twenty seconds of insane courage.

Sometimes all you need is twenty seconds of insane courage, just literally twenty seconds of embarrassing bravery, and I promise you something great will come of it. (Benjamin Mee)

It’s a Saturday night and I am perfectly content sitting on my couch in sweatpants, a ponytail, and leftover make-up from brunch this morning- watching Grey’s Anatomy.  Sitting here now, I’m not sure why I even bother with the crazy Chicago bar scene most weekend nights because this is proving to be better than any Too Loud- Too Crowded bar right now.  (Someone please remind me that I said this next weekend when I’m responding to text messages about where to go.) 

Since I’m in for the night- hopefully, at least- I’ve decided to ease some internal uncertainties and PMS-induced hormones through the powerful remedy of blog therapy.  And after coming across the quote above (via Pinterest), which is from the movie, We Bought A Zoo, I think that I need twenty seconds of insane courage tonight.  Just a mere twenty seconds to say some things that I’ve been hiding inside of me, frankly because I’ve been too afraid to do so.  But here it goes, for the next twenty seconds…

It’s been a rough year.  Between the job changes and extra hours of grad classes, grad school assignments, and grad school life stress, I’ve found myself overwhelmed and/or numb at various points.  But while that is expected with the territory, I will say that the financial issues (student loan problems, loss of jobs, absence of unemployment payments, bills bills bills) are what has pushed me over the edge.  Honestly, I can’t remember too many nights this past year when I wasn’t stressing about (not having) money.  But despite these challenges, I’ll admit that I’ve really lost sight of myself this year.  In fact, in comparison to this time last year, I’m not sure if I’m really the same (similar) person as I was before grad school began last August.  I’m going to leave it at that instead of creating a laundry of “my issues”. 

So what’s happened to me?  How did I let myself go, and why?  And can I (finally) get back to being myself again…or do I have to wait until grad school ends next year?  Can’t I just please feel better, once and for all??!!

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