Archive for the ‘that song reminds me of…’ Tag

there were sounds in my head, little voices whispering, that i should go and this should end. oh and i found myself listening.   Leave a comment

I cannot stop listening to Where I Stood (covered by Caroline County).  The song (original by Missy Higgins) was introduced to me by one of my best friends; the same friend that recently broke up with her boyfriend of 6 years and felt a strong connection to the song based on her situation. 

Now what I cannot figure out is why I have taken such a liking to this song.  I’m not the one who was battling doubts about her relationship; heck, I’m not even in a relationship to have doubts about.  So how is it that I find myself relating to this song?  Why do the lyrics hit home for me?  Why is it that little single me is questioning how the song pertains to her?

Even listening to it just now still has me at a lost for why I find myself so captivated with this song.  Why do I listen to every word so attentively and feel pain as though this is my story being told?

Here’s a thought…maybe I want it to be my story?  Maybe I want a chance to be in a relationship- just this one time?  Maybe I want the chance to fall in love?  Maybe I want the chance for someone to fall madly in love with me?  And maybe, just maybe, I want to be with someone who eliminates any doubts from my mind?  Maybe I want to know who I am when in a relationship?  Maybe I want to know who I can be with someone else by my side?

and breathe, just breathe.   4 comments

…the fortune teller who read my tarot cards on New Year’s Eve also told me, “… you don’t sleep well.”  Oddly enough, on that night I found myself thinking, No, I sleep fine.  Last night, as I tossed and turned with anxiety and a multitude of thoughts, I realized that she was right.  I don’t sleep well.  At that time I may have been sleeping fairly well- due to both exhaustion and a bout of happiness- around New Year’s Eve, but generally speaking I’ve never been a solid sleeper.  And all photos with bags & dark circles under my eyes are proof. 

It really shouldn’t take a tarot card reading to inform me that I don’t sleep too well.  After all, I think I know whether or not I sleep at night.  But then again, I guess I never realized it?  I guess I always thought that it was normal to take 30-60 minutes to fall asleep at night; and that it was normal to wake up at least 2-3 during the night.  It’s not, is it?  Another round of Oi Vey, please?

I’m learning to embrace nights like these and see them as part of life’s little lessons.  My friend, as well as fellow adventurer and student of life, Kate, just wrote, “You can’t teach these things, you can only learn from them.”  So what did I learn from last night?  I’m not exactly sure yet, but I did wake up with this notion:

Let yourself be sad.  Let yourself cry if you need to.  Ask God, “What do you want from me?”  Ask yourself, “Why am I letting this bother me so much?”  Put on that comfy sweatshirt that makes you feel better.  Throw your hair in pigtail braids.  Watch sappy movies.  Listen to ‘sad white people music’.  Write it all out if that works best for you.  Spend the day with your emotions.  Allow yourself to get to know you better.  Find out what makes you happy when you’re feeling blue.  Be your own best friend for the day.  And don’t forget to keep breathing and telling yourself, “It’s all going to be okay.  You’ll feel better tomorrow.”  And you will.  I will.

My senior year at OU consisted of several sleepless nights;and if I did sleep, it was more of a passing out after a night filled of drinking situation.  During those restlessness nights of anxiety, I found comfort by being my own best friend.  No one else understood what I was going through.  No one else knew about neither the anxiety that kept me awake at night nor the panic attacks that woke me up every so often.  No one else seemed to understand, not even my own mother, and so I stopped talking about my problems altogether.  Instead I tossed and turned every night attempting to fall asleep as I hit repeat on my playlist to find comfort in Anna Nalick’s 2 am and she instructed me,  “And breathe. Just breathe.” 

This week has reminded me of those nights for more reasons than I’d like to admit.  Nights that occurred five years ago have seemed as though they were only yesterday; and the pain, somehow I can feel it again.  But this isn’t five years ago.  I’ve come such a long way since then.  I’ve grown so much since those days.  I just need to shake this off once and for all.  So here it goes….

Breathe.

Just Breathe.

 

** Kate is a Season 4 Blogger for Stratejoy.  Read her first post, Life is Messy

wherever i go, whatever i do. i wonder where i am in my relationship to you. wherever you go, wherever you are. i watch that pretty life play out in pictures from afar.   Leave a comment

I’ve been trying to write a post- something short & simple- all day.  But as you can see, no such post has yet to be written.  Here’s to hoping this turns out to be something…anything… that takes away this huge lump of anxiety from my stomach, heart, and mind. 

I’m just going to say it: Today is one of those days where I really believe that life enjoys f’ing with me.  It all started last night, with perhaps a foreshadowing moment yesterday afternoon- but I didn’t even think too much of it.  But last night, that’s when life started slapping me around and saying, What do you think of this?  And now this?  How about this too?  One thing after another. 

I feel so much and then nothing at all, and the nothingness is the worse part.  Last night as this little situation began to unfold, I took the I just don’t care anymore route and did a little something about it.  Nothing huge, but at least something.  Something more than all of the things I neither said nor did many years ago when the opportunities played our right in front of me.

I woke up this morning to my Morning Show DJs talking about fortune teller’s predictions coming true.  Even in my groggy state, I found that to be the last thing I needed to hear after last night’s discovery.  Could my tarot card reading really come true?  I guess only time will tell, but don’t worry I’m not holding my breath waiting to see. 

I don’t even know what to say about it all right now, but thankfully a few friends permitted me to write them emails and one note in the infamous Pen Pal Book to get a few Seriously??!!!  and Are you kidding me? thoughts out.  I also remember say those both out loud a few times these last 20 hours.  Sorry, neighbors.  Trust me I could have said a lot more, but I really just don’t know what to say.

I know this is vague and if anyone is actually reading this, I apologize.  But this is one of those times when this blog really is a therapy appointment for me.  So is Yoga, which I plan to do now.  And then it’s off for Baby Therapy at the hospital.  Hopefully I can feel something, and not just freezing cold, but the time I get back home tonight.

The title of this post is lyrics from In Your Atmosphere by John Mayer.  This song played last night and this part of the song just reminds me of, well, something that last night encompassed.

when your birthday passed, and i didn’t call   Leave a comment

If I had this blog at this time  last year then I probably wouldn’t have written a post entitled, Do the Things You’d Regret Not Doing.  The date may have been January 15, 2010 or not…maybe a day or two after… because last year, on this date, I was traveling on the Megabus to Cleveland to spend the weekend with Julie at the bridal show.  But no matter what day it was written, the post would have been about January 15, 2010…or rather what happened that day and what it meant to me.

I remember that day fairly well. Mostly I remember the nerves that sat in my stomach as I waited for the right moment to carry out my plan: Something I knew I had to do.   And you know what…that moment of Okay, I’m ready did actually happen; and I’m so glad it did.  And now, a year later, all I can say is, “What a difference a year makes!”  On that last note I could indulge you with many details about the impact that last January 15th had on me; all of the things that have happened this past year are because of what I did (for   myself) last January 15th.  January 15, 2010: The day I became Fearless.  While I’d love to inspire others with my story; encourage others to take action to face their anxieties to become fearless… that’s not what this post is about.  Rather I want to do the following.  A few months ago, as my heart was breaking, yet again.  The ever-so-wise, Adriana, instructed me to deal with this (whatever this really is) by writing him a letter.  A letter with no intention of being sent but as honest as willing in case it was.  But even though appropriate on this date, today isn’t the day to write a letter.  But I feel the need to say something and perhaps this is what I want to say:

Happy Birthday! Hope you’re doing well.  Let me know if you ever find yourself visiting Chicago. And if I was truly feeling Fearless in that moment, I’d like to add: I know about you & her.  I’m happy for you two.  I really am. 

I’m not going to text him a Happy Birthday! I hope you’re doing well. tonight.  If he knows me, he knows I remembered his birthday and that I’m thinking of him today.  Sending him well wishes and honestly hoping that he’s really happy.  (I really do.)  See when you really care about someone, whether or not they return the feelings, you just want them to be happy.  Even if you’re not the one that makes them happy.

Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift

don’t be scared to walk alone. don’t be scared to like it.   1 comment

As soon as I heard the lyrics, don’t be scared to walk alone; don’t be scared to like it, from John Mayer’s Age of Worry, I knew a post was in order.  But I sit here, 2 days later not really knowing what to write.  In a way I still don’t know, but I’m going to attempt this anyway.  Heaven, help me. 

If you didn’t (have the pleasure) to know me 2 1/2 years ago, then I’ll let you in on a little secret: I was terrified to move to Chicago.  I was afraid of leaving my friends and moving further away from my family.  I was worried about moving to a new place where I (really) knew less than a handful of people.  I was shaken with fear of living on my own, something I personally vowed that I could never do.  But fortunately those days are a thing from the past.  Well…for the most part.   

I woke up this morning and had this overwhelming feeling that I was in the wrong place.  After seeing a few texts from friends and a message in my Inbox from another, I couldn’t shake the notion that I wanted to be anywhere but here.  It pained me to rationalize that I couldn’t be in Cleveland and Cincinnati all at the same time.  Life just isn’t fair.  But, I thought, if I was living back in Columbus again then I’d only be a short two-hour drive to either place.  Heck, I could even visit both places in one day if I really wanted to.  (Note: Don’t prompt me because you know I’ll pull it off.  After all, I am my father’s daughter.) 

Now Kristin, before you start celebrating with wine in a leopard glass and dancing around with joy that your plan worked 😉 …know that while I hope it will one day, today is unfortunately not the day. 

After responding to the texts and writing an email to another love of my life, I rolled over swearing that I could stay in bed all day.  Okay, and maybe, just maybe, I wished that there was a boy laying next to me.  Seriously, is there anything better in life than waking up next to someone…well…someone you really like?  I guess that’s what happens when you fall asleep watching the Aidan episodes of Sex and the City.  Back to my Aidan-less reality and the fact there, of course, wasn’t a guy next to me.  Sadly just a laptop and an alarm clock playing some over-played pop song.  So I pulled myself out of bed to make it to Kelly’s Spin Class in time.

During class my mind wandered to this thought: What if I wasn’t single?  What would that really be like?  Honestly, I have no idea.  Minus a few whatever-relationships in my day, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve always been single.  In fact, some of my very best friends are taken back (with shock first, then excitement) when I say, “I met someone”.  (Note: This rarely happens, which you probably know from reading this open book blog of mine.)

I promise you that you’ll never hear me complain about being single.  I’ll never whine about not having a boyfriend.  I just don’t do it.  Part of the reason why is because, truthfully, I’m ok with being single.  Now there are several reasons why I say this, but one reason is my freedom.  I mean how many people in relationships can travel to three different cities in Ohio for three straight weekends?  How many single people can move-in with her friends for a week to help care for her children? 

Now the dreamer that I tend to be wants to believe that Mr. Right with allow me these freedoms because 1) he loves me dearly and 2) wants me to do what makes me happy.  However, in reality, I know this most likely isn’t the case.  But isn’t impossible…right?  Trust me, I hear the advice every day from my co-workers and other older friends, “Enjoy your freedom while I can.  I wish I did more when I was your age.”  While I value their advice, I tend to use my own perspective in seeing what faults lie in the single life. 

For starters, it would be really nice to wake up next to someone and maybe/possibly/hopefully have them make/buy you coffee while you stay under the covers.  Do you even know how many times I’ve daydreamed about that happening?  And maybe I’ve also imagined the whole proposal scene from The Time Traveler’s Wife happening to me.  But only once…or twice.  (Take notes, potential suitors.)

In all honesty, for me, there’s just one thing that I constantly fight about being single.  It’s so silly and probably the main reason why others in relationships desire to have their single man’s freedom back.  So…sometimes…every now and then…I wish that someone would tell me where I’m going or what I’m doing.  See, that’s the single girl in me.  Let me rephrase it by saying that I wish someone would tell me where we are going or what we are doing.  Yes, if I’m still blogging when I’m forty and finally in somewhat of a relationship, you can use this post against me.  Actually, please do.  But really this is how I feel.  Call me crazy.  Say, “Girl, I wish I didn’t have someone decided what ‘we’ are doing all the time.”  And all I can say is, to each his own. 

Two and a half years ago when I was getting ready to move to Chicago, for the first time since my childhood days I wished that I had a boyfriend.  I wanted someone to be by my side as I veered far out of my comfort zone in the world of the unknown.  But it was only me that moved in Apt 807.  And it’s still only me, but with a whole lot of people by my side as I continue on this journey of mine.  I mostly walk these Chicago streets alone as I head towards the train station, to volunteer or back home after a long day.  But it doesn’t scare me anymore to be alone in this city, and in fact, some days it’s what I enjoy the most.  Those rejuvenating walks when it’s just the city and me.  Isn’t it funny how the one thing that used to scare you can one day become the thing you enjoy the most?   

they say, one day you’ll look out your door and you’ll find you’re right where you belong. in that moment, you’ll know love so sweet and that feeling you’ve known it all along.   Leave a comment

For the second time this week, I found myself lost in thought sitting at a table amongst friends- new & old.  While the places and faces were none of the same on Monday and Friday night, the thought was: Why am I not living in Ohio?  Both nights, as well as Thursday night with two of my best friends, Brandon & Libby, reminded me how good I feel when I’m back ‘home’.  The reason I feel good is because of the company I’m surrounded by.  (For years now), they’ve shown me exactly where I belong.  For some reason, Sorry Pittsburgh, Ohio has proven to be the place for me.  My Happy Place.  The place where I feel most “me”.  The first place where I truly have always felt that I belong.

On Monday night, at a bar near my old apartment in downtown Columbus, Stef apparently answered a question from earlier in the day, but one that I wasn’t aware of.  (For me), out of nowhere, she replied, “The People.”  Without even knowing neither 1) that an earlier question was asked nor 2) what the exact question was, Stef’s answer clicked with me and I buzzed in with: What is “what is your favorite thing about Columbus”?  Ding. Ding. Ding. 

Now let me say that I’ve heard the jokes about Ohio & Ohioians before, from many stubborn Pittsburghers- especially one.  And while I’ve learned to tune them out, I will continue to respond that I not only love Ohio but I love it the most because of its people.  From Ohio’s simple enjoyment of playing cornhole and screaming O-H (I-O) at all hours of the day/night to their loyalty to bleed Scarlett & Grey 365-days a year.  And the simple fact that every Target in Ohio is better than the best Target in Chicago.  I love Ohio and have ever since my love affair with Ohio University began as a teenager.  And as time goes on and I meet more of Ohio’s best, my love continues to grow.  Actually, I think it’s best to say that I remain in love with Ohio because of its people.  So I agree with Stef.  The best thing about Ohio is “The People”.  On all three nights in Ohio, I sat amongst friends perfectly content with where I was and whom I was with.  There was nowhere else I wanted to be.   

Tonight is the last night of my 10-day holiday break (and tour di Pittsburgh & Ohio), as I fly back to Chicago bright and early tomorrow, quite similar to how I arrived last Wednesday morning.  In thinking about everything that has occurred since that day and everyone that I’ve been able to spend time with, it certainly feels like it’s been longer than 10 days.  The amount of things that I’ve been able to cram into this past 1.5 weeks is remarkable.  Even so, I may have to argue that it hasn’t been enough time.  As I reflect on the people who have made this break so enjoyable for me, I find myself wishing that I had a suitcase large enough to pack them up for tomorrow’s flight.  Or perhaps the persuasive powers to convince them all to move there with me. 

Because we’re friends, or something like that, I’ll let you in on a little fantasy that my post-New Years Eve mind concocted on the ride home from Cleveland today.  Somewhere between Strongsville, OH and Cranberry, PA I recreated the ever-so infamous airport scene that has been played out in many romantic comedies and TV shows.  Like Friends.  Yes, in my own version I recreated the infamous Ross & Rachel airport scene from the series’ finale.  But before you get any ideas, let me explain that there was no boy playing the role of Ross in my fantasy.  (But of course it would have been nice.)  Instead, the character was played by “O-H-I-O”.  Yes, I imagined “Ohio” chasing me down at the airport and begging me, “Don’t get on the plane.  Stay with me.  Be with me.”  

Now I’m going to assume that this fantasy-sharing session brought a grin to my friend, Kristin, and she may even be already on her way to Pittsburgh International Airport to stop me from getting on tomorrow’s plane.  (I love you.)  But the truth of that matter is that it is just a fantasy.  Tomorrow morning I will be getting on that plane, leaving Pittsburgh and flying over Home*Sweet*Ohio, only to arrive in my actual (current) hometown of Chicago, IL.  And while I’ll spend tomorrow missing my friends & family, I know that I’ll be okay once I get back into my routine (aka lots of volunteering and kid therapy).  

So thank you, Pittsburgh and Ohio, for welcoming me back with open arms and gracing me with 10 days of clarity and A.MAY.ZING. dates with friends and family.  It was great to be back again. 

And Ohio, thank you for giving me a place to call my own; making me feel that I belong; and allowing me still love you even after I left.  (Remember: It wasn’t you, it was definitely me.)  I will continue to miss you more each day, but I promise you’ll see me again soon.  After all, you know I cannot stay away from you too long.  In fact, I’ll be back February 18th if not sooner.  Take care of my lovelies for me and let them know that I’m only a short Megabus ride away.

Song of the Moment: How I Love You by Rob Laufer

mama, you taught me to do the right things, so now you have to let your baby fly.   Leave a comment

The first time I heard this song, Mama’s Song by Carrie Underwood, I got the chills.  How does she do it?  How do her songs always find a way of hitting the nail on the head, with respect to my life circumstances?  For all you non-country music fans (or pop-country, whichever you see it as), you can roll your eyes but I’m just speaking the truth.  Yesterday I watched her new video for the song and the chills now turned to tears.  I teared up.   And I’m not what the real reason was…

…and I just watched it again and still not certain.  Let’s try a multiple choice question here, okay?  (Like you have a choice.) 

A) “As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes”- I miss my mom. I miss my dad.  I miss my brother.  I miss home.             B) “And he is good, so good”- Makes me think of a certain guy that I held onto for a long time.  Can I officially move on?            C) “He makes promises he keeps, no he’s never go to leave.  So don’t worry about me.”– Makes me wonder, with hope, if that’s ever going to happen to me…and when.             D) “And when I watch my baby grow up, I’ll only want what’s best for her and I hope she’ll find the answer to my prayers.”– Will I ever be a mom?             E) All of the above.

(I called my mom.  No answer, and I decided not to leave a rambling message nor trying reaching her on her cell.)

It’s been a long day so please bear with me.  Last night I had one of those frustrating nights when you have to wake up really early and you cannot fall asleep.  My alarm went off at 4 today…yes 4 AM…on a Saturday and I trekked off to the suburbs via the lovely trains & buses of Chicago.  About two hours after leaving my apartment I arrived at my destination: The Brookfield Zoo for the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s Stride & Ride (as a Make-A-Wish volunteer).  Another great event that I was fortunate to be a part of.  The kids & families are amazing and inspirational to me., reminding me how important this field of work is to me.  Secondly, the Brookfield Zoo is gorgeous!  I cannot wait to go back and spend an entire day there.  *If you’re ever in Chicago, definitely take a trip there (via the Metra) as well as the Lincoln Park Zoo.  (Note: The LPZ is free admission.)

Every time I attend an event like this I am overwhelmed with emotions, similar to the ones that the Carrie Underwood song brings on.  Questions run around my mind:  Why do I feel so alive in this environment?  Why does it come so naturally to me?  Will I ever find a job that lets me do this all the time?  Is this what I’m ‘meant to be’?  How adorable are these kids!!?  Will I ever have kids?  Will I ever get married?  Will I ever find someone to love me?  Will I ever let someone?   Will I ever truly love myself?

Here’s the thing about dreamers:  There is always a dream to be dreamt.  Disappointment may decrease the scale of some dreams, but dreamers will never stop dreaming.  I cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn’t dreaming.  Ever since I was a little girl, my imagination was always running wild.  Sure those dreams begin with Cinderella stories and impractical fantasies, but soon your mind begins envisioning (more) achievable possibilities.  Before you know it, you’re gaining independence by saying goodbye to your parents (until holiday break) and adventuring off into the world of the unknown.  From that point on, life will never been the same again. 

Dreamers cannot ignore their dreams- trust me, I’ve tried.  I’ll be honest here and say that I wish I didn’t dream so much.  I wish I really could just move back to Pittsburgh- be closer to my family- and be happy.  When I think about it, really thinking about it, I know I’d just be giving up and I wouldn’t be happy.  So I keep dreaming.  Dreaming of the happiness that I’ve been told exists and staying as optimistic as possible in a world of haters and cynics.  A world that can crush our childhood dreams in a matter of seconds over something as meaningless as an email.  Knowing that could easily destroy a dreamer, make her stop dreaming…but a dreamer will still dream.  We dream because our mothers taught us to believe in our dreams.  To fight for we believe in.  To believe that anything is possible if we dream it. 

I’ve watched that video three times now and each time I think- Carrie Underwood’s mother must be so proud of her.  Not because she’s successful for her music & celebrity, but for the grace and beauty she possesses.  For taking changes and going after her dreams.  All a mother wants is for her daughter to be happy and  the daughter wants to make her mom proud.  So to my mom and all the mothers out there, as we explore the world and chase after our dreams, please remember that we carry you with us everywhere we go.  It is because of your love, encouragement, and support that we have dreams to go after in the first place.

Don’t Forget to Remember Me- Carrie Underwood