Archive for the ‘song of the moment’ Category

but loving him was red.   Leave a comment

RedIsLove1Let’s play a little game.  I’ll say a word and you say the first word that comes to your mind.

Ready…

RED.

Now some of you may say words such as “apple”, “wine”, or “shoes”.

Others may say “roses”, “hearts” or “lipsticks”.

Me, and Taylor Swift, we would say “Love”. 

Love is Red.  Red is Love. 

Love comes in many shades of red.  Red is the light and dark shades of love.

Love is butterflies in the stomach and going weak in the knees.

Love is kissing in the rain and dancing under streetlights to the sounds of the city.

Love is looking into his eyes and forgetting that anyone else is in the room.

Love is lying in bed all day and cuddling under the covers.

Love is drinking in dark empty bars on a Tuesday night, just the two of you and the bartender.

Love is telling your mom that you “met someone”

Love is uneasiness when he hasn’t texted you back, and excitement and relief when he calls.

Love is break-ups and broken hearts.

Love is asking your brother or best guy friend for advice.

Love is pints of ice cream, bottles of wine, and your best friend.

Love is loss, and missing, and trying to forget.

Love is remembering the good and feeling the pain that time never seems to take away.

Love is jealousy, confusion, and frustration.

Love is happiness and sadness, sometimes even at the same time.

Love is smiling and laughing again.

Love is running into him when you least expect it.

Love is thinking you moved on, only to stumble back down.

Love is feeling lost, but knowing that you will find yourself eventually.

Love is beginnings, middles, and ends.

Love is yesterday, today, and tomorrow.

Love is patience.  Love is impatience.

Love is learning to love another through the good times and the bad.

Love is “I do”, “I will”, and “I promise you”.  Love is sometimes “I don’t know how I’m feeling”.

Love is never black or white.  Love is shades of gray.

Love is red, but sometimes it can be blue.

Love is taking chances and making mistakes.

Love is doubts, fears, regrets, and uncertainties.

Love is “I’m sorry” and “I forgive you”.  Love is “I forgive myself”.

Love is learning to love again.

Love is trusting another. Love is trusting yourself.

Love is the best thing that will ever happen, though sometimes it may feel like the worst.

Love is always worth the risk.

Love is fearless.

Love is never giving up.

 

Red- Taylor Swift

all of these lines across my face, tell you the story of who i am.   3 comments

When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you.  But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you.  I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart?  Come on!  That’s not normal! 

This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me. 

Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life.  It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it.  So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy.  In fact, it’s been pretty difficult. 

As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner.  When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago.  Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.  

Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make.  In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when.  I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back.  I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so.  Sorry.

While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight.  After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough.  But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have.  In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris,  I just want you to be happy.  You deserve to be so happy.” 

We all deserve to be happy.  Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away.  But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy.  We really do.  And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.

The Story- Brandi Carlile

and now we meet on a street, and i am blind. i cannot find the heart i gave you. sometimes what we think we really want we don’t. sometimes what we think we love we don’t.   2 comments

As I sit in the bedroom of my childhood and adolescent days, I am nearly haunted by the ghosts of crushes past.  Gosh, how many boys did I go to bed thinking about in this room?  Well, if we could middle school then it may get a little tricky.  So scratch that, and let’s only focus on those guys that really caused my head to spin and heart to pitter-patter since my hormonal adolescent days began. 

To be honest, I can only remember a handful of real crushes during those days, and some of those leave me questioning if what I was feeling was real or merely part of exploring the world of boys.

But to be fair, I can say that there were probably two or three boys that captured my young heart and filled my dreams- both during the days and nights.  However, as I begin to reminisce, more than anything I realize how my feelings for those boys have vanished.

And then there was the love of my life that consumed my heart during those beloved college days.  He was the guy that I thought I’d never get over- whether or not we ended up together.  For years I truly believed that I would be haunted by feelings for him and therefore, I’d never be able to love another.  But here I am now, having to remind myself of him and the fated love I believed we shared.

And over these last few months, I found myself struggling to let go of the feelings I developed for Cleveland.  Once again I thought I was doomed to suffer through lost memories of him.  I thought my heart was going to broken (again) into millions of pieces without a glimpse of hope to patch it back together. 

But here I sit, remembering all the guys that came before Cleveland and how the pain I endured for them, once upon a time.  I recall those restless nights where I wondered if s0-and-so liked me to, and those days at school when I hoped my crush would ask me to Homecoming.  Though tonight, what I remember the most is how I got over every single one of them, even if I deemed it impossible.  All of those guys, from the one I shared my first kiss to the guy I first fell in love, I can honestly say that I’ve gotten over each one of them. 

And now, I think I can almost say that I’ve gotten over Cleveland too.  Okay, I’ll admit, there have been some moments of daydreams here and there; however, what’s surprised me is how little I’ve been thinking of him.  I’m sure it helps that he won’t talk to me, or return any of the few texts I’ve sent in the last couple of weeks.  Though, whatever the case may be, I’m left sitting here wondering what I ever felt for him in the first place.  Was he another crush?  A guy who showed a broken-down girl some attention?  Or was it more?  Or perhaps, was it ever anything at all? 

Even though he’s made it quite clear that we won’t be seeing each other anytime soon, I cannot help but be curious what it would be like if I saw him again.  Would the feelings of desire come back?  Or would I smile at him with an empty heart?  Would I remember those good times that we shared?  Or would I look at him and only feel the pain that he caused me as he slowly indicated that he couldn’t do this anymore? 

Sometimes I wish we had that extra moment to see what would happen.  But then again, maybe it’s better off that we don’t.

Song of the Moment: Glass by Ingrid Michaelson

dead hearts are everywhere. dead hearts are everywhere.   2 comments

I’m pretty sure I speak for every single girl (and probably boy too) when I say that being single isn’t easy- especially during the holidays.  There just something about the falling snow and twinkling lights that elicits PDAs, even without the help of mistletoe.  It’s not that us singletons are bitter or jealous, but rather we feel taunted by the overload of kisses on every street corner and engagement announcements on Facebook.  Again, we’re not bitter…we’re just human.  It’s not easy to smile every time you find out another high school ‘friend’ is engaged or hear a valley girl bragging about what her boyfriend is getting her for Christmas on the bus.  To be honest, some days it’s just plain difficult.  Okay, most days, especially when you’re also struggling to smile through an already-broken heart.

I’m a little disappointed in myself these days.  When did I become a cynical girl who stopped believing in true love?  When did I begin gagging at the sign of lovey-dovey cuddle sessions at the bus stop?  When did I stop spending time with couples at bars asking them how they met?  When did I start being one of those sad girls who really doesn’t believe that she’ll ever find love?

The truth is I don’t know how to start believing again.  I’m not really sure that I’m capable of doing so granted the sad & cynical state I’ve found myself in lately.  Maybe it’s going to take time?  Maybe it’s going to take a miracle?  Or maybe it’s never going to happen? After struggling for 7 years to get over a first love who never officially knew my feelings (ck) and falling for a guy that I never had a chance of calling mine (“Cleveland”), I find myself grasping for something.  Anything that makes me believe again that love is possible for me. 

Okay, this is definitely coming off more rash than meant to be, but I guess my point is this: How are broken hearts supposed to be repaired?  How can dead hearts become alive again?  What is the secret?  Who holds the key?  There are so many broken hearts in our world today, some of them belonging to very good friends of mine.  How can I fix them?  How can I make them whole again?  How can I help them believe in love again?  How can I help them see that they deserve to be loved, and that one day they will be loved again?

Song of the Moment: Dead Hearts by Stars

all girls, they wanna have fun. that’s all they really want.   2 comments

For the past week this girl found herself really wanting to find comfort in the arms of a boy.  Fortunately for her, she was able to find just that.  While last Wednesday proved to be an emotionally destructive day, it did bring about a new friendship in the form of a guy who needed as much distraction and companionship as she did.  (We’ll call him “Missouri”.)  Just like me, Missouri needed someone to be there for him to help pass the time and let him know that he’s not alone.  So for the last (approximately) ten days, I’ve spent at least six of those nights wrapped up in the arms of Missouri as my eyes closed and my weary mind began to rest for a few hours of sleep- or what may be better called a temporary fix. 

As I sit here on a Saturday night, struggling to motivate myself to work on a 15-page paper, I realize that what this girl really wants is to feel better.  She wants to knock all of her issues out the door, once and for all.  She wants to overcome her struggles with stress, anxiety, (lack of) trust, and depression.  She doesn’t want to hold herself back anymore.  She doesn’t want to rely on the arms of a guy to make her feel better.

I’ve been listening/watching to the performance of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun from Glee all day today.  Not only has it resonated with me, but it’s also made me feel as though it’s being sung directly to me.  It’s as though the singer is telling me, “You haven’t been having much fun lately.  You haven’t been happy.  So you need to stop being in denial, stop suppressing your struggles, and really focus on dealing with your issues instead of allowing them to build up and get worse.” 

I am consciously aware that running into Missouri’s arms is not the best thing to be doing right now.  I know that I should stop relying on such a distraction and focus on working through my issues instead.  Trust me, despite of all the crazy things I’ve been jumping into lately I still know my rights from my wrongs.  I still know what’s best for me.  I still know what I really need.  But truth be told, sometimes I just don’t want to do the right thing.  I don’t necessarily always have the patience nor the strength to do what’s right.  But I think I’ve gotten to the point that I cannot keep running away by saying “I have issues”.  I’m pretty such that this dose of depression has really made me think, What can I do to make this go away once and for all?  How can I work on letting myself be happy instead of relying on temporary fixes, vices, and distractions?  What will it take for this girl to finally be freed from the chains that weigh her down and have fun?

living alone, here in this place. i think of you, and i’m not afraid.   3 comments

Closure.  This is ultimately the one thing that people seek following a break-up.  Others may want their favorite sweatshirt back, or perhaps a hot new fling, but most who have ever gotten their heart broken in the history of broken hearts will confirm that closure is the ideal parting gift.

Now I can’t quite say that “Cleveland” and I have just gone through a break-up because, quite frankly, we were never really in a relationship, per say.  However, I am able to admit that this may be the most amount of closure I’ve ever received from the ending of a “relationship”.  It still hasn’t been easy, especially the whole missing him part, but at least there are no unanswered questions or doubts.  I know all that I need to know in order to let go and move on.

Sometimes two people meet for a reason; a reason that may not fully be understood for a while- if ever.  Looking back on the past three months since the night “Cleveland” and I met, there is certainly evidence of serendipity.  To be blunt, I think my presence allowed him to finally address some things in his life- things that he may have continued to repressed if our meeting never took place. 

His entry into my life made a difference too.  For one, he showed me that someone is willing to take a chance on me.  And he not only told me that I was beautiful, but he made me feel it. 

These last few days I’ve thought about him more than I’d like to admit.  But I haven’t cried, nor will I.  Instead, I think of him and smile.  Yes, I miss him.  And he says he misses me.  But I also know that while we may have been meant to enter one another’s lives, the plan never indicated that we would stay.  When we said our goodbyes, I knew we meant them.  I knew we had to. 

Song of the Moment: Over You by Miranda Lambert

just as free…free as we’ll ever be.   Leave a comment

As soon as I felt the sun on my skin and the breeze through my hair, I knew that it was going to be hard to leave this place.  California.  Never in my mind did I think I was going to fall in love with California- let alone fall in love at first sight.  Heck, until this summer I wasn’t sure I’d ever even see California.

Last Friday morning my friend, Jenny, and I fled the craziness that is Chicago for a four-day weekend in sunny California.  After landing and getting our rental car, I found myself taken by the fresh air as we drove to San Francisco with our windows down and sunglasses on.  With the sun shining down on me, I had one of those moments of recognition that there was nowhere else I wanted to be. 

I could call my weekend in Northern California perfect, but instead I’ll reference it as being exactly what I needed.  After a summer of anxiety and a few months of nothing but work-school-sleep-repeat, a weekend of sunshine and freedom was just the ticket.  Add one of my best friends and a countryside of vineyards into the mix, and perfection may actually be the best way to describe it.

It is nearly impossible for me to give justice to the beauty that I experienced during my four days in California.  Between the exquisite landscapes and the relaxing environment, I found peace.  Peace within my surroundings, but most importantly peace within myself.  Sure the wine had something to do with it, as did the companionship with Jenny; however, there was so much more to it that words simply cannot capture.  In essence, I discovered myself.  My true self.  The girl without worries.  The girl who lives fearlessly with no regrets.  The girl who does what she says and says what she means.  The girl who is comfortable being single and doesn’t rely on the affection of a man to complete her.  The girl who believes she is beautiful- inside and out. 

California was truly an awakening experience.  Not only did I uncover things about myself, but I came to recognize how important certain things are to me.  Within ten hours of my arrival back to Chicago, I was forced to adapt to a changing culture and face a somewhat stressful situation.  This last week hasn’t been easy, but fortunately I’ve been able to keep my California sense with me and embrace it all with as much ease as possible.  To be fair, if it wasn’t for my four days in California, I’m not certain that I could have handle such a buzzkill.  But then again, as they say, “Everything happens for a reason.” 

For the first time in a while, I felt free in California.  I felt like nothing mattered expect where I was at the present time.  Sure I knew that things were bound to change when I returned to Chicago, but then again I remained hopeful that my peace of mind would stay intact.  And if not, then at least I had the vivid memories of the sun shining down on me as the wind blew through my hair as I drove through the captivating state of California. 

*The title of this post is lyrics from Free by Zac Brown Band.