Archive for the ‘i think too much’ Tag
Once again I feel the need to apologize. Here I am claiming to be an open book on my blog, yet I’ve been anything but that lately… for the most part. There are many things that I’ve haven’t shared on here, including one incredible day (on Sunday) as a volunteer with Karma Kitchen and my acceptance into the Child Life grad program (here in Chicago).
So many notes and lists are floating around my go-go-go world and none of them seem to say: STOP! Where is that note again? Fortunately I’ve grown accustomed to literally telling myself, “Just Breathe.” which helps to some degree. I swear I cannot keep track of my life these days, which leads me to having no idea what tomorrow holds until tomorrow is today. And on top of that, my apartment is a mess and I have no energy (nor time) to do anything about it.
The truth is this: I am exhausted. I am drained- mentally, emotionally, and physically. And when I’m at this point, my mind can not help but think, think, and think some more. And besides not having much time, this is another reason why I haven’t been blogging too much lately. While writing is typically my therapy on over-thinking days, I’ve been having difficulty finding the words to express my worries, doubts, and troubled mind’s rumblings.
In last night’s shortest post ever I shared a quote with you… one that has been sitting in my draft box for months anxiously waiting to be set free into blog world. Yes, this infamous line of Carrie Bradshaw’s speaks of love, but my usage of the quote here is addressing the aged-old question, How do you really know when it’s right? This question can be asked with regards to other aspects in life, besides love; however, we tend to first focus all our efforts on this most sought after topic.
When my mind is tired I tend to struggle deciphering the difference between My Thoughts & My Feelings. While I’ve gotten into the habit of forcing myself to get some sleep and come back to it in the morning when I sense exhaustion taking over, it’s not always the possible solution (ie. 1 pm on a weekday). So what’s a girl to do in that case? How does she really know when her feelings are right? To answer both questions with one answer, She Must Know Herself Fully & Completely Because No One Else Can Tell Her What She Feels and What is Really Right But Her.
I am the only person who can decide what is right for me; and You are the only person that can decide what is right for you.
To continue with the open book theme here, I’ll admit that I intended to use that SATC quote as an ice breaker for addressing my own questions of: How do you really know if someone is right for you? How do you really know if someone is worth your time & effort? How do you really know that your ‘feeling’ isn’t just another tired thought conceived by hope? How do you really know that this time is going to be different? How do you really know that you’re right for that someone?
One of the most beautiful things and most frustrating things (in life) is that you don’t know what’s really right. That feeling may very well be a thought, or that thought a (mistaken) feeling. You don’t know what’s really right, but you let yourself give it a go anyways. You let yourself think positively and confidently that this may really be right (this time); and more importantly, let yourself feel…everything. If you’re lucky, maybe this is that time when it’s finally right. But maybe it isn’t that time yet; so if not, don’t give up…never give up…just let yourself keep feeling and one day it will be the right time, the right place, and the right someone.
Another whirlwind week for this girl. Again I find myself in disbelief that it is Friday night. What even happened this week? Being sick is what threw a curveball into my typical routine, and oh yeah, my friend Laura was in town for 1.5 days. Now it’s all coming back to me…
I sit here tonight, preparing for an early bedtime because I have an early wake-up call in order to meet Laura at the Megabus stop at 6:15 am. Yes, the same Laura. It’s a long story but in essence, she’s in town to interview for a position that would bring about her relocation to the city.
So what does that mean for me? Why am I writing about this tonight? I’m not sure, but I do feel the need to get my feelings out of my head. I’m not going to digest everything, but I’ll start by asking myself the question: Am I really okay with staying in Chicago if Laura moves here? That is the most important question and the first of many.
Somehow I found myself talking about a new roommate, new apartment, and new neighborhoods… all in Chicago. Seriously, is this what I want? I don’t know.
It was only a few days ago that I was talking to a few friends about applying for a job at the children’s hospital in Seattle; researching internships and grad programs in Austin, San Francisco, Boston, and Columbus; and sitting on a dream about moving to Florida for my ultimate job. And now I’m close to agreeing on signing a new lease to keep me here in Chicago. Again, is this what I really want?
The squirrels were running around in my head last night as I tried control all of the thoughts: Do I like it here? Do I want a roommate? After living alone for the past two years, can I even live with someone? Do I want to move to a new apartment, new neighborhood? Do I want to stay in Chicago? Can I still handle being at my job for another year?
Worrying about all this stuff isn’t going to give e any answers. So what is the answer? What do I want the answer to be? If I closed my eyes right now, or kept them open, I could image what I want my life to look like…and I’m okay with it being here in Chicago. I really am. I know that it will never look the way I imagine it, but I know that some of those images are capable of becoming true. And even though my recent daydreams and ‘what if’s have taken me to Seattle and Orlando, I’m not really seeing myself in either place- even if the opportunities are part of my dream.
So where does that leave me?
This Chicago…isn’t it the same Chicago that I previously announced as “not feeling like home to me” and “I don’t feel like I belong here”? Isn’t it funny how things change? Here I was, struggling to find my place and the feeling of belonging here, and after two years I think I may finally be onto something. Perhaps the stars have been working their way to align this whole time. How can I walk away now? Am I supposed to stay? Do I belong here now?
I’ve come to the conclusion that Chicago has been my boyfriend for the past two years. I should probably update my Facebook account to read “It’s Complicated” as my relationship status- tagging Chicago if at all possible. (Hmmmm…) It’s been quite a roller coaster ride of what I describe as “good days, bad days”, but knowing that I’m still here, 2 years later, is proof that I’ve never given up the fight. Even amidst the heartbreak and lonely nights, I still continue to give this relationship chance after chance.
Some relationships are worth fighting for and maybe this one means more to me than I realize(d). Only time will tell…
It’s still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. — Eat, Pray, Love
I thought, maybe it’s a sign, after I saw a sign for tarot card readings last night and again this morning. Hmmm…maybe I should have it done here. Afterall I’ve always been curious. So I posted “to get my tarot cards read or not to” as my Facebook status today (for fun) and this is what my dear friend Darlene responded: Nah … even if there’s some truth to it, life’s better as a mystery. Isn’t that the truth…even though I am still curious about having my tarot cards and/or palm read. (Sorry Darlene!)
I’ve been on vacation here in New Jersey with my family for the past 3 days and spent most of my time relaxing and thinking about as little as I possibly can. Okay, I’ll admit that, for me, isn’t w0rry-free, mindless thinking but it’s better that normal- and I’ll take that.
As I laid on the beach this afternoon, in between naps, I wondered what question would I even ask during my tarot card (if I went). What do I want to ask about? A few concepts came to mind…
Earlier this afternoon I found myself standing in the shallow water saying “I would have my wedding here” to my mom. (Seriously?!!) Her response,“Well did you find who the groom would be yet?” (Yes. Maybe. I hope so. Casey. I don’t know.) Amidst the thoughts running through my mind, my excuse was “I don’t see myself finding ‘him’ in Chicago,” and then rambled about how I believe that I have to figure my life out (aka ‘my shit’) first before the groom (re)enters my life.
Hello, it’s me again
It’s three days now that you’ve been in my dreams
And i don’t know, i guess you’ve just been on my mind
I don’t know, i guess I think about you all the
I promise I haven’t done too much thinking these past few days. I’ve actually slept more than I have in weeks; however, I’ve awoken from dreams that have caused me to think…and think so more. When ‘he’ is in my dream, I cannot help but think of him throughout the next day. I’ve dreamt about him the past few nights, maybe even weeks, and therefore I’ve spent a lot of time- more than I’d like to admit- thinking about him and revisiting the past.
As much as you hate reading about him, I hate thinking (and writing) about him. But it happens and I’ve learned to live this way for many years now. It’s gotten better but then again I find myself lost in memories and ‘what ifs’ more days than not. Like these past few days. With regular dreams occurring, I have a hard time shaking him off in my waking hours. And today, just randomly thinking about the ‘what if wedding’, why is he the only name that pops into my mind?
In deciding whether or not to get my tarot cards read today, I knew that, either way, I’d have some anxiety upon me. I know, I know. It’s probably fake. But you cannot tell me that you’ve never been influenced by something that someone had told you? That’s how I would have been today, for me.
Life’s better as a mystery. I think of these words that Darlene wrote today and realize not to stress about the thoughts that run around my mind. Why do we stress about the mystery of our future? Why do we roll around in our beds at night, sleepless, with anxiety about what our tomorrows may bring?
I’ve been sitting on the concept for this post for the past three days. On Friday night, at the end of a 3-hour phone call with my Libby (one of my best friends since college who currently resides in Atlanta), I found myself immediately captivated with an unforeseen thought as our conversation led to a familiar topic from our past.
Yes, it involves a boy. A boy who Libby and I have had many discussions about over the past 6-7 years. Yes, that boy. However, this is a universal topic and could be about anyone- and is the point that I’m hoping to make. But who am I kidding? This focuses on ‘him’.
Even with an adventurous weekend in Chicagoland with my guests, Carrie & Ben, I could not shake this idea that centers around lyrics from Ingrid Michaelson’s Giving Up, which includes those used as this post’s title: What if I’m not what you think I am? I thought about this in the shower, in between sips of wine, while drinking a potent Ultimate Margarita from Cesar’s, during the tripptastic Blue Man Group performance, and before finally falling asleep on Friday, Saturday, and Sunday nights. Let me explain.
Blame it on the wine (because I can), but I found the need to ask Libby a very simple question that evoked an unexpected answer. First let me add that Lib was a little drunk and therefore misheard my question, leading her to elicit a different response. But no matter what, the topic was still relatively the same . So, am I glad I asked? Yes. Why not? But was I caught off guard? Absolutely! Okay, I’ll cut to the chase.
The question that Lib thought I asked elicited her response to tell me that she was “so glad that you (I) asked.” After a few sentences of explanation, Lib informed me that (he) was ‘not a good guy’ and that her boyfriend mentioned that he had been ‘going through something back then’. (Of course I immediately started to worry about him, prompting Lib for answers.)
Now I know I’m being vague here but it has a lot to do with me not being sure what to think, what to believe. When I first heard this from one of my best friends, I, of course, took it to heart. How could I not? Afterall I’d trust her with my life and if she heard something like this firsthand then I know she felt it was right to tell me. Within seconds of hearing those little phrases, I started questioning who he really was: Did I have it all wrong all along? What did I think I saw in him that was so different from that? Is he really ‘not a good guy’?
Three days later and I’m still wondering what the truth is, of course factoring in the wine (for both parties on the call) and the fact that 1) that was between 4-6 years ago; and 2) people’s opinions are not always accurate. That being said, how do I know that mine was the right? Was I blinded by love? Or worse, by lust? Part of me feels foolish, and the other part keeps saying, follow your heart. You know what you felt (feel). Trust that instinct.
This is far from a life-and-death situation so I’m not really stressing over it too much, but it is something for my overthinking mind to, well, think about. Up until Friday, to me he was perfect. Flawless. Or maybe it’s better to say that I loved him above any thing that could be perceived as a flaw. I loved him because of his flaws. He was (is) someone who I care enough about to willingly sacrifice my own happiness for his each and every day. Isn’t that what love is all about? Seeing an imperfect person perfectly? Can I please throw in a blah, blah, blah there? Guess I just did.
You know I’ve never had someone look at me the way he did. And I’ve never looked at someone the way I looked at him either. That’s what sticks with me the most after all these years. I’m still haunted wondering, what did he see in me? How did I make him feel?
What if I’m not what you think I am? What if he had me all wrong? What if he thought I was something that I wasn’t? What if he was blinded by love? Or worse, by lust? What if I meant nothing to him at all? What if this was all just an illusion in my mind?
When it comes to love I think I fall into the hopeless romantic and cynic categories. That’s kind of where I am right now as I end this rambling of a post. I’ve spent all of my life, especially the last 7 years, believing that true love & soulmates (can) exist. I’ve listened to my heart, ignoring logic, believing that destiny is more than just a concept created by Hollywood to make billions from girls like me. I’ve found myself in hundreds of movies, TV shows, books, and songs relating to themes of unconditional love, heartbreak, and waiting…and more waiting. But then I also find myself shaking my head and rolling my eyes when the distressed female lead cries that her life is over and that she’ll never love again. I ignore my own history and decide that love is an illusion and that there is no happily ever after. Afterall the divorce rate is… (I’ll stop my cynical ways now for your sake.)
I want to end this post by asking you- the believers and the cynics- how do you know what what’s real and what’s an illusion? What does it (love) really feel like? How do you know if what you feel is real?
What if I fall further than you? What if you dream of somebody new?
If I can say one good thing about my commute to work is that it allows me a version of ‘me’ time. Some days I’m able to read, other days I listen to music, and if I’m feeling like a multi-tasker then I’ll do both. But there are also days when I do neither and stare out the window of the train/bus and daydream- thinking about the past and dreaming about the future.
Yesterday was one of those days as I took the Metra to-and-from Naperville for a day in the suburbs with my supervisor, and then withstood an hour bus ride through the torrential downpour to my volunteer meeting at Children’s Memorial. There’s something about rainy days that put me in a philosophical, thought-provoking, reminiscent mood. Anyone else agree? Additionally, as the always clever and wise Adriana said the other day- You know, I honestly don’t mind rainy days. They just require more caffeine than the sunny ones. And since this was on FB, I definitely “Like”(d) it…to no one’s surprise I’m sure. Seriously, she’s a genius and the only thing better than coffee and Adriana is coffee with Adriana. (Re: I don’t know how I found this image either, but how cute/ appropriate is that.)
Now you can call it an ephiphany or just a thought in my always-thinking mind, but here’s what I came up with: We do not thank nor show our appreciation (enough) to those people in the past that have caused us pain, heartbreak, aggrevation…all of the things we deem as negative.
Now first think about what I just said for a second…before assuming that I’m crazy, drunk or high. I’m neither as far as I know, but a little rundown and tired still, yes.
Okay, have you thought about this enough?
Let me explain where I’m coming from because I know you’re so curious about my life-changing perspective here. Now if you’re reading this and you’ve never been hurt in any way-shape-or-form, then I kind of feel sorry for you. And I’m not just talking about being hurt through a crush, relationship, love, etc. I mean if anyone, at any time in your life has ever hurt you, caused you pain (emotional, mental, psychological). You all should be with me now. (Damn those high school years of gossip, pettiness, and bullying.)
Yesterday, as I stared our the window onto the streets of Chicagoland, I thought about some of the things that had led me to that very moment, going as far back as to my lovely days of growing up in Pittsburgh…to those beloved college memories at OU… embracing my fun-filled year in Columbus…and my decision to take a huge risk in moving to Chi-town. Through each of these experiences I have been accompanied my dear friends Challenge and Pain. Being the dreamer and seeker that I am, I’ve learned to call Challenge and Pain my friends because they, in a way, play a supportive role in my life. They’ve led me to where I am today, and will be there tomorrow. They’re two of the friends that I’ve learned to count on, but it took awhile for me to no longer see them as the enemy. The things we learn as we get older (and wiser).
Even if you’ve only read a few posts of mine, I’m sure you’ve read about a certain boy (Casey) by now; however, I tend to be pretty vague in sharing the full details of the K-C story. But what I do choose to share with you is the impact that he has on my life- past, present, and future. Unfortunately he’s not in my life right now, but then again he is. He always will be, and I say this for many reasons. For one, he was my first love and as of right now, my only love. And you know what they say about first love…impossible to forget. However I can now say that it’s so much more than that. Without even being aware of it, this boy, my first love, has not only helped mold me into the person I am today, but he is also helping me become the best version of myself that I can possibly be. That’s what love does- and not just romantic love. Love makes you want to be a better you.
Now it’s no secret to my friends, family, and loyal blog readers that I’m the most advanced when it comes to crushes, dating, love, and anything else in this field of play that I’m obviously no pro on. Call me heartless, if you must, or picky. I honestly don’t know what my deal is. I love love love boys. I really do. But for some reason I have a hard time finding ones that really appeal to me. I know, I set the bar too high. Or maybe I just know what I want, whether or not he truly exists. The funny thing is, I found it once so it’s hard for me to believe that I cannot find it again.
My whole epiphany was over this concept: We never forget the people that we love(d), and why should we? Even if they’re no longer physically in our life, they are a part of us. We are the product of our experiences- the good and the bad; the beautiful and the painful; the ones we hope to remember forever and those that we wish we could forget.
As I’ve learned there are just so moments that you cannot forget no matter how much you try. There are people that will remain on your mind forever, even if you don’t see them for years. Again, I have to point out that this isn’t just romantic love. For example, some of us will never forget our childhood best friend, favorite high school teacher or a grandparent that passed away. Even if they aren’t physically with us, they are a companion of ours on the journey. We remember the advice they gave us, the memories we shared, and most importantly, how they make us feel.
So at the beginning of this ramble post I mentioned that it’s important to show your appreciation people from your past that you may have never Maybe it’s those mean girls from junior high, the jocks that bullied you in high school, or a former teacher or coach that always found a way to put you down. To them, say thank you. For it is because of them that you are stronger and wiser, not to mention better than them, today. And to the one that broke your heart into a thousand pieces, maybe even pounding on it a few times afterwards to make sure that it took a good while in recover, say thank you. While your heart may still hurt, you can appreciate them for allowing you to experience the phenomenon that is love. And I promise you, you will love again.
‘Tis better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all. (Alfred Lord Tennyson)
I sent this card to my Pap about two years ago when my Grandma was unexpectantly put in the hospital for a few days. Unfortunately my Pap passed away last summer on July 29th, but seeing this graphic today reminds me of the day I sent this to him. I love this card. I’ve sent it to a few people over the years, and now, I’m kind of sending it to myself by posting it on here. So what color should I paint myself? Anything but blue will do. So yes, my funk continued last night and still into this dreary, rainy day. But as everyone’s Facebook statuses reminded me, it’s Friday or as Darlene appropriately calls it, FRI-YAY!
My friend, Jen, and her husband, Matt, are coming into town for a sleepover tonight, I think it is best to break-up with this funk. I think I finally figured out what’s causing this one, but it may require me to think this through before saying my farewell.
So if you’ve been following my blog for awhile now then you know that I have a bit of relationship/wedding/baby fever with the past few weeks being filled with new babies, bridal showers, and Bachelorette parties. And for all of you new followers, none of these directly pertain to me. I play the roles of ‘aunt’ and always a bridesmaid in these storylines. With it now apparently being May, which was drawn to my attention by the Cinco de Mayo festivities on Wednesday evening, the weddings are beginning to actually happen. Next weekend is Kristin and Jim’s wedding in Columbus immediately followed by Julie and Ken’s wedding in Cleveland the next weekend. (First photo is Kristen & Jim and second is Julie and Ken.)
Both Kristin and Julie are wonderful friends of mine, and lucky for me I have become friends with their fiancees/ future husbands too. I cannot wait to see my girls looking gorgeous and happy in their wedding gowns, but I also cannot wait to see the looks on Jim’s and Ken’s faces when they first see their brides. This makes me think of 27 Dresses. Now I went to include just one the quotes, but chose instead to share both of them. Gotta love the difference between how men and women see things.
Jane (Katherine Heigle): You know how the bride makes her entrance and everybody turns to look at her? That’s when I look at the groom. Cause his face says it all you know? The pure love there.
Kevin (James Marsden): When the bride comes in and she makes her giant grand entrance, I like to glance back at the poor bastard getting married. Cause even though I think he’s an idiot for willingly entering into the last legal form of slavery, he always looks really, really happy.
I know, I know… this is from movieland, but in a weird way these (real) moments like this that give me hope and remind me that there are good ones out there.
Okay back to my funk and the inevitable break-up needs to happen sooner than later. After a busy day of running around at work, I knew that my daily workout wasn’t going to happen. After cleaning a bit for my guests, I gave into the temptation and headed to bed with Season 6 of Sex and the City. For some reason I wanted to watch the last few episodes of the series in which Carrie is in Paris with the Russian (ick). I know I’ve seen these episodes before, but I’m assuming that it’s been at least a year because I saw Carrie’s decision to move; her friends’ reaction, support, and dismay; Carrie’s struggle; and Big’s inevitable decision to get her back all so differently. Why? Well as we all know, we tend to interpret things based on our own experiences. Now I may have not moved to Paris with a Russian artist, or any guy in another city for that matter, I know what it’s like to leave your comfort zone to embark on a new city, new adventure. And as Carrie witnessed herself, it’s through these experiences and struggles that we learn what we want/don’t want and sometimes find what we didn’t even know we were looking for. While some many find love or new friends, it all ends up being that we ultimately find ourself.
Over brunch on Sunday, Stef said it perfectly. “Everyone else seems to be having these wonderful things happen to them- new jobs, engagements, weddings, babies- I just wish it was my turn.” My response to Stef was that people think we (she and I) are living this glorious life because we’re in Chicago; however, we are the ones that know the reality of it. I’m sorry to burst your bubble, but big city of lights does not always mean instant happiness. In fact, I remember Phill telling me how NYC is one of the lonely places, which is so ironic because of the large amount of people it hosts. Well, after living here for 18 months I can say that Chicago falls into that category as well. Afterall, it’s not the place but the people that make a city so A.MAY.ZING. I mean Athens, OH (home to my alma mater, Ohio University) is the perfect example.
But going back to Stef’s comment/question…I think the same thing and so do a lot of other girls, so you’re definitely not the only one. We could spend many brunches talking about this- and probably will. I mean it’s the inevitable question: Why don’t good things (like love) happen to good people?
So what does all of this have to do with me and my soon-to-be-ex-funk? Well I think it goes back to the relationship/wedding/baby fever I’ve been experiencing and how with the weddings beginning in a week, I find myself with the single girl at the wedding syndrome. Does anyone feel that they fall vicitm wedding/relationship/baby fever during the springtime? I honestly don’t even recall being this bad (which isn’t even really that bad, but for me it is) until engagements, weddings, and babies bit my circle of friends. It’s just be unavoidable for me…and causing me to wonder ‘what if…’ more times than I’d like to admit.
What if I had a boyfriend?
What if I was engaged?
What if it was my wedding everyone was going to?
What if I got pregnant?
The funny thing is that I don’t even know if I want a boyfriend right now, let alone a fiancee, husband, or baby! Seriously. Life really f***s with your mind sometimes, doesn’t it?
So is this enough evidence to support this funk of mine? And I have I given it an adequate amount of attention to let it go? I hope so. But I have a feeling that the bug may be back…I don’t know, let’s say next weekend and the following weekend, and maybe again around June 19th. No matter what, seeing my friends happily marrying the loves of their lives is worth any kind of fever and bug bite .
So in sticking to the whole Carrie Bradshaw in Paris theme that was thrown in here, I say Au Revoir to you, my funk.
PS. As I’ve acknowledged, I find that (my) life is always better with a crush. However, I think it’s best for me to give up on this little crush I currently harbor(ed). With my relationship/wedding/baby fever, and knowing me, I just think it’s better to say Adieu to you too.
Anyways, I think it’s time that I have a crush on no one but myself for awhile.
Remember that Kelly Clarkson song, Miss Independent, or am I the only one? I’m probably the only one. Anyways, so I heard another song of hers this evening and (the wine, most likely) made me think about this song that was popular the summer before I went to Ohio (2003). Why do I remember this? Because the one may as well been written about me. Miss Independent. That’s exactly who I was in the summer of 2003…
…and then she fell in love.
Since then I have struggled to figure out who I am and what my destiny is. For years I thought that it was one thing, and I waited years for that to happen. Unfortunately it never did. But now I sit here and I cannot help but wonder if I’m still Miss Independent now- and always will be. I mean as much as I’ve been through and everything that I’ve learned, am I still the same (but just a little different)?
Have you ever felt as though you traveled all around the world (metaphorically speaking), learning more than you could possibly imagine about yourself, but still somehow end up in the same place (personally)? While I could blame it on the wine, I know that this is just something that the wine allowed me to open up about. I know that, especially for a woman, that independence is a noteworthy characteristic…one that I’m honored to hold. But is there such a thing as being too independent? I just feel like I’m ready to tone it down a bit, maybe for once let myself depend on another. I mean I even had a hard time excepting a free drink from one of my gay Starbucks’ boyfriends today. (I know, A.MAY.ZING. right. I adore them, even without the free perks- pun intended.)
You know, this past week has been fairly funky for me, which is unfortunate since I had such an A.MAY.ZING. time in Columbus. I was watching last week’s episode of Private Practice, and Addison is told by another character that “it’s time to grow up.” Maybe that’s what I need to do. Grow up. Allow myself to officially become an adult. Finally close the door on my youth, and move on once and for all, while also letting go of everything that’s held me back. ♥ K