Archive for the ‘channeling carrie bradshaw’ Tag
With no intentions to write about last night’s dream, I’m now finding it impossible not to since it’s been on my mind All. Day. Long. Yes, one of those that really stings the heart and cannot be forgotten with a little coffee therapy. In fact, if I remember correctly, I woke up startled last night after experiencing a kiss and goodbye that felt so real. (Gosh, I’m getting chills just thinking about them.)
Other than pure shock over this unexpected dream, I’m fine. However, since I haven’t been able to shake it I’ve decided that it’s in my best interest to do what always helps in situations like this: Write It Out and Channel Carrie Bradshaw. What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do? Fortunately, Carrie Bradshaw has been in a similar situation before and so I find myself remembering one of those moments to help me move past these rumblings going around in my mind today as a result of last night’s dream.
On my way to work today, with the dream still clear as day in my mind, I recalled the moment in Sex and the City 2 when Carrie sees Aidan in Abu Dhabi. It’s the moment when the past re-enters your life and Time Stands Still. You think no thoughts. You feel no pain. All you can do is stare straight into his eyes as he stares into yours. I know this situation so well. I lived this moment dozens of times during my college years. Over and over again. I could write a book about those moment… and one day I may.
I haven’t seen my Aidan Shaw for five years now, but I can tell you that I still remember those moments and name each emotion that visited me (when feelings returned, that is) as a result of those lovely little run-ins- usually unexpected and therefore, unprepared for. As I said, I haven’t seen him in a long time nor have I given him much of a thought lately. But as he’s been known to do, last night he did appear in my dream.
I didn’t expect to see him last night. I haven’t dreamt about him in a while; and I must stress again that I really haven’t thought about him either. But there’s a reason last night’s dream is still stinging with me today. (And there’s a reason why I just may have looked for him on Facebook too.) In a dream that perfectly combined the past and the present, it all ended with a kiss and a simple, “Goodbye.” Even though I woke up startled immediately after that, I understand the message loud and clear. I thought I’ve moved on, but that was the moment I actually did. It was the “Goodbye” that was never spoken. It was the “Goodbye” we always needed to say.
Most of you don’t know our story, but I will tell you that this guy was never my boyfriend. And I never told him how I felt about him. I also never kissed him goodbye the last time I saw him over 5 years ago; and to be honest, I never even said “Goodbye”. Actually, I wouldn’t let myself watch him walk away that night because I knew I couldn’t let that be my last memory of him. I never wouldn’t have gotten over him if that was my last memory. I would have always regretted letting him walk away.
Even despite last night’s dream, I’m okay. And even though it’s been on my mind all day, I’m fine. I truly believe that there’s a reason I dreamt about him last night: A good reason. In my opinion, based on my own experiences, I think the past revisits us to show us how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown. Past loves sneak up on us so that they can catch us moving on, letting go, and learning to love again. They appear to reconfirm to us that we’ve accepted them as part of our past- something we learned from and allowed us to be where we are today.
Maybe I saw him last night so that I could finally have that long anticipated ‘goodbye’ and move on once and for all?
Song of the Moment: Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood
Does anybody really know when it’s right? And how do you know – are there signs? Fireworks? Is it right when it feels comfortable or is comfortable a sign that there’s no fireworks? Is hesitation a sign that it’s not right, or is it just a sign that you’re not ready? In matters of love how do you know when it’s right?
~ Ms Carrie Bradshaw, Season 4
I could write a book on fate…and for the last six years of my life I swore I would. But that was then and, as they say, this is now. All of the lessons learned and eye-opening experiences between then and now have left me with the desire to (instead) write my little novel about choices. Because if I’ve really learned anything it’s that we decide our own fate based on the choices we make.
In my last post I wrote about seeing The Adjustment Bureau, which has led me to write (and think a lot) about the Concept of Fate (again) these days. During the movie, Matt Damon’s character declares, “All I have are the choices I make…and I choose her.” And choose he most certainly did. Instead of following the plan (destiny), he followed his heart (choice).
So here’s a question for you: When it comes to love, do we really have a choice?
It’s no secret that life tends to catch us off guard every so often; maybe life will even a throw a curveball our way. Once in a while, we find ourselves Enchanted by another. He/She captures our attention…and soon our heart. Whatever we worried about yesterday is now replaced with concerns like “Does he/she like me too?” and “When will I see her/him again?” Life goes on but we’re forever changed. We feel different. We feel alive. There’s just something about being in love (or even having a crush) that makes life so much brighter, bolder, and shinier.
Okay, back to that question: Do we have a choice when it comes to love? And I mean real love, like the love that Carrie Bradshaw speaks of: “I’m looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can’t-live-without-each-other love.” Or are we fated to be victimized by Cupid’s games of arrow shooting? What do you think? Do we have a choice in deciding whom we love?
Doubtful that I can find the right words right now, I’ll just say “Yes!” Again, simply put, we always have the freedom to make our own choices in all aspects of our lives- especially love. However, let me admit that I didn’t always believe this myself and I’m not the only one.
Five little words are overused and (often) misinterpreted by millions of people every single day: Everything Happens For A Reason. You know this phrase because you’ve heard it countless times and said it yourself almost as many. These words are second-nature to you and therefore, you say them without even thinking about what they mean, let alone how they really do apply to the given situation. Some people use them as an excuse to stop trying- mistaking them to mean that things are going to happen authentically, without any effort on our behalf. False! The truth is that Everything Happens For A Reason because we Take Chances and Make Choices that Guide Our Lives Down the Path that we deem “Our Fate”, “Our Destiny.” And most often people automatically think of Love when they hear these five words.
Now I can play devil’s advocate here and say that sometimes it seems like things just happen. Every now and then you meet someone who you ration was the Handwork of Serendipity. But if you really think about then you, too, know that Nothing Great Happens When We’re Standing Still. The Best Things in Your Life Happened Because You Did Something. Sure, it may have seemed like you were in the Right Place at the Right Time. Or perhaps you happened to look up (or down) to catch an unforeseeable sign. However, if you think about the moments leading you to that moment, then you’ll be amazed to learn that you embarked on a journey to get to that place at that time. Where you are standing (or sitting) right now is the result of the all of Choices You Have Made. And for all of your tomorrows, you will find yourself amongst the shadows of yesterday’s choices.
You Always Have a Choice. Always.
Most of the time I have all these thoughts bouncin’ around in my head, but with a brush in my hand the world gets kinda quiet. ~ Allie Hamilton, “The Notebook
(Note: This was written, hand-written, on Sunday night although not posted til Monday morning.)
For the first time in 1…2…3…possibly 4 weeks I am spending the night sleeping in my own bed. The bed in my bedroom; in my apartment; in my city…well in Chicago. Yes, I’m back in Chicago. Back to Reality. Unfortunately. But thankfully I get to spend the night in my own bed. A bed without bed bugs (knock on wood). Wow, bed bugs. What a whirlwind these past few weeks have been. What a whirlwind this year has been!
Now it would probably take me a full year to recall all of the places that I’ve been and the beds, air mattresses, and (Mega) buses that I’ve slept on, but there’s far more important things that I’d prefer to be doing my time. For instance, I’d rather spend the time visiting more people & places. 2011: Another year of guest bedrooms, air mattresses, and Megabusin’ around.
But tonight, this girl will be tucked in under the covers of her newly painted bedroom. Yes, you’ve read that right and yes, I did just get back to town today. I haven’t stopped in days…weeks…actually, all year, so why stop now? (I know I’m a little crazy. Just smile and nod. And laugh at my ‘crazy’ if you must. Sometimes I do.)
After heartfelt (and somewhat difficult) goodbyes with my brother (at home) and my parents (at the airport) and a 90-minute nap on the plane, I arrived back in Chicago after the much-need and appreciated hiatus.
((Re-)Enter Reality- aka Chaos- in the form of Chicago accents & tired travelers’ dismay, bursting my blissful winter break mentality.)
To save my sanity for a little longer, I avoided the typically dismal train ride back home, opting for the company of a cab driver over the complaints of loud cell phone chatters. After an hour of unpacking and straightening up, I put my jacket and gloves back on for a walk to the (fortunately) near by Home Depot.
Why? For paint, silly. Benjamin Moore’s Electric Blue paint, specifically.
Again, why? With the whole bed bugs fiasco behind me and the new year ahead of me, I just thought that it was time for a change.
My inspiration? None other than Ms Carrie Bradshaw and her renovated bedroom in the Sex and the City movie.
I knew that my first day back in Chi-Town was going to be rough, with my mind filled with visions of everything but sugar plums- especially moments with friends & family and feelings of homesickness. And I also worried that I’d find myself running around the city trying to play (unnecessary) catch-up if I didn’t commit to such a project. So keeping myself busy was definitely an incentive behind Room Renovation: Day 1. I have to say 1) it worked; and 2) I love the new color! Now I just have to do my best to make the room (and rest of the apartment) somewhat presentable for Jen & Matt’s arrival next weekend. (Oy vey!)
So yeah, there you have it. I’m back in Chicago after a jammed-packed, refreshing holiday break. I miss my friends & family, but find myself fortunate to have so many wonderful people in my life that I have the opportunity to miss. And I apparently survived another New Year’s Eve (this year in Cleveland) which I plan on indulging details about in upcoming posts. Teaser: My lips definitely remained sealed that night, but I cannot say the same for some of my friends. Still trying to wrap my head around that hook-up…and I’m not the only one. Wow.
So as I conclude my first post from Chicago in 2011, I’ll share that I don’t have a New Year’s Resolution. And while I have goals and aspirations for this year and my future, I honestly have no idea where this year will take me, even if I did have my tarot cards read on NYE. (More details another day, another blog.) And while 2010 has left me with high hopes for 2011 and got the ball rollin’, I know that it’s to me to continue to Make It Happen in 2011. Afterall you can roll the dice and see what comes up, but you still have to make your move.
I may have painted the day away (yesterday), but it’s now a different day and time to get started. First Step: Those Internship & Grad Program Applications.
Song of the Moment: A Little Bit Stronger by Sara Evans
It’s been a long, jam-packed, frazzled (at times) kind of day, but a great day. I’m exhaused, and if you knew where I was today and what I did then I’m sure you’d understand why. However, as I sit here under my covers preparing to drift off to sleep for (hopefully) a 6-hour ‘nap’, I feel the need to say one thing. It’s a line that’s been running through my head for the past 4-5 hours, including during the entire 3.5 hour drive back to Pittsburgh with Stef. A line that was spoken by one Carrie Bradshaw:
“Not only are you great to me, but you’re great to my friends as well.”
Carrie to Aidan (Sex and the City, Season 4)
P.S. He’s definitely an Aidan*. I knew this before but never openly admitted it. But after today…he deserves this recognition.
* How I define being ‘an Aidan’
Heartbreak is a fact of life. It happens to the best of us, and in fact, I think it’s what forms our best possible self. Did I just lose you? What I’m saying is that- in some ironic fashion- all of the crappy, soul-crippling, unexplainable things that happen to us not only develop our character, but they introduce us to a better version of ourselves. Isn’t that what life is all about? Being tested with obstacles to overcome and prove (to yourself) just how strong you are.
I remember being a naive twenty-year old (at OU) and telling my friend, Amanda, “I think I need to have my heart broken.” She tried reassurring me that my concept was foolish but I stuck with my belief, convinced that it was an experience that I needed in my life.
I must have jinxed myself because it was only a few weeks later that the first crack in my poor little heart formed, and the beginning of the shattering that has occurred since. But like I said, I knew it was something that I needed to go through, and boy did I! It’s something that I’ll never forget and, quite possibly, never fully let go of. First love & first heartbreak: Two of life’s haunting lessons.
But heartbreak is not synonymous with “The End” and therefore, we all rise again. It takes longer for some than others, but all of us are capable of overcoming heartbreak. And for some of us, rising again may be one of the biggest struggles of our lives. I say “our lives” because I think I’m one of those “us”.
Since my first (real) heartbreak a few years ago has left me scarred, my love life hasn’t been more than a few crushes, a friends-with-benefits-gone-wrong, 3-4 one-nighters, and a whole lot of nothing- especially since moving here two years ago. As my heart continued to shatter over time, I found myself chaining it up more and more. One day, I decided that it was best to throw away the key…hoping that one day, someone (maybe a particular someone at one time) would find it and unlock the chains to my heart. Without sounding too desperate, that hope hasn’t gotten me too far.
My Facebook status reads “Single” but if there was a “Single and Available” option then I don’t think I’d find myself choosing it. Though my ringless finger may scream“Available!” my heart has not. Why? Well, little heartbroken me has been afraid of getting hurt again, and I’ve been afraid of making someone else deal with my broken self.
Truth be told, I’m tired of being afraid; tired of holding myself back; and tired of not letting a guy get to be “In a Relationship” with me. I don’t want to hide behind a broken heart anymore. I don’t want to tell people “Yes, I’m single.” over and over again. I want to break away from the chains and open my heart again. I want to be fearless, and therefore, not afraid of getting hurt again. I’ve come a long way and I want to go even further.
Channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw, I think that this is my best conclusion: When you’re ready, and I mean really ready, you’ll discover that the chains around your heart were never locked. And that key that you threw away with hopes to be found by Prince Charming, well you had the key all along. I’ve had the key all along. I’m the only one who’s ever had the key. And, more so, I think I’m almost ready.
Song of the Moment: Need You by Travie McCoy
I sent this card to my Pap about two years ago when my Grandma was unexpectantly put in the hospital for a few days. Unfortunately my Pap passed away last summer on July 29th, but seeing this graphic today reminds me of the day I sent this to him. I love this card. I’ve sent it to a few people over the years, and now, I’m kind of sending it to myself by posting it on here. So what color should I paint myself? Anything but blue will do. So yes, my funk continued last night and still into this dreary, rainy day. But as everyone’s Facebook statuses reminded me, it’s Friday or as Darlene appropriately calls it, FRI-YAY!
My friend, Jen, and her husband, Matt, are coming into town for a sleepover tonight, I think it is best to break-up with this funk. I think I finally figured out what’s causing this one, but it may require me to think this through before saying my farewell.
So if you’ve been following my blog for awhile now then you know that I have a bit of relationship/wedding/baby fever with the past few weeks being filled with new babies, bridal showers, and Bachelorette parties. And for all of you new followers, none of these directly pertain to me. I play the roles of ‘aunt’ and always a bridesmaid in these storylines. With it now apparently being May, which was drawn to my attention by the Cinco de Mayo festivities on Wednesday evening, the weddings are beginning to actually happen. Next weekend is Kristin and Jim’s wedding in Columbus immediately followed by Julie and Ken’s wedding in Cleveland the next weekend. (First photo is Kristen & Jim and second is Julie and Ken.)
Both Kristin and Julie are wonderful friends of mine, and lucky for me I have become friends with their fiancees/ future husbands too. I cannot wait to see my girls looking gorgeous and happy in their wedding gowns, but I also cannot wait to see the looks on Jim’s and Ken’s faces when they first see their brides. This makes me think of 27 Dresses. Now I went to include just one the quotes, but chose instead to share both of them. Gotta love the difference between how men and women see things.
Jane (Katherine Heigle): You know how the bride makes her entrance and everybody turns to look at her? That’s when I look at the groom. Cause his face says it all you know? The pure love there.
Kevin (James Marsden): When the bride comes in and she makes her giant grand entrance, I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. Cause even though I think he’s an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery, he always looks really, really happy.
I know, I know… this is from movieland, but in a weird way these (real) moments like this that give me hope and remind me that there are good ones out there.
Okay back to my funk and the inevitable break-up needs to happen sooner than later. After a busy day of running around at work, I knew that my daily workout wasn’t going to happen. After cleaning a bit for my guests, I gave into the temptation and headed to bed with Season 6 of Sex and the City. For some reason I wanted to watch the last few episodes of the series in which Carrie is in Paris with the Russian (ick). I know I’ve seen these episodes before, but I’m assuming that it’s been at least a year because I saw Carrie’s decision to move; her friends’ reaction, support, and dismay; Carrie’s struggle; and Big’s inevitable decision to get her back all so differently. Why? Well as we all know, we tend to interpret things based on our own experiences. Now I may have not moved to Paris with a Russian artist, or any guy in another city for that matter, I know what it’s like to leave your comfort zone to embark on a new city, new adventure. And as Carrie witnessed herself, it’s through these experiences and struggles that we learn what we want/don’t want and sometimes find what we didn’t even know we were looking for. While some many find love or new friends, it all ends up being that we ultimately find ourself.
Over brunch on Sunday, Stef said it perfectly. “Everyone else seems to be having these wonderful things happen to them- new jobs, engagements, weddings, babies- I just wish it was my turn.” My response to Stef was that people think we (she and I) are living this glorious life because we’re in Chicago; however, we are the ones that know the reality of it. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but big city of lights does not always mean instant happiness. In fact, I remember Phill telling me how NYC is one of the lonely places, which is so ironic because of the large amount of people it hosts. Well, after living here for 18 months I can say that Chicago falls into that category as well. Afterall, it’s not the place but the people that make a city so A.MAY.ZING. I mean Athens, OH (home to my alma mater, Ohio University) is the perfect example.
But going back to Stef’s comment/question…I think the same thing and so do a lot of other girls, so you’re definitely not the only one. We could spend many brunches talking about this- and probably will. I mean it’s the inevitable question: Why don’t good things (like love) happen to good people?
So what does all of this have to do with me and my soon-to-be-ex-funk? Well I think it goes back to the relationship/wedding/baby fever I’ve been experiencing and how with the weddings beginning in a week, I find myself with the single girl at the wedding syndrome. Does anyone feel that they fall vicitm wedding/relationship/baby fever during the springtime? I honestly don’t even recall being this bad (which isn’t even really that bad, but for me it is) until engagements, weddings, and babies bit my circle of friends. It’s just be unavoidable for me…and causing me to wonder ‘what if…’ more times than I’d like to admit.
What if I had a boyfriend?
What if I was engaged?
What if it was my wedding everyone was going to?
What if I got pregnant?
The funny thing is that I don’t even know if I want a boyfriend right now, let alone a fiancee, husband, or baby! Seriously. Life really f***s with your mind sometimes, doesn’t it?
So is this enough evidence to support this funk of mine? And I have I given it an adequate amount of attention to let it go? I hope so. But I have a feeling that the bug may be back…I don’t know, let’s say next weekend and the following weekend, and maybe again around June 19th. No matter what, seeing my friends happily marrying the loves of their lives is worth any kind of fever and bug bite .
So in sticking to the whole Carrie Bradshaw in Paris theme that was thrown in here, I say Au Revoir to you, my funk.
PS. As I’ve acknowledged, I find that (my) life is always better with a crush. However, I think it’s best for me to give up on this little crush I currently harbor(ed). With my relationship/wedding/baby fever, and knowing me, I just think it’s better to say Adieu to you too.
Anyways, I think it’s time that I have a crush on no one but myself for awhile.