Archive for the ‘love & heartbreak’ Tag

dead hearts are everywhere. dead hearts are everywhere.   2 comments

I’m pretty sure I speak for every single girl (and probably boy too) when I say that being single isn’t easy- especially during the holidays.  There just something about the falling snow and twinkling lights that elicits PDAs, even without the help of mistletoe.  It’s not that us singletons are bitter or jealous, but rather we feel taunted by the overload of kisses on every street corner and engagement announcements on Facebook.  Again, we’re not bitter…we’re just human.  It’s not easy to smile every time you find out another high school ‘friend’ is engaged or hear a valley girl bragging about what her boyfriend is getting her for Christmas on the bus.  To be honest, some days it’s just plain difficult.  Okay, most days, especially when you’re also struggling to smile through an already-broken heart.

I’m a little disappointed in myself these days.  When did I become a cynical girl who stopped believing in true love?  When did I begin gagging at the sign of lovey-dovey cuddle sessions at the bus stop?  When did I stop spending time with couples at bars asking them how they met?  When did I start being one of those sad girls who really doesn’t believe that she’ll ever find love?

The truth is I don’t know how to start believing again.  I’m not really sure that I’m capable of doing so granted the sad & cynical state I’ve found myself in lately.  Maybe it’s going to take time?  Maybe it’s going to take a miracle?  Or maybe it’s never going to happen? After struggling for 7 years to get over a first love who never officially knew my feelings (ck) and falling for a guy that I never had a chance of calling mine (“Cleveland”), I find myself grasping for something.  Anything that makes me believe again that love is possible for me. 

Okay, this is definitely coming off more rash than meant to be, but I guess my point is this: How are broken hearts supposed to be repaired?  How can dead hearts become alive again?  What is the secret?  Who holds the key?  There are so many broken hearts in our world today, some of them belonging to very good friends of mine.  How can I fix them?  How can I make them whole again?  How can I help them believe in love again?  How can I help them see that they deserve to be loved, and that one day they will be loved again?

Song of the Moment: Dead Hearts by Stars

if i talk really slowly, if i try real hard to make my point dear, that you have my heart. here i go. i’d tell you but you already know.   2 comments

In order to write this post to the best of my ability, I must admit that I’ve been watching The Bachelorette this season.  Now in mentioning this, it is necessary to remind you that I’ve stuck with my boycott and haven’t watched a single episode of The Bachelor since the Jake-Choosing-Vienna moment shook my guilty pleasure TV-watching world. (Bachelor Boycott Begins post)

Anyways… for those of you who haven’t had the privilege to watch this season of The Bachelorette with me, I’ll tell you that I’m the President of Team JP.  Every viewing party can be summarized by me saying, “This show is ridiculous!” and expressing my love for JP: Ashley is crazy if she lets this guy get away.  He’s the kind of you always hope to find.  Therefore if she doesn’t choose him, then it’s certainly her loss. (Maybe my gain? Wishful thinking…)

Okay, I’m not really love with him; however, this past episode certainly caused my admiration for him to skyrocket.  In reference to his previously broken heart, he spoke the most honest words that can only be learned through such a soul-wrenching experience (aka love).

He said, “Unless I completely put myself out there and expose my vulnerability and allow myself to get hurt, there’s no way that we could ever work.  I’ve accepted the fact of all of this, if I get completely crushed and heartbroken at least I can walk away saying I gave that everything I had and I was open to everything and it just didn’t work out.”

He’s right, and anyone who has allowed themselves to learn lessons from their heartbreak will agree too.  For one, I agree.  Now I could come up with a line of my own, but I’m going to borrow Martha Beck’s infamous line instead:  “Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.”  While it takes time and some good cries to figure this out, the ultimate lesson that one learns thru a broken heart is “Take a deep breath, put on a smile and a bundle of confidence, and try again.”

JP’s outlook is one that we should all adopt.  Whether you’re going on The Bachelorette (hopefully not), a singleton looking for love (lust) or a rookie in the relationship game, it’s best to have the attitude that you’ll give it all you got and trust that whatever happens, happens.  Be Honest with Yourself.  Be Open with Others.  Live with No Regrets.  And most importantly, Don’t Be Afraid to Fall in Love or Have Someone Fall in Love with You.

Yesterday one of my best friends posed an interesting question my way.  She asked, “Do you think you were in love with Casey?”  I answered honestly and said I believe so because of how much I cared about him- and still do.  But that being said, I know that the regrets I’ve had over him are the result of me not putting myself out there.  This is also why it took me for-ev-er to get over him.  But like I’ve said above, heartbreak tends to be the best way to learn lessons.  Afterall, mistakes are the best teacher.

So like my dear JP, I’ve learned a lot from my broken heart.  Most importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself.  And while my confidence level still tends to depend on the day, I can say that I’ve been more comfortable (than I ever could have imagined) taking chances and putting myself on the line.  I’ve been exposing my vulnerabilities and allowing myself to dabble in situations to which I could get hurt.  If we’re being honest here, I’ll tell you that I’ve been a little scared lately- after learning how vulnerable I’ve let myself become; however, I have no regrets.  If anything, I’m so grateful that I’ve grown enough to let myself do so.  Because like that cute guy on The Bachelorette said, “…at least I can walk away saying I gave that everything I had and I was open to everything and it just didn’t work out.”

The title of this song is lyrics from For You by Angus & Julia Stone.

i go back to december (2009) all the time.   Leave a comment

There’s an intersection right before you pass Mars High School that I drove through today, without having to stop.  I acknowledged the building as I drove past, remembering it as where I once played and watched many basketball games at… once upon a time.  And then, like clockwork, I remembered it as something more.  Much more.  As I slowed down (just a bit) and looked out my driver’s side window, I thought of The Boy who used to live in Mars.  The boy who just thinking about made my heart flutter and hurt, all in the matter of an instant.  The boy that I used to not be able to stop thinking about…was now a second thought behind the basketball career of my teenage self.

For a while, about seven years in fact, I couldn’t hear “Mars” and not think of that boy, or hear the name “Casey” and not think of Mars.  Think: Casey used to live in Mars.  But today…today was different.  Today I found myself driving past Mars High School, lost in conversation with my cousin, Trish, and thinking about summer league games and four years of WPIAL Section 1 games against those Mars’ Planets.  And then, for the sake of nostalgia, I made myself think about Casey: The Boy that used to live in Mars.  The boy who I really did love.

Isn’t it funny how things change?  It’s amazing what a difference a year can make. 

Even if I had my blog at this time last year, I probably wouldn’t have opened up to you about this moment of mine- that I’ll share with you willingly today.  Last year I wouldn’t have opened up about this at all.  Not to anyone…well maybe Darlene or Adriana 🙂 … but no one else.  But this year is different.  See, last year, around shortly after Christmas, I did sit at that intersection staring out the window at Mars High School.  There were no basketball games running through my mind.  Not a single one.  The only thing on my mind was him.  Casey.  I sat there looking at the building, probably missing the turning of the traffic light, thinking about him.  Wondering how he was doing and where he was doing just that.  I wondered so much that a few weeks later, I texted him…wait let me try that again: I sucked up all my strength and ignored all my doubts and texted him, on his birthday.  Why?  Many reasons.  For one, it was his birthday and it’s what a “friend” would do, and truthfully, I wanted to be his friend.  (I’ve always wanted to be his friend.)  Also, I wanted him to know that I still think about him; still care about him; and give him any sort of closure that he may have needed from me.  And lastly, call me selfish, but I wanted closure for myself.  I wanted to know that I did what I wanted to do and didn’t let my fears & doubts hold me back.  In all honesty, while I did still care deeply about him last year, I really wanted to let him go.  Once and for all.  I wanted to know that I did something in an attempt to let myself let him go.  And you know what, I think it (eventually) worked. 

Like I said, this year is different.  From many wonderful reasons, this year is different.  This year I’m not ashamed to admit that I once loved a boy who may have never loved me back.  This year I’m not afraid to say that I held onto something for way too long and only ended up with a heart full of cracks and disappointment.  No, this year is different.  This year I can truly agree that it is better to have loved and lost than to never have loved at all.  This year, for some reason, I can say at ease that I am truly grateful for the role that He played in my life because without him, I wouldn’t be neither who I am nor where I am today. 

So, if by chance you, Casey, ever stumbled upon this, I’ll say this to you: Thank You.  Thank you for allowing me to love you; helping me grow up; and showing me how great love can be- when love is returned.  Our story would have been a good one.  One that made people, made us, believe that fate exists.  Possibly even, dare I say, soulmates.  But it would have just been a story.  And if I’ve learned one thing about love, it’s that real love is much better than some fairy tale or epic love story.

Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift

 

I know that it’s over between us. I’m not bitter anymore, because I know that what we had was real. And if in some distant place in the future we see each other in our new lives, I’ll smile at you with joy and remember… learning from each other and growing in love. The best love is the kind that awakens the soul and makes us reach for more, that plants a fire in our hearts and brings peace to our minds, and that’s what you’ve given me.  ~The Notebook

i know it’s not your fault, but i’m a locked door. anytime i’m a mess by someone before. and i wish that i, i could find the key, to unlock all the things you want us to be. let me open up and start again, but there’s a safe around my heart. i don’t know how to let you in.   2 comments

Heartbreak is a fact of life.  It happens to the best of us, and in fact, I think it’s what forms our best possible self.  Did I just lose you?  What I’m saying is that- in some ironic fashion- all of the crappy, soul-crippling, unexplainable things that happen to us not only develop our character, but they introduce us to a better version of ourselves.  Isn’t that what life is all about?  Being tested with obstacles to overcome and prove (to yourself) just how strong you are.

I remember being a naive twenty-year old (at OU) and telling my friend, Amanda, “I think I need to have my heart broken.”  She tried reassurring me that my concept was foolish but I stuck with my belief, convinced that it was an experience that I needed in my life. 

I must have jinxed myself because it was only a few weeks later that the first crack in my poor little heart formed, and the beginning of the shattering that has occurred since.  But like I said, I knew it was something that I needed to go through, and boy did I!  It’s something that I’ll never forget and, quite possibly, never fully let go of.  First love & first heartbreak: Two of life’s haunting lessons.

But heartbreak is not synonymous with “The End” and therefore, we all rise again.  It takes longer for some than others, but all of us are capable of overcoming heartbreak.  And for some of us, rising again may be one of the biggest struggles of our lives.  I say “our lives” because I think I’m one of those “us”.

Since my first (real) heartbreak a few years ago has left me scarred, my love life hasn’t been more than a few crushes, a friends-with-benefits-gone-wrong, 3-4 one-nighters, and a whole lot of nothing- especially since moving here two years ago.  As my heart continued to shatter over time, I found myself chaining it up more and more.  One day, I decided that it was best to throw away the key…hoping that one day, someone (maybe a particular someone at one time) would find it and unlock the chains to my heart.  Without sounding too desperate, that hope hasn’t gotten me too far. 

My Facebook status reads “Single” but if there was a “Single and Available” option then I don’t think I’d find myself choosing it.  Though my ringless finger may scream“Available!” my heart has not.  Why?  Well,  little heartbroken me has been afraid of getting hurt again, and I’ve been afraid of making someone else deal with my broken self. 

Truth be told, I’m tired of being afraid; tired of holding myself back; and tired of not letting a guy get to be “In a Relationship” with me.  I don’t want to hide behind a broken heart anymore.  I don’t want to tell people “Yes, I’m single.” over and over again.  I want to break away from the chains and open my heart again.  I want to be fearless, and therefore, not afraid of getting hurt again.  I’ve come a long way and I want to go even further.

Channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw, I think that this is my best conclusion: When you’re ready, and I mean really ready, you’ll discover that the chains around your heart were never locked.  And that key that you threw away with hopes to be found by Prince Charming, well you had the key all along.  I’ve had the key all along.  I’m the only one who’s ever had the key.  And, more so, I think I’m almost ready.

 

 Song of the Moment: Need You by Travie McCoy

unsent love letter mix tape: track 9   Leave a comment

The post I wrote on Sunday, October 10th will explain the ideas behind the Unsent Love Letter Mix Tape series, and if it still doesn’t make sense to you, well then, at least it makes sense to me.  The writer.  The blogger.  The girl behind the computer.  Call me what you will but these are my letters.  Love Letters.  Some will be traditional love letters and some will be love letters of another sort.  These are my love letters to those that I love…or once loved…or will one day love.  Let me point out that my plan is not to send these letters, but to write them as though I was sending them. 

Track 9 is written to Allie Hamilton of The Notebook.  You know what, I won’t bother explaning why.  Instead I’ll just let the letter speak for itself.

 

 

Dear Allie,

I’ve wanted to write to you for awhile now, and in a way I’m glad I never did because today is definitely the right day for me to finally do so.  I won’t explain why exactly, and I know you won’t press me to do so.  It is for that simple reason that I know I’m writing to the right person.

Often I think about your story with Noah, hearing you ask him, “It was real, wasn’t it? You and me. Such a long time ago, we were just a couple of kids. But we really loved each other, didn’t we? “

I saw what Noah went through during the 7 years that you were apart- not knowing what the future held for you.  So let me ask, plain and simple, What was it like for you?  How did you get through the heartbroken time in your life?  How did you get through each and every day of those 7 years?  Did you just learn to live that way- with a broken heart? 

Having not heard from Noah during those 7 years nor knowing that he was still pining for you, how did you handle it?  Did it hurt when you thought of him?  Did you tell yourself that he’s probably happy with someone else, and therefore you should move on with your life?  Did you think that you could even move on with someone else? 

How did you finally let yourself move on with Lon?  Were you ever able to finally let go?  When you were with Lon, before Noah came back into your life, did you still think of Noah?  And when Lon proposed to you, was Noah at all on your mind?  Did you wish that you were marrying Noah instead?

So this letter turned into me asking you a ton of questions.  Sorry about that.  Maybe we could get coffee some time and talk about this.  And I can tell you where all of my questions are coming from.  In essence, we have a lot more in common than you realize and I’d love to get your insight on, well, everything.

Thanks so much, Allie.  I hope to see you soon.

Sending you and Noah my love.

Kristen

Song of the Moment: You and Me- Lifehouse 

unsent love letter mix tape: track 8   Leave a comment

The post I wrote on Sunday, October 10th will explain the ideas behind the Unsent Love Letter Mix Tape series, and if it still doesn’t make sense to you, well then, at least it makes sense to me.  The writer.  The blogger.  The girl behind the computer.  Call me what you will but these are my letters.  Love Letters.  Some will be traditional love letters and some will be love letters of another sort.  These are my love letters to those that I love…or once loved…or will one day love.  Let me point out that my plan is not to send these letters, but to write them as though I was sending them. 

Track 8 is written to the boys of my past.  From first crushes, to first kisses, to first love, first heartbreak…but it’s not just about the firsts either.  All of them.  Each and every one has made an impact on me, contributing more than I’m even conscious of, and therefore, are the addressee of this letter. 

Where is this coming from?  Last night I had a dream about the boy I had my first kiss with in 7th grade.  Ironically it’s not my first random dream about him, and probably not my last.  At first I found it odd especially since my only connection to him since high school is Facebook (as of recent), but then I realized that our dreams are not confined to a timeline.  Our dreams hold the stories of who we were and who we aspire to be, and therefore, who we are.  So now, awake the conscious, I realize that many boys have played a role in who I am today and coincidentally who I’ll be for all my tomorrows.  Mistakenly we don’t always recognize nor give credit to all that are deserving, not seeing that those that love(d) us and that we love(d)- unrequited too- truly contributed to our development as well.  So here is my love letter to all those boys- well a few boys who shall remain nameless.

 
 
 
   

To Whomever This May Concern,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I’m going to guess that you didn’t expect to hear from me having been awhile since we last saw one another.  To be honest, I’m a bit surprised that I am writing to you but thought it was time.  Let me explain.

After spending a weekend talking about boys, life, and more boys with another single girl friend of mine, I’ve taken some time to digest my past and how I’ve gotten to where I am today- and not just literally but why I am the way I am.  Deep, right?  Trust me, you have no idea how much thinking I do these days. 

If you must know, I’m single and really haven’t had much any luck in the categories of boyfriends, love, and anything that may come in between.  Some of you are surely in disbelief having known me back in the day when I was a boyfriend magnet…in middle school and early high school.  I must have used up all of my boyfriend cards on those 1-2 week relationships I ran through the halls of HMS and HHS.  Since then, the ‘boyfriend’ title actually hasn’t been used.  Sure there are a very ‘it’s complicated’s, ‘hook-ups’, and ‘we’re talking’s in my biography, but never anything more.  Yep.  Welcome to my life.

And I’m rambling here.  A lot.  Sorry about that, I guess I’m just not sure what to say to you and perhaps more nervous than I thought I’d be. 

Why am I writing to you?  To be honest, I am hoping that you can help me.  Maybe you’re not able to and/or not willing, but I at least want to try.  I do not feel like there’s any bad blood between us- from my perspective there is not, but perhaps it’s not fair for me to assume that you don’t.  Do you?  I know we were young when we knew one another, but I hope that I didn’t give you a reason not to like me.  Did I?

Again, I ramble.  Okay, I’m a little nervous about asking my question(s) because I’m not sure what your response will be. 

What was I like when we were…together…or whatever we were?  I don’t mean, Was I nice/funny/cool/popular?  Instead I’m asking, what was I like as your girlfriend?  As the girl you were talking to?  As the girl you made out with?  Please be honest with me.  I need to know.

Did you like me?  If it helps at all, I liked you too.  Without coming across as crazy- which you may or may not think I am already- despite my probable feelings for you, I most likely ran away.  Did I run away?  (I’m sure I did.)

I don’t want to run away anymore.  There, I said it.  I could have saved both of us a lot of time if I would have started this letter with “Hi.  How are you?  I don’t want to run away anymore and I think you can help me change that.”  But I guess I wanted to elaborate it so this last part makes more sense.

You know how people say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Well it really was me, not you.  Believe me when I say that.  See, for some reason I have this natural-born tendency to run away.  I’ve done it since middle and now, after all these years, I don’t even recognize that I’m doing it…until it’s too late. 

I’m not writing this to get you back.  That is certainly not my intention.  But instead I’m asking you, someone who once knew me and/or genuinely cared for me, to tell me straight how I am.  Flaws and all.  I really want to change.  I want to fall in love.  I want to let someone love me. 

People continuously ask me “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” or make the comment “I cannot believe you don’t have a boyfriend”.  The excuses get old and soon they just sounds like lies to me.  I don’t want to lie anymore.  I don’t want to run away. 

Even if you do not respond, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my ramblings.  You know, you’re still helping me even if you don’t reply with a laundry list of my flaws and irrational behaviors because I was able to open up to you here.  So thank you.

Lastly, if by any chance I hurt you through my insecurities and actions, please accept my sincere apologies.  Again it wasn’t you, it was definitely me.

Take care.

Kristen

Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift

So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night

unsent love letter mix tape: track 7   3 comments

The post I wrote on Sunday, October 10th will explain the ideas behind the Unsent Love Letter Mix Tape series, and if it still doesn’t make sense to you, well then, at least it makes sense to me.  The writer.  The blogger.  The girl behind the computer.  Call me what you will but these are my letters.  Love Letters.  Some will be traditional love letters and some will be love letters of another sort.  These are my love letters to those that I love…or once loved…or will one day love.  Let me point out that my plan is not to send these letters, but to write them as though I was sending them. 

Track 7 is written to my Mom & Dad.  After talking to both on the phone this evening, I found myself defending my choice to follow my dreams, follow my heart against their lack of support and conflicting viewpoint.  The two people who I seek support, encouragement, and guidance from the most were trying to discourage me.  To say I’m upset is an understatement.  I don’t know how I feel.  Let down, perhaps?  Anyways, it is because I’m not sure if/when I will talk to them next that I write this love letter, because I do love them I’m just not sure if I like them much right now.

 

 

 

Dear Mom & Dad,

I am writing this letter to you because I love you.  If I didn’t then I wouldn’t take the time to write and let you know how I feel, hoping that we find some common ground and understanding.  See, in speaking to you both this evening- separately, I found myself upset listening to your ‘speeches’ and speaking up passionately to defend myself and the choices that I’m making. 

I do need to (again) point out that I understand and appreciate the points you made during our discussions and as I said to both of you separately, all of these are things that I have taken into consideration multiple times.  However, my passion for this line of work and the joy I get from it override each and every reason you gave me.  I guess I just thought that you finally understood how dedicated I am to all things that align with me pursuing my passions and dreams.  I thought that I had your  support.  I thought you wanted me to be happy.  I guess I thought wrong.

I got off the phone with frustration steaming through my veins, and it upsets me more that you have no idea how much your words affected me.  Did I take what you were saying the wrong way?  Was that your way of saying “I believe in you”, “I support you”, and “Go get ’em, Tiger”? Yeah, I didn’t think so.

You are my parents.  Your opinion means the world to me, and knowing that you do believe and support me are truly what I need the most in this take chances, carpe diem world of slamming doors and negativity.

I’ve lived in Chicago for two years now and you know this has been the biggest struggle of my life.  But what I realized tonight is, you don’t know just how rough the struggle has been for me, do you?  While you’ve been by my side, you have not worn my shoes.  You have not felt what I’ve felt, nor have you felt completely empty- feeling nothing at all- for as many days I have.  You will never understand how I’ve struggled.

You have never worn my shoes and you never will.  You will never be an anxiety-ridden twenty-seven year old female who moves into a strange new city for a job that turns out to be exactly the opposite of what she anticipated it being.  You will never know what it’s like to feel alone in a place filled with millions of people.  You will never see the things that I’ve seen nor hear what I’ve heard.  You will never feel what I’ve felt, and haven’t felt. 

You have never worn my shoes, the shoes of a single women that is forced to provide herself with the love and support that a significant other is meant to give.  You’ve been with one another since you were teenagers and therefore you do not know what it’s like to wake up feeling lonely and know that the same thing is going to happen again tomorrow unless a miracle finally happens. 

You have never worn the shoes on a broken-hearted soul.  You do not know what it’s like to be surrounded by millions of people and still pine for someone who you may never see again.  You will never wear these shoes, and it doesn’t seem like you’ll ever understand that I do wear these worn-out shoes.

You have never worn the shoes of a dreamer.  You do not know what it’s like to feel unfilled until you explore your passions and dreams.  There’s always a dream, and therefore a dreamer’s mileage is infinite.

You do not know what it’s like to question who you are; question where you belong; nor question if you belong anywhere.  You may never wear my shoes, but as my parents I hope that you can understand the shoes that I wear every day.  I wish you could understand what I need from you.  

Love,

Kristen

Song of the Moment: Brave by Idina Menzel