I woke up on Friday morning and just laughed at myself. Actually, I’ve been laughing at myself since then. I can’t believe I did that! Honestly, kids, I really can’t. Here I was, getting ready to leave the bar with my girlies and I pulled another ridiculous, living in the moment move with a boy who I thought was cute when he asked us if he could have our table when we left. Lol. Wow, I can’t believe I did that. I can’t believe I invited myself to stay at the bar (table) with him his friends. Lol. Oy vey! You can’t take me anywhere these days…unless you want a good laugh.
To be honest, besides the alcohol, I’m not really sure what’s come over me. Maybe a lot has to do with me not caring anymore about taking chances and making a fool out of myself. Or perhaps I just don’t care, generally speaking, so I’m not going to hold myself back from having a good time- and meeting a few guys in the mean time. Whatever it is, I’m having fun and enjoying the laughs that come the next morning when I shake my head and say out loud, literally, “Kristen, what are you doing?!!” All that matters is that I have a huge grin on my face that next morning and not an ounce of regret- usually, at least.
As I write today, not entirely sure what came over me on Thursday other than Liquid Courage, I’m reminded about the other times in my life when I seemed to be livin’ carefree and confident. The summer before my first year at OU, which continued until I fell hopelessly for Casey, was one of those moments when I remember being immune to worries. To tell you the truth, it’s a time that I always hoped to get back to these past 9-10 years because of the confidence that illuminated from me. Confidence: The best accessory a girl can own. It’s so true, ladies. I swear, if I really could have only one wish for life then it would be to never lose my confidence (again). Trust me on this. Not only do you feel A*MAY*ZING, but you will not believe the attention you will attract. It’s like a Love Potion.
On a dimly lit bar patio in downtown Cleveland, appropriately named The Wonder Bar, an hour after 2011 officially began, I found myself engaged in an endearing conversation with a stranger. As a friend and/or loyal blog reader of mine, you know this is far from uncommon for me; however, this wasn’t one of my typical “so tell me how you two met…fell in love” kinda nights. Instead, I was the one being analyzed on my own life stories. Okay,this is beginning to sound like the makings of a first date, and it in a way maybe it was in a way. Last Friday night/early Saturday morning, on New Year’s Eve night, I had my Tarot Cards read.
First let me share that I’ve been thinking about having my cards read (again) for awhile now. Sometime last year my friend, Dusty, read my cards and I’ve been very anxious to have it done again. That being said, when I saw the sign on the window for “Tarot Card Reader” while entering the bar, I took it as My Sign. I knew it was the right time to have it done…so I did. Why not?
Now I didn’t have my cards read for a play-by-play on how 2011 was ‘destined’ to unfold. Nope, that’s the exact opposite of what I wanted. Instead, I wanted to begin 2011 by taking a moment for myself. In a crowded bar surrounded by friends and after a long few weeks filled with roadtrips, family, friends, and bed bugs, I stepped into the shoes of Clarissa (on Clarissa Explains It All) to pause my go-go-go life for a few minutes to humor my curiosity.
Okay, so let me say that I’m not the most spiritual/superstitious person in the world, but I do have a very strong intuition. I went into the reading with an open mind, but I never once thought, “This is exactly how my life is going to unfold.” Instead, I saw this as an experience. Something that I did because I wanted to do it.
After cutting the deck a dozen or so times until it felt right, I handed the cards back to Xena to begin my reading. Any nervousness that I may have felt was eased by the alcohol in my system. So curiosity and relaxation mixed to put myself in a total trance on that loud, crowded bar patio in downtown Cleveland on New Year’s Eve.
“You have a kind heart,” Xena informed me.
“Too kind, sometimes,” I replied.
“But you don’t sleep well.”
I smiled back at her, agreeably, and thought, Isn’t that the truth? She proceeded to read my cards and I continued to find myself smiling as she uncovered who I am. My guard was down. Alcohol or Not. I let this stranger see me for who I really am. She saw my flaws, my scars, and what prevents me from sleeping at night. She saw it all. She saw me. All I could do is sit there in Contentment. Smile in Agreeance. Answer her Questions. Tell her My Stories. Watch my Walls Crumble. Let Go of the Pain. Let Me Be “Me”.
(With my walls back up now, I’ll tell you about the rest of my reading.)
As Xena read my cards, I felt as though I was someone in between a heart-to-heart with a best friend and a therapy session. How can she (the cards) know me so well without actually knowing me? She continued to indulge into my love life, or lack thereof, by informing me that there is a boy in my life right now who “will make (you) very happy” and has “dark hair, light eyes”. I swear I’m not making this up. But she didn’t stop there.
Xena: “Someone you loved very much will come back into your life. There was a girl who kept him from you but he will come back.”
“He will come visit. He wants to see you. He’ll insist.”
Me: “What if I don’t want him to?”
…which led us into a conversation about who this “He” most likely is and the details of our past history. As the reading continued, my cards claimed that I was “moving out West in about six months” and “be successful in the career you choose but that it will take time, about two years, for me to get there.”
So where does that leave me? What do I think about my reading? Why am I sharing this with you now?
The truth of it is, I had a great time and I’ll definitely do it again. As for what my cards held, I’m not really thinking about it too much. Coincidence? Luck? Fate? Only time will tell. All you can do is Live Your Life and See What Happens.
Without sounding selfish, I know I have to take more time for myself and that’s what I plan on doing this next year. And that is truly why I opted to have my tarot cards read last Friday night. Yes, I had fun and certainly curiosity played a role in this decision. But all in all, I dedicated those few moments (of my life) to me. I walked away from solving the world’s problems & hearing my friends’ love life dramas and put myself first. Hey, it’s a start. I promise you that I’ll do it more in this next year…even if it means I must have my cards read more often. But while the cards may tell me my fate, I know that it’s up to me to make things happen.
Let your conscience be your guide.
Elizabeth Gilbert, “Eat Pray Love”