…the fortune teller who read my tarot cards on New Year’s Eve also told me, “… you don’t sleep well.” Oddly enough, on that night I found myself thinking, No, I sleep fine. Last night, as I tossed and turned with anxiety and a multitude of thoughts, I realized that she was right. I don’t sleep well. At that time I may have been sleeping fairly well- due to both exhaustion and a bout of happiness- around New Year’s Eve, but generally speaking I’ve never been a solid sleeper. And all photos with bags & dark circles under my eyes are proof.
It really shouldn’t take a tarot card reading to inform me that I don’t sleep too well. After all, I think I know whether or not I sleep at night. But then again, I guess I never realized it? I guess I always thought that it was normal to take 30-60 minutes to fall asleep at night; and that it was normal to wake up at least 2-3 during the night. It’s not, is it? Another round of Oi Vey, please?
I’m learning to embrace nights like these and see them as part of life’s little lessons. My friend, as well as fellow adventurer and student of life, Kate, just wrote, “You can’t teach these things, you can only learn from them.” So what did I learn from last night? I’m not exactly sure yet, but I did wake up with this notion:
Let yourself be sad. Let yourself cry if you need to. Ask God, “What do you want from me?” Ask yourself, “Why am I letting this bother me so much?” Put on that comfy sweatshirt that makes you feel better. Throw your hair in pigtail braids. Watch sappy movies. Listen to ‘sad white people music’. Write it all out if that works best for you. Spend the day with your emotions. Allow yourself to get to know you better. Find out what makes you happy when you’re feeling blue. Be your own best friend for the day. And don’t forget to keep breathing and telling yourself, “It’s all going to be okay. You’ll feel better tomorrow.” And you will. I will.
My senior year at OU consisted of several sleepless nights;and if I did sleep, it was more of a passing out after a night filled of drinking situation. During those restlessness nights of anxiety, I found comfort by being my own best friend. No one else understood what I was going through. No one else knew about neither the anxiety that kept me awake at night nor the panic attacks that woke me up every so often. No one else seemed to understand, not even my own mother, and so I stopped talking about my problems altogether. Instead I tossed and turned every night attempting to fall asleep as I hit repeat on my playlist to find comfort in Anna Nalick’s 2 am and she instructed me, “And breathe. Just breathe.”
This week has reminded me of those nights for more reasons than I’d like to admit. Nights that occurred five years ago have seemed as though they were only yesterday; and the pain, somehow I can feel it again. But this isn’t five years ago. I’ve come such a long way since then. I’ve grown so much since those days. I just need to shake this off once and for all. So here it goes….
** Kate is a Season 4 Blogger for Stratejoy. Read her first post, Life is Messy.