Archive for the ‘boys’ Tag

40 days and 40 nights later…   4 comments

As I vowed in a previous post, http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2012/02/23/40-days-and-40-nights/, my Lenten promise was to give up all contact with the man known as Cleveland.  To be fair, I did break that pact, but only once.  (Sorry, Jesus.)  And in my defense, the communication that I did have was a very short and innocent text that, at the time, I felt was my final “Goodbye.  I finally moved on.”  To tell you the truth, at that time that I confidently sent Cleveland the text, I really was convinced that my feelings were gone.  But tonight, as I sit here with visions of him on my mind, I find myself relapsing after the hiatus.

What is it about him that I just can’t seem to fully let go of?  Was it our chemistry?  His insistent pursuit?  The fact that he took a chance on me when no other guy has really done that?  Or the fact that because I can’t have him, I want him even more?  But then again, am I just stressed out (yes!) from all the running around and mounds of school work that I turn to him (and the memories and chemistry we share) when I find myself needing a destressing time-out?

Even though Lent ended today, I haven’t considered contacting him.  Would I like to?  Of course.  But I know I wouldn’t hear back from him so really what’s the point?  Sure, my fearless side says, “Take a chance.”  However, common sense says, over and over again, “Let it go.”

if i could change one thing about this world, i’d tell all the little girls never to believe a guy when he says he’s going to call. (he won’t, so don’t wait around believing he will.)   2 comments

This really shouldn’t be bothering me.  (But it is.)  This is exactly what I always knew I had to do.  (But maybe I had a little bit of hope that I’d never have to?)  As foolish as I was feeling last week, I’m feeling twice that today.  I’m also disappointed (in him) and perhaps a bit angry.  What is the point in lying to someone?  Why lie to someone who has not only been patient and given you the benefit of every single doubt, but someone who has been completely honest with you too?  Doesn’t sound fair, does it?  But then again I cannot blame him because I should have walked away a while ago.

I shouldn’t have been waiting for him to call yesterday morning, even if he said he would.  I shouldn’t have been laying around- failing to concentrate on my studying- hoping that the phone would ring and we’d finally have time together again.  And when he didn’t, I shouldn’t have been at the point where I was so let down.

I shoudn’t have let myself get to the point where his actions- or better put, lack thereof- would hurt me as much as they have.  I thought I protected myself enough to not let it hurt.  But somewhere between his last visit and my final words, “Good luck with everything.”, I let myself be vulnerable enough to get hurt.  I told him I’d take a chance (on him) and I guess I really did.

I’m not sure if I want to say anything else or if there’s even anything left to say.  In truth, I want him to say some things but his unexplained absence has me doubting that wish will come true.  I can’t wait around anymore.  I’ve done too much of that already.

I just wish someone would have told me, as a young girl, to never believe a guy when he says he’s going to call.  If I could change one thing about this world, I’d tell all the little girls never to believe a guy when he says he’s going to call.  That’s what I would do.  I would say, “He won’t, so don’t wait around believing he will.  Never wait around for a boy to call.” 

the only sober girl in chicago   Leave a comment

One reason why I’ll always love Columbus, Ohio is that they celebrate St. Patrick’s Day ON St. Patrick’s Day.  None of this weekend before bullshit.  It’s March 17th, no matter what day of the week it falls on.  Now I understand that a parade is best to be held on a weekend, but noticing all of the green paraphernalia and drunken stupor on the streets already I can ration that the ‘Irish spirit’ also takes over the  city today.  In fact, as expected based on my experience with the holiday, today’s celebration began early.  On my way to Bootcamp class this morning I witness the drunk trolleys with shades of green running down Clark Street.

Call me a party-pooper if you want to, but I guess the all-day drinking just doesn’t appeal to me anymore.  Well, at least it doesn’t appeal to me in this city.  If I was living in Ohio than I would probably be joining my friends in celebrating St. Patrick’s Day on the actual holiday.  Now I’m not an uber-snob when it comes to drinking, nor do I judge anyone for drinking.  Being an OU alum, I’ve certainly witnessed my share of drunken debauchery and indulged in it myself.  I could tell you a tale or two from my nights on the town in Athens, Columbus or another Ohio city.  Wow.  Most of my favorite memories occurred in O-H-I-O.  I just realized that, which includes two St. Patrick’s Day festivities, both being celebrated on March 17th.

My last St. Patrick’s Day in Columbus was a memorable, with a lot of blurry memories.  I remember working at Children’s Hunger Alliance during the day and listening to voicemails from my friend, Sarah, throughout the day as she began indulging in the festivities at 7 am.  By the time I got home from work, Sarah was waking up from a 2-hour nap at my apartment on Buttles & High St. and getting ready to go out for Round 2.  We started out at our favorite bar, O’Shaughnessy’s, for some Irish grub and my first drinks of the day.  Everyone else was already drunk- for the most part- but Sarah made sure that I caught up.  We hung out with some other OU alums and watched the bagpipers (Sarah’s fetish) before meeting up with some other friends.  That’s when the evening got blurry, but I know I had a good time.  Like always, my nights out in Columbus were the best.  I miss that city and my friends.

The year before that we were able to successful corral the troops to Cleveland for some Saturday, March 17th adventures.  It was the first reunion for this group of friends after college and truly A.MAY.ZING.  Sure we were a bit drunk, but that wasn’t the reason.  This day was memorable because of the people I spent it with. 

Today was my second fake-St. Patrick’s Day (as Dusty calls it) in Chicago.  The drunks were out, and I even got to witness one drunk girl crying.  (It was like OU all over again.  Never did a night go by without some girl in tears.)  While I’ve yet to engage in a (fake) St. Patrick’s Day here in Chicago, I do have a memory from last year.  Gosh, I cannot believe that was a year ago.  Anyways, in traveling back to my apartment around midnight last year from Karrie’s apartment, I survived the drunks on the train to arrive back in my neighborhood.  While waiting at the intersection of Clark & Broadway, I was ‘greeted’ by Green Man. Imagine being sober and seeing a guy dancing around in a head-to-toe green spandex outfit.  What would you do?  Probably what I did.  First, you unfortunately wouldn’t stop looking at him; and two, you wouldn’t stop laughing and grinning.  To my luck he was walking in my direction, so when the crossing walk sign changed, I was forced to look at him green spandexy butt for the next four blocks.  I couldn’t not laugh as he danced around like a happy drunk.  I was walking with his friends as they apologized to me continuously.  All I could think is that I haven’t laughed this hard in a very long time.  They had no idea how much I appreciated this ‘interesting’ moment.  A few blocks from my apartment, Green Man decided to hang back and walk with me.  We exchanged names (His was Ryan.) and he invited me to the party that they were going to, which I regretted saying no to  but drunk me didn’t think it was practical.  If only I was drunk too!  When we got in front of the diner underneath my building, I stopped to go my separate way.  As I said goodbye he told me to wait.  He reached around to take off his mask, unveiling his face.  He was hot.  We smiled at one another…making me think of another moment like this that I shared (once upon a time) with ck.  Another part of me felt like I was in a superhero movie where he risks it all to show his face to the girl.  As I walked away from Ryan, I wished that I would have turned around and went with him to that party, or at least exchanged numbers.  But not thinking about how big of a city Chicago really is, I figured that if it was meant to be then I’d somehow see him again. 

Writing that now sounds so foolish.  I guess for once I just wanted something magical like this to work out for me.  Even though nothing really came from my run-in Green Man, I’m still grateful for the moments of uncontrollable laughter that he provided me.  Thanks, Ryan.  It was nice to have a crush for awhile. ♥ K

getting closure   Leave a comment

Sadly, I woke up still thinking about last night’s episode of The Bachelor.  It still pains me to envision Jake & Vienna together.  Yuck.  

While Jake is not my type at all, I did respect and root him on, and still would if would have chosen Tenley, or ended up with Ali or even Gia.  But even more so today than last night, I see Tenley as the ‘winner’ because of her growth and development during the show.  It’s not easy to start over again, in any situation, and I admire her grace.  I hope she continues to find happiness with herself and eventually in a relationship.

I cannot help but point out how young these girls are.  I guess I just don’t see the point of 26-year old me turning to that show to find love in hopes of getting married by the age of 27.  I guess that’s why I don’t agree with the show, but it’s entertaining to watch.  Can I really give this show up?  The next Bachelor better not be a complete hottie otherwise my will-power is going to be tested to the limits.

I believe I said it last night about Tenley, but I want to say again how important it was for her to say what she was thinking and get her questions answered, all in the name of getting closure. I speak from my own experience when I say how important it is and necessary to completely move on.  I came across this quote, which sums it up perfectly: 

“In love, it is better to know and be disappointed, than to not know and always wonder.”

Trust me, wondering ‘what if’ is the worst thing in the world.  Not even chocolate, shopping sprees nor wine can cure that.  Though, as always, good friends do seem to numb the pain and frustration as much as possible.  ♥ K

bachelor boycott begins   2 comments

I’m watching The Bachelor season finale while writing this posting, and I need to say that I made a pact with my friend Jen that if Jake chooses Vienna then I am never again watching The Bachelor

At this point, Jake has introduced both women to his family.  I admit that Tenley is my favorite in the remaining two, and she certainly did fit well with his family.  If he doesn’t choose her and chooses Vienna, then I really will never watch this again.  If he doesn’t choose either one, then I won’t give up this little guilty pleasure of mine.  But if Vienna is the last one standing, the Sayonara, Bachelor nights.  I’ve spent many wasted hours with you over the years, and I thank you for making me feel better about being single and not a desperate 26-year old ready to marry someone after knowing them for 6 weeks on a TV show…

… now I’m watching Jake’s last date with Vienna.  I just cannot seem to like anything that comes out of Vienna’s mouth.  Watching this I cannot help from thinking what it would be like for them in the non-TV show real world. 

I feel like Vienna is on the wrong reality show.  Like she mean to audition for Rock of Love instead.  I cannot even understand why she was casted on this show.  She’s even uglier every time she talks.

So Jake just dumped Tenley, and I can tell how hurt he is by it.  So why are boys stupid like that?  I kind of hope he regrets it.  I’ll say this though, Tenley certainly got more closure from this than Jake did.  I mean he hardly said anything, which she got to say it all.

Now the bitch is up.  I don’t know if I can watch him with Vienna anymore.  Seriously, is this the same Jake as in The Bachelorette season with Jillian?  Because that guy would not be proposing to a girl like that.  How do you go from Jillian, and even Ali, Tenley, and Gia, to this slut.  Vienna may have been the ugliest girl- inside & out- on that show ever.

Please, please, please bring Ali back and truly make it be “the most dramatic season finale ever”.  Otherwise goodbye my Bachelor watching days.  A promise is a promise.

*The happy couple were on the After the Final Rose….barf.  She already looked like she had more plastic surgery.  What a fake hoe.  Tenley is so cute, but like Ali once said, ‘If Jake likes Vienna, then I’m not for him.”  I think the same is for Tenley and Gia too.  If that’s his type and ‘the one’ then those girls will find a much better caliber guy. 

And just announced, Ali is the new Bachelorette.  At least I can still watch that show.  I think I like her so much because she reminds me of what I would be on the show- sensible, realistic, personable, etc.  I would never do The Bachelor, but in the real world I have to say that I’m a pretty good candidate to be a bachelorette- minus my lack of drama….well THAT kind of drama.  Sorry, I wouldn’t be hooking up with any producers, showing off my fake boobs nor ‘playing the game’ as Vienna did.  It’s like she studied past seasons of The Bachelor, or studied Jake to say everything he needed her to say.  This deserves a SERIOUSLY? 

I don’t know if I cannot not watch the next Bachelor.  This is such a great feel-good show for me.  Maybe I’ll have to actually cave in and start watching Jersey Shore….ummmNO!  ♥ K

pigtail braids   2 comments

I think it’s fair to say that girls wear pigtail braids a few things are probably going on:

  1. She woke up late and didn’t have time to fix her hair.
  2. She’s having a bad hair day.
  3. She recently got a haircut that she’s not too happy about.
  4. She saw some girl with her hair worn that way the day before and just felt like wearing it that way herself.
  5. It’s just a ‘Pigtail Braids’ kind of day.

 

Now I commonly wear my hair like this around my apartment or when I just get out of the shower and run to the store.  And I remember sitting on the basketball bus to away games many, many times and having my hair braided.  Why was this so common back then?

So why am I wearing pigtail braids today?  Mainly because 1) I don’t care; 2) It was snowing so my hair was going to be messy anyways; 3) After the dream I had last night, it’s just a “Pigtail Braid’ kind of day.

My dream was the perfect mash-up of everything from my past… my family, high school friends, high school basketball, old crushes/boyfriends, college friends.  And all thrown together for what appeared to be a wedding:  my wedding.  Which was either to my middle school boyfriend, rh, or my college love, ck.  I think somewhere in the middle it changed from rh to ck.  This actually happens a lot, as ck will just appear out of nowhere.  And this means what exactly?  I think I know but would love to understand it better.

You know for awhile I wondered why I had so many dreams about high school and people from the past, but now I’m beginning to realize that these repressed memories are floating back.  Let me tell you that it makes that morning Starbucks that much better as I think WTF was that all about during my commute to work. 

 

 

Posted February 24, 2010 by K in chicago, dreams, revisting the past

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when it comes to love, do we really have a choice?   Leave a comment

I finally made it through The Time Traveler’s Wife this afternoon, taking a few brains to unclogged my foggy, thought-induced brain.  Again, I have to say that the novel is so much better, and watching this for the second time clarifies my belief more so.  I’m just glad that Rachel McAdams was casted as Claire.  Eric Bana looks like Henry, but I’m not sure that he captures his character as well as I envisioned him to be.  Once again though, I obvious have high expectations when it comes ot this story so my bias isn’t fair.

Two things stood out in my mind when watching the movie this afternoon (instead of studying):

1. I am Claire Abshire.  There’s a scene on their wedding night when Henry disappears and Claire is lying on the bed holding his wedding band in her hand.  That’s when I had this thought about being Claire, although I’ve always felt this way since reading the novel for the first time back in July ’06.

2.  There’s this line that really hits me every time I think about it.  Hearing it today impacted me hard and I know I had to take a break after watching the movie.  Henry & Claire have been fighting after two miscarriages, and Henry reappears after he traveled to visit Claire in the meadow when she was eighteen. 

Henry says something about Claire having made the choice to be with him, and Claire responds back, “I never had a choice.”

When it comes to true love, do we have a choice?  If there’s such a thing as fate, do we still have the free will to choose?  And if we make the wrong choice, will fate give us another chance until we ulitimately make the ‘right choice’? 

I could say so much more on the topic right now, but I’m sure that day will come eventually.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you when it does.