between you and me, I’ve let my fears hold me back for a very long time- much longer than I’ve ever admitted to on this blog- but I really feel like it’s time to trust myself again- and maybe learn to let myself trust someone else too. 

another one bites the dust.   4 comments

In my last post, I wrote, “This past year (with guys) has been interesting, yet disappointing.”  There have been no truer words spoken by yours truly than these.  Beginning with an escapade last winter, my life has been composed of “Nice to meet you” introductions at the bar to “You are a really good person, but…” dismissals over text.  Yep, that pretty much sums of my (lack of) love life this past year. 

On Sunday, I added another guy to my list of misfortune.  To be fair, I knew it was coming; however, I thought there was a slim chance that this would last more than a few post-hookup texts.  But nope, I was wrong yet again.  Oh well, another one bites the dust.

It really has been quite a year and one that has brought multiple changes, both good and bad.  For some reason, during these last 12-13 months, I have found myself chasing boy after boy with the hope that one of them would turn into something more than a bar drinking buddy or late night text companion.  Sure there’s been all of this disappointment along the way, but I think I’m more upset with myself now than anything.  When did I become a girl reliant on the attention of a guy?

And more importantly, how do I make it stop?

On Saturday morning, I woke up earlier to (FINALLY) work out for the first time a long time.  During that spinning class, one of the things that popped into my mind was how I’ve somehow traded in my therapeutic workouts for pining over boys.  To translate that thought, I gave up “me” time that was always very important to yours truly.  Seriously lady, what’s wrong with you?

While a lot of my friends have comforted me with “he’s not good enough for you”, “you deserve someone better”, and “he’s an idiot for passing up on you” phrases, I have to say that I stand by my initial belief that the only one to blame here is myself.  Why?  Because I have lost sight of myself this past year.  And because of that, how could I expect The Good Guy, Green Tee-Shirt, Cleveland, or any of those others that wandered in my web to really take a chance on me when I wasn’t too keen on myself in the first place?

So with a much-needed gym membership attached to my key chain, I am also taking control of my life again.  I am shedding my boy worries for more “me” time and a boost of self-confident.  So on that note, I think it’s time for some yoga. 

PS. Thanks for bearing with me this, well, past year.  And to all those guys- and honestly, there really haven’t been that many– thank you, I think, for teaching me a few lessons that will hopefully help me when that poor guy decides to stay around longer than any of you have.