Archive for the ‘these dreams of mine…’ Tag

to sleep, perchance to dream.   2 comments

2:37 am: The time my clock read when I unfortunately woke last night from a dream I wish I was still dreaming.  Actually it was a dream that I wish wasn’t just a dream but instead my reality.  Rolling back over I thought about falling back asleep right away hoping to continue the dream, but even my half-awake mind knew very well that I’d be more likely to have a nightmare than find myself back in Tuesday Night’s Dream: Act 2.  So instead I laid awake in my bed and daydreamed about my dream.  It felt so real. So nice.  It was such a simple dream; simple enough to be real. 

Selena and I escaped the office today to feed her 8-months pregnancy cravings with Noodles & Company.  In the car she told me about two dreams of hers from the past week.  Both of her dreams were simple and quite realistic.  In fact both dreams came true, foreshadowing moments in her awakened life.  I asked her if she woke up shortly after the message was announced (in her dream).  “Yes… a little bit after,” she replied.

And that’s what happened to me last night.  Shortly after the hopefully foreshadowing message was received in my subconscious mind, I woke up and stayed awake until 3:17 just think about the dream.  It really was a simple dream.  Though very heartfelt.  It meant something to me, and that’s why I’m not going to share the details of it.  So here’s to hoping that in some way, shape or form that dream becomes my reality. 

The best way to make your dreams come true is to wake up. ~ Paul Valery

when the elevator door opens, you never know who will be on the other side.   Leave a comment

Grey’s Anatomy, and your damn elevators!  If you’re a Grey’s watcher then you know exactly what I’m talking about.  Unfortunately my elevator moment didn’t involve a hot make-out session with a hot doctor.  Instead, my elevator door opened and well…there he was.  (My “he” not McDreamy.)  When the elevator door opens, you cannot run & hide.  You must face what’s right ahead of you.  So I did.  But then again, it was just a dream and like all dreams I eventually woke up.

As my new friend & blog reader, Laura, asked me the other day in response to one of my posts: “Does that mean you’ll be moving on?”   My response, “I hope I can move on. I’m going to try my hardest this time, but you know how this story tends to go.”

Bonus: Meredith & Derek’s Elevator Proposal on Grey’s Anatomy & The Story of Meredith & Derek

Posted September 26, 2010 by K in chicago, dreams

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mama, you taught me to do the right things, so now you have to let your baby fly.   Leave a comment

The first time I heard this song, Mama’s Song by Carrie Underwood, I got the chills.  How does she do it?  How do her songs always find a way of hitting the nail on the head, with respect to my life circumstances?  For all you non-country music fans (or pop-country, whichever you see it as), you can roll your eyes but I’m just speaking the truth.  Yesterday I watched her new video for the song and the chills now turned to tears.  I teared up.   And I’m not what the real reason was…

…and I just watched it again and still not certain.  Let’s try a multiple choice question here, okay?  (Like you have a choice.) 

A) “As you watch me walk down to my future, I hope tears of joy are in your eyes”- I miss my mom. I miss my dad.  I miss my brother.  I miss home.             B) “And he is good, so good”- Makes me think of a certain guy that I held onto for a long time.  Can I officially move on?            C) “He makes promises he keeps, no he’s never go to leave.  So don’t worry about me.”– Makes me wonder, with hope, if that’s ever going to happen to me…and when.             D) “And when I watch my baby grow up, I’ll only want what’s best for her and I hope she’ll find the answer to my prayers.”– Will I ever be a mom?             E) All of the above.

(I called my mom.  No answer, and I decided not to leave a rambling message nor trying reaching her on her cell.)

It’s been a long day so please bear with me.  Last night I had one of those frustrating nights when you have to wake up really early and you cannot fall asleep.  My alarm went off at 4 today…yes 4 AM…on a Saturday and I trekked off to the suburbs via the lovely trains & buses of Chicago.  About two hours after leaving my apartment I arrived at my destination: The Brookfield Zoo for the Muscular Dystrophy Association’s Stride & Ride (as a Make-A-Wish volunteer).  Another great event that I was fortunate to be a part of.  The kids & families are amazing and inspirational to me., reminding me how important this field of work is to me.  Secondly, the Brookfield Zoo is gorgeous!  I cannot wait to go back and spend an entire day there.  *If you’re ever in Chicago, definitely take a trip there (via the Metra) as well as the Lincoln Park Zoo.  (Note: The LPZ is free admission.)

Every time I attend an event like this I am overwhelmed with emotions, similar to the ones that the Carrie Underwood song brings on.  Questions run around my mind:  Why do I feel so alive in this environment?  Why does it come so naturally to me?  Will I ever find a job that lets me do this all the time?  Is this what I’m ‘meant to be’?  How adorable are these kids!!?  Will I ever have kids?  Will I ever get married?  Will I ever find someone to love me?  Will I ever let someone?   Will I ever truly love myself?

Here’s the thing about dreamers:  There is always a dream to be dreamt.  Disappointment may decrease the scale of some dreams, but dreamers will never stop dreaming.  I cannot remember a time in my life when I wasn’t dreaming.  Ever since I was a little girl, my imagination was always running wild.  Sure those dreams begin with Cinderella stories and impractical fantasies, but soon your mind begins envisioning (more) achievable possibilities.  Before you know it, you’re gaining independence by saying goodbye to your parents (until holiday break) and adventuring off into the world of the unknown.  From that point on, life will never been the same again. 

Dreamers cannot ignore their dreams- trust me, I’ve tried.  I’ll be honest here and say that I wish I didn’t dream so much.  I wish I really could just move back to Pittsburgh- be closer to my family- and be happy.  When I think about it, really thinking about it, I know I’d just be giving up and I wouldn’t be happy.  So I keep dreaming.  Dreaming of the happiness that I’ve been told exists and staying as optimistic as possible in a world of haters and cynics.  A world that can crush our childhood dreams in a matter of seconds over something as meaningless as an email.  Knowing that could easily destroy a dreamer, make her stop dreaming…but a dreamer will still dream.  We dream because our mothers taught us to believe in our dreams.  To fight for we believe in.  To believe that anything is possible if we dream it. 

I’ve watched that video three times now and each time I think- Carrie Underwood’s mother must be so proud of her.  Not because she’s successful for her music & celebrity, but for the grace and beauty she possesses.  For taking changes and going after her dreams.  All a mother wants is for her daughter to be happy and  the daughter wants to make her mom proud.  So to my mom and all the mothers out there, as we explore the world and chase after our dreams, please remember that we carry you with us everywhere we go.  It is because of your love, encouragement, and support that we have dreams to go after in the first place.

Don’t Forget to Remember Me- Carrie Underwood

i learned to live half alive and now you want me one more time   5 comments

I hear you’re asking all around if I am anywhere to be found
But I have grown too strong to ever fall back in your arms

~ Christina Perri, Jar of Hearts

So You Think You Can Dance has done it again!  Another inspiring performance that brought repressed emotions to the surface for me.  This performance to the beautiful song, Jar of Hearts, was done a few weeks ago but I wasn’t yet ready to write about it.  I am now.  Here is the performance in case you want to watch it for yourself.

While the performance centers around an ex-boyfriend who returns to the one whose heart he broke, I found myself moved with thought of my own ex-boyfriends: Anxiety & Depression.  Two ex-boyfriends that I’ve kicked out many times before, but found myself giving my heart to them again (and again) when they say and “I promise I’ve changed” and “it will be different this time”

Why do I always believe them?  They’ll never change.  I’m such a fool. 

I’ve shared that Anxiety has been banging at my door these past few days, hoping that I’ll give him another chance.  But what I didn’t see coming is that Depression was hiding behind him.  Together they know how to bring me down, using their sweet words and reverse-psychology to break down my walls.  They rip my heart out every time, ganging up on my weaker self to surrender to their superiority.   

They don’t even see me as anything more than another souvenir for their collection.  I’m just another heart to them.   I give them my all and they just break me into a thousand like puzzle pieces knowing that I’ll never be able to put them back together correctly and be whole again.

Each time I gather up enough strength to break-up with them (either together or one at a time), I always have the gut feeling that they’ll find their way back in again.  Unfortunately, I’m usually right.  Still I long for the day when I know that they’re both gone for good.

I woke up from a dream this morning, one that I wish my alarm clock didn’t ruin by waking me up.  Apparently it was my wedding day but the actual wedding never took place in the dream.  Still, my family and friends were present, as well as what I presume to be my dress.  Even the groom’s family and friends were there.  The groom never made an appearance, although I knew exactly who he was, and in my dream I remember explaining to myself that were following tradition by not seeing one another on the actual day. 

Can I admit that I woke up disappointed?  For one, yes, I did not want to go into work this morning.  (What else is new?)  But honestly, even in my groggy state I realized that as long as Anxiety is in my life, I doubt that there will ever be a potential groom by my side nor a ring on any of these fingers.  It makes me so sad to say that, but it’s true.

For anyone who has ever battled anxiety, you know that it holds you back from…well…everything.  It helps you become your own worst enemy.  You and Anxiety are a couple and therefore, there’s no room for anyone else in your life.  I’ve wasted so much time and energy by being in this relationship.  A few months ago I really thought that it was over.  I hadn’t heard from him in a while and I was feeling so strong, maybe even happy.  But that strength has been dwindling and I just hope I can get it back up before he attacks.

Dreams like last night remind me who I want to me.  I’m anxiety-free in my dreams.  There are no limits in my dreams.  I’m who I want to be in my dreams.  I have a place in this world.  I am capable of loving and accepting love in return.  I feel whole.

But when I wake up those good feelings are quickly replaced and I find myself trapped in a world of limits once again.  Why do I let Anxiety do this to me?  I feel like I’m half alive.  I know I’m walking but I can hardly think or feel what I’m doing.  If anything, I feel numb.  Sometimes I can feel the pain, but mostly I’ll just feel numb- that is if I feel anything at all.

I’ve let anxiety hold me back for years that I really only know how to live with it.  Horrible, isn’t it?  The sad thing is, I know I’m not the only one.  But like many others who suffer from this bad ex-boyfriend disease, we wonder will I ever feel alive (when awake) again?  Or does that only exist in a dream?

a dream is a wish your heart makes   Leave a comment

I had a dream…last night.  There’s no real significant, earth-shattering proclamations to come out of my dream, but it definitely had me thinking about things during breakfast this morning.  It was my wedding rehearsal/wedding day- you know how dreams blur all the details together- and the wedding was taking place in Cleveland.  Which is definitely never going to happen in real life IF this girl ever ties the knot.  However, I must give my dream-filled mind credit for the rationale behind the location because it was 2 hours from Pittsburgh (my hometown) and 2 hours from Columbus (the groom’s hometown). 

Now who was the groom?  Now that’s a secret I’ll never tell.  You know you love me.  XOXO.  Okay, I was watching a few episodes of Gossip Girl before writing this so forgive me.  The groom, although he never physically appeared in the dream, all the signs and acknowledgements indiciated that it was ‘him’…the one and only guy I’ve ever even thought twice about marrying.  His friends & parents were there, as well as mine- and even random people from my past were there in attendance.  From what I remember, Libby was my MOH and Brandon was maybe in my wedding party too.  Also at the wedding were my Make-A-Wish colleagues.  I remember introducing them to the other guests and sharing that the groom was working for the Cubs.

So let’s recap.  I was getting married to my dream guy; working my dream job, and from the sound of it, he was too; living in Chicago (still); and I was getting married in Cleveland.  Okay, 3 out of 4 dream scenarios really isn’t that bad.  I mean do you understand why I didn’t want to wake up from that dream?

But I had to.  Actually I had to wake up fairly early for a Sunday because today was another Make-A-Wish volunteer day for me (!!!) at the Oncology Child Life picnic at the University of Chicago’s Wyler Children’s Hospital.  Today was another unforgettable day for me as I spent time giving children (patients and former patients), their siblings, and parents the opportunity to play, smile, laugh, and most importantly, forget their problems for a few hours. 

The happenings of today are special for me, and I have to share that I’ve never received so many ‘Thank Yous’ in this city as I did today.  Gracious parents were just happy to see their little boys & girls being kids.  Sure some kids were healthier than others and a few kids showed physical signs of chemo, but I can tell you that not one of those kids showed signs of weakness.  It was their resilience that inspired me today…and tomorrow…many tomorrows.

You’re changing that boy’s life.  No, he’s changing mine. (The Blind Side)

The quote above popped into my head during the picnic and it’s still running through there today.  Being a volunteer for Make-A-Wish and Children’s Memorial Hospital are very important opportunities for me.  Instead of stating the never-ending reasons why I feel this way, I’ll stick to the relevance of the quote above. 

Since proclaiming my admiration for Make-A-Wish many years ago and sharing my desire to become a Child Life Specialist, I have been told by many  people how they “couldn’t do that” and “ohmygosh, that would be so hard”.  As I’ve said many times before and again to my mom on the phone today, I can do this.  I want to do this.  You’ll never hear me say that this is easy work…not once.  Instead you’ll hear me say that I am committed to serving these kids & families to the best of my ability, no matter what my role may be (ie. volunteer, staff, Child Life Specialist). 

“It has taken me 26 1/2 years to figure out what I want to do with my life, but now I know and this is it.”  Now that I know exactly what I want to do, my impatience is what’s getting to me.  I’m ready to start now.  While I’m thankful for the volunteer opportunities I’ve been allotted, I cannot help but hope to spend more of my time- all of my time- dedicated to what I strongly believe is my calling.  Like I’ve said, it’s taken me a long time to figure this out, and yes, I know I’m young, but I’ve also spend a long of wasted time dreaming of what I could do and now that I uncovered my real wishes, I want to turn them into my reality. 

“Everything happens for a reason,” as told to me by my new friend, Dina, today.  After opening up to me about her journey, as well as sharing that she is a CLS and Make-A-Wish employee, I told her that I know she’s right.  I’ve heard this phrase a thousand times before, but today I really heard it.  I know it’s true.  I couldn’t say it isn’t knowing that I’m sitting here tonight analyzing what I just wrote, about 20 months after taking a chance and moving to the big city.  Everything happens for reason.  But we also cannot sit back and hope that every good thing that we dream magically appears.  Fate only takes you so far and the rest is up to you to make it happen.

you once told me, our fingerprints don’t fade from the lives we touch. is that true for everybody, or is it just poetic bullshit?   14 comments

Women and elephants never forget.

Dorothy Parker

Another night, another dream about the past.  I hold Facebook responsible for placing old friends and memories into my subconscious mind.  From what I can recall, last night’s dream was centered around a high school basketball game where many of my former teammates were present.  Come to think of it, within this dream was another memory from all the way back from a fourth grade basketball game.  Seriously, who remembers this kind of stuff?

After waking up this morning, I laid in bed for twenty minutes, attempting to fall back asleep, and my reminiscent mind was flying around in all kinds of directions.  While part of me enjoyed thinking about these memories, truth be told, it’s also kind of painful.  My friend, Matt (MT), used to tell me that I was running away.  At the time I couldn’t see it this way, but now I know that he was absolutely right.

I just watched the trailer for Eat.Pray.Love. , starring Julia Roberts (based on a true story and novel by Elizabeth Gilbert).  In the trailer the mother of the female lead character (Julia Roberts) says to her: “Oh my baby,  always searching for something.” 

Was she talking to me?

Anyways while my journey and life experience are different from hers, I easily see myself in her respective scenarios.  It was hard to watch. While soul-searching is meant to bring (eventual) inner peace, serenity, assurance, and confidence, there is a long, exhausting process that one must go through to achieve such beauty.  And when it all comes together, it is beautiful.  It’s what keeps us going on the cold, rainy days.  We know that there are better days to come, and we’ll appreciate them more because of the ones before.

The title of this blog struck me as fitting after choosing to write about this morning’s occurrence.   (It’s a quote from the movie, Remember Me, which I’ve yet to see and hope it doesn’t disappoint.)  While I found myself thinking about people from my past, I also inevitably wondered, have my fingerprints completely faded from others’ lives that I once touched? Do people think of me (every now and then) the way I think of them?  And if so, how do they perceive me?

That’s the thing about Facebook that I really find daunting.  You’re ‘friends’ with these people from your past, but how well do you really know one another years after the high school ‘friendship’ or ‘acquaintances’ runs its course?  Don’t get me wrong, it’s great to see a former classmate get engaged/married or become a mother/father.  And I love catching up with an older friend over a few messages.  However, with me being in Chicago and away from the Hampton social scene for 7-8 years now, that’s really where it ends.  So other than Facebook status updates, Happy Birthday postings, and an occasion message here and there, how can we really still call these people from our past ‘friends’?

In this never-ending  search that I seem to be on, I cannot help also wonder how others see me.  For the most part I’ve learned to not care what other people think of me, but I am human so of course there are occasions every now and then.  But it’s not the typical judgments and characterizing that I’m talking about, but rather what impact do I have one the lives of others? And maybe I should rephrase that because I don’t just mean my (real) friends and family members per say.  But those acquaintance/friends that don’t really know you, and the people that you come across once in a blue moon.

Did my simple smile brighten the worst day of their life?  Did I compliment their outfit and it just so happened to erase their “I feel fat in this” mentality?  Did I talk with a little kid at the store and it made him feel like the most important person in the world?

It’s these little moments that make me who I am and brighten me day as well.  Those barista/friends of mine constantly heighten my mood with their chit-chat, and I still remember Bradley who complimented my ‘cutest rainboots ever’.  These simple gestures stay with you longer than you could ever expect.  I mean here I am on Saturday night writing a post about these people, and they don’t even know it.

Do you ever wonder why you remember certain insignificant moments (or so they seem to be at the time)?  And why sometimes you forget the big, highly anticipated endeavors?

And let’s blame this on the glass of wine sitting next to me, but have my fingerprints faded from the lives that I may have once touched?  I, myself, find that I commonly hold on to memories that I wish I could go back and change…(cough) Casey (cough) being the main one.  Why don’t his fingerprints ever seem to fade?  Will they ever?  And better questions, have my fingerprints completely faded from him?

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You were given life; it is your duty (and also your entitlement as a human being) to find something beautiful within life, no matter how slight.

Happiness is the consequence of personal effort. You fight for it, strive for it, insist upon it and sometimes even travel around the world looking for it.


Elizabeth Gilbert (Eat, Pray, Love: One Woman’s Search for Everything Across Italy, India and Indonesia)

when you’re dreaming with a broken heart, the waking up is the hardest part   1 comment

I woke up this morning from a wonderful dream about my latest crush.  Apparently he was my boyfriend and from the impression that I got, we were a very happy couple.  We were spending time with his family and friends, and he seemed so proud to introduce me as his girlfriend.  It’s dreams like these that you don’t want to ever wake up from…especially when you’ve been a victim of a broken heart for so long.  New crushes and dreams about them make you believe that your broken heart can mend, and hopefully be whole again.

I used to call myself a dreamer, which is even what my new star tattoo stands for.  However, over time, I’ve learned that even dreamers need to stop only dreaming and start acting on these dreams & subconscious desires.  I love this quote on Alisha’s Facebook page: Life itself is the most wonderful fairy tale. (Hans Christian Andersen).  Some dreams are truly magical- allowing us to accomplish the things we only imagine ourselves doing in real life.  But the thing about dreams is that we will always wake up from them, and therefore, the only way to be happy is to make these dreams your reality.   

As much as I wanted to stay in bed and fall back to sleep in hopes of continuing that dream (which never happens), I had a spinning class to get my butt to.  To make sure I didn’t ditch it, I made plans to meet Lauren there.  To my surprise, we had a substiute instructor today….the fantastically, energizing, therapeutic, and always-entertaining, Mr. Brian Heckler.  If you ever see this face at your gym, immediately find out when his next spin class is.  Trust me. 

Let me backtrack just a bit.  So Barbie, my former Trainer and Fit Chicks Group Instructor, told me for weeks that I should take one of Brian’s spin classes…but at that time I had never taken spinning and honestly, it intimidated me.  However, with my new motto do the things you’d regret not doing and live in the moment, I opted to take my first spin class with Barbie one fateful Wednesday evening.  I’m so glad that 1) I took Brian’s class as my first spinning experience, and 2) that Barbie was there to coach me along.  Brian’s class was the best (technically) free therapy session.  Not only was his music motivating and fun, but he would entertain us with his singing to Madonna, Kelly Clarkson, The All-American Rejects (Gives You Hell is the best spin song!), and the Fame soundtrack.  Oh yeah, if you didn’t come to the conclusion yourself, he is gay.  I could go on and on about dear Brian and my love or spining, but I’ll just say that he is responsible for bringing out my inner Spinning Guru.

While spin class was far from easy, I walked out of the gym feeling a big high on life, as well as sweaty and in needed of some caffeine- which is why I visited my lovely baristas at Starbucks.  But on my walk back, I was thinking about my crush.  It’s so nice to have a crush- although I don’t know if it will go anywhere or not.  It just makes me a little bit happier, or perhaps less anxiety-ridden.

Now I’m back at my apartment and taking some K-time before embarking on my internship application and Bachelorette party cleaning, decorating, and shopping.  We’ll see if I can stay this calm for the remaining of the day.  Here’s to hoping.  Happy weekend everyone!  ♥K

P.S. Love the Glee Cast’s version of Gives You Hell.  Hope you enjoy!