The long 4th of July weekend is coming to an end, and not one post has been typed by these fingers. But let me tell you that I’ve stared at this computer screen each of the past three days- multiple times- trying to capture all of the rubbish going on in my mind into words.
Nothing. Blogger’s block sounds like the correct terminology to use here. Whatever it is, it needs to end. Like I’ve said before, blogging is my therapy and I need therapy! It’s just not enough for me that it’s Monday and I’m not working…I need to cleanse my anxiety-ridden mind right now. Bear with me because I may find that once I start, all of the thoughts from Friday, Saturday, and Sunday are going to be purged onto this post. My sincere apologies.
This weekend marked another holiday that I spent away from family and friends. I’ve gotten used to it by now, but it’s still never easy. Actually ever since college, I’ve probably spent more holidays away from my family than ones with them. The excuse that I’ve made is, “…afterall it’s just another day”, but anyone who wears my shoes knows that there’s not a ton of truth in that statement. Fortunately, most of the time I’ve had friends and adoptive family members to take me in and help pass the day.
For the last two 4th of Julys I’ve spent my day with Karrie, here in Chicago. Instead of partaking in the Taste of Chicago and downtown fireworks, we enjoyed Scooter’s, fresh fruit, red wine, and a Twilight movie marathon. After watching Twilight and New Moon from the comfort of Karrie’s apartment, we spontaneously decided to bypass the fireworks for Eclipse. While this wasn’t the traditional/ exciting long weekend in Chicago, I have to say that it was exactly what my tired- rundown body and mind needed.
My friend Laura’s FB status yesterday read: Thinks that holidays in general are annoying for single people. I have to agree, although I’m definitely not drowning myself in liquor, wearing sweatpants, and sobbing about being single…and one of the reasons I adore Laura is because I know she isn’t either. But her status brought this thought to my attention: Why do single people feel like they’re the only single person in the world on holidays?
For a girl who has been single for the majority of her life, I really am okay with it. Now if I wasn’t still mending a broken heart and questioning the ways of the world, then I’m sure I’d feel even better about it….but that’s for another day (s) and another post (s). Though, let me play my woe is me card for just a second and share this experience with you, which is one of the things I”ve been trying to write about for the past few days.
On Saturday morning, for the first time since probably the beginning of January, I woke up without an alarm clock. Actually my body clock woke me up at 7 am-ish, and after cursing my clock, I rolled back over and slept until 10 am. Why? Because I could? However, I felt ‘off’ the rest of the day as I tried to make up for the lost few hours. (Note: Kids, it’s not a joke, you will not be able to sleep in when you get old(er) so enjoy it while you can.)
Waking up I found myself wishing that I was waking up next to someone- someone I care remotely about of course. This is one of the simply joyous pleasures in life, and one of the reasons that I would like to change my single status to at least an ‘it’s completed’. A few months ago I said that all I wanted was a guy that would spoil me by running down to Starbucks and grab me a Soy AmeriMisto before I woke up. I think Edward would do that for me. Maybe my ‘it’s complicated’ boy is a vampire? Where do I sign up for one of those?
People always ask me why I don’t have a boyfriend, or a friend will tell me that their boyfriend/husband asks them the question once they meet me and say how cute and nice I am. Typically I blush and smile with embarrassment before reaching into my bag of defense mechanisms for an “excuse”. Right now the one I’ve been using is, “Only crazies, gays and homeless men hit on me.”- which I swear is true! But in all honesty, I don’t know the reason behind the reason I don’t have a boyfriend…or any sort of boy-anything for that matter. It’s something that I spend time thinking about on the holidays when family, friends, and love…past love…are the underlying themes that play over and over again in my mind.
I’d be lying if I say that I didn’t imagine being at a (insert name here) family cookout, playing cornhole and drinking margaritas or wine with (insert name here)’s mom and dad. Or perhaps we’d be on a boat with our friends, telling the story of how we met, with his friends saying how they’d never seen him this happy.
What can I say…I am a dreamer. The Dave Matthews Band’s song Grey Street, might as well be about me:
Oh look at how she listens; She says nothing of what she thinks ; She just goes stumbling through her memories; Staring out onto Grey Street. And she thinks…hey…How did I come to this; I dreamed myself a million times around the world; But I can’t get out of this place.
The dreamer has become more of a do-er; however, evidence shows that once a dreamer, always a dreamer. If I could change it slightly, I would. But how do you change who you’ve always been? What you’ve always known?
Truthfully, I do not know how to be anything but single. I am the most selfless person, but when it comes to personal relationships I may be selfish. I say this because I know that I have so much love to give another and I honestly think that I’d make an A.MAY.ZING. girlfriend, but I just don’t know how to get ‘there’. The most important thing you’ll ever learn is just to love and be loved in returned. This line is on my mental playlist each and every day, and as much as I ‘hear’ it, when I look back I just wonder if anything has really changed? How many holidays have passed that I wished I had someone by my side to enjoy them with? How many more holidays will pass before this changes and I can go to bed with some and wake up next them?
This is another song that has resonated with me this past weekend after seeing it performed on So You Think You Can Dance. The song is Jar of Hearts by Christina Perri. I immediately attached myself to this song, for many reasons, but may favorite, most impactful moment in the performance comes at 1:18…but I think I’m going to come back to this in another post later on. Rather led me go with this line in the song as an end to this post: I learned to live half alive. Whether you’re still wounding a broken heart or just without love, you know that there’s also that empty part within you….the feeling that something is missing.
How does love make you feel so alive? How does not having it make you feel so dead inside? How does waking up next to someone, that you care about/love just make you feel whole inside; that you could lie there all day next to him, and that’s all you really need? And if there just so happens to be a cup of coffee next to you when you wake up, then do me a favor. Cancel all your plans for the day. Turn off your cell phone. Because everything you need is right there beside you.
We are formed and molded by our thoughts. Those whose minds are shaped by selfless thoughts give joy when they speak or act. Joy follows them like a shadow that never leaves them. (Buddha)