unsent love letter mix tape: track 8

The post I wrote on Sunday, October 10th will explain the ideas behind the Unsent Love Letter Mix Tape series, and if it still doesn’t make sense to you, well then, at least it makes sense to me.  The writer.  The blogger.  The girl behind the computer.  Call me what you will but these are my letters.  Love Letters.  Some will be traditional love letters and some will be love letters of another sort.  These are my love letters to those that I love…or once loved…or will one day love.  Let me point out that my plan is not to send these letters, but to write them as though I was sending them. 

Track 8 is written to the boys of my past.  From first crushes, to first kisses, to first love, first heartbreak…but it’s not just about the firsts either.  All of them.  Each and every one has made an impact on me, contributing more than I’m even conscious of, and therefore, are the addressee of this letter. 

Where is this coming from?  Last night I had a dream about the boy I had my first kiss with in 7th grade.  Ironically it’s not my first random dream about him, and probably not my last.  At first I found it odd especially since my only connection to him since high school is Facebook (as of recent), but then I realized that our dreams are not confined to a timeline.  Our dreams hold the stories of who we were and who we aspire to be, and therefore, who we are.  So now, awake the conscious, I realize that many boys have played a role in who I am today and coincidentally who I’ll be for all my tomorrows.  Mistakenly we don’t always recognize nor give credit to all that are deserving, not seeing that those that love(d) us and that we love(d)- unrequited too- truly contributed to our development as well.  So here is my love letter to all those boys- well a few boys who shall remain nameless.

 
 
 
   

To Whomever This May Concern,

I hope this letter finds you well.  I’m going to guess that you didn’t expect to hear from me having been awhile since we last saw one another.  To be honest, I’m a bit surprised that I am writing to you but thought it was time.  Let me explain.

After spending a weekend talking about boys, life, and more boys with another single girl friend of mine, I’ve taken some time to digest my past and how I’ve gotten to where I am today- and not just literally but why I am the way I am.  Deep, right?  Trust me, you have no idea how much thinking I do these days. 

If you must know, I’m single and really haven’t had much any luck in the categories of boyfriends, love, and anything that may come in between.  Some of you are surely in disbelief having known me back in the day when I was a boyfriend magnet…in middle school and early high school.  I must have used up all of my boyfriend cards on those 1-2 week relationships I ran through the halls of HMS and HHS.  Since then, the ‘boyfriend’ title actually hasn’t been used.  Sure there are a very ‘it’s complicated’s, ‘hook-ups’, and ‘we’re talking’s in my biography, but never anything more.  Yep.  Welcome to my life.

And I’m rambling here.  A lot.  Sorry about that, I guess I’m just not sure what to say to you and perhaps more nervous than I thought I’d be. 

Why am I writing to you?  To be honest, I am hoping that you can help me.  Maybe you’re not able to and/or not willing, but I at least want to try.  I do not feel like there’s any bad blood between us- from my perspective there is not, but perhaps it’s not fair for me to assume that you don’t.  Do you?  I know we were young when we knew one another, but I hope that I didn’t give you a reason not to like me.  Did I?

Again, I ramble.  Okay, I’m a little nervous about asking my question(s) because I’m not sure what your response will be. 

What was I like when we were…together…or whatever we were?  I don’t mean, Was I nice/funny/cool/popular?  Instead I’m asking, what was I like as your girlfriend?  As the girl you were talking to?  As the girl you made out with?  Please be honest with me.  I need to know.

Did you like me?  If it helps at all, I liked you too.  Without coming across as crazy- which you may or may not think I am already- despite my probable feelings for you, I most likely ran away.  Did I run away?  (I’m sure I did.)

I don’t want to run away anymore.  There, I said it.  I could have saved both of us a lot of time if I would have started this letter with “Hi.  How are you?  I don’t want to run away anymore and I think you can help me change that.”  But I guess I wanted to elaborate it so this last part makes more sense.

You know how people say, “It’s not you, it’s me.”  Well it really was me, not you.  Believe me when I say that.  See, for some reason I have this natural-born tendency to run away.  I’ve done it since middle and now, after all these years, I don’t even recognize that I’m doing it…until it’s too late. 

I’m not writing this to get you back.  That is certainly not my intention.  But instead I’m asking you, someone who once knew me and/or genuinely cared for me, to tell me straight how I am.  Flaws and all.  I really want to change.  I want to fall in love.  I want to let someone love me. 

People continuously ask me “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” or make the comment “I cannot believe you don’t have a boyfriend”.  The excuses get old and soon they just sounds like lies to me.  I don’t want to lie anymore.  I don’t want to run away. 

Even if you do not respond, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my ramblings.  You know, you’re still helping me even if you don’t reply with a laundry list of my flaws and irrational behaviors because I was able to open up to you here.  So thank you.

Lastly, if by any chance I hurt you through my insecurities and actions, please accept my sincere apologies.  Again it wasn’t you, it was definitely me.

Take care.

Kristen

Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift

So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night
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