Archive for the ‘boys and girls’ Tag
No matter what anyone says, I’ll tell you that friends with benefits can work. I know this because I’ve been in two friends with benefits situations and they’ve helped me understand why they can work, as well as why they can’t. But I’ll focus on why they can, which coincidentally draws upon why they can’t. But again, they can work… if you follow a few simple steps:
1. Do not allow yourself to develop any feelings for the guy/girl.
2. Do not allow the guy/girl to develop any feelings for you.
3. Make sure you really are friends with the guy/girl and not just (something) with benefits.
Yes, those are the rules I’ve learned from my two experiences with friends with benefits. From the first situation, I learned Rule #1 and Rule #2, and apparently from the second, I learned Rule #3. To be honest, Rule #3 may be the more important rule to learn because sometimes those first two can be overlooked if the timing is right and Rule #1 + Rule #2= The beginning of a real relationship.
But generally speaking, I really do believe that friends with benefits can work. But then again, maybe I’m just naive and unrealistic. Perhaps I want to believe they can work because, well, they are really the only form of a “relationship” that I’ve been fortunate to experience. Who really knows my issues? Who knows why I think that a friends with benefits is the way to go? Whatever the reason, wherever my afraid of intimacy and commitment roots derived from, I still stand by my belief that friends with benefits can work.
But does it? Does friends with benefits ever prove to be as successful as one hopes? Do both parties, or at least one, never develop feelings for the other? Wouldn’t it be fabulous if you could simply enjoy the companionship and “benefits” from someone who just wants to have fun and not be alone too? Though despite seeming like a good deal, there’s always a twist…and unfortunately, things don’t always go as planned.
Last night my friend, Sadie, and I toasted our glasses of wine to some good quality girl time on a rooftop overlooking downtown Chicago. Two single twentysomethings deciding to escape the stresses of everyday life thru wine & friend therapy. With a cool breeze, sporadic raindrops, and the always enjoyable Chicago skyline, Sadie and I found ourselves in an easy-flowing conversation.
And what do two single girls on a rooftop talk about? Well, you know, the usual- politics, religion, novels, and babies. Or not. We talked about boys and the role they play in our lives.
Seriously, if there were no such thing as boys, then what would girls talk about? We talk about how we love them; how we hate them; how we love to hate them; and how we hate to love them. Honestly, every conversation somehow ends up including something about boys. (And that’s why there’s wine.)
Now don’t go rolling your eyes under the assumption that two girls sat on that rooftop engaged in boy bashing because there was no such thing. But we did find ourselves talking about boys and the role they play(ed) in our lives.
Doesn’t that make you wish you were a fly on the rooftop? If it makes you feel any better I’ll assure you that no secrets were shared nor did we air too much dirty laundry. The fact of the matter is that we are two single ladies with a lot to offer but yet we find ourselves single…and a bit frustrated after years (and years) of frustration and disappointment. However, as I implied before, we were not two cynics on that rooftops. Rather we were two girls trying to make sense of the World of Boys and our role in it. Or their role in our world.
Somewhere between the our first and second glasses of wine together (fourth or fifth overall during the evening), Sadie declared, “I’m trying to play it so cool (with him).” I smiled acknowledging my understanding yet held back screaming, “I know! Me too!” despite feeling completely in sync with Sadie’s situation and her respective feelings. Relief settled into my weary body and made me feel more comfortable with what I’ve been experiencing. (Note: One of the reasons for my summer funk.)
Upon arriving back at home- in the middle of a thunderstorm- I noticed a text from Sadie. She apologized for talking too much and not letting me get more than two words in. (Which isn’t entirely true.) She assured me that the next time we hang out with a bottle(s) of wine on her rooftop (or wherever)- and there will definitely be a next time- that she will give me ample time to talk about my ‘bo’. (Can I say that I have a ‘bo’ to talk about?) At any rate, I stressed to her that the night was perfect especially because I didn’t have to talk about my situation and my feelings. Instead, I found myself at ease with Sadie’s saga and felt like, Okay, so it’s not just me. I’m not the only one going through these emotions.
That’s the beauty of life. Your girlfriends constantly serve as reminders that you’re never alone. They give you the courage to be yourself and the strength to overcome any obstacle through in your course. They challenge you to continue exploring your feelings and strive above any doubts that may hinder you from being anything but the extraordinary girl they love and adore.
Sometimes all you really need is a girlfriend or two (or more) and a bottle of wine- or two…or more.
This post is dedicated to all of the lovely ladies in my life who have stood by my side and allowed me to journey closer into becoming exactly who I’ve always dreamed of being. From the bottom of my heart, thank you. XOXO
In order to write this post to the best of my ability, I must admit that I’ve been watching The Bachelorette this season. Now in mentioning this, it is necessary to remind you that I’ve stuck with my boycott and haven’t watched a single episode of The Bachelor since the Jake-Choosing-Vienna moment shook my guilty pleasure TV-watching world. (Bachelor Boycott Begins post)
Anyways… for those of you who haven’t had the privilege to watch this season of The Bachelorette with me, I’ll tell you that I’m the President of Team JP. Every viewing party can be summarized by me saying, “This show is ridiculous!” and expressing my love for JP: Ashley is crazy if she lets this guy get away. He’s the kind of you always hope to find. Therefore if she doesn’t choose him, then it’s certainly her loss. (Maybe my gain? Wishful thinking…)
Okay, I’m not really love with him; however, this past episode certainly caused my admiration for him to skyrocket. In reference to his previously broken heart, he spoke the most honest words that can only be learned through such a soul-wrenching experience (aka love).
He said, “Unless I completely put myself out there and expose my vulnerability and allow myself to get hurt, there’s no way that we could ever work. I’ve accepted the fact of all of this, if I get completely crushed and heartbroken at least I can walk away saying I gave that everything I had and I was open to everything and it just didn’t work out.”
He’s right, and anyone who has allowed themselves to learn lessons from their heartbreak will agree too. For one, I agree. Now I could come up with a line of my own, but I’m going to borrow Martha Beck’s infamous line instead: “Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.” While it takes time and some good cries to figure this out, the ultimate lesson that one learns thru a broken heart is “Take a deep breath, put on a smile and a bundle of confidence, and try again.”
JP’s outlook is one that we should all adopt. Whether you’re going on The Bachelorette (hopefully not), a singleton looking for love (lust) or a rookie in the relationship game, it’s best to have the attitude that you’ll give it all you got and trust that whatever happens, happens. Be Honest with Yourself. Be Open with Others. Live with No Regrets. And most importantly, Don’t Be Afraid to Fall in Love or Have Someone Fall in Love with You.
Yesterday one of my best friends posed an interesting question my way. She asked, “Do you think you were in love with Casey?” I answered honestly and said I believe so because of how much I cared about him- and still do. But that being said, I know that the regrets I’ve had over him are the result of me not putting myself out there. This is also why it took me for-ev-er to get over him. But like I’ve said above, heartbreak tends to be the best way to learn lessons. Afterall, mistakes are the best teacher.
So like my dear JP, I’ve learned a lot from my broken heart. Most importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself. And while my confidence level still tends to depend on the day, I can say that I’ve been more comfortable (than I ever could have imagined) taking chances and putting myself on the line. I’ve been exposing my vulnerabilities and allowing myself to dabble in situations to which I could get hurt. If we’re being honest here, I’ll tell you that I’ve been a little scared lately- after learning how vulnerable I’ve let myself become; however, I have no regrets. If anything, I’m so grateful that I’ve grown enough to let myself do so. Because like that cute guy on The Bachelorette said, “…at least I can walk away saying I gave that everything I had and I was open to everything and it just didn’t work out.”
The title of this song is lyrics from For You by Angus & Julia Stone.
Another day, another Grey’s Anatomy quote running through my mind. This line was from those early seasons of the Addison- Derek – Meredith love triangle. I can still hear Meredith’s voice cry out, “Pick me. Choose me. Love me.” I remember thinking how desperate she sounded; how weak. All because of a guy? Because of love? Even being heartbroken and in love (or whatever we classify that time in my life as) I couldn’t fathom ever feeling that way; couldn’t imagine being dependent on another.
Well today I finally translated some of my feelings over these last few months, and I can report that it’s quite similar to those of Ms. Grey. “Pick me. Choose me.” is what my little tested heart beats as these great guys come into my life. Somewhere along the way my cynical heart became optimistic. I found myself full of hope. I began believing again… thinking that perhaps this dating/relationship/love stuff can be for me too.
Now do you even know how difficult that is for me to admit?? But it’s the truth.
My dearest friends who know all my dirty secrets will tell you that I’ve been a Ballsy Girl lately, all for the sake of Doing the Things I’d Regret Not Doing. And instead of running away and making excuses, per usual, I’ve let myself follow the guidance of WWCBD: What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do.
However, while I’ve been taking chances, I’m not sure that those boys have taken/are up for taking a chance on me. Part of me thinks this my what goes around comes back around bad karma for all those guys I never gave a chance to. But that being said, I totally understand that this whole Single Thing isn’t a black-or-white issue and that many factors that come into play after Girl-Meets-Boy. Even if all interpretations of the guy’s actions & words point to him liking you, it still may not be as easy as him saying, “I like you,” followed by your “I like you too”, there’s still a lot of work to be done. But all that talk is nonsense to me right now because all this girl wants is a guy to literally put up his white flag and say, “I want to take a chance on you.” POOF! That’s all! I promise I’ll take it from there. Just say you’re up for the adventure and I’ll give you a free pass. All you have to do is pick me… choose me… and I’ll make sure you don’t regret it.
“Don’t be afraid to fall in love. It’s the only thing that matters in life. Fall in love with as many things as possible. Fall in love over & over & over because in the end that’s all that really matters.”
This line from Country Strong is notably one of my most favorite lines ever- for obvious reasons, especially if you know me well. However, in watching the movie on Sunday afternoon I found myself being more taken with another line, spoken by Beau (Garrett Hedlund) to Chiles (Leighton Meester):“Tell me what you want.” Even though she wasn’t able to verbalize her desires, the movie script gave Chiles just what she wanted. 😉
But what about those of us who don’t have the luxury of living life under the direction of a screenplay? What about the rest of us who do not have writers providing us with courageous words and romantic monologues to verbalize our desires? And what about the ones that know what they want… however … aren’t quite sure that they’re capable of having it?
I’ve found myself walking away from situations like this before- ones that required me to go after what I wanted. While other factors contributed from time-to-time, the main reason always remained the same: I didn’t believe I deserved to have what (who) I wanted. Because of that, I never had the courage to say the words I dreamed about saying; nor was I strong enough to override the never-ending doubts with confidence. Instead, I relied on dreams that it would just happen and the hope that someday I would change my ways.
Well kids, even though I still find myself struggling a bit to make some dreams part of my reality, I must admit that this is the closest I’ve ever been to ‘someday’. And let me tell you, the secret is Knowing that You Deserve to Be Happy. Believe that You are Worthy of Loving & Being Loved. Once you learn this, and you are the only one that I truly discover it for yourself, then you have the courage to tell another exactly what you want…and make it yours.
Song of the Moment: Steal You Away by Randy Rogers Band
Well kids, the sun has been shining here in Chicago, allowing us to flirt with the notion that winter may F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. be on its way out the door. So after the sad goodbyes to Kristin & Cindy (Kristin’s mom) early this morning, I pulled myself together- as much as possible- and headed downtown to the office. As soon as I saw the green awning, I knew a pit stop at Starbucks was a must. (Note: Anytime you wake up before 5 am, Starbucks is a must- at least once – that day.)
As I stood in line, I knew that my (hot) Soy AmeriMisto just wasn’t going to cut it today. Yes, my friends, I found it necessary to put the hot drink order aside and ordered a (cold) Strawberry Frapp and it was Pure Perfection. Is there anything better than Starbucks when you’re tired & emotionally drained?
I’ve been attempting to write a post on this topic for weeks now and cannot think of a better time to do so than today. Sorry but you’re not getting all of the reasons out of me, but I will share that this new favorite song of mine, Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum, may have something to do with it. “And I don’t wanna mess this thing up”…let’s just go from here.
In the last two months, I’ve heard two A*MAY*ZING friends of mine, Sarah & Jenny, say, “…I’m sure I’ll find a way to ruin this somehow” in regards to the incredible guys (Tom and Phil, respectively) that have recently entered their lives. Two girls who found wonderful guys worthy of them; and guys that had enough common sense to adore them immediately. Two girls who, in my opinion, have nothing to worry about; however, I completely emphasize with them for the words they spoke.
And now, I’m admitting that I am the third one in our group of friends who has recently spoken this line- at least out loud to myself if no one else. However, unlike Jenny and Sarah, I’m pretty certain that The Jinx entered my life again and I found a way to ruin a potential something with someone pretty great.
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m pretty down about it right now. And what happened is so minor (!) and quite possibly a misinterpretation. However, when you care about someone, everything seems 1000x worse than it actually is. Gotta love those darn feelings!
After hearing my worries out, I find that I’m holding onto Jenny’s encouraging words- even if I don’t wholeheartedly believe them: “I’m sure everything will work itself out – he has to realize how wonderful of a person you are and he’d be an idiot to let you slip through his fingers.”
The truth is…I’m the idiot if I let him slip through mine.
When I think back on my History of Boys…I realize what good taste I have. Okay, there were some questionable crushes & boyfriends back in my middle school days- no names mentioned- but you Hampton kids may remember my dating track record. (Note: Sadly it was more plentiful as a pre-teen than a twentysomething.) But in all seriousness, or at least as much as I can muster up regarding this topic, I really do have decent taste in boys…which is probably why I’ve been single for so long. I kid, I kid. There really are good guys out there and I’ve been fortunate to know many of them; crush on some of them; and even make-out with a few of those heartbreakers. But that’s where the potential love story always seems to end- with a maybe I’ll see you again kiss. I swear I’ve been cursed for not sending those darn chain letters. But then again, is it really a curse since I’ve had the chance to meet, crush on, and/or kiss at least a dozen of incredible guys? Can that be considered bad luck if I’ve had the opportunity to spend time with these once-in-a-lifetime kinds of guys…even if they prove to be unattainable?
Unattainable Guys. We all know at least one guy (from our lives) that falls into this category. That middle school crush. Your first love…and heartbreak. The bartender at your favorite college bar. Mr. Perfect who you always see on your commute to work. Unattainable Guys: Those boys that have a bevy of girls chasing after ‘your guy’ that will never be yours. A group of vultures (aka girls) that your inner-thirteen year self deems is prettier and better ‘girfriend material’ than you. Unattainable Guys: Ones that you can look at and desire with every ounce you have to give, but can never call ‘mine’ (yours). Unattainable Guy-itis is what I’m going to call it, and is something that I’ve had for a while now and just cannot seem to get rid of. GRRRrrrrrr.
Yesterday I found myself continually confessing to my friend Sarah, who’s visiting from Bermuda (yes, as in ‘Bermuda, Bahama, come on, pretty mama’), that my fate in life is “To be single”. I’ve accepted it and, quite frankly, I feel like I have a lot to offer the world of Singletons and Couples based on my Forever-Role as a Single Lady. Of course Sarah’s response was like most others, “Minnie, that’s not true! You’ll meet someone when the timing is right and he’ll be fantastic because you are fantastic!” I stood strong in my belief but also engaged in a night-long on-and-off conversation (with the other girls too) about Love, Crushes, and All that Jazz in Between. Sarah also got to witness the Lovely Boy Scene that is here in Chicago, IL. Yes, please note my sarcasm. I definitely wasn’t “winning” last night, although I could care less since I was in perfect company with my ladies.
(Plus, my ♥ is with Max.)
At 2:30-3 am, after a trip to the Wiener Circle, Sarah and I changed into pajamas for an after-hours Girl Chat and viewing of He’s Just Not That Into You. As the movie began, we found ourselves talking about the Unattainable Guys in our lives, including her boyfriend of 1.5 years. Yes, her now-boyfriend was once categorized (by Sarah, herself) as an Unattainable Guy. This is the same friend, Sarah, who is most confident girl I know. The same Sarah that I’ve witnessed many of boys ogling after for 6 years now. Yes, this girl once believed that she had her eyes on an “Unattainable Guy” that wasn’t interested in anything more than a flirty (sparks flying) introductory conversation and make-out session the first night they met.
So where does this leave me? Has Sarah’s confession given me hope? Not really; however, it’s left me with this thought: What if that Unattainable Guy worries that you’re the Unattainable Girl that he can never have? What if he has the same doubts & concerns that you have about him? What if? What if.
In one chapter of my History of Boys there was one Unattainable Guy whose own history appeared to be quite similar to mine. Having had known him through my friends for a year (or so), I enjoyed having the chance to get to know him better myself- as friends (with some friendly flirting, possibly, in the mix too). To be honest, as my crush grew I found myself getting more intimidated as I realized that he was one of those guys that always had girls hoping to be The One He’d Choose. (I’d be lying if I didn’t say that I didn’t once hope the same thing.) But through that (minor) intimidation over Mr. Unattainable, I came to this realization: I may not be the beautiful girl, but I am pretty great. I may not be perfect, but I have a lot to give a guy. I may not be the one this (or that) seemingly unattainable guy will choose…but someone will (one day).
This realization is still my belief…even in rough, emotional-draining, self-esteem depleting moments like ones I had today. I have this habit for liking Unattainable Guys and I’m going to accept my fate that this isn’t going to change anytime soon. However, I’m also hoping that life will stop teasing me by throwing good guys into my path that I will never call ‘mine’. I’m hoping that I’ll continue to trump those negative thoughts and believe that me being ‘me’ makes me the most beautiful to the one that chooses me. I may not be too good at writing songs (about my History of Boys), but can continue to write my own life story. A story in which the protagonist (yours truly) comes to find that There’s No Such Thing as an Unattainable Guy, and therefore, whole-heartedly realizes that there are more than fifty reasons for a good guy to choose her (me).
*Note: As always, when I make these affirmations to myself, my hope is that you (whoever you are that reads this blog) adopt this Acceptance & Confident mindset for himself/herself. Remember, You Are Beautiful.
Song of the Moment: Hey Stephen by Taylor Swift