when your birthday passed, and i didn’t call

If I had this blog at this time  last year then I probably wouldn’t have written a post entitled, Do the Things You’d Regret Not Doing.  The date may have been January 15, 2010 or not…maybe a day or two after… because last year, on this date, I was traveling on the Megabus to Cleveland to spend the weekend with Julie at the bridal show.  But no matter what day it was written, the post would have been about January 15, 2010…or rather what happened that day and what it meant to me.

I remember that day fairly well. Mostly I remember the nerves that sat in my stomach as I waited for the right moment to carry out my plan: Something I knew I had to do.   And you know what…that moment of Okay, I’m ready did actually happen; and I’m so glad it did.  And now, a year later, all I can say is, “What a difference a year makes!”  On that last note I could indulge you with many details about the impact that last January 15th had on me; all of the things that have happened this past year are because of what I did (for   myself) last January 15th.  January 15, 2010: The day I became Fearless.  While I’d love to inspire others with my story; encourage others to take action to face their anxieties to become fearless… that’s not what this post is about.  Rather I want to do the following.  A few months ago, as my heart was breaking, yet again.  The ever-so-wise, Adriana, instructed me to deal with this (whatever this really is) by writing him a letter.  A letter with no intention of being sent but as honest as willing in case it was.  But even though appropriate on this date, today isn’t the day to write a letter.  But I feel the need to say something and perhaps this is what I want to say:

Happy Birthday! Hope you’re doing well.  Let me know if you ever find yourself visiting Chicago. And if I was truly feeling Fearless in that moment, I’d like to add: I know about you & her.  I’m happy for you two.  I really am. 

I’m not going to text him a Happy Birthday! I hope you’re doing well. tonight.  If he knows me, he knows I remembered his birthday and that I’m thinking of him today.  Sending him well wishes and honestly hoping that he’s really happy.  (I really do.)  See when you really care about someone, whether or not they return the feelings, you just want them to be happy.  Even if you’re not the one that makes them happy.

Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift

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