Archive for the ‘quotes & lyrics’ Tag
Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage, just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it. (Benjamin Mee)
It’s a Saturday night and I am perfectly content sitting on my couch in sweatpants, a ponytail, and leftover make-up from brunch this morning- watching Grey’s Anatomy. Sitting here now, I’m not sure why I even bother with the crazy Chicago bar scene most weekend nights because this is proving to be better than any Too Loud- Too Crowded bar right now. (Someone please remind me that I said this next weekend when I’m responding to text messages about where to go.)
Since I’m in for the night- hopefully, at least- I’ve decided to ease some internal uncertainties and PMS-induced hormones through the powerful remedy of blog therapy. And after coming across the quote above (via Pinterest), which is from the movie, We Bought A Zoo, I think that I need twenty seconds of insane courage tonight. Just a mere twenty seconds to say some things that I’ve been hiding inside of me, frankly because I’ve been too afraid to do so. But here it goes, for the next twenty seconds…
It’s been a rough year. Between the job changes and extra hours of grad classes, grad school assignments, and grad school life stress, I’ve found myself overwhelmed and/or numb at various points. But while that is expected with the territory, I will say that the financial issues (student loan problems, loss of jobs, absence of unemployment payments, bills bills bills) are what has pushed me over the edge. Honestly, I can’t remember too many nights this past year when I wasn’t stressing about (not having) money. But despite these challenges, I’ll admit that I’ve really lost sight of myself this year. In fact, in comparison to this time last year, I’m not sure if I’m really the same (similar) person as I was before grad school began last August. I’m going to leave it at that instead of creating a laundry of “my issues”.
So what’s happened to me? How did I let myself go, and why? And can I (finally) get back to being myself again…or do I have to wait until grad school ends next year? Can’t I just please feel better, once and for all??!!
In some ways I’m proud of that chapter. I fought for love. I had poison ivy. You know, I lost, but I really fought.
(Addison, Private Practice.)
I knew I had to get over him so when the cute, movie-inspired idea of getting over a guy in 10 days popped into my mind, I really thought I could make it happen. After all I did that Master Cleanse for 10 days+, so why couldn’t I do this? I mean I’ve always been stubborn-minded enough to know that I would achieve something once I set a goal. Why couldn’t I do this? If I could do that, then this shouldn’t be that hard?
For the last few years I’ve stated my claim that you cannot force feelings. You cannot force yourself to have feelings for someone nor can you for someone to have feelings for you. That being said, these last ten days I was reminded that you also cannot stop yourself from having feelings for someone, nor can you force someone to stop having feelings for you. Instead, it happens over time…and not necessarily ten days. Not to mention most people don’t tend to get over someone until they find someone new.
Now I cannot necessarily say that I met someone new nor are my feelings for “Cleveland” completely dunzo. But I can report that I haven’t thought about him much nor have I contacted him these last three days. In other words, I’m feeling much better than I was at this time last week- which has a lot to do with staying busy and distracted by school work and something else I”m not going to talk about. But I do still miss him, which was confirmed during those 10 days of trying to get over him. I miss him because, even though I tried to fight it for 3 months, the chemistry was there. Sometimes two people just have a connection; and sometimes, despite that connection, two people just cannot be together…which is why I have to continue to get over him.
I’ve received such sage advice from others who have “been in the same place before”, which really has helped me in the getting over “Cleveland” process. They’ve shared that- it’s best to have no contact…delete all of his texts & emails… don’t check his Facebook page… let yourself feel… you can do so much better with someone who can give you what you deserve… he’s not good enough for you… he is being selfish to you… focus on you for now… it’s easier if you don’t see him again…(and so on).
But the best advice I’ve received was from my dear friend, Kate, who painted the picture oh-so clearly in saying, “Affairs like mine and yours are like a drug. It’s like an addiction, you keep going back for more because of the instant gratification (attention, sex, etc) that the guy gives you.” Immediately upon reading that, I realized that Kate was right. My attraction to him- physically, emotionally, and sexually- made me crave him, as though he was my addiction. I was high when he I had him, yet distraught when he was absent. I longed to have him again, even going as far as to making excuses as to why I “needed” him. I never needed him…I just wanted him. He was my drug of choice; everything I thought I needed to feel good. But what I’ve learned through this 10-day process is that I really am okay with out him.
So while I failed to get over “Cleveland” in ten days, I cannot say that I’m a failure. In fact, I have no regrets about the 10-day pact that I made myself and the slip-ups that I had along the way. Do I wish that I could say that I went 10 days without contacting him? Absolutely! Do I wish that I could say “I’m over him”? Of course. But as Addison said, I am proud of the lessons learned in this chapter of my life. And because of what I’ve learned, I know that one day I’ll finally get over “Cleveland”.
Just when we think we’ve figured things out, the universe throws us a curve ball. So we have to improvise, we find happiness in unexpected places, we find our way back to the things that matter the most. The universe is funny that way, sometimes it just has a way of making sure we wind up exactly where we belong.
Instead of referring to him as “Cleveland”, I should start calling him “Curve Ball”. I’m beginning to think that it’s how I need to see him to make sense of the situation I’ve found myself in these last few weeks. He’s a curve ball that came into my life; one that was not only unexpected but also unpredictable. Perhaps he was one that was meant to be thrown into my life; or maybe it was a fluke occurrence. Whatever the case may be, his arrival threw a loop into my world and forced me to learn a lesson- one that I didn’t foresee myself needing to learn.
I cannot deny the impact that he’s had on me nor the feelings that formed despite the strong fight I instilled upon them. I’ve struggled with this much more than I’d like to admit- mostly because I’m disappointed with myself. From the beginning, as the tears of disappointment and frustration formed in my eyes, I said, “I know I have to walk away. I’ll walk away when I feel strong enough to do so.”
With things calming down these last two weeks, I’ve been alloted some quiet moments (somewhere in between work and school) to think about, well, everything I’ve been getting myself into lately. I’ve had time to reflect and recognize that I’ve been straying away from who I am and what I really want out of my life. I’ve let myself get caught up in the excitement of the newness instead of holding onto what I’ve always stood for. And in a way, I let the idea of him steer me off the course of I’ve always believed in: True Love.
The truth is we don’t always know why certain curve balls (people) come into our life. Maybe he/she was meant to be a stop along your journey, or in some cases perhaps you’re a stop along his/hers. Whatever the case be, whatever situation you may find ourselves in, what matters the most is that you never lose sight of who you are. And in the moments when you do, as we all will, make sure you seek out those quiet moments when you can connect with yourself and get back on track.
Alex: Remind me why it didn’t work out.
Joanna: Geography, and timing.
I always thought the hard part was anxiously waiting for someone fantastic to come into your life. I thought there couldn’t be anything more difficult that holding onto the belief- through the loneliness and hopelessness- that one day someone would make the wait worth it. Someone who would make you forget that you once spent nights questioning if someone was actually out there for you. Someone who would make everything else seem easier because they were by your side. That’s how I saw it. Perhaps that’s what carried me through on those lonely, hopeless nights- the little hope that remained.
I always thought that if two people really cared (loved) one another then there isn’t one single obstacle that could keep them apart. I thought despite appearing tangibly difficult, no challenge stood a chance against two people who wanted nothing more than to be together. All that mattered was he was hers and she was his. Neither time nor distance could change that. Sure being apart isn’t ideal and can be rather straining on any relationship, but together they would get through it. Together they’d get through anything. Maybe that belief is what has carried me through all these years.
Plain and simple, I thought wrong. I now know, firsthand, that meeting a special someone does not guarantee smooth sailing. And, while I wish it wasn’t true, there are certain obstacles that can keep two people together. Distance may or may not be one of them; quite frankly it depends on the two attempting to overcome the challenge of distance. However, things can get extremely complicated when distance mixes with bad timing.
While watching Last Night this weekend, I found myself taken with the relationship between Joanna and Alex. (Alex is pretty irresistible, if you ask me.) They have a magnetic chemistry that makes you think that no obstacle could stand in their way. Nothing except for “geography, and timing“. Alex lives in Paris, while Joanna resides in New York…with her husband. Yep, it’s the traditional story of boy-loves-girl and girl-loves-boy, BUT girl-is-married-to-someone-else. Or as some may call it, The Case of the Unavailable Girl. Refer to it as you will, but no matter what it’s the situation (obstacle) that will keep two people apart.
I’d love to tell you I know nothing about this, and I shouldn’t be able to say that I do.
I’d love to tell you I still believe that two people who care about each can figure out a way to be together.
I’d love to tell myself not to lose hope because one day someone will come along and no obstacle will stand a chance against the two of you.
“What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful.” I heard this line earlier in the week while listening to an online presentation on vulnerability (link here) and had one of those Time Stops moments. With me writing about this now- days later- it’s obvious that this line has been on my mind. What makes you vulnerable, makes you beautiful. Do me a favor and think about this line for a moment or two.
Coincidentally on the day after I discovered this line, my friend, Matt, checked in with me and somehow our conversation led to him telling me, “You’re letting yourself be vulnerable.” To be honest, I think he had a more difficult time admitting my vulnerable side than I did. While he’s known me since my adolescent days, quite honestly I don’t think he’s fully able to see the “me” that I’m proud to say I am (now). I say this and openly stress that the “me” he’s always seen me to be never allowed herself to be vulnerable.
The thing about Matt is that he reminds me how far I’ve come- especially when it comes to the vulnerability I’ve been able to accept as of late. To be honest, I cannot pinpoint the moment when I let vulnerability overcome me. Perhaps that’s because there wasn’t (just) one momemnt. Looking back, especially on my last three years in Chicago, I’m pretty certain that many moments led me this recognition. Instead of one Aha! moment, there were several courageous days of guard dropping that brought this realization to me- the one person that needed to see it the most. In fact, the only person that ever needed to recognize and accept my vulnerability is me.
I used to run away. Matt knew it; I knew it; everyone knew it. I’d run so fast and so far that there was absolutely no way to turn back even when the regret set in. To tell you the truth, the running away before allowing myself a fair chance ended up hurting a lot more than any honest expression of feelings ever could. (Remember I said that, ok?)
I really have allowed myself to be quite vulnerable lately, which could be why I found myself struggling these last few months. (I just thought about that.) In two situations, I’ve been only slightly guarded and therefore, found myself being as honest with my thoughts and feelings. I’ve allowed myself to take some chances and put my vulnerable heart on the line. And as scary as it is, I’ve done this while being conscious that I may very well get hurt. But like I said, through the lessons I’ve learned from, it hurts much more to regret the chances you prohibited yourself from taking. So if the only way to live is to be vulnerable, then consider “Vulnerable” my middle name.
You’re worth that adoration, Annie. You’re worth it. And the fact that you don’t believe it has nothing to do with whether it’s true or not. It is true to me, and that’s all that matters. (Happythankyoumoreplease)
If I told you the story of this past week, you probably wouldn’t believe me. You may cynically respond, “How is that even possible? Is there even enough time to cram all of that into 7 days? When did you sleep?” Well, my answers would be, respectively: I don’t know, but it’s true./ Apparently there is./ Ha, I really didn’t.
Without going into the hour-by-hour details, I can tell you that life thrown a few surprises my way this week. I’ve been tested- mentally, emotionally, and morally- in ways that I never thought I’d let myself experience. With tears in my eyes (at times) I struggled between everything I always characterized myself as and the choices I was making- and not making.
But as I write this post, I cannot help but think about those choices that I did make these last few days. For one, I dropped my guard and let a few people see the me that I tend to hide behind a smile and a put-together front. I mean I let one of my best friends (Libby) hear me bawl my heart out instead of ignoring her call. It wasn’t easy at all, but I knew it was what I had to do. Additionally, even though I’ve fought it and continue to, I’ve allowed someone to expose my vulnerabilities and take a chance on me. Again, it hasn’t been easy, but I’ll say that it’s one of those experiences in life that I’ll never forget and always appreciate.
Originally I was going to write about the power of honesty. How by being honest with yourself, you are able to be honest with others. And then, because of this pattern, you allow others to be honesty. To tell you the truth, it’s the only way to be happy. I’m still undergoing the process of applying this to my life, but I’ll admit that I’ve been honest with a variety of different people (over a few different topics) this week and it took some worries away. All I can say is that I feel much better than I did at points last week- as well as this summer. That’s what matters the most, right? Letting yourself face challenges and take chances so that you can be stronger and more comfortable with yourself in the end.
*The title of this post is lyrics from Has Anybody Ever Told You by Ashley Monroe.