Archive for the ‘anxiety & depression’ Tag

all of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who i am.   3 comments

When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you.  But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you.  I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart?  Come on!  That’s not normal! 

This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me. 

Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life.  It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it.  So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy.  In fact, it’s been pretty difficult. 

As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner.  When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago.  Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.  

Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make.  In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when.  I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back.  I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so.  Sorry.

While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight.  After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough.  But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have.  In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris,  I just want you to be happy.  You deserve to be so happy.” 

We all deserve to be happy.  Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away.  But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy.  We really do.  And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.

The Story- Brandi Carlile

all those times we looked up at the sky, looking out so far. we felt like we could fly…   3 comments

I used to call myself a dreamer.  There really was no better way to describe who I was.  I used to spend my days reminiscing about past memories- and all those regrets in my childhood- and daydreaming about what the future held for me.   

I haven’t done much dreaming lately.  In fact, for the past year- maybe year and a half- I really haven’t dreamed at all.  Incidentally, I also haven’t done much blogging either.  I thought that I was just tired, or perhaps going through blogger’s block.  But since yesterday, I can’t ignore the facts anymore: I’ve been struggling with depression. 

Earlier this year I came out about my depression (and wrote a post about it), but to be honest, I never really stepped up and dealt with it… which is why I’m still not dreaming yet.

But I’m stepping up now.  Thanks to my wonderful boyfriend and a few supportive friends, I was able to say, “I can’t do this anymore.”  I really can’t.  I’m not going to sit here and share all of my struggles, because even though I’ve vowed to be very honest on this little old blog of mine, some things really are meant just for me and those closest to me. 

Although, that being said, I have a reason behind this acknowlegement: Please don’t hide from your problems like I have.  If you’re suffering from depression, please take my lead and find the strength within yourself (I promise it’s there.) to notify a doctor or psychiatrist, or even an understanding friend or family member.  Trust me, I know it isn’t easy, but you are certainly worth it. 

One more thing: So I haven’t really been much of a blogger for the past year, so this may not really come as a surprise.  But with everything going on (grad school, internship, studying, trying to have a social life) in addition to my struggle, I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here.  Initially I was going to announce an official leave of absence, but I’m just not sure if that will be the case or not.  So if this is the last post I write for a while- maybe a few months- then don’t be surprised.  But then again, I may be compiling a post in a few days.  Who knows.

But whatever the case may be, until the next time I feel the need to blog, take care of yourself. 

XOXO
K

what would carrie bradshaw do?   3 comments

Okay, Carrie.  I want you to be honest with me.  Don’t sugarcoat anything.  Give it to me straight.  Say it exactly how you see it.  Tell me what’s wrong with me.  Most importantly, tell me what I need to do to change it. 

This is the beginning of a conversation I’ve been having in my head for the past week with the fictional character that I’ve always looked up to.  To me, she always appears as though “knows it all”.  She may not be perfect, but she is fearless when it comes to livin’ and lovin’.  She isn’t afraid to be judged nor worried about getting her heart broken.  In a stylish outfit and killer heels, every day she opens the door to her apartment and says, “Hello, World!  Here I am!”

That’s how I want to be.  I want to be like Carrie Bradshaw.  I want to break out of this funk (depression) and start living again.  I want to strap on a cute outfit and accessorize with a worry-free mind.  I want to tell the world, “I’m back!” with a big happy smile on my face. 

I’m actually feeling better this week, but know that I have a long way to until I’m back on my feet again.  Although I’m confident that spending more time with kids (and much less time staring at a computer screen) will only be in my favor.  But I know that I need to work through some things, instead of always convincing everyone and myself by saying “I’m okay”.

But what’s the secret, Ms. Bradshaw?  How did you get over your bout with depression back in the first movie?  What helped you bounce back to your fabulous self?  Any advice?  Words of wisdom?  What’s the first step that I need to take?  What do I need to change?  Am I on my way, or do I have a long way to go? 

another christmas passed…   Leave a comment

To be honest, it’s all a blur.  I have a hard time believing that tonight has brought the end of another Christmas.  Even though I’m sitting here, staring at the lights on the Christmas tree in my parents’ living room, I have to keep reminding myself that another Christmas has passed.  But the strangest thing is…it never really felt like Christmas to begin with.

Without any children here to make the holiday a little merrier and brighter, it unfortunately felt like another day with family.  It’s not a bad thing, but it just made me realize how much better a holiday can feel when a child is smiling and laughing while running around opening presents and sneaking too many cookies. 

The lack of holiday spirit may not merely be the absence of children.  Instead it may be the absence of me.  While I’ve been feeling more rested since getting home yesterday afternoon, I’m still struggling to get back to my old self again.  But I will say that a Christmas gift today gave me a glimpse that things are going to soon change for the better.

So here I am, trying my best to get through this post and noticing I’m failing miserably.  Every now and then I’ll glance back up at the lights on the tree in hopes that the Christmas magic will seep into my soul.  But while I may feel a bit better, I know I still have a way to go before feeling strong again.  A lot has happened since last Christmas- good and not so good.  But I have faith that next Christmas will be a different story.  The gift that I received today is just one of the reasons why I know this to be true.

it’s like you’re screaming and no one can hear you. you almost feel ashamed. you feel like nothing. like no one will ever understand how much it hurts. you feel hopeless, like nothing can save you.   2 comments

While I’m reluctant to admit this, I will.  I’ve been laying in my bed for the last hour feeling nothing but emptiness.  At some moments, despite trying my hardest, I couldn’t even feel my own body weight under the covers.  It’s instances like that when I know I have to turn to my blog- or a confidante- and acknowledge the struggles I’m having instead of hiding my feelings (or lack thereof) inside in hoping that some sleep will end the struggles.

Things have been rough lately, as I opened up about on my last few posts.  But while the loss of a job, struggles with finances, and the end of a relationship have played a role, I must admit that my biggest challenge has been with depression.  As hard as it is to say, I’ve been depressed for most of the past year; and for the most part, I’ve kept these struggles to myself.

But today I’ve opened up about these difficult times to a few people, one of those being a women in California who is unfortunately suffering from depression too.  As the recipient of a love letter bundle from The World Needs More Love Letters (www.moreloveletters.com), I decided to open up to her and share that I, too, and enduring similar challenges right now.  My reason was not to bring the focus to me, and if anything it was just the opposite.  I wanted her to know that she isn’t alone.  For individuals suffering from depression, it is so important that they know they are not alone- because that is most of what they feel.

Depression is a horrible creature.  Not only have I learned by battling it myself, but I’ve watched many loved ones suffer from it too.  It is something that I wouldn’t wish on my worst enemy, if I had one, and if anything I have dedicated much of my life to helping others overcome depression because it breaks my heart to know that someone could possibly feel this way.  Unfortunately anxiety & depression have played a large role in my life, which is something I used to be ashamed to admit.  But to be honest, it’s a struggle I’ve learned to embrace because it allows me to better understand and help others get through it. 

So while I’m still here working on my own issues every day, I can tell you that I whole-heartedly know that this too shall passI recognize that everything is temporary and therefore, I’ll get through these weak moments.  And although I continue to keep most of my struggles to myself, I have hope knowing that I’m not alone. 

If you’ve never battled depression, I envy you.  Even though it’s brought awareness and experiences to my life, I wish this wasn’t part of my destiny.  But since it is, I can share my story.  And maybe, someone will come across this and find peace in knowing that they aren’t alone.

so if by the time the bar closes and you feel like falling down, i will carry you home tonight.   7 comments

My friend, Jenny, and I have been going through our own respective rough patches these last few weeks, so much so that I truly believe that we should book our 1-way ticket to California do we can wash away all of our worries with bottomless glasses of wine.  Ah, California.  The trip of no worries, no anxieties, and no drama.  It was two months ago (today actually) that I was thrilled to escape this frantic city and chaotic life for sunshine and lots of red wine.  Eight weeks ago I was feeling refreshed, confident, and high on life. Fifty-six days ago, I had no idea how lost I was going to feel when reality and I returned to Chicago.

Jenny has been ‘my person’ (like Meredith & Cristina on Grey’s Anatomy) since that trip- if not before.  Over the last few weeks, we’ve exchanged hundreds of texts, emails, and phone calls; shared dozens of drinks; and tried to give the best to make the other feel better.  Unfortunately we’re both still struggling, but at least we both know by now that we’re not alone through these challenging times.

The last two months/ eight weeks/ fifty-six days have been an emotional whirlwind for me.  Yes, those days include my “break-up” with “Cleveland” and the 1o-day pact to get over him, but there’s so much that I haven’t mentioned…until now.  Where should I start?  Hmmm…well, within ten hours of my flight landing in Chicago, I was informed that my organization was “letting me go” because I “no longer have a place there”.  Since then I’ve been struggling to find something, focusing on nanny jobs that would fit my school schedule and allow me to apply my child development knowledge.  After at least a dozen of interviews, I’m still without a family.  On top of that, there are my financial issues.  (Sorry, but I don’t feel like going there.)  And then there is the inevitable boy trouble.  As noted, “Cleveland” still weighs heavy on my mind (and in my heart); but in addition, yesterday I found myself hurt again.  After having a platonic rendezvous with “Missouri” last week, he joined the Club of Guys Who Don’t Want Me.  (I’m not kidding, or trying to feel sorry for myself.  It’s true.)  So yeah, even though my situation with him include absolutely no feelings and nothing-but-fun, he left me too.

So while I’m not wallowing in self-pity, I am sad.  I’m heartbroken.  I feel unwanted beyond belief.  I want to run away and start all over again.  And most importantly, I don’t want to feel so alone right now…but really that’s all I’m feeling. 

But I’ll admit that I whole-heartedly believe that I’m going to feel better soon.  After a break from school and work, not to mention a week back home visiting family and friends, I’m going to feel better.  I’ll feel better after I leave my job and start fresh with something new- or at least have more time for school work.  As “Missouri” keeps saying, “(I) need time to heal.”  To be honest, right now I feel like I just need someone to carry me; someone to be there for me.  But then again, maybe he’s right.  Maybe I need to heal.  But you know what?  I don’t know if I can or rather, exactly what it is that I need to heal from. 

All I want is to feel better.  And none of this temporary fix stuff from a boy who gives me attention at the bar and for a few days of texting after.  I want to feel like myself again.

 

Song of the Moment: We Are Young by Fun ft. Janelle Monae & We Are Young performed by Glee Cast

all girls, they wanna have fun. that’s all they really want.   2 comments

For the past week this girl found herself really wanting to find comfort in the arms of a boy.  Fortunately for her, she was able to find just that.  While last Wednesday proved to be an emotionally destructive day, it did bring about a new friendship in the form of a guy who needed as much distraction and companionship as she did.  (We’ll call him “Missouri”.)  Just like me, Missouri needed someone to be there for him to help pass the time and let him know that he’s not alone.  So for the last (approximately) ten days, I’ve spent at least six of those nights wrapped up in the arms of Missouri as my eyes closed and my weary mind began to rest for a few hours of sleep- or what may be better called a temporary fix. 

As I sit here on a Saturday night, struggling to motivate myself to work on a 15-page paper, I realize that what this girl really wants is to feel better.  She wants to knock all of her issues out the door, once and for all.  She wants to overcome her struggles with stress, anxiety, (lack of) trust, and depression.  She doesn’t want to hold herself back anymore.  She doesn’t want to rely on the arms of a guy to make her feel better.

I’ve been listening/watching to the performance of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun from Glee all day today.  Not only has it resonated with me, but it’s also made me feel as though it’s being sung directly to me.  It’s as though the singer is telling me, “You haven’t been having much fun lately.  You haven’t been happy.  So you need to stop being in denial, stop suppressing your struggles, and really focus on dealing with your issues instead of allowing them to build up and get worse.” 

I am consciously aware that running into Missouri’s arms is not the best thing to be doing right now.  I know that I should stop relying on such a distraction and focus on working through my issues instead.  Trust me, despite of all the crazy things I’ve been jumping into lately I still know my rights from my wrongs.  I still know what’s best for me.  I still know what I really need.  But truth be told, sometimes I just don’t want to do the right thing.  I don’t necessarily always have the patience nor the strength to do what’s right.  But I think I’ve gotten to the point that I cannot keep running away by saying “I have issues”.  I’m pretty such that this dose of depression has really made me think, What can I do to make this go away once and for all?  How can I work on letting myself be happy instead of relying on temporary fixes, vices, and distractions?  What will it take for this girl to finally be freed from the chains that weigh her down and have fun?