Archive for the ‘my favorite songs’ Tag

living alone, here in this place. i think of you, and i’m not afraid.   3 comments

Closure.  This is ultimately the one thing that people seek following a break-up.  Others may want their favorite sweatshirt back, or perhaps a hot new fling, but most who have ever gotten their heart broken in the history of broken hearts will confirm that closure is the ideal parting gift.

Now I can’t quite say that “Cleveland” and I have just gone through a break-up because, quite frankly, we were never really in a relationship, per say.  However, I am able to admit that this may be the most amount of closure I’ve ever received from the ending of a “relationship”.  It still hasn’t been easy, especially the whole missing him part, but at least there are no unanswered questions or doubts.  I know all that I need to know in order to let go and move on.

Sometimes two people meet for a reason; a reason that may not fully be understood for a while- if ever.  Looking back on the past three months since the night “Cleveland” and I met, there is certainly evidence of serendipity.  To be blunt, I think my presence allowed him to finally address some things in his life- things that he may have continued to repressed if our meeting never took place. 

His entry into my life made a difference too.  For one, he showed me that someone is willing to take a chance on me.  And he not only told me that I was beautiful, but he made me feel it. 

These last few days I’ve thought about him more than I’d like to admit.  But I haven’t cried, nor will I.  Instead, I think of him and smile.  Yes, I miss him.  And he says he misses me.  But I also know that while we may have been meant to enter one another’s lives, the plan never indicated that we would stay.  When we said our goodbyes, I knew we meant them.  I knew we had to. 

Song of the Moment: Over You by Miranda Lambert

late at night i toss and turn and dream of what i need. i need a hero. i’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light.   13 comments

I’m just going to say it.  I’m going to tell to tell you how it is.  How it’s always been.  Like rapid spitfire, here are the facts of my life.  My love life- or lack thereof.  Like a game of 21 questions, I’ll give my answers- without any questions being asked.  Okay, here it goes:

I had my first “boyfriend” within weeks of beginning 6th grade; and my second a few weeks later.  (Yeah, I had a lot of “boyfriends” during my middle school years.)  My first kiss was in 7th grade after a school dance.  (I can still- vaguely- remember it.)  My first pseudo-real boyfriend was as a freshman in high school.  (He was a junior at another high school.)  I had my first dose of heartbreak during my senior year of high school, and may have broken my first heart then too.  (Different guys.)  A few years later, as a college sophomore, I experienced a few firsts: First one-night stand (there were a few of those); first other stuff (no sex though); and first real bout of love…followed  by my first broken heart. 

While still mending my broken heart, I indulged in my first friends-with-benefits relationship in the summer following college graduation, which led to my ‘first’ a day after my twenty-third birthday.  I’ve been with four others since then.  (Note: I was neither in a relationship nor in love with any of them.)  And if you must know, the verdict is still out as to whether or not I’ve been in love a second time.  I like to think of it more along the lines of a high school more-than-a-crush.

So that’s my story.  It’s far from a poetic but better than that, it’s the truth.  But while this timeline shares many details, it leaves out so much.  It doesn’t include all of those boys that (may have) liked me but never once told me so.  It doesn’t share how many boys I kissed or made-out with that never called the next day.  And more importantly, it fails to mention all those nights when I curled up in bed wishing that tomorrow would be different; that tomorrow someone who walk into my life and make everything better- or at least have someone to stand by my side.

I’ve been having a fairly emotional week.  I’ve blamed it on being tired and stressed from large amount of school work I’ve had.  However, the truth is, my heart got a bit broken again this week; and as a result, I found myself feeling needy for a guy’s attention.  But the real thing I learned from this week is how much I still struggle with my own issues when it comes to boys and the potential of relationships & love.  While aknowledging that I’ve come a long way, my flaws really shined through this week- at least in my eyes.

I need a hero.  I need someone to rescue me from my own doubts and reservations; someone who can make me believe again.  Someone who can break down my walls and call me out on my issues.  I need someone who sees that I’ve had a rocky time with this stuff in the past and therefore, knows exactly what he can do and say to help me understand that he’s there for me.  I need that hero from my dreams to be more than a figment in my mind.  Instead I want to roll over in the morning and see him next to me.  Wishful thinking?  Yeah, probably.

The truth is I thought I found that hero- once upon a time.  I saw so much in him and really thought he could be the one I’ve always dreamed to find.  I thought he had potential to be a first for me; but instead, it turns out to be another statistic.  It’s okay.  Just disappointing, especially when I really had high hopes for that one.

I should probably end this post differently, but think this is how it’s going to be.  However, I will say that I haven’t fully given up on finding that hero eventually.  Simply I’m just struggling right now to make sense on how something can feel so right, yet be so wrong.  If you want more, listen to the song posted below and it can given an idea of the mood I’m finding myself in.

*The title of this post are lyrics from the beautiful song, Holding Out for a Hero by Ella Mae Bowen.

 

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i’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. i make mistakes, i am out of control and at times hard to handle.   3 comments

I told him I was trouble.  (I’m really not.)  I said it to him- more than once- because I felt like I had to.  Between the words he said and the way he looked at me, I knew I had to give him every reason to walk away.  More for his sake than mine.  Actually, if we’re being honest here, I never wanted him to walk away but I knew he had to.  And if he wouldn’t, I knew I’d have to do it for him.

We joked that it was complicated, but never truly laughed about the situation we found ourselves in.  It is what it is.  Unfair?  Certainly.  One of life’s great tragedies?  I don’t know if I’d go that far.  But in essence, it definitely sucked to know that it never stood a chance.  I couldn’t let it.  I couldn’t let him lose everything for me.  I always knew that if he wouldn’t walk away, then I’d do it for him.

“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.”  Marilyn Monroe said this about herself and I used her theory as my own- (in hopes) to make it easier for us both.  I (tried to) ignored his sweet words of affection- which he called me out on- because I didn’t know how I could keep my defenses up if I believed them.  And now here I am, missing them.  But if I have to miss them to protect him, then missing them is what I’ll make myself do.

I’m a little bit hurt right now.  Somewhat confused.  But if this is how I need to feel for him to be okay, then I’ll do it for him.  I just wish it wasn’t so complicated.  I wish I could have returned his affectionate words with my own.  I wish I could have dropped my guard completely.  I wanted to, but there was just too much for him to lose.  And if he doesn’t come back, though I wish he would, I hope that he understands and realizes how unselfish I really am.

Song of the Moment: Words I Couldn’t Say performed by Leighton Meester

when you don’t know what to believe in, just believe.   1 comment

For three seconds, you believe.  When you see the word “gorgeous” in his text or hear him speak the word “beautiful” over the line, there’s a three-second delay before the skepticism sets in.  For those three seconds, you are worry-free.  There are no doubts; no fears.  Whatever happened prior to those words entertaining your mindset is gone.  For three blissful seconds, you believe you really are the gorgeous, beautiful girl that he said you are.

Those of you in blog world and in my circle of friends (now) know that I’ve been having a difficult time lately.  Prior to these last two weeks, I was struggling to get my writing juices flowing and spark some life back into me.  As my head spun with anxiety, I felt anything but beautiful.  On the inside I was struggling to believe that I was ‘me’, and on the outside I couldn’t fathom anyone seeing me as beautiful.  But someone did.

Truth be told, I don’t know what to believe right now.  For the last few days I’ve had my share of weak moments and solid epiphanies.  Even though I stand strong in my belief of what is right-regarding the situation on my mind- I’m finding that those beautiful’s and gorgeous’s can really get a girl in trouble.  Especially when she really wants to believe it’s true.

Song of the Moment: Just Might (Make Me Believe) by Sugarland

sometimes moving on with the rest of your life starts with goodbye.   Leave a comment

With no intentions to write about last night’s dream, I’m now finding it impossible not to since it’s been on my mind All. Day. Long.  Yes, one of those that really stings the heart and cannot be forgotten with a little coffee therapy.  In fact, if I remember correctly, I woke up startled last night after experiencing a kiss and goodbye that felt so real.  (Gosh, I’m getting chills just thinking about them.)

Other than pure shock over this unexpected dream, I’m fine.  However, since I haven’t been able to shake it I’ve decided that it’s in my best interest to do what always helps in situations like this: Write It Out and Channel Carrie Bradshaw.  What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do?  Fortunately, Carrie Bradshaw has been in a similar situation before and so I find myself remembering one of those moments to help me move past these rumblings going around in my mind today as a result of last night’s dream.

On my way to work today, with the dream still clear as day in my mind, I recalled the moment in Sex and the City 2 when Carrie sees Aidan in Abu Dhabi.  It’s the moment when the past re-enters your life and Time Stands Still.  You think no thoughts.  You feel no pain.  All you can do is stare straight into his eyes as he stares into yours.  I know this situation so well.  I lived this moment dozens of times during my college years.  Over and over again.  I could write a book about those moment… and one day I may.

I haven’t seen my Aidan Shaw for five years now, but I can tell you that I still remember those moments and name each emotion that visited me (when feelings returned, that is) as a result of those lovely little run-ins- usually unexpected and therefore, unprepared for.  As I said, I haven’t seen him in a long time nor have I given him much of a thought lately.  But as he’s been known to do, last night he did appear in my dream.

I didn’t expect to see him last night.  I haven’t dreamt about him in a while; and I must stress again that I really haven’t thought about him either.  But there’s a reason last night’s dream is still stinging with me today.  (And there’s a reason why I just may have looked for him on Facebook too.)  In a dream that perfectly combined the past and the present, it all ended with a kiss and a simple, “Goodbye.”  Even though I woke up startled immediately after that, I understand the message loud and clear.  I thought I’ve moved on, but that was the moment I actually did.  It was the “Goodbye” that was never spoken.  It was the “Goodbye” we always needed to say.

Most of you don’t know our story, but I will tell you that this guy was never my boyfriend.  And I never told him how I felt about him.  I also never kissed him goodbye the last time I saw him over 5 years ago; and to be honest, I never even said “Goodbye”.  Actually, I wouldn’t let myself watch him walk away that night because I knew I couldn’t let that be my last memory of him.  I never wouldn’t have gotten over him if that was my last memory.  I would have always regretted letting him walk away.

Even despite last night’s dream, I’m okay.  And even though it’s been on my mind all day, I’m fine.  I truly believe that there’s a reason I dreamt about him last night: A good reason.  In my opinion, based on my own experiences, I think the past revisits us to show us how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown.  Past loves sneak up on us so that they can catch us moving on, letting go, and learning to love again.  They appear to reconfirm to us that we’ve accepted them as part of our past- something we learned from and allowed us to be where we are today.

Maybe I saw him last night so that I could finally have that long anticipated ‘goodbye’ and move on once and for all?

Song of the Moment: Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood

and now and then I get to wonderin’…what would have happen if we never met…   1 comment

Like clockwork, when I haven’t been thinking about him, my first love/heartbreak, Casey, will find a way to pop into my mind.  Last night he crept into my dream, which caused me to give him a few moments of my time this morning as I struggled to wake up.  However, unlike many yesterdays that came before, my heart wasn’t in pain as I thought about the boy that I once believed to be “The One”.  Although I was mistaken for a very, very long time of his role in my life, this morning I found myself at ease acknowledging him as the catalyst that has sent me along this journey.  And what a journey it’s been!

With Casey on my mind for a bit this morning, I soon found myself thinking of a few other guys that have entered my life this past year.  Mostly though, I realized the role that my past (with Casey) has played when it comes to any of these potential suitors.  Truth be told, I find it impossible to imagine what would have happen if we (Casey & me) never met.  And for those of you who don’t know the story, let me say that it’s probably for the best.  There are absolutely no hard feelings, but simply another one of life’s lessons to be learned.

And learn is what I did.  I cannot begin to tell you how much I’ve learned since that time in my life, and in a way I hold him in high regards because of what I’ve been able to learn.  By far my experience with him taught me one great lesson that I carry closely with me: Do the things you’d regret not doing.  There are so many things I didn’t do with Casey; so many words I didn’t say to him.  And although I’ve literally been haunted by my regrets, today I use those as motivation to live a life without those same regrets.

I think it’s safe to say that is where these other guys come in.  After all these years of holding back, I’ve finally reached the point where I’d rather be rejected than scarred (again) with the regret of never knowing what could have been.  I mean is there anything worse than wondering what if?  (Trust me, avoid it at all costs.)  So despite having my heart broken for longer than I’d prefer to admit, I can honestly say that I embrace it all…now.  I truly believe that the guy I once believed to be “The One” was merely one stepping stone on this journey of mine.  And honestly, he was a big stepping stone that I’ll never forget.

*The title of this post is lyrics from Loud Music by Michelle Branch.

i can go out every night of the week, can go home with anybody i meet. but it’s just a temporary high. (cause when I close my eyes i’m somewhere with you.)   2 comments

I toyed with the idea of calling this post Oops…I did it again but decided to go in a different direction.  However, I will elaborate on yesterday’s antics just a bit and explain the whole ‘Oops… I did it again’ and how it contributes to where my napping-all-day mind is right now.  In short, yesterday consisted of a day drinking bar shuffle (crawl) in Chicago’s Wrigleyville with my partners in crime, Sarah, Jenny, and Tom (Jenny’s boyfriend).  Good Friends, Sunshine, and Free Drinks definitely set the mood right for some Stress-Free Fun.  And then there was a cute guy in a green shirt…

Within 30 minutes of being in the first bar on the crawl, he caught my eye and I noticed him looking at me too.  But me being ‘me’ wrote it off thinking that he was drawn to my cute plaid hat and not the girl in it.  Well I’m happy to report that both were true.  After 4-5 hours and seeing him at 2 other bars, the curiosity and encouragement of friends led me to approaching him, in front of his friends, and apparently said, “Can I ask you something? Have you been looking at me?”  Yep, ballsy little me said that, which led to a night in the company of cute boy in the green shirt.

So that was yesterday but what about today?  Well after a night of little sleep I have been in recovery mode of naps and laziness.  I’ve also attempted to write this post various times but obviously didn’t get very far.  To be honest, I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I’m feeling today.  I have absolutely No Regrets about yesterday and if anything, really had a great day with my friends and own antics.  I will say that I still find myself listening to Somewhere With You by Kenny Chesney over and over again.  “But it’s just a temporary high” is the line I keep thinking about.  Last night could very well be another ‘temporary high’ for yours truly.  And while I’ll play it off (to friends and on this blog, at some point), right now I’ll admit that I’ve become quite accustomed to the aftermath of those temporary high situations- usually brought on by boys.

Although I haven’t said much of anything on here about it, some of those dearest to me know that I’ve been struggling (to fight) feelings for someone completely A*MAY*ZING for the last few months.  (Yes, he deserves an A*MAY*ZING and much more.)  What I’ve been feeling for him hasn’t felt like a temporary high, but then again what do I really know?  Not to mention I’ve been wrong about this stuff before. (Cough Casey Cough)  So while I very much enjoyed my time with a cute boy, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that another wasn’t on my mind- yesterday and today. 

But then again, it’s FINALLY summertime in Chicago and as I’ve shared with friends, I really just want to have a carefree few months because once September comes, school starts and my social life doesn’t look too promising.