Archive for the ‘“Cleveland”’ Tag
As I vowed in a previous post, http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2012/02/23/40-days-and-40-nights/, my Lenten promise was to give up all contact with the man known as Cleveland. To be fair, I did break that pact, but only once. (Sorry, Jesus.) And in my defense, the communication that I did have was a very short and innocent text that, at the time, I felt was my final “Goodbye. I finally moved on.” To tell you the truth, at that time that I confidently sent Cleveland the text, I really was convinced that my feelings were gone. But tonight, as I sit here with visions of him on my mind, I find myself relapsing after the hiatus.
What is it about him that I just can’t seem to fully let go of? Was it our chemistry? His insistent pursuit? The fact that he took a chance on me when no other guy has really done that? Or the fact that because I can’t have him, I want him even more? But then again, am I just stressed out (yes!) from all the running around and mounds of school work that I turn to him (and the memories and chemistry we share) when I find myself needing a destressing time-out?
Even though Lent ended today, I haven’t considered contacting him. Would I like to? Of course. But I know I wouldn’t hear back from him so really what’s the point? Sure, my fearless side says, “Take a chance.” However, common sense says, over and over again, “Let it go.”
To tell you the truth, I had absolutely no idea that today was the first day of Lent (aka Ash Wednesday) until I heard it mentioned on the radio around 8:15 am CT. So since then, I’ve been thinking about what I could give up for Lent. Hmmmmm…
Nah? That’s something I really don’t have to “give up” since they aren’t too prevalent in my life anyways.
Diet Coke? Yes!! I need to give up that since I shouldn’t be drinking it in the first place. (Note: So, I gave up pop back in high school- for Lent actually- and went about 12 years without drinking it, with the exception being with rum, etc. However, for some reason, Diet Coke found it’s way back into my life a few weeks ago. But now…it’s got to go!)
Okay, but there’s something else I need to give up for Lent. Something more difficult then abandoning pop, perhaps? I think I can think of something.
And I did.
For the next 40 days and 40 nights, I vow to not contact Cleveland. I will not text him. I will not email him. I will not call him, and therefore, I will not leave him a voicemail. Additionally, since we’re living in a Facebook World, I will not write him a message either. Even when I’m drunk and missing him, I will not contact him through any of these formats nor others that were not mentioned. Starting now, for at least the next 40 days and 40 nights, I will stand by my pact and have no contact, whatsoever.
So now it’s official. Now I cannot make any excuses- including when I’m drunk. I have to stick to this Lenten plan. I have to see it through. I have to let him go- once and for all.
As I sit in the bedroom of my childhood and adolescent days, I am nearly haunted by the ghosts of crushes past. Gosh, how many boys did I go to bed thinking about in this room? Well, if we could middle school then it may get a little tricky. So scratch that, and let’s only focus on those guys that really caused my head to spin and heart to pitter-patter since my hormonal adolescent days began.
To be honest, I can only remember a handful of real crushes during those days, and some of those leave me questioning if what I was feeling was real or merely part of exploring the world of boys.
But to be fair, I can say that there were probably two or three boys that captured my young heart and filled my dreams- both during the days and nights. However, as I begin to reminisce, more than anything I realize how my feelings for those boys have vanished.
And then there was the love of my life that consumed my heart during those beloved college days. He was the guy that I thought I’d never get over- whether or not we ended up together. For years I truly believed that I would be haunted by feelings for him and therefore, I’d never be able to love another. But here I am now, having to remind myself of him and the fated love I believed we shared.
And over these last few months, I found myself struggling to let go of the feelings I developed for Cleveland. Once again I thought I was doomed to suffer through lost memories of him. I thought my heart was going to broken (again) into millions of pieces without a glimpse of hope to patch it back together.
But here I sit, remembering all the guys that came before Cleveland and how the pain I endured for them, once upon a time. I recall those restless nights where I wondered if s0-and-so liked me to, and those days at school when I hoped my crush would ask me to Homecoming. Though tonight, what I remember the most is how I got over every single one of them, even if I deemed it impossible. All of those guys, from the one I shared my first kiss to the guy I first fell in love, I can honestly say that I’ve gotten over each one of them.
And now, I think I can almost say that I’ve gotten over Cleveland too. Okay, I’ll admit, there have been some moments of daydreams here and there; however, what’s surprised me is how little I’ve been thinking of him. I’m sure it helps that he won’t talk to me, or return any of the few texts I’ve sent in the last couple of weeks. Though, whatever the case may be, I’m left sitting here wondering what I ever felt for him in the first place. Was he another crush? A guy who showed a broken-down girl some attention? Or was it more? Or perhaps, was it ever anything at all?
Even though he’s made it quite clear that we won’t be seeing each other anytime soon, I cannot help but be curious what it would be like if I saw him again. Would the feelings of desire come back? Or would I smile at him with an empty heart? Would I remember those good times that we shared? Or would I look at him and only feel the pain that he caused me as he slowly indicated that he couldn’t do this anymore?
Sometimes I wish we had that extra moment to see what would happen. But then again, maybe it’s better off that we don’t.
Song of the Moment: Glass by Ingrid Michaelson
I’m pretty sure I speak for every single girl (and probably boy too) when I say that being single isn’t easy- especially during the holidays. There just something about the falling snow and twinkling lights that elicits PDAs, even without the help of mistletoe. It’s not that us singletons are bitter or jealous, but rather we feel taunted by the overload of kisses on every street corner and engagement announcements on Facebook. Again, we’re not bitter…we’re just human. It’s not easy to smile every time you find out another high school ‘friend’ is engaged or hear a valley girl bragging about what her boyfriend is getting her for Christmas on the bus. To be honest, some days it’s just plain difficult. Okay, most days, especially when you’re also struggling to smile through an already-broken heart.
I’m a little disappointed in myself these days. When did I become a cynical girl who stopped believing in true love? When did I begin gagging at the sign of lovey-dovey cuddle sessions at the bus stop? When did I stop spending time with couples at bars asking them how they met? When did I start being one of those sad girls who really doesn’t believe that she’ll ever find love?
The truth is I don’t know how to start believing again. I’m not really sure that I’m capable of doing so granted the sad & cynical state I’ve found myself in lately. Maybe it’s going to take time? Maybe it’s going to take a miracle? Or maybe it’s never going to happen? After struggling for 7 years to get over a first love who never officially knew my feelings (ck) and falling for a guy that I never had a chance of calling mine (“Cleveland”), I find myself grasping for something. Anything that makes me believe again that love is possible for me.
Okay, this is definitely coming off more rash than meant to be, but I guess my point is this: How are broken hearts supposed to be repaired? How can dead hearts become alive again? What is the secret? Who holds the key? There are so many broken hearts in our world today, some of them belonging to very good friends of mine. How can I fix them? How can I make them whole again? How can I help them believe in love again? How can I help them see that they deserve to be loved, and that one day they will be loved again?
Song of the Moment: Dead Hearts by Stars
My friend, Jenny, and I have been going through our own respective rough patches these last few weeks, so much so that I truly believe that we should book our 1-way ticket to California do we can wash away all of our worries with bottomless glasses of wine. Ah, California. The trip of no worries, no anxieties, and no drama. It was two months ago (today actually) that I was thrilled to escape this frantic city and chaotic life for sunshine and lots of red wine. Eight weeks ago I was feeling refreshed, confident, and high on life. Fifty-six days ago, I had no idea how lost I was going to feel when reality and I returned to Chicago.
Jenny has been ‘my person’ (like Meredith & Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy) since that trip- if not before. Over the last few weeks, we’ve exchanged hundreds of texts, emails, and phone calls; shared dozens of drinks; and tried to give the best to make the other feel better. Unfortunately we’re both still struggling, but at least we both know by now that we’re not alone through these challenging times.
The last two months/ eight weeks/ fifty-six days have been an emotional whirlwind for me. Yes, those days include my “break-up” with “Cleveland” and the 1o-day pact to get over him, but there’s so much that I haven’t mentioned…until now. Where should I start? Hmmm…well, within ten hours of my flight landing in Chicago, I was informed that my organization was “letting me go” because I “no longer have a place there”. Since then I’ve been struggling to find something, focusing on nanny jobs that would fit my school schedule and allow me to apply my child development knowledge. After at least a dozen of interviews, I’m still without a family. On top of that, there are my financial issues. (Sorry, but I don’t feel like going there.) And then there is the inevitable boy trouble. As noted, “Cleveland” still weighs heavy on my mind (and in my heart); but in addition, yesterday I found myself hurt again. After having a platonic rendezvous with “Missouri” last week, he joined the Club of Guys Who Don’t Want Me. (I’m not kidding, or trying to feel sorry for myself. It’s true.) So yeah, even though my situation with him include absolutely no feelings and nothing-but-fun, he left me too.
So while I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I am sad. I’m heartbroken. I feel unwanted beyond belief. I want to run away and start all over again. And most importantly, I don’t want to feel so alone right now…but really that’s all I’m feeling.
But I’ll admit that I whole-heartedly believe that I’m going to feel better soon. After a break from school and work, not to mention a week back home visiting family and friends, I’m going to feel better. I’ll feel better after I leave my job and start fresh with something new- or at least have more time for school work. As “Missouri” keeps saying, “(I) need time to heal.” To be honest, right now I feel like I just need someone to carry me; someone to be there for me. But then again, maybe he’s right. Maybe I need to heal. But you know what? I don’t know if I can or rather, exactly what it is that I need to heal from.
All I want is to feel better. And none of this temporary fix stuff from a boy who gives me attention at the bar and for a few days of texting after. I want to feel like myself again.
Song of the Moment: We Are Young by Fun ft. Janelle Monae & We Are Young performed by Glee Cast
In some ways I’m proud of that chapter. I fought for love. I had poison ivy. You know, I lost, but I really fought.
(Addison, Private Practice.)
I knew I had to get over him so when the cute, movie-inspired idea of getting over a guy in 10 days popped into my mind, I really thought I could make it happen. After all I did that Master Cleanse for 10 days+, so why couldn’t I do this? I mean I’ve always been stubborn-minded enough to know that I would achieve something once I set a goal. Why couldn’t I do this? If I could do that, then this shouldn’t be that hard?
For the last few years I’ve stated my claim that you cannot force feelings. You cannot force yourself to have feelings for someone nor can you for someone to have feelings for you. That being said, these last ten days I was reminded that you also cannot stop yourself from having feelings for someone, nor can you force someone to stop having feelings for you. Instead, it happens over time…and not necessarily ten days. Not to mention most people don’t tend to get over someone until they find someone new.
Now I cannot necessarily say that I met someone new nor are my feelings for “Cleveland” completely dunzo. But I can report that I haven’t thought about him much nor have I contacted him these last three days. In other words, I’m feeling much better than I was at this time last week- which has a lot to do with staying busy and distracted by school work and something else I”m not going to talk about. But I do still miss him, which was confirmed during those 10 days of trying to get over him. I miss him because, even though I tried to fight it for 3 months, the chemistry was there. Sometimes two people just have a connection; and sometimes, despite that connection, two people just cannot be together…which is why I have to continue to get over him.
I’ve received such sage advice from others who have “been in the same place before”, which really has helped me in the getting over “Cleveland” process. They’ve shared that- it’s best to have no contact…delete all of his texts & emails… don’t check his Facebook page… let yourself feel… you can do so much better with someone who can give you what you deserve… he’s not good enough for you… he is being selfish to you… focus on you for now… it’s easier if you don’t see him again…(and so on).
But the best advice I’ve received was from my dear friend, Kate, who painted the picture oh-so clearly in saying, “Affairs like mine and yours are like a drug. It’s like an addiction, you keep going back for more because of the instant gratification (attention, sex, etc) that the guy gives you.” Immediately upon reading that, I realized that Kate was right. My attraction to him- physically, emotionally, and sexually- made me crave him, as though he was my addiction. I was high when he I had him, yet distraught when he was absent. I longed to have him again, even going as far as to making excuses as to why I “needed” him. I never needed him…I just wanted him. He was my drug of choice; everything I thought I needed to feel good. But what I’ve learned through this 10-day process is that I really am okay with out him.
So while I failed to get over “Cleveland” in ten days, I cannot say that I’m a failure. In fact, I have no regrets about the 10-day pact that I made myself and the slip-ups that I had along the way. Do I wish that I could say that I went 10 days without contacting him? Absolutely! Do I wish that I could say “I’m over him”? Of course. But as Addison said, I am proud of the lessons learned in this chapter of my life. And because of what I’ve learned, I know that one day I’ll finally get over “Cleveland”.
Sunday, November 27, 2011: The 10th day of getting over “Cleveland”
Truthfully, I think I said most of what I needed to say in the post written earlier today, though I do need to check in on Day 10 and note that I’m still standing. Actually I’m feeling the best I have in the last few days, even if I am tired and writing a paper. I’ll say more about “Cleveland” tomorrow and where I stand after these last 10 days, but for now I just want to document that I feel okay.