out of breath, i am left hoping someday i’ll breathe again.

Yes, I’m 27 years old and I watch Gossip Girl.  I didn’t at first but now I do, so let’s just get that out of the way.  Judge me if you will but at least I don’t watch Jersey Shore.  (I really don’t.)  Annyyyywaaaysss.  I watched the first episode of the new season this week and found myself sympathizing with Ms. Blair Waldorf when she uttered this line: I’ve been acting like I’m okay, but I’m not. They say it’s a broken heart but I hurt in my whole body. What if I stay like this forever?

Describing heartbreak as “I hurt in my whole body’, so true, Ms. Waldorf.  However, that ‘forever’ you mention here will last no more than another episode or two as you’ll find herself back in Chuck’s arms until the next C+B crisis strikes. 

But what about the rest of us Blairs & Chucks that don’t have writers creating our serendipity reunions atop the Eiffel Tower?  What if we don’t have Shakespeare-esque lines and love song sountracks making it impossible not to say “Yes!”, “I do!”, and “I love you too!”?  What if we’re just normal Joe & Jane from the Midwest that are filled with doubts, confusion, and regret, unable to find the speak the words “I really like you.”?  What if our whole body hurts and we’re just not able to make it stop?  You know for the most part I’m fine.  I mean my life could be A LOT worse and I’m conscious of that.  I really am.  But in hearing this line and thinking about heartbreak & all that other jazz, I realized that my whole body hurts constantly.  Unforuately I cannot curse off the boy that is guilty for causing me this pain nor can I drink a lot of tequila with my girlfriends and feel better in the morning.  Why?  See, I broke my own heart– and I continue to do so again and again.  Therefore, there’s no boy nor amount of tequila that can meant my broken heart & achy body.  I guess I can sum it up in one phrase: Regret is a bitch.

Breathe Again by Sara Bareillis has been on repeat on my playlist and in my head for the past week and includes the lyrics that make up the title of this post.  I listen to it when I’m sad, when I’m tired, when I’m reminscent- which pretty much makes up all of my free time this week.  I’ve even been listening to it just to listen to it.  Why?  Because it reminds me to have hope that someday all of this pain will leave me; faith that this won’t last forever. 

My hope is that you have absolutely no idea what I’m talking about here because I won’t wish this pain on anyone.  But if you do know, then I hope this provides you with a little more comfort- knowing that you’re not the only one– and the believe that one day, you too, will breathe again.



6 thoughts on “out of breath, i am left hoping someday i’ll breathe again.

  1. Darlene, I love you so much! I know you’re right and it sounds so easy. But for me to forgive myself fully & completely- once and for all- I know i need to be forgiven. I need my closure. And then one day, I’ll be ready.

  2. Dear K,
    I found your lovely blog as I was looking for the exact quote I heard on gossip girl, “They say its a broken heart but I hurt in my whole body.” These few words say it all.
    I was so captured by your words in this particular post (every single one expresses the way i feel..) that I kept reading and reading.. i love the way you add songs to your posts. songs that can often better express feelings although you are absolutely lovely with words – much better than me 🙂 – I often just realize how I really feel when I listen to the words of a song that say all the things I want to say.
    Thank you so much for writing this blog.. it feels good to read and know that I’m not the only one who cannot let go of that one person but still has little hope and faith.
    I’m Laura by the way, nearly 21 and living in London at the moment, trying to find my path and my place in the world.
    Lots of love, xx

    1. My dear new friend, Laura, you made my day! I am so happy that you found my blog helpful. While I wish you didn’t have to share this pain, heartbreak, and confusion in the first place, I hope that I’m able to help you in any way I can.

      By the way, my name is Kristen and I’m 27 years old and living in Chicago now. London, huh? So cool!

      Wasn’t that line wonderful? I actually rewound it a few times (thanks DVR) because it touched me so much. Like you said, so much was said in such few words. As for music, it helps so much! That “Breathe Again” song is truly amazing and try her song “Basketcase” too- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=t3Sl-Q2kirA.

      Also try some novels. I recently read “One Day” by David Nicholls and “The Time Traveler’s Wife” is an annual read for me.

      I hope you continue to find comfort in my words, song choices, and experiences. My pain is real but if it can help you and others in their own battles, then it was all worth it.

      One last thing, don’t give up. Never give up. I’m still trying to find my place and I’ll tell you that I was a lot further behind when I was 21 years old than I am now. The beauty is in the journey, Laura, and one day- maybe when you least expect it- you’ll find what you’ve been searching for all along.

  3. Dear Kristen,
    I often wish I wouldn’t feel the way I feel but then I think that all this pain, regret, hope and faith let me become who I am. I rather be someone who feels to much, someone who loves few people but these people with the whole heart, than someone who falls in love as quickly and often as he falls out of it.
    I met someone when I was 16 and haven’t met anyone who made me feel the way he did since then. I know I should move on but I’m sure you know that this is so much easier said than done.
    I cant stop believing and hoping that if he loved me once he could love me again.

    I have read One Day twice. Its a lovely book..
    I love happy endings and do believe in them. The Notebook is one of the most beautiful films ever, and this one scene “It wasnt over, It still isnt over!” gives me goose bumps every single time. I cant stop hoping that this might happen to me one day, too. Am i being silly? I hope I’m not.

    I read your last post. Does that mean you’ll be moving on? I wish I could give you the fairy tale you’re wishing for. I think everyone who truly loves deserves one.

    I recently watched “Going the distance”. Such a wonderful film, it made laugh so hard, sad because it reminded of him yet it gave me so much hope. I’m sure you’d love it, too.

    1. To answer your last question, I hope I can move on. I’m going to try my hardest thing time, but you know how this story tends to go.

      That line from The Notebook- “It wasnt over, It still isnt over!”- pops into my head all the time. I’ve had goosebumps, shed tears, and given a simple smiling (thinking of ‘him’) when hearing it. Simply, I know how you feel. Movies like that one, and I truly think that it’s the most beautiful one, keep us believing that love exists. And it does! But maybe our Noah isn’t the one we want it to be. (I’m trying to convince myself of this too.)

      As for One Day, after reading it- and loving it- I thought that both Emma and Dexter continuing living their lives- taking chances on love. It’s that whole concept of fate & letting go- if it’s meant to be it will come back to you. Like you said, ‘easier said than done’.

      My point: Let’s give it a try. I don’t know your full ‘fairy tale’ story nor do you know mine, but I do know that if we’ve both loved someone this much that we have a lot of love to give. Love yourself enough to know that you can let go. Sure, you’re always going to think about him- as I will with mine- but we’re also holding ourselves back.

      Laura, if you want to talk my email is Kristen.Medica@gmail.com.

      And go back and read some of my older posts. None in particular come to mind right now but this is something that is always seen between the lines as it’s a big part of who I am.

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