you know what i don’t know. maybe there’s something wrong with me. because its not natural, its not womanly, maybe i am cold and heartless and dead inside.

Yes, that’s me.  My little brother, Nick, and me at the beach when we were 2 years old and 4 years old, respectively.  We’re pretty stinkin’ cute, if I can say so myself.  I love him so much!  He was actually such a terror at that age, if you couldn’t grasp that from the photo.  And apparently I was too.  Actually, friends of my parents that live here in Chicago met us for dinner last year and they openly expressed their pleasant surprise of “what a sweetheart (I am now)”.  Moving on…

This afternoon my colleague/friend, Selena, caught me off guard with an unexpected question: If you could change one thing about your childhood what would it be?

Silence. Thinking. More Thinking. Walls coming down.

My response: We never said “I love you” in my family.  We never expressed our love.  It wasn’t until I was older and realized how many of my friends’ family still say “I love you” consistently.  (More thinking.)  I wish my family practiced more open communication.  My parents never knew that they could be my friend as well as my parent.  I wish I knew that I could go to them about anything.  I still don’t talk to them about everything, even though I want to.  I wish that I knew, when I was younger, that it was okay to show weakness; to be vulnerable; and to lean on others when I’m not strong.

My parents are wonderful!  No matter what ‘issues’ I have, I do not blame them.  I grew up in a very stable household.  And there was love.  I don’t mean to give the wrong impression at all, but in answering Selena’s question that is certainly what I would have changed.  More love…there’s nothing wrong with that, right?

When I was a young girl I would dream about having a boyfriend.  Oddly enough, I never daydreamed about having a fiance nor a husband, just a boyfriend.  I had a romanticized view of love, that love conquers all you need is love.  Blame it on my parents’ success or those brainwashing romantic comedies?  Whatever the reason, it doesn’t take a scientist to figure out that I have issues.  Somewhere along the road of life they formed, and one day- hopefully sooner than later- I hope that I worked through all of them. 

After my declaration Selena coincidentally asked me if I’d ever been in love before.  (Yes.)  “Did you think you’d end up marrying him?” (Yes. Maybe. Probably.)  “How long were you together?”  There’s no need to get into all of the explanations I tried to come up with (aka excuses), but in essence I said, “I made mistakes.  I have regrets.  I still believe that he’s ‘the one’ for me.” 

AHHH!  It’s so hard to explain how I feel about this…about him.  GRRRrrrrrrr.

I also shared that I read something the other day in The Carrie Diaries that definitely sounded like a character description of yours truly: She has plenty of guy friends, but she’s always been too practical to get romantically involved. 

Is that what’s wrong with me?  Am I too practical?  In defending myself to Selena, (why did I feel the need?), I blatantly said, “Or maybe I’m just too picky?”  I also gave my genuine reason: “I think I’m a victim of the first love virus and always comparing the other guys to him.”

So I’m not quite sure how to end this post.  You know my brother and I bonded/joked that our parents’ successful marriage has impacted us both perhaps in the opposite way as it should have.  Neither of us have been successful with relationships, and actually neither of us really embark on any. 

Ironically I am A.MAY.ZING. at being there for other people and I am HORRIBLE at letting others be there for me.  Maybe I am, in a way, scarred by my non-traumatic, stable family life…riddle me that, Batman. ♥

______________________________________________________________________________________________

Oh yeah!  The title of the post is from a line by Dr. Arizona Robbins on Grey’s Anatomy. 

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One thought on “you know what i don’t know. maybe there’s something wrong with me. because its not natural, its not womanly, maybe i am cold and heartless and dead inside.

  1. My brothers and I never grew up having a close relationship. Even now, we still aren’t that close, however we are a lot closer now than we were before. Sometimes I envy my friends who have close relationships with their siblings. At the same time though, my brothers and I know that we would be there for each other if something ever happened. I don’t blame my parents for not having a close-knit family – every one is different. I’m just thankful that I have such a great relationship with my brothers, even if I only see them a couple times a year.

    xoxo

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