Archive for the ‘i have issues’ Tag
When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you. But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you. I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart? Come on! That’s not normal!
This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me.
Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it. So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy. In fact, it’s been pretty difficult.
As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner. When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago. Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.
Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make. In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when. I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back. I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so. Sorry.
While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight. After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough. But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have. In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris, I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be so happy.”
We all deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away. But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy. We really do. And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.
The Story- Brandi Carlile
I know it’s been a while, so I should probably start off by stating that I’m still someone’s girlfriend; which means I have a boyfriend. But that being said, I’m having a little trouble tonight with him- although, it really does have much more to do with me than him. In fact, he’s done absolutely nothing but be wonderful… which may be my problem overall. (Seriously, he’s fantastic!)
Okay… I’m just going to come out and say it because I’m actually completely confused right now by how I’m feeling. So here it goes. Out there for everyone (or whoever reads this) to hear: Maybe I’m really not the girlfriend type. I mean, here I am… with a fantastic boyfriend who thinks the world of me, and I just can’t drop the guard and let myself be with him. In a way, I’m afraid of letting him fall for me? I don’t know. Honestly, I’m trying to figure out what’s going on inside of me as much as you are as you read this post.
On that note, I think I’m going to leave it at this. I know I owe you (and me) a much longer post, followed by many other long posts, but unfortunately I’ve found myself in a blogger’s block. Maybe it’s the relationship, and the fact that I don’t really have guy problems to vent about. (Maybe?) Although, based on tonight’s reflections, I think I need to utilize this blog of mine as an outlet since I’m struggling a bit right now to hold onto myself as I continue along with this new role as an amazing someone’s girlfriend.
As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
It’s interesting how a new guy can make you realize the doubts and insecurities you have. It may take a few days, call it the new crush honeymoon period if you will, but then all of a sudden your mind starts playing those darn tricks on you again. Why hasn’t he texted me? When will I see him again? Does he really like me? Boys. They are put on this earth to drive our already-crazy minds even crazier.
No, but seriously, what’s up with me? I was many hours (and drinks) into Sunday Funday and had no expectations going into the date he proposed. But now, after having a fantastic first date, here I am struggling with all those troubling thoughts that have scarred me over the past several dateless years. GRrrr…come on girl, get yourself together!!
After mentioning my successful date to a dear friend of mine, she responded, “Breathe and trust. Silence those fears.” To be honest, when this message came through I was feeling ridiculously confident and still high from the amazing kissing that concluded our date. (Yes, I kissed him on the first date. Actually, I kissed him before our first date, but that’s a whole different story.) But I found myself thankful for her encouraging words when those fears started surfacing the very next day.
Breathe and trust. Silence those fears. That’s what’s keeping my anxious mind (and heart) from falling victim to the worries. Between you and me, I’ve let my fears hold me back for a very long time- much longer than I’ve ever admitted to on this blog- but I really feel like it’s time to trust myself again- and maybe learn to let myself trust someone else too.
For the past week this girl found herself really wanting to find comfort in the arms of a boy. Fortunately for her, she was able to find just that. While last Wednesday proved to be an emotionally destructive day, it did bring about a new friendship in the form of a guy who needed as much distraction and companionship as she did. (We’ll call him “Missouri”.) Just like me, Missouri needed someone to be there for him to help pass the time and let him know that he’s not alone. So for the last (approximately) ten days, I’ve spent at least six of those nights wrapped up in the arms of Missouri as my eyes closed and my weary mind began to rest for a few hours of sleep- or what may be better called a temporary fix.
As I sit here on a Saturday night, struggling to motivate myself to work on a 15-page paper, I realize that what this girl really wants is to feel better. She wants to knock all of her issues out the door, once and for all. She wants to overcome her struggles with stress, anxiety, (lack of) trust, and depression. She doesn’t want to hold herself back anymore. She doesn’t want to rely on the arms of a guy to make her feel better.
I’ve been listening/watching to the performance of Girls Just Wanna Have Fun from Glee all day today. Not only has it resonated with me, but it’s also made me feel as though it’s being sung directly to me. It’s as though the singer is telling me, “You haven’t been having much fun lately. You haven’t been happy. So you need to stop being in denial, stop suppressing your struggles, and really focus on dealing with your issues instead of allowing them to build up and get worse.”
I am consciously aware that running into Missouri’s arms is not the best thing to be doing right now. I know that I should stop relying on such a distraction and focus on working through my issues instead. Trust me, despite of all the crazy things I’ve been jumping into lately I still know my rights from my wrongs. I still know what’s best for me. I still know what I really need. But truth be told, sometimes I just don’t want to do the right thing. I don’t necessarily always have the patience nor the strength to do what’s right. But I think I’ve gotten to the point that I cannot keep running away by saying “I have issues”. I’m pretty such that this dose of depression has really made me think, What can I do to make this go away once and for all? How can I work on letting myself be happy instead of relying on temporary fixes, vices, and distractions? What will it take for this girl to finally be freed from the chains that weigh her down and have fun?
I tossed and turned for hours last night while listening to this song, Heartbeat by Enrique Inglesias & Nicole Scherzinger. I have no idea how I even found this song but I’m loving it right now; and most of all, I am loving these lines- No matter what you think, I’m not a kind of girl to blink and give my heart away. Stop trying to steal my heart away.
Do you want me to be honest here? Would you like me to be completely open? I’d actually like to but I’m having a hard time doing so. I don’t know why. I just don’t know where to begin. I could tell you that I cracked out some good old-fashioned sarcasm multiple times this weekend when people asked me if I had a boyfriend. I may feel the need to mention that I argued with two guys who told me that I was beautiful. Or perhaps I should mention that my extremely drunk self played make-out bandit with someone I met that same night. I could tell you about any or all of those…but I’m not going to. Instead I’m going to say that it’s exhausting trying to not let yourself fall for someone.
It’s no secret that my walls are higher than the Eiffel Tower, but my poor guarded heart is certainly being tested these days. I hate to say it but I almost feel defenseless. My sarcastic remarks are running low; my cynicism is being persuaded by optimism to start believing; and each day I’m more tempted by that white flag telling me,“It’s finally time to surrender.” New and unforeseen tricks are catching me off guard to the point where I’m up at night, tossing and turning, trying to figure out what the heck happened to me and what am I supposed to do now.
Without saying any more tell me, what can I possibly do at this point? Keep fighting, as best I can? Or give in and let my heart be stolen away?
If I run, will you run after me? If I walk, will you wait patiently? If I fall, will you have sympathy? If I run, if I run, will you run after me?
If I Run by The Harters
In the land before blogs there were diaries, or journals as we prefer to call them. If I was a betting person then I’d say that my first journal was written during middle school, as it was the fad of the 90’s girls. Coincidentally, or not, my journaling began as boys entered my life. They quickly became my Muse and my Weakness; my Confidence Booster, yet my Kryptonite. There was so much to say; so much to write. But for some reason, since I opened my first journal at least 14 years ago, I never had luck continually writing entries. In packing up my childhood room in my parents’ house a few years ago, I came across dozens of journals with months of lapses between pages and hundreds of unfilled sheets. On some of those pages I found the remnants of songs. Lyrics. Lines of love. Words of heartbreak. Words. Phrases. Ideas. Songs Unwritten…reminding me how I used to seek comfort in expressing my thoughts & feelings through incomplete songs, as I dreamed of becoming a songwriter. Just one of the many dreams I once had in that bedroom of mine.
Those words, those unfinished songs, told Stories of Boys Past. So many boys; so many stories. Okay, there really haven’t been too many boys but there are definitely a lot of stories to tell. My Stories: Childhood Memories & Teenage Dreams. And while the stories were different, each song had one thing in common. They were all unfinished.
As I wrote that last line I heard Matt’s voice telling me, “You always run away.” Unfortunately he was right at a time and there’s evidence to support his claim; however, before indulging into that, let me first defend myself. I am not a quitter. My will is too strong, perhaps too stubborn, to give up. In fact, I’ve only quit one thing in my life (high school soccer team) and it was something that I analyzed for an entire summer before trusting my gut instict. (Looking back, I still would have quit although part of me wishes I didn’t.)
But… when it comes to the topic of boys, relationships, and whatever else comes in between… I’ve been known to throw in the towel many times and fairly quickly. You can say I have issues, but save your breath because I’ve known that for a while now. That’s besides the point. The fact of the matter is why do I have these issues? Why am I so quick to flee when it comes to crushes and potential relationships? Okay, let’s leave the past in the past for time’s sake. I mean why should I waste my own time rambling on about middle school ‘boyfriends’ that I ‘dated’ for a few weeks? (I was always the dumper; and I’m not bragging about that.) Instead let me explain, or attempt to, how I feel about these unfinished songs of mine.
I’m not sure if I really know what happens (to me), but it happens all the time. Maybe I get anxious…which leads to insecurity… soon doubts about myself….doubts about what I’m feeling… ideas that I’m crazy for thinking that he could possibly ever like me. Soon that feeling takes over and convinces me to let go. Honey, what were you thinking? You never had a chance with him. He’s better off with someone else. I let go; I run away; and one more unfinished song ends without the (right) ending.
But like only one, maybe two, other time(s), something feels different. I haven’t let go yet; I’m still holding on with a semi-tight grip. Something is telling me not to run away this time: Stay. Don’t Give Up. Believe. Be Patient. “He is Good. So Good.” You’re Not Crazy. Believe. Something, whatever it is, makes me feel like this is/could be right. And interesting enough, I’m not the only person who senses it. Elicited by a conversation with my former boss, JD, another co-worker caught me off guard with her inquiry:
Julie: “Are you in love?”
Me: “No.” (Thinking, ‘I don’t think so.’)
Julie: “Are you in like?”
Me: (I couldn’t lie nor could the smile on my face.) “Yes, I like him.”
Between you, whoever it is that reads this blog, and me…I don’t want to run away. Though I worry I will. I worry that I’ll fall back into my bad habits as doubts and insecurity set in- as they’ve always been known to do. But what if the comfort of bad habits lead me to run? Will another unfinished song join the others as I take that first step in the other direction, or will something, someone pull me back…preventing me from running to far…just this one time?
“Come on… give in to me.“
The post I wrote on Sunday, October 10th will explain the ideas behind the Unsent Love Letter Mix Tape series, and if it still doesn’t make sense to you, well then, at least it makes sense to me. The writer. The blogger. The girl behind the computer. Call me what you will but these are my letters. Love Letters. Some will be traditional love letters and some will be love letters of another sort. These are my love letters to those that I love…or once loved…or will one day love. Let me point out that my plan is not to send these letters, but to write them as though I was sending them.
Track 8 is written to the boys of my past. From first crushes, to first kisses, to first love, first heartbreak…but it’s not just about the firsts either. All of them. Each and every one has made an impact on me, contributing more than I’m even conscious of, and therefore, are the addressee of this letter.
Where is this coming from? Last night I had a dream about the boy I had my first kiss with in 7th grade. Ironically it’s not my first random dream about him, and probably not my last. At first I found it odd especially since my only connection to him since high school is Facebook (as of recent), but then I realized that our dreams are not confined to a timeline. Our dreams hold the stories of who we were and who we aspire to be, and therefore, who we are. So now, awake the conscious, I realize that many boys have played a role in who I am today and coincidentally who I’ll be for all my tomorrows. Mistakenly we don’t always recognize nor give credit to all that are deserving, not seeing that those that love(d) us and that we love(d)- unrequited too- truly contributed to our development as well. So here is my love letter to all those boys- well a few boys who shall remain nameless.
To Whomever This May Concern,
I hope this letter finds you well. I’m going to guess that you didn’t expect to hear from me having been awhile since we last saw one another. To be honest, I’m a bit surprised that I am writing to you but thought it was time. Let me explain.
After spending a weekend talking about boys, life, and more boys with another single girl friend of mine, I’ve taken some time to digest my past and how I’ve gotten to where I am today- and not just literally but why I am the way I am. Deep, right? Trust me, you have no idea how much thinking I do these days.
If you must know, I’m single and really haven’t had much any luck in the categories of boyfriends, love, and anything that may come in between. Some of you are surely in disbelief having known me back in the day when I was a boyfriend magnet…in middle school and early high school. I must have used up all of my boyfriend cards on those 1-2 week relationships I ran through the halls of HMS and HHS. Since then, the ‘boyfriend’ title actually hasn’t been used. Sure there are a very ‘it’s complicated’s, ‘hook-ups’, and ‘we’re talking’s in my biography, but never anything more. Yep. Welcome to my life.
And I’m rambling here. A lot. Sorry about that, I guess I’m just not sure what to say to you and perhaps more nervous than I thought I’d be.
Why am I writing to you? To be honest, I am hoping that you can help me. Maybe you’re not able to and/or not willing, but I at least want to try. I do not feel like there’s any bad blood between us- from my perspective there is not, but perhaps it’s not fair for me to assume that you don’t. Do you? I know we were young when we knew one another, but I hope that I didn’t give you a reason not to like me. Did I?
Again, I ramble. Okay, I’m a little nervous about asking my question(s) because I’m not sure what your response will be.
What was I like when we were…together…or whatever we were? I don’t mean, Was I nice/funny/cool/popular? Instead I’m asking, what was I like as your girlfriend? As the girl you were talking to? As the girl you made out with? Please be honest with me. I need to know.
Did you like me? If it helps at all, I liked you too. Without coming across as crazy- which you may or may not think I am already- despite my probable feelings for you, I most likely ran away. Did I run away? (I’m sure I did.)
I don’t want to run away anymore. There, I said it. I could have saved both of us a lot of time if I would have started this letter with “Hi. How are you? I don’t want to run away anymore and I think you can help me change that.” But I guess I wanted to elaborate it so this last part makes more sense.
You know how people say, “It’s not you, it’s me.” Well it really was me, not you. Believe me when I say that. See, for some reason I have this natural-born tendency to run away. I’ve done it since middle and now, after all these years, I don’t even recognize that I’m doing it…until it’s too late.
I’m not writing this to get you back. That is certainly not my intention. But instead I’m asking you, someone who once knew me and/or genuinely cared for me, to tell me straight how I am. Flaws and all. I really want to change. I want to fall in love. I want to let someone love me.
People continuously ask me “Why don’t you have a boyfriend?” or make the comment “I cannot believe you don’t have a boyfriend”. The excuses get old and soon they just sounds like lies to me. I don’t want to lie anymore. I don’t want to run away.
Even if you do not respond, I want to thank you for taking the time to listen to my ramblings. You know, you’re still helping me even if you don’t reply with a laundry list of my flaws and irrational behaviors because I was able to open up to you here. So thank you.
Lastly, if by any chance I hurt you through my insecurities and actions, please accept my sincere apologies. Again it wasn’t you, it was definitely me.
Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift
So this is me swallowing my pride standing in front of you saying I’m sorry for that night