show (you) all the beauty you possess, if you only let yourself believe.

‘Let yourself believe’ was the phrase that found a way into my wine-induced mind last night.  As I walked home from Jenny’s condo after a few hours of friend time and guilty pleasure reality TV, I hung out tightly to these three words hopeful that I’d remember in the morning.  As expected, I forgot them.  However, under a combination of luck and boredom, I made myself remember what I was trying so hard not to forget.  ‘Let yourself believe.’ 

Or better yet, my head told my heart, “Kristen, you have to let yourself finally believe.”

After losing steam at work yesterday, I decided to cancel my other plans for some quality downtime with my friend, Jenny.  So I ran home and changed into a simple, comfy outfit and headed over to watch this week’s episode of The Bachelorette over Chinese food, sushi, and a bottle of white wine.  Not only was it the makings of a perfect night, but also exactly what we both needed.  I like to think of it as therapy.

Somewhere between my wine glass being half empty/half full, I asked Jenny, “Do you think you could really go on this show and believe in the process?”  After admitting her uncertainty she posed the same question on me.  She may be sorry she did that become I had enough wine in me to use the words “cynical” and “lying” in one breath before indulging her in some monologue like this: “I just don’t understand why anyone would want to put themselves in this situation.  Why torment yourself?  Love and life make you crazy enough, so what’s the point of going on a reality show that forces you to compete for love?” 

While finding entertainment in this show and having a few crushes over the years (cough JP cough), I promise that you will never see me on a screen with an ABC icon in the corner…unless I get Chris Harrison’s gig.  The main reason is that, while I appear to be bubbly and optimistic, I am far too cynical to believe that anyone would really want to marry me (or anyone else for that matter) after only knowing them for 6 weeks and in this make-believe (TV) land.

Tonight, as I sat on the rooftop with my friend, Sadie, and another bottle of (white) wine, I escaped the summer funk that I’ve found myself to be in and enjoyed the distraction of a good friend.  Throughout our conversation I found myself defending the ‘boy issues’ that the two of us share.  I also found myself thinking, What is wrong with me?  Why cant’ I just let myself believe, just this once, that I deserve ‘it’? 

I swear I want to believe.  The fight against doing so has gotten harder every day.  But for some reason, I keep finding excuses.  More doubts and insecurities that surface when I think I’m almost there.  I’m closer than I’ve ever been.  I know I am.  But something keeps holding me back.  Whether it’s cynicism or those pesky scars that won’t heal, I don’t know.  All I do know is that I’m not letting myself give up.  Not this time.  Not ever again.  But let me ask this question: Why is it so hard to believe that you are deserving of that you seek to find? 

Song of the Moment: Just Say Yes by Snow Patrol

Earlier Post: Promise me you’ll never let me go on a reality show  

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