Archive for the ‘that reminds me of a song’ Tag

show (you) all the beauty you possess, if you only let yourself believe.   Leave a comment

‘Let yourself believe’ was the phrase that found a way into my wine-induced mind last night.  As I walked home from Jenny’s condo after a few hours of friend time and guilty pleasure reality TV, I hung out tightly to these three words hopeful that I’d remember in the morning.  As expected, I forgot them.  However, under a combination of luck and boredom, I made myself remember what I was trying so hard not to forget.  ‘Let yourself believe.’ 

Or better yet, my head told my heart, “Kristen, you have to let yourself finally believe.”

After losing steam at work yesterday, I decided to cancel my other plans for some quality downtime with my friend, Jenny.  So I ran home and changed into a simple, comfy outfit and headed over to watch this week’s episode of The Bachelorette over Chinese food, sushi, and a bottle of white wine.  Not only was it the makings of a perfect night, but also exactly what we both needed.  I like to think of it as therapy.

Somewhere between my wine glass being half empty/half full, I asked Jenny, “Do you think you could really go on this show and believe in the process?”  After admitting her uncertainty she posed the same question on me.  She may be sorry she did that become I had enough wine in me to use the words “cynical” and “lying” in one breath before indulging her in some monologue like this: “I just don’t understand why anyone would want to put themselves in this situation.  Why torment yourself?  Love and life make you crazy enough, so what’s the point of going on a reality show that forces you to compete for love?” 

While finding entertainment in this show and having a few crushes over the years (cough JP cough), I promise that you will never see me on a screen with an ABC icon in the corner…unless I get Chris Harrison’s gig.  The main reason is that, while I appear to be bubbly and optimistic, I am far too cynical to believe that anyone would really want to marry me (or anyone else for that matter) after only knowing them for 6 weeks and in this make-believe (TV) land.

Tonight, as I sat on the rooftop with my friend, Sadie, and another bottle of (white) wine, I escaped the summer funk that I’ve found myself to be in and enjoyed the distraction of a good friend.  Throughout our conversation I found myself defending the ‘boy issues’ that the two of us share.  I also found myself thinking, What is wrong with me?  Why cant’ I just let myself believe, just this once, that I deserve ‘it’? 

I swear I want to believe.  The fight against doing so has gotten harder every day.  But for some reason, I keep finding excuses.  More doubts and insecurities that surface when I think I’m almost there.  I’m closer than I’ve ever been.  I know I am.  But something keeps holding me back.  Whether it’s cynicism or those pesky scars that won’t heal, I don’t know.  All I do know is that I’m not letting myself give up.  Not this time.  Not ever again.  But let me ask this question: Why is it so hard to believe that you are deserving of that you seek to find? 

Song of the Moment: Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol

Earlier Post: Promise me you’ll never let me go on a reality show  

if i lay here, if i just lay here; would you lie with me and just forget the world?   2 comments

Il dolce far niente: “The sweetness of doing nothing”.  That’s exactly what I’ve been instructed to be doing, or shall I say I’ve been instructed to do nothing.  So after weeks of trying to rest more, I finally followed everyone’s orders and took a sick day from work to do nothing but Rest, Rest, and More Rest.  Quite frankly I find it boring, but I’m making the best of it by watching movies and hibernating for a few hours at a time (aka napping).  I’m fighting every urge to visit with friends or run out for some fresh, rainy Chicago air because I know I need to stay in and rest.  Just me, myself, and I…and this couch.  It’s so boring, and honestly this own Is it exhaustion or might it be mono? game is frustrating.  Just tell me how to get rid of it!  All I want is to feel better and have energy that doesn’t require chugging a 12 oz Sugar-Free Red Bull for a temporary fix.

So it’s now 5:30 pm (Central Time) and I’m contemplating whether or not to make my friend, Sarah, deal with me tonight.  I just don’t feel like myself, which is the most aggravating thing about this whole illness/run-down thing I have going on.  Even at the zoo with Max on Wednesday evening, I found myself struggling in between his smiles and contagious giggles to find the energy to keep myself going. (FYI: He was pretty adorable, of course when is he not?  Oddly enough he was more entertained by the photo booths’ buttons and fences with holes than the huge live animals in front of him.)

(…and I fell asleep after that.  Okay, let’s try this again.)

So if the title didn’t give it away (lyrics from Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars), I’ll come out and say that this is one of those post where I’m going to admit that okay, maybe I do want a boyfriend- sometimes.  There you go.  I said it, and that’s all you’re going to get out of me.  Well…maybe a little bit more.  See on these days when I’m forced to stop and take care of myself, I tend to wish that someone was here to lay around with.  Someone to watch (and make fun of) crappy reality TV shows with, as he lets me use his lap as my pillow while running his fingers through my hair.  Someone who will take care of me; or better yet, someone who will Let Me Let Him take care of me.  And this someone knows that I’ll take care of him when he’s not feeling quite like himself.

I rarely, if ever, admit that I, too, desire to have a someone in my life.  I hint at it throughout my posts (and life) by sharing quotes, song lyrics, and hidden messages but hardly ever come out and say: I wish I had a boyfriend. 

I just fought myself to leave it like that and not include …sometimes after the word ‘boyfriend’.  Days like today, and really all of the days contained in these last few weeks, there has been no need for ‘…sometimes’ in that statement.  Other days, when I’m totally in love with my freedom to visit friends in every Ohio city and hang out with my guy friends til 5 am without having to answer to anyone, having a boyfriend only pops into my mind once or twice a day.  But today, on a dreary Friday in Chicago, I kinda-sorta-maybe wish that someone wanted to be here to take care of me, giving me every reason to lay around and forget the rest of the world.

Are you happy now?  I let my guard down and admit that I, too, am a girl- even if I try to fight it.  And as a girl, sometimes I do want someone else to take care of me.  And if this little bug of mine is a case of overexertion, then the doctor may be writing out a prescription for “Get yourself a boyfriend”.  Too bad Max isn’t much, much older.

look for the girl with the broken smile, ask her if she wants to stay awhile.   2 comments

About a month ago, at a bar/coffee shop five blocks away from my old apartment in downtown Columbus, eight twentysomethings sat at table engaged in laughs and conversation.  If you need a visual, picture Central Perk minus the couch and many more beer glasses than coffee mugs.  Oh, I should also point out that most of these people met one another for the first time 30 minutes prior to my late arrival.  It’s a night, even 3 weeks later, that I continually find myself coming back to.  While it may seem odd to others, one of the memories I recall most frequently is over the lyrics of a song.  I know, me and my lyrics & quotes. 

A comedic, liquor-drinking guitar player soon took over mic and began crooning many ladies’ choices.  As our table began making predictions for the next song, he sang the line:

Look for the girl with the broken smile/ Ask her if she wants to stay awhile (She Will Be Loved by Maroon 5)

As he continued singing the remainder of the song, silence hit me.  (Maybe discomfort too.)  To distract myself from the thoughts that were forming, I looked around the room at the strangers nearby, until the song came to an end. 

“What does ‘a broken smile’ mean?” Jen asked.

With no one else responding and her gaze on me, I thought quickly about what to say.  So many things I could have said.  So many examples I could have given.  With more discomfort setting in, I opted not to say too much but did incorporate the words ‘sadness’ and ‘broken heart’ into my answer.

I thought, Does she really not know?  How could she not know?  Has she never truly battled pain, suffering and/or a broken heart?  Has she never had to force a smile when her heart was breaking inside?  Has she never forgotten how to breathe without feeling pain?  Has she never wished that she could sleep a whole day away so she didn’t have to worry about hearing his name?  If not, then I pity her.

At twenty-seven years old, I can finally say that I’m grateful for my broken days; for they have given me strength and resilience.  The honest truth is that obstacles are life’s best lessons. Each and every experience- momentous or habitual- exists to prepare us for what has yet to come.  The same can be said about relationships as sometimes you have to learn from heartbreak in order to appreciate true love when it comes along.

I couldn’t have said the same thing at 22 years old; quite frankly I’m not sure if I saw it this way last year.  But all that matters is I believe it now.  And I believe that there’s nothing wrong with being broken… as long as you put the pieces back together again. 

  

“This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. ”
Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love)

all i have are the choices i make.   Leave a comment

Darlene, one of the loves of my life, always knows the right things to say, even if I don’t know the right question to ask.  On Thursday afternoon she knew the right quote to share: Destiny is not a matter of chance, it is a matter of choice; it is not a thing to be waited for, it is a thing to be achieved. ~ William Jennings Bryan.  After a short reply of my own, Darlene wrote back: Perhaps because you are making your own destiny, my dear sweet friend 😮

Fate. Destiny.Everything Happens for a Reason. We’ve heard these words a thousand times before and can expect to hear them millions more.  And we, ourselves, tend to repeat them too.  But what about the words: Do. Take. Go. As in Do What You Want. Take Chances. Go After Your Dreams.  Why don’t we use these words more often to instruct & inspire others (and ourselves) about the reality that is known as life? 

Today I followed my own words of wisdom by attending Open House for a grad program that would allow me to Do What I Want; Take Chances; and Go After My Dreams.  Within the first twenty minutes I found myself overwhelmed with the notion, “this feels right…so it must be right”Now I say ‘overwhelmed’ because, quite frankly, while everything sounds good and aligns perfectly with my plans, I’m experienced enough to know that life doesn’t always go according to plan.  And here I am with Martina McBride’s song, Anyway, playing in my head: But do it anyway. Okay Martina, I will.  I’ll take this chance and apply.  And I’ll trust that whatever is right, will happen.  Whether or not the outcome begins with a “Congratulations!” letter, I have made the choice to do it anyway.  Do. Take. Go.

You know, Do. Take. Go. applies to so many other things too.  Like Love.  While I can surely find reason to argue against love being a choice (ie. fate/destiny), ultimately we do have a choice whom to love.  However, we really don’t have a choice over who loves us.  In other words, we cannot force someone to love us (back).  So what is one to do?        

I may not be the best person to answer this question (these days) as I find myself asking others, How do you know if a guy likes you? more times than I’d like to admit.  But I’ll try, as much as possible, to tackle the topic from an unbiased perspective.  So what is the question again?  Oh yeah… what role can we play in getting someone else to like us?  There’s only one way to do it: Be Yourself.  For some this may be the hardest thing to do, but I believe that it’s easiest when the right person is that hopeful recipient.  If you feel like you can be yourself, then, trust me, you know you’ve found the right one. 

So to wrap this up (and return back to my application), let me say this: Whether it’s a new job, new boy, or new opportunity, remember that You Always have a Choice.  You have the Power to Choose Your Own Destiny.  You could spend your whole life waiting…and waiting.  But where’s the fun in that?  The truth is, Everything Happens for a Reason because YOU make it happen when you take that first step, and then another and another after that. 

And one more thing: Those darn butterflies that we love to hate…love them, because they are an indication that something/someone is worth being nervous about.  So embrace those butterflies. Do What You Want. Take Chances. Go After Your Dreams.

 

* I sing * I dream * I love *

don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. you are your own worst enemy, you’ll never win the fight.   2 comments

I know I’m stressed or tired when I talk to my mom about boys, and I’m both stressed and tired when I bring up Casey to her.  While my mom is one of my confidantes now, it wasn’t always the case- due to my own lack of appreciation for her (most likely), so talking to her about boys, let alone the one who (both) had and broke my heart was certainly off topic for us.  But the day came when I finally opened up to her, but to this day I still don’t think she gets it.  How can she (?) since I don’t get it either?

Today I did say his name, but it was unlike any of those other few times before.  Today I said, and I quote, in my rambling, stressed & tired state of mind, soul, and body, “It feels so good to not be thinking about Casey anymore.”  It really does.

With the exception of today, and even amidst all of the go-go-go these past few days, this week has gone fairly well.  How could it not when I spend 3 days in the presence of remarkable kids and 2 days with a dear friend?  Simply put, things have gone fairly well and I’ve felt really good.  I’ve been happy.  Now I’m not exactly sure what the catalyst is, besides the fact that I spent hours upon hours in the presence of newborns, toddlers, and inspirational little warriors (kids).  I personally think there’s a bit more to it.  I think I’ve found out where I belong.

Yesterday I shared that I saw Love and Other Drugs last night and that my review was still being processed.  In talking with my mom earlier, when not about boys, I mentioned that “it will be one of those movies that I’ll watch over and over again to explore the notions it presents and how those personally appeal/connect to me.” 

Without re-watching the movie today, I found myself on the bus back from Soldier Field, following my conversation and epiphany via my mom’s phone call, thinking about the theme that I took from the movie: That it’s okay to need someone else and not always rely only on yourself.

I’ve taken care of myself for so long, especially these last two years, that I confide in my friends that I think I’ll always be single because I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me.  Like other anxiety-ridden and tired nights, tonight I found myself feeding fuel to the fire of this irrational belief that no one will ever be able to let me let him in. 

But after thinking my talk with Dina on Wednesday (wow, that was Wednesday?) as she shared her own storiesI know that it takes the love of the right guy to hold your hand as you continue along the path you’ve chosen to follow.  Thinking about my friends’ loves- Dina included- and the reassuring gift of hope that I’ve recently received in the form a wonderful guy, I see it more clearly than I have in a long time, or perhaps ever.  As for the latter, even if this guy turns out to be another friend along the journey, I’ll take it.  Anyone that can restore my faith that there are good guys still out there is someone who I hope will always be in my life, in whatever capacity I’d be fortunate to hold.  He’s a rare find, that one, and will make some girl extremely happy.  No doubts here.

For at least the second time in the past month, my mom instructed me, during one of our phone calls, “Don’t run away.”  Well Mom, I promise you that I won’t run away anymore.  Not now. Not next time. Not ever.

 

Songs of the Moment: Parachute by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza-E4k_1OE and Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKU3UuJhIxU&feature=related

don’t you think 19 is too young to be played by your dark, twisted games?   2 comments

I’ve sat on this thought for a long time.  Probably at least 6 years, if not more.  But I’m not sure if I have ever voiced it out loud (to myself) or to anyone else.  Instead it’s an idea that has rolled around in my mind time-and-time-again, but I never knew how best to put those thoughts & feelings into words.  Lucky for me, the ever-so-talented Hannah of As Simple As That wrote the words for me:

A role model of mine once talked with me on matters of life & love and a sudden romance that can make the two hold hands with one another. She said the most meaningful kind of love that I would one day encounter is when I am fully full, wholly whole. And I reach out my hand to another who is fully full, wholly whole. And together we will not complete one another. But there will be no denying: we will make one another better. We will be each other’s superb add-ons.

~ Hannah Katy @ www.hannahkaty.com

Thanks so much, Hannah!  Your thoughts have allowed me to find the words to convey mine.  Once again, you are an inspiration.

Every girl knows the line from Jerry Maguire “You complete me.” – that is at fault for furthering our fairy tale notion that we are not complete without another loving us.  Or as my friend, Amanda, told me at my impressionable age of nineteen (or a few days into being twenty), “One day you’ll find your puzzle piece.  Your perfect fit.  Then it will all come together and you’ll be complete.” 

I strongly dislike admitting this, but I believed Amanda’s theory.  There wasn’t a puzzle piece that I didn’t meet (figuratively speaking) that didn’t make me think of her line.  But that was then, and time & experiences have definitely introduced me to new ideas. Who began this urban legend anyways?  Who began this brain-washing belief we are not complete unless we have a ring on our left hand?  Is this another marketing scheme from Hallmark?

Feeding off Hannah’s idea, it is I (me) who makes myself “fully full, wholly whole”.  It is you who makes yourself “fully full, wholly whole”.  I cannot complete you.  You cannot complete me.  But instead, we (as two full, whole people) that can make one another better. 

Sure, I can say that now, with years of lessons learned weighing down my shoulers; however, when you’re a nineteen-year old optimistic, hopeless-romantic and fate comes and sweeps you off your feet, all ration is absent.  The butterflies tingle in your stomach and daydreams fill your head with plans for the your future: yours & his together.  Soon you’re not a “me” but a “we”.  You mistakenly believe that this is your other half; your destiny; la tua cantante; your soulmate.  But in fact, he/she is just another person, another part of the equation instead of half of the whole.  I can say this because I made the mistake, at the ripe young age of 19-20, only to learn the fateful lesson later: You are your own soulmate.  You complete yourself.  When you finally see that for yourself, you are saving yourself from a lot of doubt, confusion, and heartbreak. 

If I only knew what I know now.  When I was 19-years old, a few weeks before my first year at OU, Fate decided to play a game with me.  It released its butterflies and spun my head around a few times one summer afternoon in Athens, leaving me questioning what the heck was that?  To be honest I’m still not sure what “that” was nor everything that followed, but I think it’s best to classify it all as…hmm…a lesson to be learned, perhaps?  Whatever it was, that “lesson” has led me to where I am today.  It’s helped me see that there is no such thing as a soulmate to complete you.  Instead, there is a person out there- many people in fact- that will make you better, but it is always up to you to complete yourself. 

“You cannot expect someone to love you until you love yourself.”  Even though she said it to me years ago (around the age of 20 years old), I can still hear my mom’s voice speaking these words to me.  I’ve mentioned this before, but when she first said it to me my immediate thought was, I’ll love me when someone else loves me.  But now I know the truth: My mom was absolutely 100% right.  I didn’t see it at 19-years old nor at 20, and heck I didn’t even see it at 21, 22, 23, 24, 25, nor the beginning of 26.  But things have changed in the past year and I see it now.  At 27-years old, I finally see it more clearly than ever before.  My foolish thoughts of another completing are long-gone, and instead I strive to find myself in order to better the others I encounter, as they will likewise better me.

I truly believe that all of this and “that’ was part of my life’s journey.  The bumps & bruises and hills & mountains that are helping me become fully full and wholly whole.  I’m not there yet, but I know I’ll get there.  Knowing how far I’ve come since I was 19-years old is proof and my aspirations drive me to keep learning & growing.  Others- family, friends, mentors, love interests- are there to help guide and support me along my way, but I am the one who can complete me.  The only one.  And one day, if completeness is truly possible, I will.  And when I find him, whoever he may be, I know that I’ll be the same- but better.

Song of the Moment: Where Would We Be Now by Good Charlotte

we may look the same, but we are all changed completely forever.   Leave a comment

Before I begin, I have to say that today is a very special day.  Today my dear friends, Darlene & Paul are getting married!!  And tomorrow they leave for their New Mexico honeymoon adventure.  I couldn’t be happier for these two lovely people and the love that they found in one another.  It’s a beautiful thing: L.O.V.E.  They are deserving of so much beauty and happiness, and I feel lucky to have them in my life- for as long as they’ll have me!  When you find people like this in the world, you’ll do everything you can to hold onto them forever.  Congratulations, Darlene & Paul.  Love you!  XOXO

As Darlene adapts to the terms “wife” and “husband” today, I find myself thinking more about last night’s episode of Grey’s Anatomy and the concept of “change”  The wise words of Meredith Grey says it all:

It’s the way people try not to change that’s unnatural. The way we cling to what things were instead of letting things be what they are. The way we cling to old memories instead of forming new ones. The way we insist on believing despite every scientific indication that anything in this lifetime is permanent. Change is constant. How we experience change that’s up to us. It can feel like death or it can feel like a second chance at life. If we open our fingers, loosen our grips, go with it, it can feel like pure adrenaline. Like at any moment we can have another chance at life. Like at any moment, we can be born all over again.

My mom used to “constructively criticize” me (translation: point out my flaws) saying that I am “afraid of change” and horrible accepting it as a fact of life.  Unfortunately for me, she was right.  However, in my defense, I have to say that I’ve gotten A LOT better.  Yes, change is scary.  But it is also inevitable.  We are changed by LOVE.  We are changed by HURT.  We are changed by ENDINGS, and by BEGINNINGS.  We cannot run from change.  We cannot hide from change either.  All we can do is accept that change is bound to happen and when it does, we need to welcome it with open arms and adapt accordingly.  Even though it tends to scare us, change is a beautiful thing and quite necessary sometimes. 

Change isn’t always a physical thing, like moving to a new city, starting a new job, or beginning a new relationship.  Sometimes change entails nothing more than an internal stir-up of new thoughts & coinciding emotions.  We have to commit to these changes otherwise we’ll fall back into our habits.  Okay, obviously I’m speaking too much from my own experiences here, but I think it’s the most impactful way so just go with it.  When we accept changes, we don’t necessarily have to abandon who we are.  I made that mistake once before.  But instead we have to understand that the respective change(s) allow us to grow, and because of this change is good and necessary.

When it comes to L.O.V.E., change can be all-consuming.  When love first enters our life, we are thrown a curveball that we immediately must choose to swing or let it fly past us.  From that point we make choices daily.  Do we hold onto it?  Fight for it?  Or is it time to let go?

I think we can all agree that letting go is the hardest change.  When you truly love someone, the last thing you want to do is say goodbye.  Love convinces you that you can make the other happy and that’s the only way you can be happy.  Let’s face it, love doesn’t always make us happy.  I’ll speak for myself here and say that the love I’ve experienced (for a certain someone) has hurt more because I’ve been fighting too much to keep it alive.  Silly girl, that’s not the love you deserve.  In a completely unselfish way, you have to tell yourself- I love you, but I love me more. It’s time to let you go to let me live.  It’s not easy, but it’s a change that we all need to deem necessary.

Song of the Moment: What I Did For Love performed by Rachel Berry (Lea Michele) on GLEE