No, it was perfect because finally, here he was. The guy who wouldn’t let me get away with anything. I always thought of that as the moment you can into focus. Like, “Oh, there you were.”
Life has been busy for me. Between internship and grad school, there’s been homework and babysitting. But despite the stress and weariness, these past eight months I’ve been lucky enough to have a partner by my side. Yes, Cubby and I are still together, and we actually just hit the eight month mark. Crazy, right? To be honest, it’s pretty amazing…but more on that later.
For the past three years, I’ve been using this blog to contemplate life as a single girl and attempt to figure out what that thing called L.O.V.E. was all about. I’ve written about the boys I’ve met and the adventures that I’ve had. I’ve opened up about my struggles with anxiety and depression and shared some of the most difficult and challenging moments of my life.
But now, I’m writing to tell you that I am very happy and very in love with Cubby.
Yes, this blogger of yours is completely in love with Cubby and honestly, I can’t remember life before his name. (Cue John Mayer song, City Love.) We are in a very good place and everything seems to be getting better and better. Knock on wood. To tell you the truth, it took me a while to fully realize that I was in love with him- mostly because it’s something I’m not used to.
He is A*MAY*ZING. He really is. But above all of his wonderful traits, he is great for me. And from what he tells me, I’m great for him too. We are good together, and we are very happy.
These last eight months have been very challenging for us, as individuals who are both trying to launch their professional careers and overcome the stresses of living life in the big city. But I honestly cannot imagine how I would have gotten through these last few eight months without him. He’s been by my side (literally) during my breakdowns and through a multitude of papers and assignments that sucked the life out of me. He’s been my rock. One of my best friends.
Above all, he has loved me, and allowed me to love him.
Kelly Clarkson recently stated that her happy relationship (and wonderful boyfriend) were ruining her creativity (aka her ‘angry girl music’). Well, in a way I guess I can say the same about me. Since my relationship with Tony began (approximately) two months ago, I’ve found myself failing to find any reason to sit down and write out a blog post. Okay, part of that may be a result of not having much time to myself with all of the guests that I’ve been hosting lately, but still, I think it’s safe to say that my A*MAY*ZING boyfriend has something to do with it to. I mean, honestly, and those that know him will agree, there is nothing bad to say about him and our relationship. Absolutely nothing. And if there was, then it would be that I’m not sure if I’m fully deserving of being with such a wonderful guy… but let’s not go there tonight, okay?
So, since I haven’t really written much about him and our relationship on this little ol’ blog of mine, I can start by sharing our story.
Once upon a time, on a Sunday Funday (or Sunday, April 15, 2012), I found myself engaging in some all-day drinking with a few friends before heading to my favorite Chicago (Sunday country music bar) for dinner and another drink. (Note: This bar is also where I met Cleveland, as well as another former hookup, so it’s been known for shenanigans.) Minutes after our arrival, I began conversing with a friend of Cubby’s while Jenny (one of my best friends) soon started talking to Cubby. (Honestly, I didn’t even remember seeing him.) Now some, or most, of the details are blurry, but I do remember him insisting on buying me another screwdriver after mine was knocked over, and when he went to scout out the server Jenny saying, “He thinks you’re cute. Go talk to him.” So I did…or rather he started talking to me. Again, it’s kinda blurry, but I will say that at one point he asked for my phone number and assured my cynical self that he was going to call me the next day and take me out the following week/weekend. (He followed through.)
Since that night, Cubby has been nothing but incredible. I’d say perfect, but I don’t want him to start slacking off. (He wouldn’t anyways, but let’s play it safe here.) As I sit here and write tonight, I can only hope that I can treat him as well as he treats me.
But I also cannot help but think about all of the times I’ve written about love and relationships on this blog, feeling both hopeful and hopeless. Above all, I remember wanting to experience it so badly, even though I wasn’t sure if I would ever truly be someone’s girlfriend. Despite those uncertainties and the ones I addressed during my last post, I am someone’s girlfriend; and although I’m not the best girlfriend (yet), I’m a very lucky girl to call him mine.
Looking back on the past two months, I’ll say that I really wasn’t (necessarily) looking to be in a relationship; however, I think this blog is proof that I’ve been looking for a guy like Cubby for a very long time. While I don’t know what the future holds for us, I will say that I’m so glad that he came into my life when he did. Like I said, I’m a very lucky girl.
Cubby’s Favorite Song (Seriously): Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen
I know it’s been a while, so I should probably start off by stating that I’m still someone’s girlfriend; which means I have a boyfriend. But that being said, I’m having a little trouble tonight with him- although, it really does have much more to do with me than him. In fact, he’s done absolutely nothing but be wonderful… which may be my problem overall. (Seriously, he’s fantastic!)
Okay… I’m just going to come out and say it because I’m actually completely confused right now by how I’m feeling. So here it goes. Out there for everyone (or whoever reads this) to hear: Maybe I’m really not the girlfriend type. I mean, here I am… with a fantastic boyfriend who thinks the world of me, and I just can’t drop the guard and let myself be with him. In a way, I’m afraid of letting him fall for me? I don’t know. Honestly, I’m trying to figure out what’s going on inside of me as much as you are as you read this post.
On that note, I think I’m going to leave it at this. I know I owe you (and me) a much longer post, followed by many other long posts, but unfortunately I’ve found myself in a blogger’s block. Maybe it’s the relationship, and the fact that I don’t really have guy problems to vent about. (Maybe?) Although, based on tonight’s reflections, I think I need to utilize this blog of mine as an outlet since I’m struggling a bit right now to hold onto myself as I continue along with this new role as an amazing someone’s girlfriend.
The following post was written for the blog, Peace & Penguins,and tackles the topic of Love & Anxiety- which are two things that I know little and a lot about, respectively.
When Alisha asked me to write a guest blog post on Love & Anxiety for Peace & Penguins, I thought that it would be an easy hour therapy session of rehashing my life stories of insecurity, doubts, and regrets. But unfortunately, for the past week, I’ve struggled to get anything down on paper. So here I am, over a week after telling her that she’d have my piece in no time, trying to figure out exactly what I can say about love & anxiety…which are ultimately the two words that have haunted me during my 28-year old life.
While I’ve questioned how to begin this post, I feel that it is important to start off with the following statement: I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve never been in a serious relationship. However, and it’s an incredibly big HOWEVER, I’m actually (finally) on the verge of entering one…but more on that later.
Today I came across the following lines in the novel, 50 Shades of Grey, which really struck a chord with me. Here are the lines, and I’ll explain later:
Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is I just haven’t met anyone who… well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for the fabled trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly moments.
Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me. Perhaps, I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high. But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.
Anastasia Steele (50 Shades of Grey)
For the majority of my young adult life, I have relied on excuses and sarcasm to answer the question, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” And when stating my boyfriend-free background and getting stuck responding to the inevitable question, “What do you mean you’ve never been in a relationship? How is that possible?”, I find the anxiety tingles kicking in as I do my best to change the subject. But here and now, I’ll put those insecurities aside and tell you that Anxiety is the answer to both of those questions.
Unfortunately I’ve been plagued by anxiety for a while now, and it’s held me back from many things over the years. But above all, it’s prevented me from experiencing the love that I always dreamed of; from finding the love I always deserved. For years I’ve thought that there was something wrong with me. I thought I wasn’t good enough to be loved. I thought I wasn’t pretty enough to attract the attention of a man. I thought I would always be alone, because frankly being single is all I’ve really ever known.
Sure, there were those “boyfriends” during my early teen years that typically lasted a few weeks, and then a few guys in my twenties that stayed around for a couple uncommitted hook-ups. However, for the most part, I’ve been that girl who finds herself attending weddings without a plus-one and heading home after last call alone in a cab while the other girls leave on the arm of their significant others.
Now, every once in a while, maybe on the night of a full moon or during a road trip back to Ohio, I’d find myself flirting with a seemingly eligible bachelor and hoping that something more than a one-night stand would come out of it. But unfortunately, my anxiety almost got the best of me as daylight hit and my internal enemy asserted, “Are you crazy? He’s doesn’t really like you. He’s going to leave just like all of the other ones.”
But something changed this past year; something that I really can’t quite explain myself. In essence, I’ve lived this year under the motto: I don’t care anymore. See, instead of letting anxiety hold me back, I’ve fought off the doubts and insecurities and strived to live fearlessly. (Note: A little liquid courage usually helped too.) I took some chances…including using a few daring moves and brave one-liners every once in a while. And with each one of those incidences, I noticed my anxiety towards potential love decreasing.
So that leads me to “The Now”. As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I am on the verge of a relationship. Actually… I’m in one. Yes, the girl who thought she’d always be single is in a relationship. (With a wonderful guy, might I add.) I’m pretty much living in disbelief, as are my friends and family who have heard my “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” and “I’ll always be a single” lines, but it really is the truth. Even though it hasn’t yet been discussed, I am practically someone’s girlfriend… which means that I kinda-sorta have a boyfriend. Me? Really? Wow.
To be honest, I’m still processing all of this. I’m trying to convince myself that this is really, while also trying to understand why it’s taken me so long to let myself be in a relationship. Why did I let my anxiety hinder my happiness? Why did I let my insecurities get in the way of being someone’s girlfriend? Why did I let my fears prohibit some amazing guy from being mine? While I can ask these questions again and again, I’ll never fully be able to uncover the answers. But I will remember the anxiety I’ve lived with that held me back from being happy all of those years.
Unfortunately my anxiety is something that I continue to live with. It’s something that I think I’ll always live with. But when it comes to love, I’m learning more and more how important it is for me to combat all of my fears and doubts. For starters, I don’t want to miss out on a chance with a good guy like the one I have right now. I’ve held myself back many times before and simply, I don’t want to live with regrets anymore. Sure it’s scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open your heart up, but the risk is worth it. And honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather know that I took a chance than regret not taking one.
Let me stress that I’m no expert when it comes to love, and in some ways I’m still not convinced that I’ll ever fully understand it. But between you and me, I’m much more open to learning more about it. And that being said, I think I’ll have to start with exploring the whole relationship thing, and maybe officially being someone’s girlfriend.
Sure, it’s not easy and frankly I’m a bit scared, but I’m going to take these chances…starting with this great guy who has seen past my anxieties and boyfriendless past and see what life has in store for me. And hopefully, one day, I’ll be writing a post about love without a mention of anxiety. But for the meantime, I’m just going to take it day-by-day and see what this whole relationship thing is all about.