With no intentions to write about last night’s dream, I’m now finding it impossible not to since it’s been on my mind All. Day. Long. Yes, one of those that really stings the heart and cannot be forgotten with a little coffee therapy. In fact, if I remember correctly, I woke up startled last night after experiencing a kiss and goodbye that felt so real. (Gosh, I’m getting chills just thinking about them.)
Other than pure shock over this unexpected dream, I’m fine. However, since I haven’t been able to shake it I’ve decided that it’s in my best interest to do what always helps in situations like this: Write It Out and Channel Carrie Bradshaw. What Would Carrie Bradshaw Do? Fortunately, Carrie Bradshaw has been in a similar situation before and so I find myself remembering one of those moments to help me move past these rumblings going around in my mind today as a result of last night’s dream.
On my way to work today, with the dream still clear as day in my mind, I recalled the moment in Sex and the City 2 when Carrie sees Aidan in Abu Dhabi. It’s the moment when the past re-enters your life and Time Stands Still. You think no thoughts. You feel no pain. All you can do is stare straight into his eyes as he stares into yours. I know this situation so well. I lived this moment dozens of times during my college years. Over and over again. I could write a book about those moment… and one day I may.
I haven’t seen my Aidan Shaw for five years now, but I can tell you that I still remember those moments and name each emotion that visited me (when feelings returned, that is) as a result of those lovely little run-ins- usually unexpected and therefore, unprepared for. As I said, I haven’t seen him in a long time nor have I given him much of a thought lately. But as he’s been known to do, last night he did appear in my dream.
I didn’t expect to see him last night. I haven’t dreamt about him in a while; and I must stress again that I really haven’t thought about him either. But there’s a reason last night’s dream is still stinging with me today. (And there’s a reason why I just may have looked for him on Facebook too.) In a dream that perfectly combined the past and the present, it all ended with a kiss and a simple, “Goodbye.” Even though I woke up startled immediately after that, I understand the message loud and clear. I thought I’ve moved on, but that was the moment I actually did. It was the “Goodbye” that was never spoken. It was the “Goodbye” we always needed to say.
Most of you don’t know our story, but I will tell you that this guy was never my boyfriend. And I never told him how I felt about him. I also never kissed him goodbye the last time I saw him over 5 years ago; and to be honest, I never even said “Goodbye”. Actually, I wouldn’t let myself watch him walk away that night because I knew I couldn’t let that be my last memory of him. I never wouldn’t have gotten over him if that was my last memory. I would have always regretted letting him walk away.
Even despite last night’s dream, I’m okay. And even though it’s been on my mind all day, I’m fine. I truly believe that there’s a reason I dreamt about him last night: A good reason. In my opinion, based on my own experiences, I think the past revisits us to show us how far we’ve come and how much we’ve grown. Past loves sneak up on us so that they can catch us moving on, letting go, and learning to love again. They appear to reconfirm to us that we’ve accepted them as part of our past- something we learned from and allowed us to be where we are today.
Maybe I saw him last night so that I could finally have that long anticipated ‘goodbye’ and move on once and for all?
Song of the Moment: Starts with Goodbye by Carrie Underwood