Archive for the ‘my life stories’ Category
Let’s play a little game. I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind.
Now some of you may say words such as “apple”, “wine”, or “shoes”.
Others may say “roses”, “hearts” or “lipsticks”.
Me, and Taylor Swift, we would say “Love”.
Love is Red. Red is Love.
Love comes in many shades of red. Red is the light and dark shades of love.
Love is butterflies in the stomach and going weak in the knees.
Love is kissing in the rain and dancing under streetlights to the sounds of the city.
Love is looking into his eyes and forgetting that anyone else is in the room.
Love is lying in bed all day and cuddling under the covers.
Love is drinking in dark empty bars on a Tuesday night, just the two of you and the bartender.
Love is telling your mom that you “met someone”
Love is uneasiness when he hasn’t texted you back, and excitement and relief when he calls.
Love is break-ups and broken hearts.
Love is asking your brother or best guy friend for advice.
Love is pints of ice cream, bottles of wine, and your best friend.
Love is loss, and missing, and trying to forget.
Love is remembering the good and feeling the pain that time never seems to take away.
Love is jealousy, confusion, and frustration.
Love is happiness and sadness, sometimes even at the same time.
Love is smiling and laughing again.
Love is running into him when you least expect it.
Love is thinking you moved on, only to stumble back down.
Love is feeling lost, but knowing that you will find yourself eventually.
Love is beginnings, middles, and ends.
Love is yesterday, today, and tomorrow.
Love is patience. Love is impatience.
Love is learning to love another through the good times and the bad.
Love is “I do”, “I will”, and “I promise you”. Love is sometimes “I don’t know how I’m feeling”.
Love is never black or white. Love is shades of gray.
Love is red, but sometimes it can be blue.
Love is taking chances and making mistakes.
Love is doubts, fears, regrets, and uncertainties.
Love is “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”. Love is “I forgive myself”.
Love is learning to love again.
Love is trusting another. Love is trusting yourself.
Love is the best thing that will ever happen, though sometimes it may feel like the worst.
Love is always worth the risk.
Love is fearless.
Love is never giving up.
Red- Taylor Swift
A few weeks ago, my dad asked me, “Do you still have your blog?” I answered with a strong “yes”, but then found myself explaining (aka making excuses) that while I have a blog, it’s not necessarily something that I would classify it as an active blog. And for those of you who have read my blog before, you will certainly agree with me.
Thirteen months ago, my life changed when I met my boyfriend, who I have referred to as Cubby, in my favorite country bar on good ole fashioned Sunday Funday here in Chicago. Thirteen months ago was also about halfway through my two-year graduate school program and near the time that my internship applications were due. In addition, it was also around the time that I made the decision to renew my one-bedroom apartment lease for another year, and rationing that it would be the last time since a year later I was planning to apply for positions across the country following my graduation.
But that was then, and this is now. Now I am sitting here surrounded by boxes anxiously waiting for the next three sleeps to pass so I can move into my new apartment with “my keeper” of a boyfriend. Now I am also in possession of a Master’s Degree and the completion of a competitive internship.
Thirteen months ago, I made the decision to go outside my comfort zone and allowed the boy from the bar to take me out on a date. About twelve months ago, I allowed myself to call that boy my boyfriend. And about seven months ago, I allowed myself to my vulnerable with that boy by letting him move into my bachelorette pad of an apartment… and into my life in every way.
The past thirteen months since Cubby came into my life have been a beautiful blur of love and happiness, as well as the stress and challenges that school and relationships bring. But more than anything, these past thirteen months have helped me find the confidence within myself that I had been searching to rediscover for many years now.
What I’ve learned more than anything is how much one can grow when you allow yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. As far as my story goes, by allowing myself to fall in love with Cubby and allowing him to love me, I’ve learned to love myself.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been telling myself to Just blog it out. That used to always make you feel better. But the truth is, I’ve stared at this screen many nights trying to do just that and absolutely nothing comes out. There’s no image of motivation, or song lyric for inspiration. No title to begin, and no Answer to Life to end on. So instead I’ve tossed and turned nearly every night trying to figure out what’s going on with me. Where is my head at? What’s causing my sleepless nights? Why can’t I just seem to shake the old Something’s Wrong funk off?
This image of a cartoon Dorothy and the whole Wizard of Oz theme really seem to be the only things that seem to hit the spot with how I’m feeling right now. To put it best, for the past few hours I’ve been finding myself thinking, Where I am?, What am I doing here?, and How did I get here?.
Between you and me, I haven’t felt this lost & confused in a while… which is evident from the lack of blog posts from yours truly. While life has been busy this past year, especially with grad school, internship, and boyfriend, it really hasn’t been that bad. But now, with the end of internship and grad school drawing near, not to mention the lease on the apartment that I’ve lived since moving to Chicago over four years ago, I’m really starting to wonder What’s Next?
As exciting as it is, I’m starting to feel the pressures of my old frenemy, The Unknown.
In my strong moments, I have all the confidence in the world in knowing that after proving to myself that I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. I dream about the possibilities of living in a warmer climate and falling in love with a new city and new job. But when I’m hindered by anxiety and uncertainty, the questions begin swirling around in my head. What about your relationship? What about all your friends and networks here? How can you afford to move somewhere else? Can you really move further away from your family? What if no one will hire you?
There’s just a lot of questions right now, and unfortunately I’m not very close to any answers. But despite all that, I’m far from giving up. If anything, this is really that Time before something Amazing happens and then you find yourself wondering why you were worried in the first place.
I’m waiting for my Something Amazing to happen. I’m ready for all the pieces to come together and I can finally understand what all these blog days (and, essentially, the big move to Chicago) were all about.
More than anything, I’m ready to put aside the books and student loans and find my passion again. It’s visited in bits and pieces over the past two years, but I’m really missing it. I need it back again.
No, it was perfect because finally, here he was. The guy who wouldn’t let me get away with anything. I always thought of that as the moment you can into focus. Like, “Oh, there you were.”
Life has been busy for me. Between internship and grad school, there’s been homework and babysitting. But despite the stress and weariness, these past eight months I’ve been lucky enough to have a partner by my side. Yes, Cubby and I are still together, and we actually just hit the eight month mark. Crazy, right? To be honest, it’s pretty amazing…but more on that later.
For the past three years, I’ve been using this blog to contemplate life as a single girl and attempt to figure out what that thing called L.O.V.E. was all about. I’ve written about the boys I’ve met and the adventures that I’ve had. I’ve opened up about my struggles with anxiety and depression and shared some of the most difficult and challenging moments of my life.
But now, I’m writing to tell you that I am very happy and very in love with Cubby.
Yes, this blogger of yours is completely in love with Cubby and honestly, I can’t remember life before his name. (Cue John Mayer song, City Love.) We are in a very good place and everything seems to be getting better and better. Knock on wood. To tell you the truth, it took me a while to fully realize that I was in love with him- mostly because it’s something I’m not used to.
He is A*MAY*ZING. He really is. But above all of his wonderful traits, he is great for me. And from what he tells me, I’m great for him too. We are good together, and we are very happy.
These last eight months have been very challenging for us, as individuals who are both trying to launch their professional careers and overcome the stresses of living life in the big city. But I honestly cannot imagine how I would have gotten through these last few eight months without him. He’s been by my side (literally) during my breakdowns and through a multitude of papers and assignments that sucked the life out of me. He’s been my rock. One of my best friends.
Above all, he has loved me, and allowed me to love him.
When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you. But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you. I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart? Come on! That’s not normal!
This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me.
Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it. So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy. In fact, it’s been pretty difficult.
As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner. When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago. Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.
Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make. In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when. I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back. I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so. Sorry.
While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight. After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough. But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have. In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris, I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be so happy.”
We all deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away. But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy. We really do. And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.
The Story- Brandi Carlile
I used to call myself a dreamer. There really was no better way to describe who I was. I used to spend my days reminiscing about past memories- and all those regrets in my childhood- and daydreaming about what the future held for me.
I haven’t done much dreaming lately. In fact, for the past year- maybe year and a half- I really haven’t dreamed at all. Incidentally, I also haven’t done much blogging either. I thought that I was just tired, or perhaps going through blogger’s block. But since yesterday, I can’t ignore the facts anymore: I’ve been struggling with depression.
Earlier this year I came out about my depression (and wrote a post about it), but to be honest, I never really stepped up and dealt with it… which is why I’m still not dreaming yet.
But I’m stepping up now. Thanks to my wonderful boyfriend and a few supportive friends, I was able to say, “I can’t do this anymore.” I really can’t. I’m not going to sit here and share all of my struggles, because even though I’ve vowed to be very honest on this little old blog of mine, some things really are meant just for me and those closest to me.
Although, that being said, I have a reason behind this acknowlegement: Please don’t hide from your problems like I have. If you’re suffering from depression, please take my lead and find the strength within yourself (I promise it’s there.) to notify a doctor or psychiatrist, or even an understanding friend or family member. Trust me, I know it isn’t easy, but you are certainly worth it.
One more thing: So I haven’t really been much of a blogger for the past year, so this may not really come as a surprise. But with everything going on (grad school, internship, studying, trying to have a social life) in addition to my struggle, I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here. Initially I was going to announce an official leave of absence, but I’m just not sure if that will be the case or not. So if this is the last post I write for a while- maybe a few months- then don’t be surprised. But then again, I may be compiling a post in a few days. Who knows.
But whatever the case may be, until the next time I feel the need to blog, take care of yourself.
Every now and then, I’m reminded of a post I wrote about a year and a half ago. It’s a post that many have thanked me for writing because it comforted them to know that someone else had experienced the same loss, pain, and heartbreak as they have. The post is called, Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. who would have known how bittersweet this would taste.(http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2011/03/30/regrets-and-mistakes-theyre-memories-made-who-would-have-known-how-bittersweet-this-would-taste/), and I can tell you know that it’s nothing more than a memory from the past.
But I’m not here to write about the past… nor the pain one endures from a broken heart. Instead I am here to provide evidence that one can overcome heartbreak and learn to love again. Just like Jennifer Aniston, I, myself, am proof that love can find the wounded.
Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to how one finds love again- nor does (my friend) Jen. But, I’ll speak for both of us and say that the only way to find love again is to take chances and never give up hope.
I’ve been with Cubby for 4 months, and while our relationship has its ups-and-downs, I will admit that he has made me believe again. Yes, the guy I met on a random Sunday Funday has stolen my heart and helped me see that love is possible (again).
So if I can do it… despite all of the bad luck, heartbreak, and frustration… SO CAN YOU!!!