Archive for the ‘libby’ Tag

why you gotta look so sad. why’d you pick today. don’t talk yourself out of this. we’re all afraid. they say it comes when you don’t look, so I’ll help you look away. you always try to make me smile. let me do the same.   1 comment

I listened to the song  Until You Won Me Over by Trent Dobbs (which includes lyrics that also serve as the title of this post) over and over again yesterday.  For some reason I found comfort in these words.  They were not only soothing, but they were also a bit encouraging.

It’s no secret on my blog that I haven’t been feeling like myself lately.  While the summer funk- or possible Quarterlife Crisis- has plagued me all summer, this whole messy feeling really started in the last couple of weeks.  Whatever this is I just can’t shake it; and because of that, over time it’s becoming worse.

Yesterday I realized that while I’ve been opening up a bit on my blog and through a few emails, I’ve failed to do so with my friends.  I’ve failed to let them be there for me.  But yesterday I decided to let Libby in. Well, as much as I could.  I let her know that I haven’t been feeling quite like myself lately and we divulged in a few reasons why.  There’s still no real culprit(s) identified, which also means no solution found.  However, one decision has been made: Sadness Begone.  That, and I’m going to let my friends be there for me too.

there were sounds in my head, little voices whispering, that i should go and this should end. oh and i found myself listening.   Leave a comment

I cannot stop listening to Where I Stood (covered by Caroline County).  The song (original by Missy Higgins) was introduced to me by one of my best friends; the same friend that recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years and felt a strong connection to the song based on her situation. 

Now what I cannot figure out is why I have taken such a liking to this song.  I’m not the one who was battling doubts about her relationship; heck, I’m not even in a relationship to have doubts about.  So how is it that I find myself relating to this song?  Why do the lyrics hit home for me?  Why is it that little single me is questioning how the song pertains to her?

Even listening to it just now still has me at a lost for why I find myself so captivated with this song.  Why do I listen to every word so attentively and feel pain as though this is my story being told?

Here’s a thought…maybe I want it to be my story?  Maybe I want a chance to be in a relationship- just this one time?  Maybe I want the chance to fall in love?  Maybe I want the chance for someone to fall madly in love with me?  And maybe, just maybe, I want to be with someone who eliminates any doubts from my mind?  Maybe I want to know who I am when in a relationship?  Maybe I want to know who I can be with someone else by my side?

weekend shenanigans with addie, mitch, lana, jordan & kendall   Leave a comment

One of my favorite things about living in Chicago is that friends are always anxious to stop by and play for a weekend.  This weekend I hosted four of my OU besties: Ashley, Mike, Libby, and Jay (pictured left to right).  Note: They may be referred to as Addie, Mitch, Lana & Jordan- which became their (bar) identities to increase this weekend’s antics. As for me, I may have introduced myself as Kendall a half-dozen times (or more). Yes, ladies and gentlemen. These four, along with some of my other Chicago friends, certainly partook in some shenanigans this weekend.  To put it best, they’ll all be back again (asap) if not moving here after a weekend that can only be described as A*MAY*ZING.

I had a blast with my friends this weekend and certainly sad to see them leave this morning. I’m so glad to be able to provide some good old-fashioned fun and more memories from the ones we’ve created since our college days in Athens.

Song of the Moment: Home by Edward Sharpe and The Magnetic Zeros & Cover by Father and Adorable Daughter

be patient, my dear.   Leave a comment

I told her, “Be patient.”  I told her that if he really is a great guy- great enough to be with her- then the wait would be worth it (for both of them). 

I told her the same words that others have instructed upon me; the same words that I’ve been telling myself for a while now.  I explained to her that I know firsthand that it’s hard to be patient, especially when you find someone great because quite frankly that doesn’t happen too often.

As I write this now, I’m reminding myself too enjoy the moment.  We get so caught up in thinking about what’s next? and what this could be that we forget to appreciate the Beauty of Now.  We forget that even more beautiful than being in love is falling in love.  So be patient and let yourself fall.  Be patient and let him fall in love with you.

when you throw your hands up in the air and say, ‘i don’t care anymore’ that’s when things happen.   2 comments

Everyone has an opinion, and everyone- especially our own mother- feel the need to share their thoughts with you over and over again.  When you’re twenty-seven years old like me, you’ve heard the “If it was me…” and “Remember everything happens for a reason” speeches so many times that you’ve grown accustomed to tuning them out even before those ‘words of wisdom’ are spoken.

The truth is I’ve heard the “Everything happens for a reason” excuse line so many times before that I’ve reached the point where I’m in both agreeance and disagreeance.  See last year, my professor opened my eyes by twisting the words around on this theory.  He said, “We give reason to why everything happens.”  He’s right.  Once you adopt this perspective you are giving yourself the greatest gift of life: The Freedom to Live.  You are disconnecting yourself from the puppet strings and taking control of your life, freeing yourself from any doubts or insecurities that may have been holding you back before this life-changing revelation.  This is YOUR life, so Live It Up!

While sitting outside the dressing room at lululemon a few weeks ago (waiting for Sarah), my social self engaged in a conversation with one of the workers- who happened to be another Chicago-livin’ Ohio girl.  As is common for me these days, we found ourselves talking about how important it is to Let Yourself Live Out Your Seemingly Crazy Dreams.  She, herself, is taking a huge chance and moving to Thailand in a few months, explaining that she needs a change and therefore, decided to follow her passion.  In sharing her thoughts leading up to this decision, she said these words that I currently swear by, “When you throw your hands up in the air and say ‘I don’t care anymore’, that’s when things happen.”

For a few months now I’ve found myself constantly saying (both in my head and out loud), “I don’t care anymore.”  Now anyone that knows me know that I care way too much, mostly about other people- friends and family as well as though individuals that need a helping hand.  So when I say “I don’t care anymore” know that I’m not talking about that stuff.  Instead, what I mean is that I’ve finally gotten to the point in my life where I am going to do whatever I want to do.  Follow my heart.  Go after my dreams.  Take chances.  I, Kristen Medica, am just going to Live My Life- once and for all.  And because of this, I’m not going to let others tell me what’s right and what’s wrong; nor what’s attainable and what’s unattainable.  Sure I’ll listen to (some of) their opinions.  But like anything, one must remember that it always come down to what you want; what you need; and what you decide is best for you

These last few weeks have brought an interesting twist into the lives of some of my favorite girls, Libby and Sarah (who just happen to be second-cousins).  And if we’re being honest here, then I should say that I’ve experienced my own twist too.  Okay, yes, this ‘twist’ may indicate that a boy has entered and/or exited each of our lives but don’t get too excited here because I’m not diving into story time today.  Rather I’m going to tell you what I’ve discuss which both girls, as well as other friends.  Be your unique, beautiful self!  Let him see your crazy (which really isn’t even that crazy).  The best advice anyone can give you is Just Be Yourself.

Song of the Moment: Who Says by Selena Gomez & The Scene

drop everything now…meet me in the pouring rain…kiss me on the sidewalk…take the pain away.   Leave a comment

Standing on the platform in Evanston waiting for the Purple Line last night after work, a chill came over me.  All I wanted was someone to put their arm around me.  Is that asking too much?  I tell you this because after having that thought, I immediately had another thought: That’s not typical for me. 

Sure I would have loved for  that someone to be a cute, single guy that likes me best in grey sweatpants and no makeup, but honestly I would have taken the arm of one of my girlfriends, lovely gay boyfriends, or family members.  Someone’s arm around my shoulder, letting me know that everything is going to be okay.  Or perhaps, just showing me that someone is there beside me.

Friends of mine all over the country- mostly in and/or from Ohio- are struggling and I strongly dislike hate that I cannot be there beside them with my arm around their shoulders.  Wiping their tears.  Showing them that there is still beauty in this world and that our friendship is one example.  Instead I am restricted to using my words through emails, Facebook postings, text messages, phone calls, and greeting cards to comfort them in during these rough and never-ending frustrating days. 

Aren’t the Terrible Twenties glorious?

A message from Julie yesterday broke my heart and actually brought tears to my eyes.  A few weeks ago when I visited her in Akron (for less than 48 hours), I was able to hug her worries away.  But now, once again I am resulted to using my words to warm her sad, lonely, and confused heart.  My heart breaks just thinking about her now.  As depression seeps into her soul, I cannot physically shield her.  I cannot drag her on spontaneous trips to Meijer like we used to do when we both lived in Columbus a few years ago.  I cannot accompany her on a day-long hike through the middle of nowhere Ohio until she finds peace in nature.  I cannot spoil her with a sushi date nor laugh hysterically while watching the ridiculousness that is Where the Wild Things Are.  I just want to put my arm around her and tell her everything is going to be okay. 

Adriana has been struggling lately with a laundry list of issues that I wish would disappear at the snap of my fingers.  She’s only been in my life for over a year now but I honestly cannot remember life before her name.  I laughed with irony when she calls me her “little human xanax/prozac”.  Even though we both know that the other is there for us when she cannot be there, it just isn’t always enough.  Fortunately are written exchanges can compensate during our anxiety-ridden days but there’s nothing better than curling up together in our OU sweatshirt blankets with tea/coffee/hot chocolate sharing a bag of Twizzlers.  Fortunately, we get to do that soon when I venture out to Cinci next week (!), but I’m still wishing that I was there right now…forcing her to soothe her worries with my heavenly Starbucks and companionship.  I’ll be there soon, A.  Very, very soon!

I think of Alisha a lot, especially since her life is paralleling mine from (gasp) 6 years ago.  She’s nearing the end of Fall Quarter at my alma mater, Ohio University, and is beginning to have the never-ending questions surround life after graduation exhausting her weary mind.  Having worn those shoes and overcoming the struggles myself, I am honored to give her encouraging words from the lessons that I learned.  However, it’s not enough for me.  As her “Big Sis”, I want to be there to shield her from the negative thoughts, doubts, worries, and fears.  I want to carry her when she feels too weak and too tired to spend another day questioning what’s next?  I want to sit with her at Alden Library; drink coffee at Donkey; buy her a shot of liquid therapy at Red Brick and Cat’s Eye and The Pigskin.  I want to take her to Libby’s and my secret bench on South Green that helped us work through our own problems and walk her around the back streets of Athens as Brandon and I did when we needed a listening ear.  I want to show her that she will get through these tough times and that I’ll always be there to remind her of so.

And listening to Taylor Swift’s new song, Never Grow Up, I thought of Rebecca and her lovely little Hazel.  These lyrics led me to sending the song to Rebecca, indicating that I smiled think of their mother-daughter relationship, as well as the impact Hazel has on me: 

 I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart; And no one will desert you; Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

Rebecca responded with such gratitude, stating that this song put things into perspective again as she’s been run-down as the Terrible Twos continue to hit their household.  I am so happy that I am actually, physically able to be there for them next week!  Though as I feel with all of my friends, I want to be there for them all the time.  Through words I constantly tell Rebecca how much I admire her and how she inspires me to (maybe) become a mother one day.  But I want to show her through a hug, a smile, a girl’s day of pampering how much her family has impacted my life.  I want to be there beside her to take away her stress and remind her to enjoy all the little joys that Hazel and George bring her life and all of ours.

Going back and thinking about yesterday when I was waiting for the train, maybe I didn’t necessarily want someone to put there arm around me.  Perhaps I wanted to put my arm around someone else.  Isn’t that more likely for me?  Afterall I’ve been thinking about all of the people- more than just the ones mentioned above- that need my support these days.  Maybe I just wanted one of them to be beside me, to put my arm around them?  I don’t know.  Remembering that moment, I definitely wanted an arm around me.  Perhaps I’m finally ready to let someone be there for me?

Dating back to my teenage years, I’ve struggled to find people who I could trust and really open up to.  All of these friends that I praise in my blog posts- the four above being included- have really helped me breathe again.  They’ve showed me that not only can some people be trusted, but that I need to be able to confide in others to be by my mind; to let them put their arm around me.  One day, hopefully sooner than later, that arm will belong to a cute guy that does like me for me.  Flaws and all.

what if..i’m not what you think… i am?   1 comment

I’ve been sitting on the concept for this post for the past three days.  On Friday night, at the end of a 3-hour phone call with my Libby (one of my best friends since college who currently resides in Atlanta),  I found myself immediately captivated with an unforeseen thought as our conversation led to a familiar topic from our past. 

Yes, it involves a boy.  A boy who Libby and I have had many discussions about over the past 6-7 years.  Yes, that boy.  However, this is a universal topic and could be about anyone- and is the point that I’m hoping to make.  But who am I kidding?  This focuses on ‘him’.

Even with an adventurous weekend in Chicagoland with my guests, Carrie & Ben, I could not shake this idea that centers around lyrics from Ingrid Michaelson’s Giving Up, which includes those used as this post’s title: What if I’m not what you think I am?  I thought about this in the shower, in between sips of wine, while drinking a potent Ultimate Margarita from Cesar’s, during the tripptastic Blue Man Group performance, and before finally falling asleep on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights.  Let me explain.

Blame it on the wine (because I can), but I found the need to ask Libby a very simple question that evoked an unexpected answer.  First let me add that Lib was a little drunk and therefore misheard my question, leading her to elicit a different response.  But no matter what, the topic was still relatively the same .  So, am I glad I asked?  Yes.  Why not?  But was I caught off guard?  Absolutely!  Okay, I’ll cut to the chase.

The question that Lib thought I asked elicited her response to tell me that she was “so glad that you (I) asked.”  After a few sentences of explanation, Lib informed me that (he) was ‘not a good guy’ and that her boyfriend mentioned that he had been ‘going through something back then’. (Of course I immediately started to worry about him, prompting Lib for answers.)

Now I know I’m being vague here but it has a lot to do with me not being sure what to think, what to believe.  When I first heard this from one of my best friends, I, of course, took it to heart.  How could I not?  Afterall I’d trust her with my life and if she heard something like this firsthand then I know she felt it was right to tell me.  Within seconds of hearing those little phrases, I started questioning who he really was:  Did I have it all wrong all along?  What did I think I saw in him that was so different from that?  Is he really ‘not a good guy’? 

Three days later and I’m still wondering what the truth is, of course factoring in the wine (for both parties on the call) and the fact that 1) that was between 4-6 years ago; and 2) people’s opinions are not always accurate.  That being said, how do I know that mine was the right?  Was I blinded by love?  Or worse, by lust?  Part of me feels foolish, and the other part keeps saying, follow your heart.  You know what you felt (feel).  Trust that instinct. 

This is far from a life-and-death situation so I’m not really stressing over it too much, but it is something for my overthinking mind to, well, think about.  Up until Friday, to me he was perfect.  Flawless.  Or maybe it’s better to say that I loved him above any thing that could be perceived as a flaw.  I loved him because of his flaws.  He was (is) someone who I care enough about to willingly sacrifice my own happiness for his each and every day.  Isn’t that what love is all about?  Seeing an imperfect person perfectly?  Can I please throw in a blah, blah, blah there?  Guess I just did. 

You know I’ve never had someone look at me the way he did.  And I’ve never looked at someone the way I looked at him either.  That’s what sticks with me the most after all these years.  I’m still haunted wondering, what did he see in me?  How did I make him feel? 

What if I’m not what you think I am?  What if he had me all wrong?  What if he thought I was something that I wasn’t?  What if he was blinded by love?  Or worse, by lust?  What if I meant nothing to him at all?  What if this was all just an illusion in my mind?

When it comes to love I think I fall into the hopeless romantic and cynic categories.  That’s kind of where I am right now as I end this rambling of a post.  I’ve spent all of my life, especially the last 7 years, believing that true love & soulmates (can) exist.  I’ve listened to my heart, ignoring logic, believing that destiny is more than just a concept created by Hollywood to make billions from girls like me.  I’ve found myself in hundreds of movies, TV shows, books, and songs relating to themes of unconditional love, heartbreak, and waiting…and more waiting.  But then I also find myself shaking my head and rolling my eyes when the distressed female lead cries that her life is over and that she’ll never love again.  I ignore my own history and decide that love is an illusion and that there is no happily ever after.  Afterall the divorce rate is… (I’ll stop my cynical ways now for your sake.) 

I want to end this post by asking you- the believers and the cynics- how do you know what what’s real and what’s an illusion?  What does it (love) really feel like?  How do you know if what you feel is real?

What if I fall further than you? What if you dream of somebody new?

Posted August 10, 2010 by K in chicago, i am who i am, love

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