don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. you are your own worst enemy, you’ll never win the fight.

I know I’m stressed or tired when I talk to my mom about boys, and I’m both stressed and tired when I bring up Casey to her.  While my mom is one of my confidantes now, it wasn’t always the case- due to my own lack of appreciation for her (most likely), so talking to her about boys, let alone the one who (both) had and broke my heart was certainly off topic for us.  But the day came when I finally opened up to her, but to this day I still don’t think she gets it.  How can she (?) since I don’t get it either?

Today I did say his name, but it was unlike any of those other few times before.  Today I said, and I quote, in my rambling, stressed & tired state of mind, soul, and body, “It feels so good to not be thinking about Casey anymore.”  It really does.

With the exception of today, and even amidst all of the go-go-go these past few days, this week has gone fairly well.  How could it not when I spend 3 days in the presence of remarkable kids and 2 days with a dear friend?  Simply put, things have gone fairly well and I’ve felt really good.  I’ve been happy.  Now I’m not exactly sure what the catalyst is, besides the fact that I spent hours upon hours in the presence of newborns, toddlers, and inspirational little warriors (kids).  I personally think there’s a bit more to it.  I think I’ve found out where I belong.

Yesterday I shared that I saw Love and Other Drugs last night and that my review was still being processed.  In talking with my mom earlier, when not about boys, I mentioned that “it will be one of those movies that I’ll watch over and over again to explore the notions it presents and how those personally appeal/connect to me.” 

Without re-watching the movie today, I found myself on the bus back from Soldier Field, following my conversation and epiphany via my mom’s phone call, thinking about the theme that I took from the movie: That it’s okay to need someone else and not always rely only on yourself.

I’ve taken care of myself for so long, especially these last two years, that I confide in my friends that I think I’ll always be single because I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me.  Like other anxiety-ridden and tired nights, tonight I found myself feeding fuel to the fire of this irrational belief that no one will ever be able to let me let him in. 

But after thinking my talk with Dina on Wednesday (wow, that was Wednesday?) as she shared her own storiesI know that it takes the love of the right guy to hold your hand as you continue along the path you’ve chosen to follow.  Thinking about my friends’ loves- Dina included- and the reassuring gift of hope that I’ve recently received in the form a wonderful guy, I see it more clearly than I have in a long time, or perhaps ever.  As for the latter, even if this guy turns out to be another friend along the journey, I’ll take it.  Anyone that can restore my faith that there are good guys still out there is someone who I hope will always be in my life, in whatever capacity I’d be fortunate to hold.  He’s a rare find, that one, and will make some girl extremely happy.  No doubts here.

For at least the second time in the past month, my mom instructed me, during one of our phone calls, “Don’t run away.”  Well Mom, I promise you that I won’t run away anymore.  Not now. Not next time. Not ever.

 

Songs of the Moment: Parachute by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza-E4k_1OE and Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKU3UuJhIxU&feature=related

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2 thoughts on “don’t believe the things you tell yourself so late at night. you are your own worst enemy, you’ll never win the fight.

  1. hi, i just ran into your blog while surfing the internet, i dont know who you are, or when did you wrote this, but its actually how i’m feeling right now and nothing but your words could describe it better. i’m from venezuela (south america) and i am really impressed with your blog, the way you write is amazing, and it probably sounds weird or something (sorry about that) but where I live people are just the opposite of open minded, and it’s really hard to find someone who makes you feel complete, sorry if i’m redundant, i don’t know i just wanted to say i really like your blog and probably i’ll read post by post until i have read all your blog. (sorry about my english grammar). oh btw i quoted your post on my blog, if you don’t want that please tell me and i’ll delete it.

    1. Hi! Thank you so much for your comment! While I remember using this title in a post once, I had to go back and re-read it to see what I wrote. Besides that, I am so glad that you came across my blog to help you feel like you could connect with something. As the person behind the blog, I must say it means so much to me! I hope you do read through the other posts. This blog has helped me grown immensely as it’s allowed me to be honest about my thoughts, feelings, doubts, and insecurities- which is more important than gaining this through others. I truly believe (now) that all that matters is being complete within yourself.

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