Archive for the ‘this song is me’ Tag
It shouldn’t come as a surprise, but there’s been no summer love for this girl. Zilch. Nada. Niente. Besides the green-shirted one night stand a few months ago, I have spent my summer nights in the company of many entertaining guests, sensational girlfriends, and an adorable toddler named Max. Actually, those are the only people in Chicago that I wanted to be with.
Besides spending the summer with friends, this funk (possible Quarterlife Crisis) has gotten the best of my time too. It’s been frustrating trying to figure things out, to say the least, but part of me knows what it’s been all along.
Love- or something like it- has always been fleeting for me. From those crushes and one-week relationships in my teenage years to those drunken college hook-ups, I can probably count on one hand the number of guys I’ve kissed more than once. (Okay, maybe two hands but no more.) My point is that this stuff tends to begin and end all in one breath. Blame it on my fickle heart or theirs, or maybe both. Whatever the case may be, I’ve come quite accustomed to watching guys come-and-go. And because of this, I don’t expect anything of them to stick around for more than a few texts the next day. Which also means that I’ve gotten good at moving on very quickly.
But sometimes life throws someone into your path that can’t be categorized with the rest; someone whose kiss you can’t forget. You swore he was just another fling, but your heart tells you he’s so much more.
And that’s where I’ve been all summer long. Trying to convince myself that it was just a fling even though everything within tells me otherwise. Summer is almost over and, if anything, I feel more off than I have at any point before. I don’t know what all this means, but I cannot help but think that this is somehow going to end like all the others. Maybe it really was just a fling? Or perhaps it was so much more…
Song of the Moment: Long Hot Summer by Keith Urban
I can honestly say that I’ve never been so impressed by a guy in my life. That alone makes it obvious that I’m crushing on someone- oh gosh, I even got weak in the knees before seeing him once. Anyways, he’s pretty fantastic. Better than any fantasy my imaginative mind could concoct. Certainly one of those guys that you can’t let get away. One of those rare finds that you know you’ll never get a second chance with. Despite knowing an array of good guys in my lifespan, I swear I’ve never met anyone like him before.
And while I can say that about him, I’m not sure he’s able to say the same about me. As humble as he’s proven to be, I’m far from his first admirer. I’m one of many in his fan club. I know that I am nothing new. Therefore, I must also admit that I’ve never been so intimidated by a guy either. And that being said, I’ve never been so cautious with my heart either. It’s not that there’s anything to lose… it’s more that there is so much to gain.
With his absence this summer, I find that all I can do is let it go. I always knew it was what I had to do. Always knew it was for the best. However, it hasn’t been as easy as I assumed it would be. Too many times I recall the second part of the infamous line that Alisha reminded me of: … if it comes back, it’s yours.
Even with my doubts, maybe I just can’t ignore the possibility that it will come back? Maybe I’m just not sold on the notion that this is another crazy crush of mine? Yes, I know that it’s a big world out there and many temptations in high heels on those New York City streets; however, an ounce of jealousy hasn’t encompassed my body- at least not yet. And you know why? Because a tiny part of me believes that, to him, that’s nothing new and that I am quite possibly something he’s never seen before. A girl can at least dream, right?
In deciding what to say next, this song came up on my playlist: One and Only by Adele. Somehow it was the first time I’ve heard it despite Adele being a staple in my life these days. While the inspiration isn’t coming to me yet, I can promise you that I’ll be using its lyrics in a future post. Til then, XOXO.
Well kids, the sun has been shining here in Chicago, allowing us to flirt with the notion that winter may F.I.N.A.L.L.Y. be on its way out the door. So after the sad goodbyes to Kristin & Cindy (Kristin’s mom) early this morning, I pulled myself together- as much as possible- and headed downtown to the office. As soon as I saw the green awning, I knew a pit stop at Starbucks was a must. (Note: Anytime you wake up before 5 am, Starbucks is a must- at least once – that day.)
As I stood in line, I knew that my (hot) Soy AmeriMisto just wasn’t going to cut it today. Yes, my friends, I found it necessary to put the hot drink order aside and ordered a (cold) Strawberry Frapp and it was Pure Perfection. Is there anything better than Starbucks when you’re tired & emotionally drained?
I’ve been attempting to write a post on this topic for weeks now and cannot think of a better time to do so than today. Sorry but you’re not getting all of the reasons out of me, but I will share that this new favorite song of mine, Just A Kiss by Lady Antebellum, may have something to do with it. “And I don’t wanna mess this thing up”…let’s just go from here.
In the last two months, I’ve heard two A*MAY*ZING friends of mine, Sarah & Jenny, say, “…I’m sure I’ll find a way to ruin this somehow” in regards to the incredible guys (Tom and Phil, respectively) that have recently entered their lives. Two girls who found wonderful guys worthy of them; and guys that had enough common sense to adore them immediately. Two girls who, in my opinion, have nothing to worry about; however, I completely emphasize with them for the words they spoke.
And now, I’m admitting that I am the third one in our group of friends who has recently spoken this line- at least out loud to myself if no one else. However, unlike Jenny and Sarah, I’m pretty certain that The Jinx entered my life again and I found a way to ruin a potential something with someone pretty great.
As much as I hate to admit it, I’m pretty down about it right now. And what happened is so minor (!) and quite possibly a misinterpretation. However, when you care about someone, everything seems 1000x worse than it actually is. Gotta love those darn feelings!
After hearing my worries out, I find that I’m holding onto Jenny’s encouraging words- even if I don’t wholeheartedly believe them: “I’m sure everything will work itself out – he has to realize how wonderful of a person you are and he’d be an idiot to let you slip through his fingers.”
The truth is…I’m the idiot if I let him slip through mine.
I woke up thinking about him the other morning. “Him” being that boy that I used to wake up every morning thinking about, not to mention fall asleep thinking about and waking in the middle of the night, tossing and turning, trying not to think about him. From what I remember, he appeared in my dream and I believe his girlfriend did too.
I’m happy to report that I was okay. I really was, and still am. I can’t say the same things for all those other mornings (and nights) in the past, but this time I was perfectly okay.
As I shared with you yesterday I’ve been listening to Someone Like You by Adele; in fact I cannot stop listening to this song. (It’s on right now as I’m typing.) This song is not only beautiful, but Adele sings it with such power & soul that I find empowering…especially for anyone that has ever been the victim of love & heartbreak.
So my friend & former roommate, Mike, used to tell me that I listen to ‘sad white people music’, and I won’t even bother wasting time trying to defend myself because Someone Like You would certainly fall into his category. However, as I continue to listen to this song and notice the direct tie to my own experience with the first real love of mine, I’m not feeling any form of sadness. Knowing that I could look him & his girlfriend in the eyes right now and say, “I wish nothing but the best for you” makes all the pain- as excruciating at it was at times- worth it. Why?
Adele found the right words to explain how I view the respective feelings on my early twenties: Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. Who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.
Bittersweet. When we look back on the past and see where we are today, noting the lessons that we’ve learned along the journey, one can only accurately describe it as ‘bittersweet’. So many things in life prove to be bittersweet….but we don’t tend to realize the ‘sweet’ until we can accept and embrace all the ‘bitter’ components that guide us along our way.
Sometimes Most times that takes a lot of time, and confusion too. I’m not ashamed of my mistakes nor the memory full of regrets that once plagued my mind. They happened. They’re all in the past…and I’m no longer there dwelling in those choices and missteps. I’ve accepted each and everyone since instance of my life that I might have once classified as ‘bitter’ because now I know that were Blessings in Disguise. I’ve embraced that each past love & (coincidential) heartbreak was a stepping stone in the grand scheme of this Little Life of Mine. I may have no idea what’s next nor where I’m truly head, but I’m actually okay with that. Maybe not every second of every day, but I’m okay. And even more so, I’m okay if I ended up making more mistakes along my journey; however, I’m determined to live my life without any regrets.
Now I’m no expert on love, but I really did love him. You know why I know this to be truth? Because with every ounce of me, I want him to be happy. His happiness is what matters to me even though I’m not the one that he’s chosen to make him happy. This may sound ridiculous to some of you and truthfully it would have sounded such to me up until a year ago; however, life has taught me so many lessons and can only be understood by truly loving another.
For most (if not all) of my 7-year crush/love/infatuation with that boy, I thought that I was C.R.A.Z.Y. I felt foolish and devastatingly sad, and the photos from a large portion of those days is evidence (to me, especially) that I just wasn’t quite myself. Those days painted me with regrets and heartache but I can see how bittersweet they really were. “Bitter” because of the pain and anguish I felt- literally- and “Sweet” because of the experience and understanding that was gained.
May I add something else here before ending this post? (Thank you.) As I acknowledged, I have loved before. But this love I experienced was filled with a lot of hurt- before the acceptance & appreciation set in. See, this love may (or may not have been) one-sided, and therefore, there’s a lot about love that I fail to understand. For instance, I don’t know if I whole-heartedly believe that Sometimes it Last in Love…at least for me. This is my new ‘bitter’ that is looking for his ‘sweet’. Like all bittersweet recognitions, only time will tell.
Here’s another link for the song, Someone Like You by Adele, though I recommend watching the video to see the soul and power she sings with- which shines through on the video (link above).
Beautiful, eh? Lovin’ this song right now so much, as well as her others too- especially Price Tag. More on this song & message later…promise.
If I run, will you run after me? If I walk, will you wait patiently? If I fall, will you have sympathy? If I run, if I run, will you run after me?
If I Run by The Harters
In the land before blogs there were diaries, or journals as we prefer to call them. If I was a betting person then I’d say that my first journal was written during middle school, as it was the fad of the 90’s girls. Coincidentally, or not, my journaling began as boys entered my life. They quickly became my Muse and my Weakness; my Confidence Booster, yet my Kryptonite. There was so much to say; so much to write. But for some reason, since I opened my first journal at least 14 years ago, I never had luck continually writing entries. In packing up my childhood room in my parents’ house a few years ago, I came across dozens of journals with months of lapses between pages and hundreds of unfilled sheets. On some of those pages I found the remnants of songs. Lyrics. Lines of love. Words of heartbreak. Words. Phrases. Ideas. Songs Unwritten…reminding me how I used to seek comfort in expressing my thoughts & feelings through incomplete songs, as I dreamed of becoming a songwriter. Just one of the many dreams I once had in that bedroom of mine.
Those words, those unfinished songs, told Stories of Boys Past. So many boys; so many stories. Okay, there really haven’t been too many boys but there are definitely a lot of stories to tell. My Stories: Childhood Memories & Teenage Dreams. And while the stories were different, each song had one thing in common. They were all unfinished.
As I wrote that last line I heard Matt’s voice telling me, “You always run away.” Unfortunately he was right at a time and there’s evidence to support his claim; however, before indulging into that, let me first defend myself. I am not a quitter. My will is too strong, perhaps too stubborn, to give up. In fact, I’ve only quit one thing in my life (high school soccer team) and it was something that I analyzed for an entire summer before trusting my gut instict. (Looking back, I still would have quit although part of me wishes I didn’t.)
But… when it comes to the topic of boys, relationships, and whatever else comes in between… I’ve been known to throw in the towel many times and fairly quickly. You can say I have issues, but save your breath because I’ve known that for a while now. That’s besides the point. The fact of the matter is why do I have these issues? Why am I so quick to flee when it comes to crushes and potential relationships? Okay, let’s leave the past in the past for time’s sake. I mean why should I waste my own time rambling on about middle school ‘boyfriends’ that I ‘dated’ for a few weeks? (I was always the dumper; and I’m not bragging about that.) Instead let me explain, or attempt to, how I feel about these unfinished songs of mine.
I’m not sure if I really know what happens (to me), but it happens all the time. Maybe I get anxious…which leads to insecurity… soon doubts about myself….doubts about what I’m feeling… ideas that I’m crazy for thinking that he could possibly ever like me. Soon that feeling takes over and convinces me to let go. Honey, what were you thinking? You never had a chance with him. He’s better off with someone else. I let go; I run away; and one more unfinished song ends without the (right) ending.
But like only one, maybe two, other time(s), something feels different. I haven’t let go yet; I’m still holding on with a semi-tight grip. Something is telling me not to run away this time: Stay. Don’t Give Up. Believe. Be Patient. “He is Good. So Good.” You’re Not Crazy. Believe. Something, whatever it is, makes me feel like this is/could be right. And interesting enough, I’m not the only person who senses it. Elicited by a conversation with my former boss, JD, another co-worker caught me off guard with her inquiry:
Julie: “Are you in love?”
Me: “No.” (Thinking, ‘I don’t think so.’)
Julie: “Are you in like?”
Me: (I couldn’t lie nor could the smile on my face.) “Yes, I like him.”
Between you, whoever it is that reads this blog, and me…I don’t want to run away. Though I worry I will. I worry that I’ll fall back into my bad habits as doubts and insecurity set in- as they’ve always been known to do. But what if the comfort of bad habits lead me to run? Will another unfinished song join the others as I take that first step in the other direction, or will something, someone pull me back…preventing me from running to far…just this one time?
“Come on… give in to me.“