Archive for the ‘let me have a moment’ Category
If home is truly where the heart is, then Ohio will always be home.
Lately, as the thirties continue to make me more maternal and sentimental than I ever imagined being, I’ve been realizing more and more that my heart has been stranded there since I relocated to Chicago nearly five years ago.
And after a phone call from one of my best friends tonight, who is now a proud papa, I’m anxiously awake trying to gather my thoughts (by typing them out) and missing my friends back in Ohio.
Now I’m not going to sit here and go on and on about how A*MAY*ZING my college years in Ohio were because I’ve done than dozens of times on this blog before. But rather, I feel myself in being pulled back by my love for Ohio- mainly the people there that I love- and trying to fight the urge to go back to the place I once called home (even though my hometown is technically Pittsburgh, PA).
Here I am, thirty-years old and engaged to a great guy, not to be mention that I am living in one of the greatest cities in the world. That being said, there isn’t a thing I can complain about.
But as I mentioned in my last post, being in your late twenties/ thirties brings about its own set of growing up challenges. Life is no longer about being able to go out until 2 AM (or 4 AM here in Chicago) on Thursdays, Fridays, and Saturdays. Instead, weekends are about visiting with family and friends, catching up on work deadlines, and resting up for the week ahead.
That being said, with the large majority of my (closest) friends living in Ohio and other non-Chicago cities, it’s becoming hard for me to adjust to changes in my life without my friends nearby to join me for the ride.
So here it is, once again: Chicago vs. Ohio. With Cubby’s whole life here in Chicago, not to mention his goals and dreams as well, it doesn’t seem possible that Ohio will be incorporated into our plans.
But, is that what I want?
I guess that’s what I’m trying to figure out.
Lately it seems like I’m trying to figure out a lot of things about my life. #cheerstogrowing up #thirties
A few weeks ago, my dad asked me, “Do you still have your blog?” I answered with a strong “yes”, but then found myself explaining (aka making excuses) that while I have a blog, it’s not necessarily something that I would classify it as an active blog. And for those of you who have read my blog before, you will certainly agree with me.
Thirteen months ago, my life changed when I met my boyfriend, who I have referred to as Cubby, in my favorite country bar on good ole fashioned Sunday Funday here in Chicago. Thirteen months ago was also about halfway through my two-year graduate school program and near the time that my internship applications were due. In addition, it was also around the time that I made the decision to renew my one-bedroom apartment lease for another year, and rationing that it would be the last time since a year later I was planning to apply for positions across the country following my graduation.
But that was then, and this is now. Now I am sitting here surrounded by boxes anxiously waiting for the next three sleeps to pass so I can move into my new apartment with “my keeper” of a boyfriend. Now I am also in possession of a Master’s Degree and the completion of a competitive internship.
Thirteen months ago, I made the decision to go outside my comfort zone and allowed the boy from the bar to take me out on a date. About twelve months ago, I allowed myself to call that boy my boyfriend. And about seven months ago, I allowed myself to my vulnerable with that boy by letting him move into my bachelorette pad of an apartment… and into my life in every way.
The past thirteen months since Cubby came into my life have been a beautiful blur of love and happiness, as well as the stress and challenges that school and relationships bring. But more than anything, these past thirteen months have helped me find the confidence within myself that I had been searching to rediscover for many years now.
What I’ve learned more than anything is how much one can grow when you allow yourself to take a step outside your comfort zone. As far as my story goes, by allowing myself to fall in love with Cubby and allowing him to love me, I’ve learned to love myself.
For the past two weeks, I’ve been telling myself to Just blog it out. That used to always make you feel better. But the truth is, I’ve stared at this screen many nights trying to do just that and absolutely nothing comes out. There’s no image of motivation, or song lyric for inspiration. No title to begin, and no Answer to Life to end on. So instead I’ve tossed and turned nearly every night trying to figure out what’s going on with me. Where is my head at? What’s causing my sleepless nights? Why can’t I just seem to shake the old Something’s Wrong funk off?
This image of a cartoon Dorothy and the whole Wizard of Oz theme really seem to be the only things that seem to hit the spot with how I’m feeling right now. To put it best, for the past few hours I’ve been finding myself thinking, Where I am?, What am I doing here?, and How did I get here?.
Between you and me, I haven’t felt this lost & confused in a while… which is evident from the lack of blog posts from yours truly. While life has been busy this past year, especially with grad school, internship, and boyfriend, it really hasn’t been that bad. But now, with the end of internship and grad school drawing near, not to mention the lease on the apartment that I’ve lived since moving to Chicago over four years ago, I’m really starting to wonder What’s Next?
As exciting as it is, I’m starting to feel the pressures of my old frenemy, The Unknown.
In my strong moments, I have all the confidence in the world in knowing that after proving to myself that I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. I dream about the possibilities of living in a warmer climate and falling in love with a new city and new job. But when I’m hindered by anxiety and uncertainty, the questions begin swirling around in my head. What about your relationship? What about all your friends and networks here? How can you afford to move somewhere else? Can you really move further away from your family? What if no one will hire you?
There’s just a lot of questions right now, and unfortunately I’m not very close to any answers. But despite all that, I’m far from giving up. If anything, this is really that Time before something Amazing happens and then you find yourself wondering why you were worried in the first place.
I’m waiting for my Something Amazing to happen. I’m ready for all the pieces to come together and I can finally understand what all these blog days (and, essentially, the big move to Chicago) were all about.
More than anything, I’m ready to put aside the books and student loans and find my passion again. It’s visited in bits and pieces over the past two years, but I’m really missing it. I need it back again.
When you’re twenty-nine years old and only beginning your first relationship, people tend to ask, “Why?” to defend that there is nothing wrong with you. But they might as well save their breath, because there actually is something wrong with you. I mean how is it that you can be mere months away from a milestone decade with only one notch on your girlfriend chart? Come on! That’s not normal!
This twenty-nine year old with “something wrong” is obviously me.
Two weeks ago I finally dropped my walls and faced up to the “something wrong” that has held me back for nearly half of my life. It hasn’t been easy, in fact it’s been quite scary, but so far it has been worth it. So much weight has dropped off my shoulders; however, while I’ve felt some sense of relief, life has been far from easy. In fact, it’s been pretty difficult.
As I sit here tonight, with a few tears in my eyes, I can only wish that I would have faced up to my struggle sooner. When I think about it, I believe that my struggles began when I was in eighth grade, which would have been fifteen years ago. Fifteen years of depression is just too long, and what makes it worse is thinking about much I’ve held myself back from.
Without a doubt, love is the biggest sacrifice that my depression has forced me to make. In a way, I guess you can say that it’s also my biggest regret for not conquering these demons of mine way back when. I’ve already let it hold me back from potentially being with who I believe was the love of my life (which unfortunately I still regret more than anything in my life), but now I’m a bit fearful that it’s always going to hold me back. I could say more about that, but today really isn’t the night to do so. Sorry.
While I intended to include more in this post, unfortunately I’m not feeling like much of a blogger tonight. After a great day of babysitting, tonight has proven to be a little bit rough. But if I can leave you with one last thing, it’s this: Please don’t let anything, hold you back from love or happiness, as I have. In talking to one of my best friends today, she said, “Kris, I just want you to be happy. You deserve to be so happy.”
We all deserve to be happy. Unfortunately, those of us who struggle with this depression don’t believe that we do, which is why we don’t seek treatment right away. But I’m here to tell you that we do, indeed, deserve to be happy. We really do. And from what I’ve been told, you can find that happiness when you drop down your walls and let yourself be helped.
The Story- Brandi Carlile
I used to call myself a dreamer. There really was no better way to describe who I was. I used to spend my days reminiscing about past memories- and all those regrets in my childhood- and daydreaming about what the future held for me.
I haven’t done much dreaming lately. In fact, for the past year- maybe year and a half- I really haven’t dreamed at all. Incidentally, I also haven’t done much blogging either. I thought that I was just tired, or perhaps going through blogger’s block. But since yesterday, I can’t ignore the facts anymore: I’ve been struggling with depression.
Earlier this year I came out about my depression (and wrote a post about it), but to be honest, I never really stepped up and dealt with it… which is why I’m still not dreaming yet.
But I’m stepping up now. Thanks to my wonderful boyfriend and a few supportive friends, I was able to say, “I can’t do this anymore.” I really can’t. I’m not going to sit here and share all of my struggles, because even though I’ve vowed to be very honest on this little old blog of mine, some things really are meant just for me and those closest to me.
Although, that being said, I have a reason behind this acknowlegement: Please don’t hide from your problems like I have. If you’re suffering from depression, please take my lead and find the strength within yourself (I promise it’s there.) to notify a doctor or psychiatrist, or even an understanding friend or family member. Trust me, I know it isn’t easy, but you are certainly worth it.
One more thing: So I haven’t really been much of a blogger for the past year, so this may not really come as a surprise. But with everything going on (grad school, internship, studying, trying to have a social life) in addition to my struggle, I’m not sure how much I’ll be on here. Initially I was going to announce an official leave of absence, but I’m just not sure if that will be the case or not. So if this is the last post I write for a while- maybe a few months- then don’t be surprised. But then again, I may be compiling a post in a few days. Who knows.
But whatever the case may be, until the next time I feel the need to blog, take care of yourself.
Can I really (still) call myself a blogger if I never blog? I mean seriously, it’s been months since I’ve actually typed up some resemblance of a clusterf**k/ written therapy that consists of letters, words, and emotional ramblings. What the heck happened??? Where I have been??? What have I been doing instead???
Well, let me start by saying that Summer 2012 has seen a lot of changes. For starters, I’ve been experiencing the summer months through a relationship witha great guy (Cubby) and working through the ups-and-downs that come with the boyfriend-girlfriend status. (Note: Even despite the “downs”, Cubby has proven to be a fantastic guy/ boyfriend.) Additionally, I’ve spent the last few weeks officially unemployed after ending my gig as nanny extraordinaire. (Unfortunately, unemployed translates to NO MONEY. Yeah, it’s been a little rough, to say the least.) Grad school has also kept me quite busy this summer, but I’ve been lucky to have a month-long break to combat the past year’s philosophy of Eat-Work- Grad School- (Relationship)- Sleep.
However, I can say that this summer has also allotted some great news too: I’m going to be doing my (required) Child Life internship this fall at a local hospital in Chicago. The dream is continuing to come true.
This summer has also allowed me to spend time with a out-of-town friends (who visited The Windy City). But although that’s been a perk, I’ve been struggling to spend time with my local friends- primarily due to schedule conflicts and being in a relationship. I promise I’m not saying the latter is a bad thing (!!!), but rather it’s something that I’ve (finally) been able to experience firsthand.
In any case, this summer has been a bit of a whirlwind for me and I really haven’t had much time to blog. Then again, even when I have had time, I can’t say that I’ve felt as though I have anything to blog about. (Call it blogger’s block? Or am I simply struggling to express myself?) Well, while I can’t predict the future, I will say that I hope to jump back on the blog-wagon soon and start writing more. After all, I think I could use a little blog therapy these days.
Hope all is well with you (whoever you are that actually read this).
I know it’s been a while, so I should probably start off by stating that I’m still someone’s girlfriend; which means I have a boyfriend. But that being said, I’m having a little trouble tonight with him- although, it really does have much more to do with me than him. In fact, he’s done absolutely nothing but be wonderful… which may be my problem overall. (Seriously, he’s fantastic!)
Okay… I’m just going to come out and say it because I’m actually completely confused right now by how I’m feeling. So here it goes. Out there for everyone (or whoever reads this) to hear: Maybe I’m really not the girlfriend type. I mean, here I am… with a fantastic boyfriend who thinks the world of me, and I just can’t drop the guard and let myself be with him. In a way, I’m afraid of letting him fall for me? I don’t know. Honestly, I’m trying to figure out what’s going on inside of me as much as you are as you read this post.
On that note, I think I’m going to leave it at this. I know I owe you (and me) a much longer post, followed by many other long posts, but unfortunately I’ve found myself in a blogger’s block. Maybe it’s the relationship, and the fact that I don’t really have guy problems to vent about. (Maybe?) Although, based on tonight’s reflections, I think I need to utilize this blog of mine as an outlet since I’m struggling a bit right now to hold onto myself as I continue along with this new role as an amazing someone’s girlfriend.