Archive for the ‘love’ Category

but loving him was red.   Leave a comment

RedIsLove1Let’s play a little game.  I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind.

Ready…

RED.

Now some of you may say words such as “apple”, “wine”, or “shoes”.

Others may say “roses”, “hearts” or “lipsticks”.

Me, and Taylor Swift, we would say “Love”. 

Love is Red.  Red is Love. 

Love comes in many shades of red.  Red is the light and dark shades of love.

Love is butterflies in the stomach and going weak in the knees.

Love is kissing in the rain and dancing under streetlights to the sounds of the city.

Love is looking into his eyes and forgetting that anyone else is in the room.

Love is lying in bed all day and cuddling under the covers.

Love is drinking in dark empty bars on a Tuesday night, just the two of you and the bartender.

Love is telling your mom that you “met someone”

Love is uneasiness when he hasn’t texted you back, and excitement and relief when he calls.

Love is break-ups and broken hearts.

Love is asking your brother or best guy friend for advice.

Love is pints of ice cream, bottles of wine, and your best friend.

Love is loss, and missing, and trying to forget.

Love is remembering the good and feeling the pain that time never seems to take away.

Love is jealousy, confusion, and frustration.

Love is happiness and sadness, sometimes even at the same time.

Love is smiling and laughing again.

Love is running into him when you least expect it.

Love is thinking you moved on, only to stumble back down.

Love is feeling lost, but knowing that you will find yourself eventually.

Love is beginnings, middles, and ends.

Love is yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Love is patience.  Love is impatience.

Love is learning to love another through the good times and the bad.

Love is “I do”, “I will”, and “I promise you”.  Love is sometimes “I don’t know how I’m feeling”.

Love is never black or white.  Love is shades of gray.

Love is red, but sometimes it can be blue.

Love is taking chances and making mistakes.

Love is doubts, fears, regrets, and uncertainties.

Love is “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”.  Love is “I forgive myself”.

Love is learning to love again.

Love is trusting another. Love is trusting yourself.

Love is the best thing that will ever happen, though sometimes it may feel like the worst.

Love is always worth the risk.

Love is fearless.

Love is never giving up.

 

Red- Taylor Swift

the in-between: that phase between engaged and babies   Leave a comment

love marriage babyMore now than any other time in my life (thus far), I am completely aware of the transitional periods that life throws upon us.  For example, those few months between college graduation and “the real world” presented many challenging moments for me as I tried to figure out those inevitable questions “Who am I?” and “What do I do now?”.

But while those days were rough in their own way, this new phase of life certainly brings up many new ideas and challenges that I’ve really never given too much thought to in the past.

When you’re a single lady, as I was for nearly 28 1/2 years, your ideology is focused on friends, job, bills, and boys.  You spend most of your time texting with your friends and Facebook stalking all of those ex-crushes from your past.  On the weekends, you daydream over glasses of wine what life would be like with a boyfriend.

Then you find yourself with a boyfriend… and before you know it, you’re in love. 

And soon you’re engaged and planning a wedding.

But what no one really tells you is that once the bliss of the engagement wears off, you find yourself stuck in the spotlight of decision-making.  Every phone call is asking about dates, venues, colors, and guest lists.  Every email is about bridal shows, dresses, flowers, and registries.

To be honest, I keep thinking to myself, Can’t we just get married already?  Should we just elope and get it over with?  I bring it up to Cubby every other week just to see how he’s doing.  I mean we are about thirteen and a half months from the BIG DAY and most days I don’t want to wait!  I always tell him, “I would have married you yesterday”.

Okay, enough of the gushy stuff.  I still need to take about babies!!

Babies! Babies! Babies!

All over my Facebook feed, people are announcing their pregnancies.  People from high school, from college, from past jobs… everyone is having babies!  It’s such a beautiful time in life for these people.

With being around kids at least five days a week, and seeing all of these adorable baby pictures, I’ll come forth and admit that I’ve found myself thinking about having babies of my own.  Okay, I’ve done more than thinking about it- I’ve actually started making a list of baby names.  Crazy, right?  What’s crazy is that I’m more worried that someone will take my names before I have these children I’m daydreaming about.  (I admit, I really am crazy.)

But seriously, is this normal?  Am I normal?  Once you’ve set a wedding date, does is the brain programmed to start thinking about babies?

All I know is that the thirties are proving to bring a lot of changes into my life, and I’m actually ready for them.  Although, I think I’ll wait another two years (or more) to have a baby.

 

XOXO
K

the past thirteen months.   1 comment

right outside your comfort zoneA few weeks ago, my dad asked me, “Do you still have your blog?” I answered with a strong “yes”, but then found myself explaining (aka making excuses) that while I have a blog, it’s not necessarily something that I would classify it as an active blog. And for those of you who have read my blog before, you will certainly agree with me.

Thirteen months ago, my life changed when I met my boyfriend, who I have referred to as Cubby, in my favorite country bar on good ole fashioned Sunday Funday here in Chicago. Thirteen months ago was also about halfway through my two-year graduate school program and near the time that my internship applications were due. In addition, it was also around the time that I made the decision to renew my one-bedroom apartment lease for another year, and rationing that it would be the last time since a year later I was planning to apply for positions across the country following my graduation.

But that was then, and this is now. Now I am sitting here surrounded by boxes anxiously waiting for the next three sleeps to pass so I can move into my new apartment with “my keeper” of a boyfriend. Now I am also in possession of a Master’s Degree and the completion of a competitive internship.

Thirteen months ago, I made the decision to go outside my comfort zone and allowed the boy from the bar to take me out on a date. About twelve months ago, I allowed myself to call that boy my boyfriend. And about seven months ago, I allowed myself to my vulnerable with that boy by letting him move into my bachelorette pad of an apartment… and into my life in every way.

The past thirteen months since Cubby came into my life have been a beautiful blur of love and happiness, as well as the stress and challenges that school and relationships bring. But more than anything, these past thirteen months have helped me find the confidence within myself that I had been searching to rediscover for many years now.

What I’ve learned more than anything is how much one can grow when you allow yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. As far as my story goes, by allowing myself to fall in love with Cubby and allowing him to love me, I’ve learned to love myself.

XOXO
K

and i can’t remember life before his name.   4 comments

boyfriend laughsNo, it was perfect because finally, here he was. The guy who wouldn’t let me get away with anything. I always thought of that as the moment you can into focus. Like, “Oh, there you were.”

Life has been busy for me.  Between internship and grad school, there’s been homework and babysitting.  But despite the stress and weariness, these past eight months I’ve been lucky enough to have a partner by my side.  Yes, Cubby and I are still together, and we actually just hit the eight month mark.  Crazy, right?  To be honest, it’s pretty amazing…but more on that later. 

For the past three years, I’ve been using this blog to contemplate life as a single girl and attempt to figure out what that thing called L.O.V.E. was all about.  I’ve written about the boys I’ve met and the adventures that I’ve had.  I’ve opened up about my struggles with anxiety and depression and shared some of the most difficult and challenging moments of my life. 

But now, I’m writing to tell you that I am very happy and very in love with Cubby. 

Yes, this blogger of yours is completely in love with Cubby and honestly, I can’t remember life before his name. (Cue John Mayer song, City Love.)  We are in a very good place and everything seems to be getting better and better.  Knock on wood.  To tell you the truth, it took me a while to fully realize that I was in love with him- mostly because it’s something I’m not used to.

He is A*MAY*ZING.  He really is.  But above all of his wonderful traits, he is great for me.  And from what he tells me, I’m great for him too.  We are good together, and we are very happy. 

These last eight months have been very challenging for us, as individuals who are both trying to launch their professional careers and overcome the stresses of living life in the big city.  But I honestly cannot imagine how I would have gotten through these last few eight months without him.  He’s been by my side (literally) during my breakdowns and through a multitude of papers and assignments that sucked the life out of me.  He’s been my rock.  One of my best friends. 

Above all, he has loved me, and allowed me to love him. 

XOXO
K

if i can love again… and jennifer aniston can love again… so can you…   Leave a comment

Every now and then, I’m reminded of a post I wrote about a year and a half ago.  It’s a post that many have thanked me for writing because it comforted them to know that someone else had experienced the same loss, pain, and heartbreak as they have.  The post is called, Regrets and mistakes, they’re memories made. who would have known how bitterswee​t this would taste.(http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2011/03/30/regrets-and-mistakes-theyre-memories-made-who-would-have-known-how-bittersweet-this-would-taste/), and I can tell you know that it’s nothing more than a memory from the past.

 

But I’m not here to write about the past… nor the pain one endures from a broken heart.  Instead I am here to provide evidence that one can overcome heartbreak and learn to love again.  Just like Jennifer Aniston, I, myself, am proof that love can find the wounded.

 

Unfortunately, I don’t have the answers to how one finds love again- nor does (my friend) Jen.  But, I’ll speak for both of us and say that the only way to find love again is to take chances and never give up hope.

 

I’ve been with Cubby for 4 months, and while our relationship has its ups-and-downs, I will admit that he has made me believe again.  Yes, the guy I met on a random Sunday Funday has stolen my heart and helped me see that love is possible (again).

So if I can do it… despite all of the bad luck, heartbreak, and frustration… SO CAN YOU!!!

 

 

 

i wasn’t looking for this… but now you’re in my way.   1 comment

Kelly Clarkson recently stated that her happy relationship (and wonderful boyfriend) were ruining her creativity (aka her ‘angry girl music’).  Well, in a way I guess I can say the same about me.  Since my relationship with Tony began (approximately) two months ago, I’ve found myself failing to find any reason to sit down and write out a blog post.  Okay, part of that may be a result of not having much time to myself with all of the guests that I’ve been hosting lately, but still, I think it’s safe to say that my A*MAY*ZING boyfriend has something to do with it to.  I mean, honestly, and those that know him will agree, there is nothing bad to say about him and our relationship.  Absolutely nothing.  And if there was, then it would be that I’m not sure if I’m fully deserving of being with such a wonderful guy… but let’s not go there tonight, okay?

So, since I haven’t really written much about him and our relationship on this little ol’ blog of mine, I can start by sharing our story. 

Once upon a time, on a Sunday Funday (or Sunday, April 15, 2012), I found myself engaging in some all-day drinking with a few friends before heading to my favorite Chicago (Sunday country music bar) for dinner and another drink.  (Note: This bar is also where I met Cleveland, as well as another former hookup, so it’s been known for shenanigans.)  Minutes after our arrival, I began conversing with a friend of Cubby’s while Jenny (one of my best friends) soon started talking to Cubby.  (Honestly, I didn’t even remember seeing him.)  Now some, or most, of the details are blurry, but I do remember him insisting on buying me another screwdriver after mine was knocked over, and when he went to scout out the server Jenny saying, “He thinks you’re cute.  Go talk to him.”  So I did…or rather he started talking to me.  Again, it’s kinda blurry, but I will say that at one point he asked for my phone number and assured my cynical self that he was going to call me the next day and take me out the following week/weekend.  (He followed through.) 

Since that night, Cubby has been nothing but incredible.  I’d say perfect, but I don’t want him to start slacking off.  (He wouldn’t anyways, but let’s play it safe here.)  As I sit here and write tonight, I can only hope that I can treat him as well as he treats me. 

But I also cannot help but think about all of the times I’ve written about love and relationships on this blog, feeling both hopeful and hopeless.  Above all, I remember wanting to experience it so badly, even though I wasn’t sure if I would ever truly be someone’s girlfriend.  Despite those uncertainties and the ones I addressed during my last post, I am someone’s girlfriend; and although I’m not the best girlfriend (yet), I’m a very lucky girl to call him mine. 

Looking back on the past two months, I’ll say that I really wasn’t (necessarily) looking to be in a relationship; however, I think this blog is proof that I’ve been looking for a guy like Cubby for a very long time.  While I don’t know what the future holds for us, I will say that I’m so glad that he came into my life when he did.  Like I said, I’m a very lucky girl. 

XOXO

Cubby’s Favorite Song (Seriously): Call Me Maybe by Carly Rae Jepsen

love & anxiety: two things that i know a little and a lot about, respectively.   4 comments

The following post was written for the blog, Peace & Penguins,and tackles the topic of Love & Anxiety- which are two things that I know little and a lot about, respectively.

When Alisha asked me to write a guest blog post on Love & Anxiety for Peace & Penguins, I thought that it would be an easy hour therapy session of rehashing my life stories of insecurity, doubts, and regrets.  But unfortunately, for the past week, I’ve struggled to get anything down on paper.  So here I am, over a week after telling her that she’d have my piece in no time, trying to figure out exactly what I can say about love & anxiety…which are ultimately the two words that have haunted me during my 28-year old life. 

While I’ve questioned how to begin this post, I feel that it is important to start off with the following statement: I’m twenty-eight years old and I’ve never been in a serious relationship.  However, and it’s an incredibly big HOWEVER, I’m actually (finally) on the verge of entering one…but more on that later. 

Today I came across the following lines in the novel, 50 Shades of Grey, which really struck a chord with me.  Here are the lines, and I’ll explain later:

Katherine often teases me that I’m missing the need-a-boyfriend gene, but the truth is I just haven’t met anyone who… well, whom I’m attracted to, even though part of me longs for the fabled trembling knees, heart-in-my-mouth, butterflies-in-my-belly moments.

Sometimes I wonder if there’s something wrong with me.  Perhaps, I’ve spent too long in the company of my literary romantic heroes, and consequently my ideals and expectations are far too high.  But in reality, nobody’s ever made me feel like that.

Anastasia Steele (50 Shades of Grey)

For the majority of my young adult life, I have relied on excuses and sarcasm to answer the question, “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?”  And when stating my boyfriend-free background and getting stuck responding to the inevitable question, “What do you mean you’ve never been in a relationship?  How is that possible?”, I find the anxiety tingles kicking in as I do my best to change the subject.  But here and now, I’ll put those insecurities aside and tell you that Anxiety is the answer to both of those questions.

Unfortunately I’ve been plagued by anxiety for a while now, and it’s held me back from many things over the years.  But above all, it’s prevented me from experiencing the love that I always dreamed of; from finding the love I always deserved.  For years I’ve thought that there was something wrong with me.  I thought I wasn’t good enough to be loved.  I thought I wasn’t pretty enough to attract the attention of a man.  I thought I would always be alone, because frankly being single is all I’ve really ever known. 

Sure, there were those “boyfriends” during my early teen years that typically lasted a few weeks, and then a few guys in my twenties that stayed around for a couple uncommitted hook-ups.  However, for the most part, I’ve been that girl who finds herself attending weddings without a plus-one and heading home after last call alone in a cab while the other girls leave on the arm of their significant others. 

Now, every once in a while, maybe on the night of a full moon or during a road trip back to Ohio, I’d find myself flirting with a seemingly eligible bachelor and hoping that something more than a one-night stand would come out of it.  But unfortunately, my anxiety almost got the best of me as daylight hit and my internal enemy asserted, “Are you crazy?  He’s doesn’t really like you.  He’s going to leave just like all of the other ones.” 

But something changed this past year; something that I really can’t quite explain myself.  In essence, I’ve lived this year under the motto: I don’t care anymore.  See, instead of letting anxiety hold me back, I’ve fought off the doubts and insecurities and strived to live fearlessly.  (Note: A little liquid courage usually helped too.)  I took some chances…including using a few daring moves and brave one-liners every once in a while.  And with each one of those incidences, I noticed my anxiety towards potential love decreasing. 

So that leads me to “The Now”.  As I mentioned in the beginning of this post, I am on the verge of a relationship.  Actually…  I’m in one.  Yes, the girl who thought she’d always be single is in a relationship.  (With a wonderful guy, might I add.)  I’m pretty much living in disbelief, as are my friends and family who have heard my “No, I don’t have a boyfriend.” and “I’ll always be a single” lines, but it really is the truth.  Even though it hasn’t yet been discussed, I am practically someone’s girlfriend… which means that I kinda-sorta have a boyfriend. Me?  Really?  Wow.

To be honest, I’m still processing all of this.  I’m trying to convince myself that this is really, while also trying to understand why it’s taken me so long to let myself be in a relationship.  Why did I let my anxiety hinder my happiness?  Why did I let my insecurities get in the way of being someone’s girlfriend?  Why did I let my fears prohibit some amazing guy from being mine?  While I can ask these questions again and again, I’ll never fully be able to uncover the answers.  But I will remember the anxiety I’ve lived with that held me back from being happy all of those years. 

Unfortunately my anxiety is something that I continue to live with.  It’s something that I think I’ll always live with.  But when it comes to love, I’m learning more and more how important it is for me to combat all of my fears and doubts.  For starters, I don’t want to miss out on a chance with a good guy like the one I have right now.  I’ve held myself back many times before and simply, I don’t want to live with regrets anymore.  Sure it’s scary to let yourself be vulnerable and open your heart up, but the risk is worth it.  And honestly, I’m at the point in my life where I’d rather know that I took a chance than regret not taking one. 

Let me stress that I’m no expert when it comes to love, and in some ways I’m still not convinced that I’ll ever fully understand it.  But between you and me, I’m much more open to learning more about it.  And that being said, I think I’ll have to start with exploring the whole relationship thing, and maybe officially being someone’s girlfriend. 

Sure, it’s not easy and frankly I’m a bit scared, but I’m going to take these chances…starting with this great guy who has seen past my anxieties and boyfriendless past and see what life has in store for me.  And hopefully, one day, I’ll be writing a post about love without a mention of anxiety.  But for the meantime, I’m just going to take it day-by-day and see what this whole relationship thing is all about. 

XOXO

K