“you have to forgive yourself, groceries”

And this is why I love Yoga!  I was literally in the middle of my first day of Jillian Michael’s Yoga Meltdown DVD when the following thought came into my mind.  Now as all Yogis, meditators, and readers/viewers of Eat. Pray. Love. know, you are supposed to tune out all thoughts, worries, and/or anxieties during your practice…but yeah, easier said then done.  So my thought, which was elicited by lyrics in a song this morning that said: Can’t you see; When I find you, I find me.  (When You Find Me by Joshua Radin)

I disagree…at least for me.  My version is: When I find me, I’ll find you.  It’s part of that whole ‘you cannot expect someone to love you until you love yourself’ secret that my mom wisely shared with me when I was a heartbroken twenty year old- a secret that I didn’t fully understand at the time.  But with age came my right of passage to see the truth in those wise words. 

Watching Eat. Pray. Love. last night, I am reminded of the scene (from the book as well) when Richard from Texas leads Liz up to the rooftop for her freedom exercise.  He says, “You have to forgive yourself, Groceries.” (‘Groceries’ is his nickname for her.)

Instead of rambling because you know that’s something I tend to be guilty of, I’ll cut right to the chase: I cannot forgive myself.  I am weighed down with more regret and ‘what ifs’ than I have time to deal with.  Regret imprisons us and leads us longing for the freedom that we righteously deserve.  The freedom that only we, as the regretful one, can grant to ourself.  Releasing that regret and gaining the desired freedom seems so simple, and oh-so good.  But why haven’t I been able to do it for myself yet?  Should I travel to an Ashram in India to do so?  Is that my only option?

To be completely honest, it’s almost impossible for me to not like someone and/or hold a grudge.  Of course there are people from my past that I’d choose to stay away from, but for the most part there is absolutely no one person that I’d ever wish intention harm one.  (Crazy…I know.)  By saying that I think it’s safe to say that I am my own worst enemy; and therefore, the person that I most desperately need to forgive is myself. 

When I watched this performance by Robert & Lauren on So You Think You Can Dance this week, I saw a different concept for the Pillow Routine based on my biased perspective/ life experience.  To me, home (represented through the pillow) is peace.  The kind of peace that replaces regret and worry.  The peace that grants you the freedom to live effortlessly and courageously.  I am getting closer to that peace, I can feel it.  But how do I get there?  How can I forgive myself and let go- once and for all?

When the past has passed from you at last, let go.  Then climb down and begin the rest of your life.  With great joy.  (Eat. Pray. Love.)


5 thoughts on ““you have to forgive yourself, groceries”

  1. What a great post! I love that thought so much: when I find me, I’ll find you. It makes me even more hopeful to find someone…because that will mean that I’ll have completely found myself. 🙂 That’s a great song, too! I just downloaded it and I think I’ve listened to it 10 times. Thanks!

  2. As frustrating as it can be, I know this is my fate. As much as I loved that boy, I now know that I wasn’t right for him back then (or anyone else) bc I had to work on me first. This little tidbit keeps me striving to better myself for so many reasons. I also think that it says a lot about a person if God thinks we’re strong enough to handle our journey (for so long) as a single woman- think of it that way and it reminds you that you’re only given obstacles that He knows you will overcome.

    *I hope that last point came out right.

  3. I love that last quote from Eat, Pray, Love! And I love this post! And I love your writing!

    I can’t wait to watch the movie — I’ve already read the book twice! Ahhh. Although to be honest, I feel like the movie isn’t going to be nearly as amazing as the book (because you know, it ALWAYS turns out that way), despite my love for Julia Roberts.

    1. Thanks Kate! I really believe in this concept. In my very tired state I just had a thought: I want to give the best possible me to someone worthy of giving his best to me. I know it’s the ‘maybe’ scenario, but maybe he’s bettering himself for me too- whomever ‘he’ may be.

      You’ll still enjoy the movie, especially because you get a visual of these gorgeous countries. If this whole concept is something that strikes a chord in you, like I know it does, then you’ll enjoy this story in any format.

  4. You know I’m flirting with the idea of trying the Freedom Activity (ie. like Liz did in India- E.P.L.) on my apt rooftop or at the beach. Can I do it?

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