And this is why I love Yoga! I was literally in the middle of my first day of Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown DVD when the following thought came into my mind. Now as all Yogis, meditators, and readers/viewers of Eat. Pray. Love. know, you are supposed to tune out all thoughts, worries, and/or anxieties during your practice…but yeah, easier said then done. So my thought, which was elicited by lyrics in a song this morning that said: Can’t you see; When I find you, I find me. (When You Find Me by Joshua Radin)
I disagree…at least for me. My version is: When I find me, I’ll find you. It’s part of that whole ‘you cannot expect someone to love you until you love yourself’ secret that my mom wisely shared with me when I was a heartbroken twenty year old- a secret that I didn’t fully understand at the time. But with age came my right of passage to see the truth in those wise words.
Watching Eat. Pray. Love. last night, I am reminded of the scene (from the book as well) when Richard from Texas leads Liz up to the rooftop for her freedom exercise. He says, “You have to forgive yourself, Groceries.” (‘Groceries’ is his nickname for her.)
Instead of rambling because you know that’s something I tend to be guilty of, I’ll cut right to the chase: I cannot forgive myself. I am weighed down with more regret and ‘what ifs’ than I have time to deal with. Regret imprisons us and leads us longing for the freedom that we righteously deserve. The freedom that only we, as the regretful one, can grant to ourself. Releasing that regret and gaining the desired freedom seems so simple, and oh-so good. But why haven’t I been able to do it for myself yet? Should I travel to an Ashram in India to do so? Is that my only option?
To be completely honest, it’s almost impossible for me to not like someone and/or hold a grudge. Of course there are people from my past that I’d choose to stay away from, but for the most part there is absolutely no one person that I’d ever wish intention harm one. (Crazy…I know.) By saying that I think it’s safe to say that I am my own worst enemy; and therefore, the person that I most desperately need to forgive is myself.
When I watched this performance by Robert & Lauren on So You Think You Can Dance this week, I saw a different concept for the Pillow Routine based on my biased perspective/ life experience. To me, home (represented through the pillow) is peace. The kind of peace that replaces regret and worry. The peace that grants you the freedom to live effortlessly and courageously. I am getting closer to that peace, I can feel it. But how do I get there? How can I forgive myself and let go- once and for all?
When the past has passed from you at last, let go. Then climb down and begin the rest of your life. With great joy. (Eat. Pray. Love.)