Archive for the ‘boys sometimes a girl just needs one’ Tag
I woke up on Friday morning and just laughed at myself. Actually, I’ve been laughing at myself since then. I can’t believe I did that! Honestly, kids, I really can’t. Here I was, getting ready to leave the bar with my girlies and I pulled another ridiculous, living in the moment move with a boy who I thought was cute when he asked us if he could have our table when we left. Lol. Wow, I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I invited myself to stay at the bar (table) with him his friends. Lol. Oy vey! You can’t take me anywhere these days…unless you want a good laugh.
To be honest, besides the alcohol, I’m not really sure what’s come over me. Maybe a lot has to do with me not caring anymore about taking chances and making a fool out of myself. Or perhaps I just don’t care, generally speaking, so I’m not going to hold myself back from having a good time- and meeting a few guys in the mean time. Whatever it is, I’m having fun and enjoying the laughs that come the next morning when I shake my head and say out loud, literally, “Kristen, what are you doing?!!” All that matters is that I have a huge grin on my face that next morning and not an ounce of regret- usually, at least.
As I write today, not entirely sure what came over me on Thursday other than Liquid Courage, I’m reminded about the other times in my life when I seemed to be livin’ carefree and confident. The summer before my first year at OU, which continued until I fell hopelessly for Casey, was one of those moments when I remember being immune to worries. To tell you the truth, it’s a time that I always hoped to get back to these past 9-10 years because of the confidence that illuminated from me. Confidence: The best accessory a girl can own. It’s so true, ladies. I swear, if I really could have only one wish for life then it would be to never lose my confidence (again). Trust me on this. Not only do you feel A*MAY*ZING, but you will not believe the attention you will attract. It’s like a Love Potion.
I toyed with the idea of calling this post Oops…I did it again but decided to go in a different direction. However, I will elaborate on yesterday’s antics just a bit and explain the whole ‘Oops… I did it again’ and how it contributes to where my napping-all-day mind is right now. In short, yesterday consisted of a day drinking bar shuffle (crawl) in Chicago’s Wrigleyville with my partners in crime, Sarah, Jenny, and Tom (Jenny’s boyfriend). Good Friends, Sunshine, and Free Drinks definitely set the mood right for some Stress-Free Fun. And then there was a cute guy in a green shirt…
Within 30 minutes of being in the first bar on the crawl, he caught my eye and I noticed him looking at me too. But me being ‘me’ wrote it off thinking that he was drawn to my cute plaid hat and not the girl in it. Well I’m happy to report that both were true. After 4-5 hours and seeing him at 2 other bars, the curiosity and encouragement of friends led me to approaching him, in front of his friends, and apparently said, “Can I ask you something? Have you been looking at me?” Yep, ballsy little me said that, which led to a night in the company of cute boy in the green shirt.
So that was yesterday but what about today? Well after a night of little sleep I have been in recovery mode of naps and laziness. I’ve also attempted to write this post various times but obviously didn’t get very far. To be honest, I don’t know what to say because I don’t know what I’m feeling today. I have absolutely No Regrets about yesterday and if anything, really had a great day with my friends and own antics. I will say that I still find myself listening to Somewhere With You by Kenny Chesney over and over again. “But it’s just a temporary high” is the line I keep thinking about. Last night could very well be another ‘temporary high’ for yours truly. And while I’ll play it off (to friends and on this blog, at some point), right now I’ll admit that I’ve become quite accustomed to the aftermath of those temporary high situations- usually brought on by boys.
Although I haven’t said much of anything on here about it, some of those dearest to me know that I’ve been struggling (to fight) feelings for someone completely A*MAY*ZING for the last few months. (Yes, he deserves an A*MAY*ZING and much more.) What I’ve been feeling for him hasn’t felt like a temporary high, but then again what do I really know? Not to mention I’ve been wrong about this stuff before. (Cough Casey Cough) So while I very much enjoyed my time with a cute boy, I’d be lying if I didn’t say that another wasn’t on my mind- yesterday and today.
But then again, it’s FINALLY summertime in Chicago and as I’ve shared with friends, I really just want to have a carefree few months because once September comes, school starts and my social life doesn’t look too promising.
I tossed and turned for hours last night while listening to this song, Heartbeat by Enrique Inglesias & Nicole Scherzinger. I have no idea how I even found this song but I’m loving it right now; and most of all, I am loving these lines- No matter what you think, I’m not a kind of girl to blink and give my heart away. Stop trying to steal my heart away.
Do you want me to be honest here? Would you like me to be completely open? I’d actually like to but I’m having a hard time doing so. I don’t know why. I just don’t know where to begin. I could tell you that I cracked out some good old-fashioned sarcasm multiple times this weekend when people asked me if I had a boyfriend. I may feel the need to mention that I argued with two guys who told me that I was beautiful. Or perhaps I should mention that my extremely drunk self played make-out bandit with someone I met that same night. I could tell you about any or all of those…but I’m not going to. Instead I’m going to say that it’s exhausting trying to not let yourself fall for someone.
It’s no secret that my walls are higher than the Eiffel Tower, but my poor guarded heart is certainly being tested these days. I hate to say it but I almost feel defenseless. My sarcastic remarks are running low; my cynicism is being persuaded by optimism to start believing; and each day I’m more tempted by that white flag telling me,“It’s finally time to surrender.” New and unforeseen tricks are catching me off guard to the point where I’m up at night, tossing and turning, trying to figure out what the heck happened to me and what am I supposed to do now.
Without saying any more tell me, what can I possibly do at this point? Keep fighting, as best I can? Or give in and let my heart be stolen away?
Il dolce far niente: “The sweetness of doing nothing”. That’s exactly what I’ve been instructed to be doing, or shall I say I’ve been instructed to do nothing. So after weeks of trying to rest more, I finally followed everyone’s orders and took a sick day from work to do nothing but Rest, Rest, and More Rest. Quite frankly I find it boring, but I’m making the best of it by watching movies and hibernating for a few hours at a time (aka napping). I’m fighting every urge to visit with friends or run out for some fresh, rainy Chicago air because I know I need to stay in and rest. Just me, myself, and I…and this couch. It’s so boring, and honestly this own Is it exhaustion or might it be mono? game is frustrating. Just tell me how to get rid of it! All I want is to feel better and have energy that doesn’t require chugging a 12 oz Sugar-Free Red Bull for a temporary fix.
So it’s now 5:30 pm (Central Time) and I’m contemplating whether or not to make my friend, Sarah, deal with me tonight. I just don’t feel like myself, which is the most aggravating thing about this whole illness/run-down thing I have going on. Even at the zoo with Max on Wednesday evening, I found myself struggling in between his smiles and contagious giggles to find the energy to keep myself going. (FYI: He was pretty adorable, of course when is he not? Oddly enough he was more entertained by the photo booths’ buttons and fences with holes than the huge live animals in front of him.)
(…and I fell asleep after that. Okay, let’s try this again.)
So if the title didn’t give it away (lyrics from Snow Patrol’s Chasing Cars), I’ll come out and say that this is one of those post where I’m going to admit that okay, maybe I do want a boyfriend- sometimes. There you go. I said it, and that’s all you’re going to get out of me. Well…maybe a little bit more. See on these days when I’m forced to stop and take care of myself, I tend to wish that someone was here to lay around with. Someone to watch (and make fun of) crappy reality TV shows with, as he lets me use his lap as my pillow while running his fingers through my hair. Someone who will take care of me; or better yet, someone who will Let Me Let Him take care of me. And this someone knows that I’ll take care of him when he’s not feeling quite like himself.
I rarely, if ever, admit that I, too, desire to have a someone in my life. I hint at it throughout my posts (and life) by sharing quotes, song lyrics, and hidden messages but hardly ever come out and say: I wish I had a boyfriend.
I just fought myself to leave it like that and not include …sometimes after the word ‘boyfriend’. Days like today, and really all of the days contained in these last few weeks, there has been no need for ‘…sometimes’ in that statement. Other days, when I’m totally in love with my freedom to visit friends in every Ohio city and hang out with my guy friends til 5 am without having to answer to anyone, having a boyfriend only pops into my mind once or twice a day. But today, on a dreary Friday in Chicago, I kinda-sorta-maybe wish that someone wanted to be here to take care of me, giving me every reason to lay around and forget the rest of the world.
Are you happy now? I let my guard down and admit that I, too, am a girl- even if I try to fight it. And as a girl, sometimes I do want someone else to take care of me. And if this little bug of mine is a case of overexertion, then the doctor may be writing out a prescription for “Get yourself a boyfriend”. Too bad Max isn’t much, much older.
Some people say that “it’s just a kiss”, and as you get older you’ll mostly hear “it’s only sex” and/or “marriage is just a piece of paper“. Do me a favor: Don’t believe these things. If ‘a kiss is just a kiss’, then why do you sometimes find yourself with weak knees and butterflies in your stomach? Explain that, cynics!
On our early morning car ride to Columbus last week, Stef and I found ourselves in a discussion that I’m going to refer to as, Some Girls Do and Some Girls Don’t. Simply put, we were discussing those girls that 1) always seem to have “met the love of my life” and 2) act so carelessly when it comes to boys, relationships, and everything in between. Those are the ones that act like a “kiss is just a kiss”…but what about the rest of us? What about the girls that actually care enough to embrace that first kiss and take pride in calling him “my boyfriend”?
And to be fair, because after all boys have feelings too (!), what about the boys that find themselves asking their girl friends for advice on their latest crush and taking weeks to finally ask the question, “Will you go out with me?” Those guys are out there, and in fact, I know some of them.
But this post is about one specific boy. A boy who has liked a girl for a very long time. A boy who has been very patient with this girl and pretty much accepted that the girl will never feel the same about him. But this same boy recently experienced something special with this girl. On New Year’s Eve, of all nights. Yep, they shared a kiss. After midnight. And from what I’ve been told, there was a little make out session that went on too. Whether or not a third-party (named Alcohol) truly placed a role in this event for a little ménage à trois is yet to be determined, but no matter, New Year’s Eve or not, this incident definitely deserves an explanation for the sake of two friends that shared their first kiss. Like I believe, a kiss isn’t ‘just a kiss”.
Once upon a time…in my early Post-College days, I let myself believe that a kiss was only a kiss. I was Heartbroken. Lonely. Confused. I didn’t know myself well enough to understand this too shall pass. I fell into the trap and soon, while I hate to admit it, I let myself mistakenly believe that I deserved to be in a “relationship” categorized as none other than, “Friends with Benefits“. And as the story goes… I fell victim to the misconception that “it’s just sex“. But I learned my lesson. Many lessons. And yes, I do regret some of the decisions my sad heart allowed me to make, but I am also grateful to have learned these lessons before making them again.
And while I cannot say the same for my friends, I proudly admit that my lips were sealed on New Year’s Eve. Other than the guys I was with, I could not tell you what a single guy in the bar looked like. So, why would I kiss someone just to kiss someone? Whether it’s New Year’s Eve, Valentine’s Day, or any other ordinary day for that matter, why kiss for the sake of just kissing? Been there, done that. Quite frankly, the truth of the matters is, there’s nothing better than that first kiss with someone you truly like. Someone that gives you butterflies. Someone that makes your knees go weak when he says, “I really like you.” Someone who makes you feel like you’re the only ones there in a crowded room. Someone who you know is worth waiting for. Someone who deserves you, as much as you deserve him. I know it’s tough, but I promise you that it’s always worth the wait. Just Be Patient.
While I’m extremely bias, I end this post still hoping that the kiss my friends’ shared was more than ‘just a kiss’, but only time will tell.
Since high school, maybe even middle school, I have followed one simple law: If a guy has a girlfriend, STAY AWAY. Be friends but absolutely nothing more. Actually I took it even further and adopted the mindset that if a girl friend or even acquaintance-friend of mine- which was pretty much half of the girls in Hampton- had a crush on a guy, I made my own pact to STAY AWAY. These practices seem so simple and down-right practical, but then again I just heard on the radio how (allegedly) 60% of men cheat. SERIOUSLY?!!! Anyways, I’m not sure how it exactly developed but my teenage mind fully believed that if you want to be(long) with me, then don’t be(long) to her.
Where am I really going with this? As always, I have some things on my mind and hearing the alleged statistic that 60% of men cheat, well other ideas are surfacing. No longer a teenager, I am finding myself in a world of men with girlfriends of all sorts- long distance girlfriends and live-in-girlfriends, for example- as well as fiancées and wives! Seriously, am I really old enough for this? Remembering all of the weddings, bridal showers, and bachelorette parties I attended this past year, I think that’s a ‘YES’. And while my mind has wondered a bit with the well what if’s a time or two, I still standby this and always will. If he has another girl in his life, he isn’t the one for me. If you really think you’re the one for me then it’s got to be only me. No one else.
I broke this rule twice in college and hated myself for it. The first time, I took a guy home that had a girlfriend- not knowing that he had a girlfriend until we got back to my dorm room. Somehow I found out, and since I wasn’t really into him, it didn’t break my heart or anything. Instead I hated myself for betraying my rule and his girlfriend. I hated him for doing this to his girlfriend, still I didn’t kick him out, per say. I ended the make-out session and strictly told him, “Do not break up with your girlfriend for me.” Like I said, I wasn’t into him at all, but sometimes a (drunk) girl needs to get some. But that ended and so did my trust in guys. How could you go home with someone else if you have a girlfriend? I just don’t get it at all. I felt horrible knowing that I made out with someone’s boyfriend. How could you ever do that to someone else purposedly?
“I’m talking to someone else.” These were the ones that were spoken to me during the second instance that I mentioned. My heart broke in half – literally- when I heard them. I still hear these words. I hear his voice saying them to me. I wish he never said them. But he did. Between you and me, I don’t even think that he remembered saying them to me but I know they were spoken. I know because of the pain that immediately took over my entire body as my heart shattered into a million pieces.
I both love and hate my response to his words. I love myself for being strong; for doing what I believed was the right thing to do; and for listening to the rules that my heart set. Okay, before sounding like a saint, let me admit that I did spent the night with him…because 1) I really liked him and 2) I was really drunk. Also, I think this line explains my other reason: We may only have tonight, but til the morning sun you’re mine, all mine. (Plain White T’s- Rhythm of Love). To be honest, with a lot of vodka in my system, I just wanted to have one last night him (selfish?) and then I’d let him go. (Or so I thought would be the case.) Yep, I chose to abandon my rules and live without a conscience for the night. Part of me hates myself for having a conscience in the first place. However, as my luck (or lack of) would have it, the Karma Police sentenced me to, well, bad karma. Honestly, I know that a part of my drunk self (which sobered up when I got back to my dorm- mostly) hoped that he would decide, after spending time with me, that I was the one for him therefore he would choose not to be talking to someone else anymore. What can I say, I’m a girl so daydreams and fantasies come naturally. But what I felt for that boy, wasn’t a fantasy. I thought it was real. To this day I still think it was real. But it’s all in the past…right? It is, but those 5 words still haunt me. I wish that I never heard them the way I did. Actually I wish they were never said at all… but they were. “I’m talking to someone else” isn’t exactly a translation for “I’m happily engaged” but in my conscience it’s all the same. So when the morning sun came up and I stared out the window onto the beautiful, sunny winter morning, my heart surrendered and let her- whoever she was- win.
No matter how cute he may be nor how perfect I think we could be together, if he has another girl in his life, well then he just doesn’t have room for me too. For as tough as I am on myself, I know that I don’t deserve to be ‘the other woman’. I’m better than that. I deserve better than that. If 60% of guys cheat, then I know that the one that belongs with me is in that 40 percent.
Sometimes I really get tired of my morals. I get tired of the consequences of having a big heart. Running myself down to be everything to everyone is down-right exhausting. But this is me. I have morals, a huge heart, and caring for people is what makes me ‘me’. And call me selfish, but I want a guy who will tell me that I’m the only one.
The post I wrote on Sunday, October 10th will explain the ideas behind the Unsent Love Letter Mix Tape series, and if it still doesn’t make sense to you, well then, at least it makes sense to me. The writer. The blogger. The girl behind the computer. Call me what you will but these are my letters. Love Letters. Some will be traditional love letters and some will be love letters of another sort. These are my love letters to those that I love…or once loved…or will one day love. Let me point out that my plan is not to send these letters, but to write them as though I was sending them.
Track 8 is written to the boys of my past. From first crushes, to first kisses, to first love, first heartbreak…but it’s not just about the firsts either. All of them. Each and every one has made an impact on me, contributing more than I’m even conscious of, and therefore, are the addressee of this letter.
Where is this coming from? Last night I had a dream about the boy I had my first kiss with in 7th grade. Ironically it’s not my first random dream about him, and probably not my last. At first I found it odd especially since my only connection to him since high school is Facebook (as of recent), but then I realized that our dreams are not confined to a timeline. Our dreams hold the stories of who we were and who we aspire to be, and therefore, who we are. So now, awake the conscious, I realize that many boys have played a role in who I am today and coincidentally who I’ll be for all my tomorrows. Mistakenly we don’t always recognize nor give credit to all that are deserving, not seeing that those that love(d) us and that we love(d)- unrequited too- truly contributed to our development as well. So here is my love letter to all those boys- well a few boys who shall remain nameless.
To Whomever This May Concern,
I hope this letter finds you well. I’m going to guess that you didn’t expect to hear from me having been awhile since we last saw one another. To be honest, I’m a bit surprised that I am writing to you but thought it was time. Let me explain.
After spending a weekend talking about boys, life, and more boys with another single girl friend of mine, I’ve taken some time to digest my past and how I’ve gotten to where I am today- and not just literally but why I am the way I am. Deep, right? Trust me, you have no idea how much thinking I do these days.
If you must know, I’m single and really haven’t had much any luck in the categories of boyfriends, love, and anything that may come in between. Some of you are surely in disbelief having known me back in the day when I was a boyfriend magnet…in middle school and early high school. I must have used up all of my boyfriend cards on those 1-2 week relationships I ran through the halls of HMS and HHS. Since then, the ‘boyfriend’ title actually hasn’t been used. Sure there are a very ‘it’s complicated’s, ‘hook-ups’, and ‘we’re talking’s in my biography, but never anything more. Yep. Welcome to my life.
And I’m rambling here. A lot. Sorry about that, I guess I’m just not sure what to say to you and perhaps more nervous than I thought I’d be.
Why am I writing to you? To be honest, I am hoping that you can help me. Maybe you’re not able to and/or not willing, but I at least want to try. I do not feel like there’s any bad blood between us- from my perspective there is not, but perhaps it’s not fair for me to assume that you don’t. Do you? I know we were young when we knew one another, but I hope that I didn’t give you a reason not to like me. Did I?
Again, I ramble. Okay, I’m a little nervous about asking my question(s) because I’m not sure what your response will be.
What was I like when we were…together…or whatever we were? I don’t mean, Was I nice/funny/cool/popular? Instead I’m asking, what was I like as your girlfriend? As the girl you were talking to? As the girl you made out with? Please be honest with me. I need to know.
Did you like me? If it helps at all, I liked you too. Without coming across as crazy- which you may or may not think I am already- despite my probable feelings for you, I most likely ran away. Did I run away? (I’m sure I did.)
I don’t want to run away anymore. There, I said it. I could have saved both of us a lot of time if I would have started this letter with “Hi. How are you? I don’t want to run away anymore and I think you can help me change that.” But I guess I wanted to elaborate it so this last part makes more sense.
You know how people say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Well it really was me, not you. Believe me when I say that. See, for some reason I have this natural-born tendency to run away. I’ve done it since middle and now, after all these years, I don’t even recognize that I’m doing it…until it’s too late.
I’m not writing this to get you back. That is certainly not my intention. But instead I’m asking you, someone who once knew me and/or genuinely cared for me, to tell me straight how I am. Flaws and all. I really want to change. I want to fall in love. I want to let someone love me.
People continuously ask me “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” or make the comment “I cannot believe you don’t have a boyfriend”. The excuses get old and soon they just sounds like lies to me. I don’t want to lie anymore. I don’t want to run away.
Even if you do not respond, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my ramblings. You know, you’re still helping me even if you don’t reply with a laundry list of my flaws and irrational behaviors because I was able to open up to you here. So thank you.
Lastly, if by any chance I hurt you through my insecurities and actions, please accept my sincere apologies. Again it wasn’t you, it was definitely me.
Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift
So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night