Archive for the ‘song of the moment’ Tag
As I sit in the bedroom of my childhood and adolescent days, I am nearly haunted by the ghosts of crushes past. Gosh, how many boys did I go to bed thinking about in this room? Well, if we could middle school then it may get a little tricky. So scratch that, and let’s only focus on those guys that really caused my head to spin and heart to pitter-patter since my hormonal adolescent days began.
To be honest, I can only remember a handful of real crushes during those days, and some of those leave me questioning if what I was feeling was real or merely part of exploring the world of boys.
But to be fair, I can say that there were probably two or three boys that captured my young heart and filled my dreams- both during the days and nights. However, as I begin to reminisce, more than anything I realize how my feelings for those boys have vanished.
And then there was the love of my life that consumed my heart during those beloved college days. He was the guy that I thought I’d never get over- whether or not we ended up together. For years I truly believed that I would be haunted by feelings for him and therefore, I’d never be able to love another. But here I am now, having to remind myself of him and the fated love I believed we shared.
And over these last few months, I found myself struggling to let go of the feelings I developed for Cleveland. Once again I thought I was doomed to suffer through lost memories of him. I thought my heart was going to broken (again) into millions of pieces without a glimpse of hope to patch it back together.
But here I sit, remembering all the guys that came before Cleveland and how the pain I endured for them, once upon a time. I recall those restless nights where I wondered if s0-and-so liked me to, and those days at school when I hoped my crush would ask me to Homecoming. Though tonight, what I remember the most is how I got over every single one of them, even if I deemed it impossible. All of those guys, from the one I shared my first kiss to the guy I first fell in love, I can honestly say that I’ve gotten over each one of them.
And now, I think I can almost say that I’ve gotten over Cleveland too. Okay, I’ll admit, there have been some moments of daydreams here and there; however, what’s surprised me is how little I’ve been thinking of him. I’m sure it helps that he won’t talk to me, or return any of the few texts I’ve sent in the last couple of weeks. Though, whatever the case may be, I’m left sitting here wondering what I ever felt for him in the first place. Was he another crush? A guy who showed a broken-down girl some attention? Or was it more? Or perhaps, was it ever anything at all?
Even though he’s made it quite clear that we won’t be seeing each other anytime soon, I cannot help but be curious what it would be like if I saw him again. Would the feelings of desire come back? Or would I smile at him with an empty heart? Would I remember those good times that we shared? Or would I look at him and only feel the pain that he caused me as he slowly indicated that he couldn’t do this anymore?
Sometimes I wish we had that extra moment to see what would happen. But then again, maybe it’s better off that we don’t.
Song of the Moment: Glass by Ingrid Michaelson
For the past week this girl found herself really wanting to find comfort in the arms of a boy. Fortunately for her, she was able to find just that. While last Wednesday proved to be an emotionally destructive day, it did bring about a new friendship in the form of a guy who needed as much distraction and companionship as she did. (We’ll call him “Missouri”.) Just like me, Missouri needed someone to be there for him to help pass the time and let him know that he’s not alone. So for the last (approximately) ten days, I’ve spent at least six of those nights wrapped up in the arms of Missouri as my eyes closed and my weary mind began to rest for a few hours of sleep- or what may be better called a temporary fix.
As I sit here on a Saturday night, struggling to motivate myself to work on a 15-page paper, I realize that what this girl really wants is to feel better. She wants to knock all of her issues out the door, once and for all. She wants to overcome her struggles with stress, anxiety, (lack of) trust, and depression. She doesn’t want to hold herself back anymore. She doesn’t want to rely on the arms of a guy to make her feel better.
I’ve been listening/watching to the performance of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun from Glee all day today. Not only has it resonated with me, but it’s also made me feel as though it’s being sung directly to me. It’s as though the singer is telling me, “You haven’t been having much fun lately. You haven’t been happy. So you need to stop being in denial, stop suppressing your struggles, and really focus on dealing with your issues instead of allowing them to build up and get worse.”
I am consciously aware that running into Missouri’s arms is not the best thing to be doing right now. I know that I should stop relying on such a distraction and focus on working through my issues instead. Trust me, despite of all the crazy things I’ve been jumping into lately I still know my rights from my wrongs. I still know what’s best for me. I still know what I really need. But truth be told, sometimes I just don’t want to do the right thing. I don’t necessarily always have the patience nor the strength to do what’s right. But I think I’ve gotten to the point that I cannot keep running away by saying “I have issues”. I’m pretty such that this dose of depression has really made me think, What can I do to make this go away once and for all? How can I work on letting myself be happy instead of relying on temporary fixes, vices, and distractions? What will it take for this girl to finally be freed from the chains that weigh her down and have fun?
The stuff that we go through in life- the negative and the knocks- we can choose to take us down, or we can choose to stand up or rise up and make us even more brilliant and beautiful.
The truth is that I haven’t felt like myself for a while now. My workouts stopped back in February and since March I’ve hardly been able to get out of bed. My appetite has lessened as time goes on, even failing to eat breakfast most mornings which used to be a mandatory task within twenty minutes of waking up. I’ve even lost my taste for coffee, which sounds strange to those that know me and the inevitable Starbucks cup that used to be in my hand. I’ve stopped volunteering as much, even canceling from time to time because I couldn’t motivate myself to go; and sadly I’ve done the same a few times with class. And then there is my whole financial situation, which was mainly a result of using shopping to fill the void that has been living inside of me for a while now. (Note: I kept doing it because it never really worked more than a temporary fix.)
As of most recent, I’ve lost sight of myself these last few months- 3 months to be exact. With my summer funk continuing, school beginning, and work proving to be more and more unsettling, my life collided with that of someone whom I refer to as “Cleveland”. As if everything else wasn’t enough, I became overloaded with conflicting desires, emotions, and morals. Looking back I don’t necessary regret it, but know that I should have walked away from the beginning. I should have trusted myself enough to know that I didn’t have the strength nor energy to handle something of that nature. But then again, I liked the attention and the fact he wanted me.
But this post isn’t about “Cleveland” nor blaming him for my personal problems. I mean, if anything, he actually helped me feel good about myself for a while. But again this isn’t about him. Instead it’s about me. Me, myself, and I. It’s about what’s going on with me and the struggles I’ve endured this past year. Interesting enough, it really hasn’t been a bad year at all. However, I know that certain stressors have pulled at my strings for some time now and it’s gotten to the point where I really couldn’t suppress them anymore.
I was doing so much better starting yesterday, after taking some time for myself; and because of this, I know that I’ll continue to feel better. Even though I’ve felt off for a long time I always knew that things would get better. After all, it always gets better. (This too shall pass.) Honestly I’ve just been struggling to figure out a way to get started. The beginning of school and trip to California provided temporary reliefs, but in essence it was never proved to be enough. However, with regards to the California trip and other moments of happiness, they’ve always helped to remind me that how I felt during those times is how I want to always feel.
So that brings me today, which is the beginning Day 10 of getting over “Cleveland”. I’m feeling stronger; much stronger than I was a few days ago when I was numb to the world and had eyes filled with tears. I’m stronger. Today I am stronger, and tomorrow I’ll be a little bit stronger than I am today. I know this because I’m letting myself feel more than I have for the majority of this past year. I’m not suppressing all of the stresses and sadness that once consumed my body and took over my mind. I know it’s not a 10-day cure-all miracle, but by growing stronger every day I know that it’s achievable. I know that I’ll achieve it.
As tough as these days have been at times, I am seeing them as a blessing in disguise. Every mistake is a lesson learned. Every heartbreak is a stepping stone. Those tears, well they were clearing my eyes so I could see better. I may never know if “Cleveland” walked into my life or if I walked into his, but I can accept that it happened to make me stronger. And I can accept I am where I am today in order to get where I’m going. When life doesn’t seem to make sense, we can merely call it a lesson learned.
I couldn’t end this post without saying “Thank You” to everyone who continues to stand by my side. Most of you know that I have the tendency to take care of others much more than myself and that this tends to get me into trouble when I reach my limit and crash. But because of you, I always pick myself back up again. You give me your hands so I can wipe off my knees and jump back in. So because of you, I’m able to restart again. You are the ones who have helped me stand up again.
Song of the Moment: A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
You’re worth that adoration, Annie. You’re worth it. And the fact that you don’t believe it has nothing to do with whether it’s true or not. It is true to me, and that’s all that matters. (Happythankyoumoreplease)
If I told you the story of this past week, you probably wouldn’t believe me. You may cynically respond, “How is that even possible? Is there even enough time to cram all of that into 7 days? When did you sleep?” Well, my answers would be, respectively: I don’t know, but it’s true./ Apparently there is./ Ha, I really didn’t.
Without going into the hour-by-hour details, I can tell you that life thrown a few surprises my way this week. I’ve been tested- mentally, emotionally, and morally- in ways that I never thought I’d let myself experience. With tears in my eyes (at times) I struggled between everything I always characterized myself as and the choices I was making- and not making.
But as I write this post, I cannot help but think about those choices that I did make these last few days. For one, I dropped my guard and let a few people see the me that I tend to hide behind a smile and a put-together front. I mean I let one of my best friends (Libby) hear me bawl my heart out instead of ignoring her call. It wasn’t easy at all, but I knew it was what I had to do. Additionally, even though I’ve fought it and continue to, I’ve allowed someone to expose my vulnerabilities and take a chance on me. Again, it hasn’t been easy, but I’ll say that it’s one of those experiences in life that I’ll never forget and always appreciate.
Originally I was going to write about the power of honesty. How by being honest with yourself, you are able to be honest with others. And then, because of this pattern, you allow others to be honesty. To tell you the truth, it’s the only way to be happy. I’m still undergoing the process of applying this to my life, but I’ll admit that I’ve been honest with a variety of different people (over a few different topics) this week and it took some worries away. All I can say is that I feel much better than I did at points last week- as well as this summer. That’s what matters the most, right? Letting yourself face challenges and take chances so that you can be stronger and more comfortable with yourself in the end.
*The title of this post is lyrics from Has Anybody Ever Told You by Ashley Monroe.
“Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.”
~ Annie in Happythankyoumoreplease
We talk about it. We think about it. We over think (about) it. We dream about it. We listen to songs about it; while others sing those songs about it. Some of us choose to write about it, allowing others to read about it. We hope for it. We pray for it. We search for it. We want it, and convince ourselves that we need it. We go crazy for it; and sometimes we become sad because of it. We believe it makes us happy. We believe it makes us whole- for without it we are incomplete. Therefore, we live for it. We live to love and to be loved in return.
But what happens when the stars align and it’s finally found? What happens when love is staring you right in the face- literally? What do you do then? How do you react? Do you remember all those mornings you spent in bed wishing that last night’s dream would come true? Do you remember how you swore if you found love that you’d do anything and everything to not let it get away? Do you prevent yourself from shying away and embrace every ounce of courage you never knew you had? Do you ignore all doubts and embrace it to the fullest?
The sad truth is that as we get older- and coincidentally encounter more heartbreak in our lives- we tend to hold back more often than not in the presence of potential love. Sometimes, we even go as far to run away from it. We question it. We doubt it. We make excuses in our heads; and we tell lies to our hearts. Once optimistic, now cynical. Our dreams replaced by fears. We deem ourselves unworthy of loving and being loved. But why? Are we scared of being rejected? Afraid of getting hurt? Do we fear going down the road of a broken heart again too much to take a chance? Seriously, what’s up with us? Or, better put, what’s wrong with us?
While watching Happythankyoumoreplease this weekend, I found myself mesmerized by this line: “Sadness be gone, let’s be people who deserve to be loved, who are worthy, cause we are worthy.” This line has been with me for the last two days and still I find myself speechless yet at ease when allotting time to think about it. It’s so honest; so real. There’s something so sacred (to me) about this line. Words filled with such sincerity and truth. But still I couldn’t convince myself that it applied to me too. However, today I remembered this-
Just the other day I received a message from a friend from high school. It read: “…I always knew you were amazing and thought that you would do something amazing! There was always something about you that I couldn’t explain but I was always happy to know you…you really deserve an absolutely amazing guy! Someone I can only hope to be like. If I can ever do something to help…let me know”.
My response: “I was so touched by the comments you left before, and now this!! I’m truly humbled. Per usual, I would make some kind of joke or sarcastic remark but I won’t because I know you really mean it. Because of that, all I can say is thank you.”
Before recalling this message, I was debating about whether or not it was possible to go from seeing yourself as ‘unworthy’ to ‘worthy’; and if so, what exactly Step #1 of the process was. But this message- which seems so simple- made me realize that my response was Step #1. That by believing Greg’s words, even for an instant, I believed that I was indeed worthy.
I’m not going to say much more because I have a birthday boy to visit- (little Max is 2 today!)- but I’ll close by admitting that if you’ve been primarily single, like me, then you know how hard it is to keep your self-esteem going. You also know that the slightest PDA can tip you only the edge; or if you’re like me, then I get upset when I hear girls complain about their boyfriends. (“If they’re that bad, then don’t be with them!” is what I want to scream.) But that’s besides the point.
What I want to say to those of us that are single is this: Embrace it. Enjoy this moment. Remember this moment. Keep thinking about love. keep dreaming about love. Keep hoping for love, and keep praying for love. And when it does eventually come, and it will, then do everything you can to remember how much you longed for it. Remember all those tears you cried hoping you’d find it one day. Don’t run away and don’t you dare be scared. Just take a deep breath; tell yourself you deserve it; and then let yourself love and to be loved in return.
This post was inspired by the movie, Happythankyoumoreplease, which is definitely one of the best movies I’ve ever seen and one I highly recommend. Here’s the synopsis: Captures a generational moment – young people on the cusp of truly growing up, tiring of their reflexive cynicism, each in their own ways struggling to connect and define what it means to love and be loved.
Additionally if you find yourself in a love affair with New York City, then this movie is a must-see.
Song of the Moment: Never Be Daunted by Jaymay (on movie soundtrack)
I cannot stop listening to Where I Stood (covered by Caroline County). The song (original by Missy Higgins) was introduced to me by one of my best friends; the same friend that recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years and felt a strong connection to the song based on her situation.
Now what I cannot figure out is why I have taken such a liking to this song. I’m not the one who was battling doubts about her relationship; heck, I’m not even in a relationship to have doubts about. So how is it that I find myself relating to this song? Why do the lyrics hit home for me? Why is it that little single me is questioning how the song pertains to her?
Even listening to it just now still has me at a lost for why I find myself so captivated with this song. Why do I listen to every word so attentively and feel pain as though this is my story being told?
Here’s a thought…maybe I want it to be my story? Maybe I want a chance to be in a relationship- just this one time? Maybe I want the chance to fall in love? Maybe I want the chance for someone to fall madly in love with me? And maybe, just maybe, I want to be with someone who eliminates any doubts from my mind? Maybe I want to know who I am when in a relationship? Maybe I want to know who I can be with someone else by my side?
I can honestly say that I’ve never been so impressed by a guy in my life. That alone makes it obvious that I’m crushing on someone- oh gosh, I even got weak in the knees before seeing him once. Anyways, he’s pretty fantastic. Better than any fantasy my imaginative mind could concoct. Certainly one of those guys that you can’t let get away. One of those rare finds that you know you’ll never get a second chance with. Despite knowing an array of good guys in my lifespan, I swear I’ve never met anyone like him before.
And while I can say that about him, I’m not sure he’s able to say the same about me. As humble as he’s proven to be, I’m far from his first admirer. I’m one of many in his fan club. I know that I am nothing new. Therefore, I must also admit that I’ve never been so intimidated by a guy either. And that being said, I’ve never been so cautious with my heart either. It’s not that there’s anything to lose… it’s more that there is so much to gain.
With his absence this summer, I find that all I can do is let it go. I always knew it was what I had to do. Always knew it was for the best. However, it hasn’t been as easy as I assumed it would be. Too many times I recall the second part of the infamous line that Alisha reminded me of: … if it comes back, it’s yours.
Even with my doubts, maybe I just can’t ignore the possibility that it will come back? Maybe I’m just not sold on the notion that this is another crazy crush of mine? Yes, I know that it’s a big world out there and many temptations in high heels on those New York City streets; however, an ounce of jealousy hasn’t encompassed my body- at least not yet. And you know why? Because a tiny part of me believes that, to him, that’s nothing new and that I am quite possibly something he’s never seen before. A girl can at least dream, right?
In deciding what to say next, this song came up on my playlist: One and Only by Adele. Somehow it was the first time I’ve heard it despite Adele being a staple in my life these days. While the inspiration isn’t coming to me yet, I can promise you that I’ll be using its lyrics in a future post. Til then, XOXO.