Archive for the ‘love’ Tag

but loving him was red.   Leave a comment

RedIsLove1Let’s play a little game.  I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind.

Ready…

RED.

Now some of you may say words such as “apple”, “wine”, or “shoes”.

Others may say “roses”, “hearts” or “lipsticks”.

Me, and Taylor Swift, we would say “Love”. 

Love is Red.  Red is Love. 

Love comes in many shades of red.  Red is the light and dark shades of love.

Love is butterflies in the stomach and going weak in the knees.

Love is kissing in the rain and dancing under streetlights to the sounds of the city.

Love is looking into his eyes and forgetting that anyone else is in the room.

Love is lying in bed all day and cuddling under the covers.

Love is drinking in dark empty bars on a Tuesday night, just the two of you and the bartender.

Love is telling your mom that you “met someone”

Love is uneasiness when he hasn’t texted you back, and excitement and relief when he calls.

Love is break-ups and broken hearts.

Love is asking your brother or best guy friend for advice.

Love is pints of ice cream, bottles of wine, and your best friend.

Love is loss, and missing, and trying to forget.

Love is remembering the good and feeling the pain that time never seems to take away.

Love is jealousy, confusion, and frustration.

Love is happiness and sadness, sometimes even at the same time.

Love is smiling and laughing again.

Love is running into him when you least expect it.

Love is thinking you moved on, only to stumble back down.

Love is feeling lost, but knowing that you will find yourself eventually.

Love is beginnings, middles, and ends.

Love is yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Love is patience.  Love is impatience.

Love is learning to love another through the good times and the bad.

Love is “I do”, “I will”, and “I promise you”.  Love is sometimes “I don’t know how I’m feeling”.

Love is never black or white.  Love is shades of gray.

Love is red, but sometimes it can be blue.

Love is taking chances and making mistakes.

Love is doubts, fears, regrets, and uncertainties.

Love is “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”.  Love is “I forgive myself”.

Love is learning to love again.

Love is trusting another. Love is trusting yourself.

Love is the best thing that will ever happen, though sometimes it may feel like the worst.

Love is always worth the risk.

Love is fearless.

Love is never giving up.

 

Red- Taylor Swift

yes, yes, yes!   Leave a comment

engagement ring boxWhen you realize you want to spend the rest of your life with somebody, you want the rest of your life to start as soon as possible. (Nora Ephron)

Sixteen months ago to the day, I found myself on an A*MAY*ZING first date with a guy I met the week before at a country bar on a Sunday Funday.  And now, roughly 500 days after we met, we are engaged and anxiously awaiting our November 1, 2014 wedding date.

These past sixteen months have been beyond wonderful, and the day Cubby proposed is a day that I’ll never forget.  But more than all of these unforgettable memories, I cannot begin to address how much I have learned about life, love, relationships, Cubby, and myself.

I can also say that life is completely unpredictable!  Here I am, turning thirty in a few weeks, and a year ago I never would have predicted that I would be a fiancée before I was thirty years old!  Actually, two years ago, I never would have thought that I would have a boyfriend before I turned thirty!  But I found a fantastic boyfriend… who turned into a spectacular fiancé… and who will undoubtedly be the best husband.

Reflecting on these incredible changes in my life over the past year and a half, the best advice that I can give anyone is to always say “Yes!” to the opportunities that life brings you.  Say “Yes!” when your girlies or buddies ask you to spend a Sunday Funday at the bars.  Say “Yes!” to the cute guy who asks you out on a date the following weekend.  And most definitely say “Yes!” to love and all of the joy and happiness that comes with it.

XOXO
K

and i can’t remember life before his name.   4 comments

boyfriend laughsNo, it was perfect because finally, here he was. The guy who wouldn’t let me get away with anything. I always thought of that as the moment you can into focus. Like, “Oh, there you were.”

Life has been busy for me.  Between internship and grad school, there’s been homework and babysitting.  But despite the stress and weariness, these past eight months I’ve been lucky enough to have a partner by my side.  Yes, Cubby and I are still together, and we actually just hit the eight month mark.  Crazy, right?  To be honest, it’s pretty amazing…but more on that later. 

For the past three years, I’ve been using this blog to contemplate life as a single girl and attempt to figure out what that thing called L.O.V.E. was all about.  I’ve written about the boys I’ve met and the adventures that I’ve had.  I’ve opened up about my struggles with anxiety and depression and shared some of the most difficult and challenging moments of my life. 

But now, I’m writing to tell you that I am very happy and very in love with Cubby. 

Yes, this blogger of yours is completely in love with Cubby and honestly, I can’t remember life before his name. (Cue John Mayer song, City Love.)  We are in a very good place and everything seems to be getting better and better.  Knock on wood.  To tell you the truth, it took me a while to fully realize that I was in love with him- mostly because it’s something I’m not used to.

He is A*MAY*ZING.  He really is.  But above all of his wonderful traits, he is great for me.  And from what he tells me, I’m great for him too.  We are good together, and we are very happy. 

These last eight months have been very challenging for us, as individuals who are both trying to launch their professional careers and overcome the stresses of living life in the big city.  But I honestly cannot imagine how I would have gotten through these last few eight months without him.  He’s been by my side (literally) during my breakdowns and through a multitude of papers and assignments that sucked the life out of me.  He’s been my rock.  One of my best friends. 

Above all, he has loved me, and allowed me to love him. 

XOXO
K

40 days and 40 nights later…   4 comments

As I vowed in a previous post, http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2012/02/23/40-days-and-40-nights/, my Lenten promise was to give up all contact with the man known as Cleveland.  To be fair, I did break that pact, but only once.  (Sorry, Jesus.)  And in my defense, the communication that I did have was a very short and innocent text that, at the time, I felt was my final “Goodbye.  I finally moved on.”  To tell you the truth, at that time that I confidently sent Cleveland the text, I really was convinced that my feelings were gone.  But tonight, as I sit here with visions of him on my mind, I find myself relapsing after the hiatus.

What is it about him that I just can’t seem to fully let go of?  Was it our chemistry?  His insistent pursuit?  The fact that he took a chance on me when no other guy has really done that?  Or the fact that because I can’t have him, I want him even more?  But then again, am I just stressed out (yes!) from all the running around and mounds of school work that I turn to him (and the memories and chemistry we share) when I find myself needing a destressing time-out?

Even though Lent ended today, I haven’t considered contacting him.  Would I like to?  Of course.  But I know I wouldn’t hear back from him so really what’s the point?  Sure, my fearless side says, “Take a chance.”  However, common sense says, over and over again, “Let it go.”

what are you so afraid of? why are you feeling scared? what’s the worst that’s gonna happen?   2 comments

“Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.”

~ Annie in Happythankyoumoreplease

We talk about it.  We think about it. We over think (about) it.  We dream about it. We listen to songs about it; while others sing those songs about it.  Some of us choose to write about it, allowing others to read about it.  We hope for it.  We pray for it. We search for it.  We want it, and convince ourselves that we need it.  We go crazy for it; and sometimes we become sad because of it.  We believe it makes us happy.  We believe it makes us whole- for without it we are incomplete.  Therefore, we live for it.  We live to love and to be loved in return.

But what happens when the stars align and it’s finally found?  What happens when love is staring you right in the face- literally?  What do you do then?  How do you react?  Do you remember all those mornings you spent in bed wishing that last night’s dream would come true?  Do you remember how you swore if you found love that you’d do anything and everything to not let it get away?  Do you prevent yourself from shying away and embrace every ounce of courage you never knew you had?  Do you ignore all doubts and embrace it to the fullest? 

The sad truth is that as we get older- and coincidentally encounter more heartbreak in our lives- we tend to hold back more often than not in the presence of potential love.  Sometimes, we even go as far to run away from it.  We question it.  We doubt it.  We make excuses in our heads; and we tell lies to our hearts.  Once optimistic, now cynical.  Our dreams replaced by fears.  We deem ourselves unworthy of loving and being loved.   But why?  Are we scared of being rejected?  Afraid of getting hurt?  Do we fear going down the road of a broken heart again too much to take a chance?  Seriously, what’s up with us?  Or, better put, what’s wrong with us?

While watching Happythankyoumoreplease this weekend, I found myself mesmerized by this line: “Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.”  This line has been with me for the last two days and still I find myself speechless yet at ease when allotting time to think about it.  It’s so honest; so real.  There’s something so sacred (to me) about this line.  Words filled with such sincerity and truth.  But still I couldn’t convince myself that it applied to me too.  However, today I remembered this-  

Just the other day I received a message from a friend from high school.  It read: “…I always knew you were amazing and thought that you would do something amazing! There was always something about you that I couldn’t explain but I was always happy to know you…you really deserve an absolutely amazing guy! Someone I can only hope to be like. If I can ever do something to help…let me know”.

My response: “I was so touched by the comments you left before, and now this!! I’m truly humbled. Per usual, I would make some kind of joke or sarcastic remark but I won’t because I know you really mean it. Because of that, all I can say is thank you.” 

Before recalling this message, I was debating about whether or not it was possible to go from seeing yourself as ‘unworthy’  to ‘worthy’; and if so, what exactly Step #1 of the process was.  But this message- which seems so simple- made me realize that my response was Step #1.  That by believing Greg’s words, even for an instant, I believed that I was indeed worthy.

I’m not going to say much more because I have a birthday boy to visit- (little Max is 2 today!)- but I’ll close by admitting that if you’ve been primarily single, like me, then you know how hard it is to keep your self-esteem going.  You also know that the slightest PDA can tip you only the edge; or if you’re like me, then I get upset when I hear girls complain about their boyfriends.  (“If they’re that bad, then don’t be with them!” is what I want to scream.)  But that’s besides the point.

What I want to say to those of us that are single is this: Embrace it.  Enjoy this moment.  Remember this moment.  Keep thinking about love.  keep dreaming about love.  Keep hoping for love, and keep praying for love.  And when it does eventually come, and it will, then do everything you can to remember how much you longed for it.  Remember all those tears you cried hoping you’d find it one day.  Don’t run away and don’t you dare be scared.  Just take a deep breath; tell yourself you deserve it; and then let yourself love and to be loved in return.

This post was inspired by the movie, Happythankyoumoreplease, which is definitely one of the best movies I’ve ever seen and one I highly recommend.  Here’s the synopsis: Captures a generational moment – young people on the cusp of truly growing up, tiring of their reflexive cynicism, each in their own ways struggling to connect and define what it means to love and be loved.

Additionally if you find yourself in a love affair with New York City, then this movie is a must-see.

Song of the Moment: Never Be Daunted  by Jaymay (on movie soundtrack)

it’s not always fireworks and shooting stars; sometimes it’s a simple spark within that whispers, ‘you’re on your way’.   Leave a comment

As fireworks lit up the Chicago skyline on Monday night, I laid in my bed falling asleep to the sounds of my city as memories began flashing through my mind.  Alone in my apartment for the first time in ten nights, the booms from the finale reminded me that another Fourth of July had passed- and somehow it was my third in Chicago. 

In early July 2009, I sat in my friends’ apartment on a hot summer afternoon and had my tarot cards read (for the first time).  At the time I was struggling to find my place in Chicago and therefore, hoped to find some ‘answers’ in my reading: Stay in Chicago or Go Back to Columbus?  With an open mind and optimistic heart, I shuffled the deck and awaited my fate.  (Well at least what I believed to be my fate.)  Two years ago, I was a girl with a broken spirit and broken heart trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged.  I was lost in a big city and lost within myself, struggling to hold onto what made me ‘me’ and adapt to who I (thought I) needed to be.

Despite looking for every reason to flee, I made the decision to stay in Chicago because I felt (within that) my time wasn’t over yet.  I whole-heartedly believe that day was the turning point for me.  Not only did I Trust Myself, but I also Believed in Myself for the first time in a long time. 

Last Thursday night, nearly two years after my first reading, my same friend entertained me with his tarot cards again.  This time my question was different.  Much different.  This time I knew that Chicago was where I wanted to be, and I was much more confident in who I am in comparison to two years ago.  Therefore, I sucked up my confidence- and maybe took another sip of wine- and asked a question that I wanted to ask.  A question that has been on my mind, and perhaps the only question I really wanted to know an ‘answer’ to.

Well, like before, the cards aligned fairly well to tell the story of my past & present situations.  Yet, two things really stood out to me.  The first was this: The thing you desire the most is also the thing you fear the most.  Right away I knew what that one thing was because there’s only thing I desire the most; and coincidentally it just so happens to be the one thing I fear the most.  LOVE.  The only thing that terrifies me for the vulnerability it exposes yet is the reason I keep myself going. The reason I keep searching for answers.

As he summarized my cards, these final words brought along my answer (in the form of clarity): You’re on your way.”  To tell you the truth, that may have been exactly what I needed to hear.  Isn’t that all we really ever want to know?  That all the effort we put in, each and every day, is worth it?  That all the stress and tears are making us stronger?  That each person we meet, and those we love, are guiding us along our journey?  Isn’t that the only answer we’re searching for in life?

When I made the decision to stay here in Chicago two years ago, I had no idea what to expect.  I still only knew a handful of people and my job was still completely unfulfilling.  There were no fireworks nor shooting stars making my decision for me.  Instead, I trusted the spark within that said, “You’re going to be okay.  Just keep trying.”  And I must say it was the best decision I’ve ever made because of all the things it’s bestowed to me these last few years. 

Most times when we feel a feeling, that spark within us, we have no idea what it means.  But don’t worry about figuring that out just yet.  Simply trust that feeling and let it guide you along way.  Because one day, perhaps two years later, those you’ll finally see those fireworks in the sky and gain a clear understanding of why you felt that spark in the first place. 

 

 

~This is one of those times when your brain kicks in and tells your heart, ‘Good things are worth waiting for’.~

“don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”   Leave a comment

I laid in bed thinking, Happiness tends to be Temporary (for me).  With that thought tumbling through my mind, as the sun rose, I knew that sleep was a long shot.  If I couldn’t stop this nonsense then I was in trouble.  Another sleepless night for moiBut the thought seized; and surprisingly I stopped that thought by telling myself, Just Enjoy It.  I stared out the window at the snow-fallen sky one last time before closing my eyes for a few hours of sleep.

Life has been extremely kind to me lately, which makes me reflect on the night/ early morning in which that thought perpetrated my mind.  Actually, if we’re being honest here, that feeling of happiness has only gotten stronger since then.  Many good things have occurred these last few weeks including my trip to Athens (with Alisha, Jakob, and Kelly), an evening in downtown Columbus with Kristin and other friends, and this past weekend with Max.  Additionally I’ve been fortunate to spend almost every day in the company of A*MAY*ZING friends.

As of late my mind has been very clear- even despite all the running around.  Though tonight, as I let myself partake in a lazy night in, I once again found myself reflecting back on that moment of the past and recalled a line from The Time Traveler’s Wife:

“Don’t you think it’s better to be extremely happy for a short while, even if you lose it, than to be just okay for your whole life?”

Not only is The Time Traveler’s Wife my all-time favorite novel (Note: Not movie), I often find myself thinking I am Clare Abshire (minus the whole time travelin’ boyfriend/fiancée/ husband).  I’ve hung out for way, way too long (mistakenly) believing in my own version of Henry (ck).  I waited…and waited….for love & happiness to enter and re-enter my life. 

Maybe it’s fair to admit that I’m still waiting…though not for that “Henry”… but waiting for something.  Something Real.  Something Honest.  Something that Challenges Me, yet Comes Naturally.  Something that Makes Me Happy and is Something that I’ll Fight with Everything I Have to Hold Onto.  Because (I know) when you find Something Like This, then It’s Worth The Wait and Worth Fighting For.

As I said in a post a few weeks ago, Clarity is a Beautiful Thing.  I know now that happiness was temporary because I wasn’t happy within.  I wasn’t happy with myself.  I didn’t love myself.  And truthfully, I never (fully) believed that happiness was something I deserved. 

Well, my friends, I am proud to tell you that those days are a thing of the past.  I am now in fighting-shape to keep Happiness here and here it will stay.  I (now) know I deserve to be happy, and SO DO YOU.  My hope is that you never doubt it, but if you do then come back to this post (as many times as you need to) as a reminder that You Deserve to Be Happy.  You Do.  You Really, Really Do.