nice to meet you anyway

Since high school, maybe even middle school, I have followed one simple law: If a guy has a girlfriend, STAY AWAY.  Be friends but absolutely nothing more.  Actually I took it even further and adopted the mindset that if a girl friend or even acquaintance-friend of mine- which was pretty much half of the girls in Hampton- had a crush on a guy, I made my own pact to STAY AWAY.  These practices seem so simple and down-right practical, but then again I just heard on the radio how (allegedly) 60% of men cheat.  SERIOUSLY?!!!  Anyways, I’m not sure how it exactly developed but my teenage mind fully believed that if you want to be(long) with me, then don’t be(long) to her.

Where am I really going with this?  As always, I have some things on my mind and hearing the alleged statistic that 60% of men cheat, well other ideas are surfacing.  No longer a teenager, I am finding myself in a world of men with girlfriends of all sorts- long distance girlfriends and live-in-girlfriends, for example- as well as fiancées and wives!  Seriously, am I really old enough for this?  Remembering all of the weddings, bridal showers, and bachelorette parties I attended this past year, I think that’s a ‘YES’.  And while my mind has wondered a bit with the well what if’s a time or two, I still standby this and always will.  If he has another girl in his life, he isn’t the one for me.  If you really think you’re the one for me then it’s got to be only me.  No one else. 

I broke this rule twice in college and hated myself for it.  The first time, I took a guy home that had a girlfriend- not knowing that he had a girlfriend until we got back to my dorm room.  Somehow I found out, and since I wasn’t really into him, it didn’t break my heart or anything.  Instead I hated myself for betraying my rule and his girlfriend.  I hated him for doing this to his girlfriend, still I didn’t kick him out, per say.  I ended the make-out session and strictly told him, “Do not break up with your girlfriend for me.”  Like I said, I wasn’t into him at all, but sometimes a (drunk) girl needs to get some.  But that ended and so did my trust in guys.  How could you go home with someone else if you have a girlfriend?  I just don’t get it at all.  I felt horrible knowing that I made out with someone’s boyfriend.  How could you ever do that to someone else purposedly?

“I’m talking to someone else.”  These were the ones that were spoken to me during the second instance that I mentioned.  My heart broke in half – literally- when I heard them.  I still hear these words.  I hear his voice saying them to me.  I wish he never said them.  But he did.  Between you and me, I don’t even think that he remembered saying them to me but I know they were spoken.  I know because of the pain that immediately took over my entire body as my heart shattered into a million pieces. 

I both love and hate my response to his words.  I love myself for being strong; for doing what I believed was the right thing to do; and for listening to the rules that my heart set.  Okay, before sounding like a saint, let me admit that I did spent the night with him…because 1) I really liked him and 2) I was really drunk.  Also, I think this line explains my other reason: We may only have tonight, but til the morning sun you’re mine, all mine. (Plain White T’s- Rhythm of Love).  To be honest, with a lot of vodka in my system, I just wanted to have one last night him (selfish?) and then I’d let him go.  (Or so I thought would be the case.)  Yep, I chose to abandon my rules and live without a conscience for the night.  Part of me hates myself for having a conscience in the first place.  However, as my luck (or lack of) would have it, the Karma Police sentenced me to, well, bad karma.  Honestly, I know that a part of my drunk self (which sobered up when I got back to my dorm- mostly) hoped that he would decide, after spending time with me, that I was the one for him therefore he would choose not to be talking to someone else anymore.  What can I say, I’m a girl so daydreams and fantasies come naturally.  But what I felt for that boy, wasn’t a fantasy.  I thought it was real.  To this day I still think it was real.  But it’s all in the past…right?  It is, but those 5 words still haunt me.  I wish that I never heard them the way I did.  Actually I wish they were never said at all… but they were.  “I’m talking to someone else” isn’t exactly a translation for “I’m happily engaged”  but in my conscience it’s all the same.  So when the morning sun came up and I stared out the window onto the beautiful, sunny winter morning, my heart surrendered and let her- whoever she was- win.

No matter how cute he may be nor how perfect I think we could be together, if he has another girl in his life, well then he just doesn’t have room for me too.  For as tough as I am on myself, I know that I don’t deserve to be ‘the other woman’.  I’m better than that.  I deserve better than that.  If 60% of guys cheat, then I know that the one that belongs with me is in that 40 percent.

Sometimes I really get tired of my morals.  I get tired of the consequences of having a big heart.  Running myself down to be everything to everyone is down-right exhausting.  But this is me.  I have morals, a huge heart, and caring for people is what makes me ‘me’.  And call me selfish, but I want a guy who will tell me that I’m the only one. 

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