Archive for the ‘evening rambling’ Category
I’m pretty sure I speak for every single girl (and probably boy too) when I say that being single isn’t easy- especially during the holidays. There just something about the falling snow and twinkling lights that elicits PDAs, even without the help of mistletoe. It’s not that us singletons are bitter or jealous, but rather we feel taunted by the overload of kisses on every street corner and engagement announcements on Facebook. Again, we’re not bitter…we’re just human. It’s not easy to smile every time you find out another high school ‘friend’ is engaged or hear a valley girl bragging about what her boyfriend is getting her for Christmas on the bus. To be honest, some days it’s just plain difficult. Okay, most days, especially when you’re also struggling to smile through an already-broken heart.
I’m a little disappointed in myself these days. When did I become a cynical girl who stopped believing in true love? When did I begin gagging at the sign of lovey-dovey cuddle sessions at the bus stop? When did I stop spending time with couples at bars asking them how they met? When did I start being one of those sad girls who really doesn’t believe that she’ll ever find love?
The truth is I don’t know how to start believing again. I’m not really sure that I’m capable of doing so granted the sad & cynical state I’ve found myself in lately. Maybe it’s going to take time? Maybe it’s going to take a miracle? Or maybe it’s never going to happen? After struggling for 7 years to get over a first love who never officially knew my feelings (ck) and falling for a guy that I never had a chance of calling mine (“Cleveland”), I find myself grasping for something. Anything that makes me believe again that love is possible for me.
Okay, this is definitely coming off more rash than meant to be, but I guess my point is this: How are broken hearts supposed to be repaired? How can dead hearts become alive again? What is the secret? Who holds the key? There are so many broken hearts in our world today, some of them belonging to very good friends of mine. How can I fix them? How can I make them whole again? How can I help them believe in love again? How can I help them see that they deserve to be loved, and that one day they will be loved again?
Song of the Moment: Dead Hearts by Stars
Today is not my day. Yes, there were certainly some ‘YAY’ parts to this Fri-YAY, as in FB chatting with Brandon and my lovely phone date with my beloved Darlene. But unfortunately I could neither drink enough coffee nor find one more table to paint to turn this blahness into some thing resembling a smile. My apartment is a mess and therefore I, too, am a mess. Does anyone else feel that way or am I just turning into my mother? Seriously though, whenever my apartment is torn up (as has been the case since this whole bed bugs epidemic struck a mere few weeks ago), I tend to breathe that messiness into my being. Unfortunately this mess of an apartment isn’t going away until it needs to be for the arrival of Jen & Matt next week. Now that’s the kind of “YAY” I like for Fri-YAY.
Forcing myself to stay in tonight, I’ve spent the past few hours going back-and-forth between trying to come up with a post to write and painting second coats on my now black night stands, end tables, and desk. Unfortunately this writer/blogger has been more productive with the painting, which is probably obvious as you read this rambling of a post.
I don’t know. Maybe I should just surrender and call it an early night…which is probably a good idea with tomorrow’s early wake-up call and (potentially) late night out with the girls. Okay, Friday, January 7, 2011…I surrender. You win. I lose. But I’m bowing out gracefully...
…and taking one of the loves of my life, Hazel, with me. If only I could. I miss this little girl so much. I’d give anything to be able to cuddle up with her right now and watch Leave It To Beaver or even Elmo. That’s how much I love & miss her!! And Georgie too of course, who is now walking. Seriously, I need to get myself back to Cinci to see all my kids- including Hazel & George.
Good night, kids. Hope you had some ‘YAY’ in your Fri-YAY, and if not, then here’s to hoping our weekends are much more enjoyable. Tomorrow is a big day for me and yes, there will be lots of coffee. Let’s just hope it works its energy-boosting magic tomorrow. Pingers crossed.
Song of the Moment: What Do You Want From Me by Jerrod Niemann
I hardly ever go out on Friday nights, and I honestly cannot remember leaving a bar at 2 am (or later) sober. Well…tonight, both occurred. I guess there really is a first for everything, even this (unheard of) scenario for this little Chicago-living OU alum. Crazy, right?
In celebration of my friend’s birthday, we ventured out for a Friday night in Chicago and,despite Sarah and I both relaying our tiredness at 11 am, we ended up staying out until the 2 am closing. In fact, they turned the lights on and shooed us out- which is something I cannot remember happening since my college nights at Pigskin… and I most certainly wasn’t sober on those nights.
We had a few bottles of wine between us at dinner before heading to a bar in Lincoln Park. Immediately upon getting there I made sure to getmy (second) Red Bull in me, reasoning that caffeine, and not alcohol, was going to get me through the remainder of the night. I sat in the bar talking with Sarah and engaging in conversations with friends-of-friends, while also taking in the scene of primarily drunk college students: A scene I used to know too well. But that’s the story of my past.
To entertain myself, but this time while sober, I started my typical conversations with couples to find out how they first met. Listening to the stories of “we met in college at a bar” and “we met in college at a party”, I found myself scanning the crowd of boys. To give them all the benefit of the doubt instead of partaking in tool bashing, I’ll say that none of them appealed to me. Which made me think of Nick, the guy I met at the bar in Columbus a few weeks ago. (The one Jim set up to talk to me.) How did I get so lucky to meet and talk with such a great guy? Like I’ve said, he’s proof that good guys are still out there…even at the bar.
I know I’m stressed or tired when I talk to my mom about boys, and I’m both stressed and tired when I bring up Casey to her. While my mom is one of my confidantes now, it wasn’t always the case- due to my own lack of appreciation for her (most likely), so talking to her about boys, let alone the one who (both) had and broke my heart was certainly off topic for us. But the day came when I finally opened up to her, but to this day I still don’t think she gets it. How can she (?) since I don’t get it either?
Today I did say his name, but it was unlike any of those other few times before. Today I said, and I quote, in my rambling, stressed & tired state of mind, soul, and body, “It feels so good to not be thinking about Casey anymore.” It really does.
With the exception of today, and even amidst all of the go-go-go these past few days, this week has gone fairly well. How could it not when I spend 3 days in the presence of remarkable kids and 2 days with a dear friend? Simply put, things have gone fairly well and I’ve felt really good. I’ve been happy. Now I’m not exactly sure what the catalyst is, besides the fact that I spent hours upon hours in the presence of newborns, toddlers, and inspirational little warriors (kids). I personally think there’s a bit more to it. I think I’ve found out where I belong.
Yesterday I shared that I saw Love and Other Drugs last night and that my review was still being processed. In talking with my mom earlier, when not about boys, I mentioned that “it will be one of those movies that I’ll watch over and over again to explore the notions it presents and how those personally appeal/connect to me.”
Without re-watching the movie today, I found myself on the bus back from Soldier Field, following my conversation and epiphany via my mom’s phone call, thinking about the theme that I took from the movie: That it’s okay to need someone else and not always rely only on yourself.
I’ve taken care of myself for so long, especially these last two years, that I confide in my friends that I think I’ll always be single because I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me. Like other anxiety-ridden and tired nights, tonight I found myself feeding fuel to the fire of this irrational belief that no one will ever be able to let me let him in.
But after thinking my talk with Dina on Wednesday (wow, that was Wednesday?) as she shared her own stories, I know that it takes the love of the right guy to hold your hand as you continue along the path you’ve chosen to follow. Thinking about my friends’ loves- Dina included- and the reassuring gift of hope that I’ve recently received in the form a wonderful guy, I see it more clearly than I have in a long time, or perhaps ever. As for the latter, even if this guy turns out to be another friend along the journey, I’ll take it. Anyone that can restore my faith that there are good guys still out there is someone who I hope will always be in my life, in whatever capacity I’d be fortunate to hold. He’s a rare find, that one, and will make some girl extremely happy. No doubts here.
For at least the second time in the past month, my mom instructed me, during one of our phone calls, “Don’t run away.” Well Mom, I promise you that I won’t run away anymore. Not now. Not next time. Not ever.
Songs of the Moment: Parachute by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza-E4k_1OE and Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKU3UuJhIxU&feature=related
Sooooo much to say. But given the fact that I just got home (surprisingly sober) and my alarm is going off in less than 3 hours, I’m going to keep this post very, very short. To be honest, if I had time and energy to write then I’m not really quite sure what I would say. See, tonight was extremely interesting. Besides my friends, tonight was evidence of why I question my place in Chicago. If you only knew the things I saw…
Again, I could so much but then again I’m not even sure where to start. There’s a lot on my weary mind right now…including many questions about many topics…but right now I think it’s best to just hit “Publish”; turn off my light; cuddle up under my covers; and think about how I’m going to see little Hazel and George in 11 hours. They are exactly what I need right now, as well as quality time with Rebecca and Adriana.
All I have to say about today is…
3:30 am alarm.
4:45 am starbucks run.
chicago to indy.
indy to chicago.
I should definitely be asleep by now. Good night, kids.
I promise I’ll write about my journey back to Athens soon, and indulge you on where my mind is right now after that trip down memory lane. Here is a quote to set you up for where my mind is, as I realize, yet again, that the past is in the past- no matter how hard I try to preserve it. (And how much I miss it!)
Some people believe that without history, our lives amount to nothing. At some point we all have to choose: do we fall back on what we know, or do we step forward to something new? It’s hard not to be haunted by our past. Our history is what shapes us… what guides us. Our history resurfaces time after time after time. So we have to remember sometimes the most important history is the history we’re making today. Meredith Grey, Grey’s Anatomy
Additionally, here are five things that occurred today in my little world:
1. I had a wonderful day, of good, honest communication, with my supervisor, Mary. She’s fantastic!!
2. I have a volunteer assignment at Children’s Memorial in the Child Life Department!! I will be working with the Infant- 3 year old program. (More on that later.)
3. My mom, once again, shared her thoughts (aka disapproval) of my goal to become a Child Life Specialist. I’ll leave it at that because I know that she doesn’t mean to be condescending.
4. I made a new friend today, sorta, on my walk in the pouring rain to Children’s Memorial. Her name is Meredith and guess what, she’s moving to Denver next week. Denver, seriously? Another person moving to Denver; expressing their love for Denver; telling me to move there…seriously!
5. I feel so behind on life right now. Weekend now, please.