Archive for the ‘we live & we learn’ Tag
In some ways I’m proud of that chapter. I fought for love. I had poison ivy. You know, I lost, but I really fought.
(Addison, Private Practice.)
I knew I had to get over him so when the cute, movie-inspired idea of getting over a guy in 10 days popped into my mind, I really thought I could make it happen. After all I did that Master Cleanse for 10 days+, so why couldn’t I do this? I mean I’ve always been stubborn-minded enough to know that I would achieve something once I set a goal. Why couldn’t I do this? If I could do that, then this shouldn’t be that hard?
For the last few years I’ve stated my claim that you cannot force feelings. You cannot force yourself to have feelings for someone nor can you for someone to have feelings for you. That being said, these last ten days I was reminded that you also cannot stop yourself from having feelings for someone, nor can you force someone to stop having feelings for you. Instead, it happens over time…and not necessarily ten days. Not to mention most people don’t tend to get over someone until they find someone new.
Now I cannot necessarily say that I met someone new nor are my feelings for “Cleveland” completely dunzo. But I can report that I haven’t thought about him much nor have I contacted him these last three days. In other words, I’m feeling much better than I was at this time last week- which has a lot to do with staying busy and distracted by school work and something else I”m not going to talk about. But I do still miss him, which was confirmed during those 10 days of trying to get over him. I miss him because, even though I tried to fight it for 3 months, the chemistry was there. Sometimes two people just have a connection; and sometimes, despite that connection, two people just cannot be together…which is why I have to continue to get over him.
I’ve received such sage advice from others who have “been in the same place before”, which really has helped me in the getting over “Cleveland” process. They’ve shared that- it’s best to have no contact…delete all of his texts & emails… don’t check his Facebook page… let yourself feel… you can do so much better with someone who can give you what you deserve… he’s not good enough for you… he is being selfish to you… focus on you for now… it’s easier if you don’t see him again…(and so on).
But the best advice I’ve received was from my dear friend, Kate, who painted the picture oh-so clearly in saying, “Affairs like mine and yours are like a drug. It’s like an addiction, you keep going back for more because of the instant gratification (attention, sex, etc) that the guy gives you.” Immediately upon reading that, I realized that Kate was right. My attraction to him- physically, emotionally, and sexually- made me crave him, as though he was my addiction. I was high when he I had him, yet distraught when he was absent. I longed to have him again, even going as far as to making excuses as to why I “needed” him. I never needed him…I just wanted him. He was my drug of choice; everything I thought I needed to feel good. But what I’ve learned through this 10-day process is that I really am okay with out him.
So while I failed to get over “Cleveland” in ten days, I cannot say that I’m a failure. In fact, I have no regrets about the 10-day pact that I made myself and the slip-ups that I had along the way. Do I wish that I could say that I went 10 days without contacting him? Absolutely! Do I wish that I could say “I’m over him”? Of course. But as Addison said, I am proud of the lessons learned in this chapter of my life. And because of what I’ve learned, I know that one day I’ll finally get over “Cleveland”.
Closure. This is ultimately the one thing that people seek following a break-up. Others may want their favorite sweatshirt back, or perhaps a hot new fling, but most who have ever gotten their heart broken in the history of broken hearts will confirm that closure is the ideal parting gift.
Now I can’t quite say that “Cleveland” and I have just gone through a break-up because, quite frankly, we were never really in a relationship, per say. However, I am able to admit that this may be the most amount of closure I’ve ever received from the ending of a “relationship”. It still hasn’t been easy, especially the whole missing him part, but at least there are no unanswered questions or doubts. I know all that I need to know in order to let go and move on.
Sometimes two people meet for a reason; a reason that may not fully be understood for a while- if ever. Looking back on the past three months since the night “Cleveland” and I met, there is certainly evidence of serendipity. To be blunt, I think my presence allowed him to finally address some things in his life- things that he may have continued to repressed if our meeting never took place.
His entry into my life made a difference too. For one, he showed me that someone is willing to take a chance on me. And he not only told me that I was beautiful, but he made me feel it.
These last few days I’ve thought about him more than I’d like to admit. But I haven’t cried, nor will I. Instead, I think of him and smile. Yes, I miss him. And he says he misses me. But I also know that while we may have been meant to enter one another’s lives, the plan never indicated that we would stay. When we said our goodbyes, I knew we meant them. I knew we had to.
Song of the Moment: Over You by Miranda Lambert
This really shouldn’t be bothering me. (But it is.) This is exactly what I always knew I had to do. (But maybe I had a little bit of hope that I’d never have to?) As foolish as I was feeling last week, I’m feeling twice that today. I’m also disappointed (in him) and perhaps a bit angry. What is the point in lying to someone? Why lie to someone who has not only been patient and given you the benefit of every single doubt, but someone who has been completely honest with you too? Doesn’t sound fair, does it? But then again I cannot blame him because I should have walked away a while ago.
I shouldn’t have been waiting for him to call yesterday morning, even if he said he would. I shouldn’t have been laying around- failing to concentrate on my studying- hoping that the phone would ring and we’d finally have time together again. And when he didn’t, I shouldn’t have been at the point where I was so let down.
I shoudn’t have let myself get to the point where his actions- or better put, lack thereof- would hurt me as much as they have. I thought I protected myself enough to not let it hurt. But somewhere between his last visit and my final words, “Good luck with everything.”, I let myself be vulnerable enough to get hurt. I told him I’d take a chance (on him) and I guess I really did.
I’m not sure if I want to say anything else or if there’s even anything left to say. In truth, I want him to say some things but his unexplained absence has me doubting that wish will come true. I can’t wait around anymore. I’ve done too much of that already.
I just wish someone would have told me, as a young girl, to never believe a guy when he says he’s going to call. If I could change one thing about this world, I’d tell all the little girls never to believe a guy when he says he’s going to call. That’s what I would do. I would say, “He won’t, so don’t wait around believing he will. Never wait around for a boy to call.”
I told him I was trouble. (I’m really not.) I said it to him- more than once- because I felt like I had to. Between the words he said and the way he looked at me, I knew I had to give him every reason to walk away. More for his sake than mine. Actually, if we’re being honest here, I never wanted him to walk away but I knew he had to. And if he wouldn’t, I knew I’d have to do it for him.
We joked that it was complicated, but never truly laughed about the situation we found ourselves in. It is what it is. Unfair? Certainly. One of life’s great tragedies? I don’t know if I’d go that far. But in essence, it definitely sucked to know that it never stood a chance. I couldn’t let it. I couldn’t let him lose everything for me. I always knew that if he wouldn’t walk away, then I’d do it for him.
“I’m selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle.” Marilyn Monroe said this about herself and I used her theory as my own- (in hopes) to make it easier for us both. I (tried to) ignored his sweet words of affection- which he called me out on- because I didn’t know how I could keep my defenses up if I believed them. And now here I am, missing them. But if I have to miss them to protect him, then missing them is what I’ll make myself do.
I’m a little bit hurt right now. Somewhat confused. But if this is how I need to feel for him to be okay, then I’ll do it for him. I just wish it wasn’t so complicated. I wish I could have returned his affectionate words with my own. I wish I could have dropped my guard completely. I wanted to, but there was just too much for him to lose. And if he doesn’t come back, though I wish he would, I hope that he understands and realizes how unselfish I really am.
Song of the Moment: Words I Couldn’t Say performed by Leighton Meester
(I’m back for this post, but still need to stay away just a little longer.)
The good news is that I’m feeling much better. The aftershock of the panic attack wore off sometime on Saturday afternoon and I made the decision to partake in some girls’ night out adventures. Though hesitant because of my crappy week, I had no excuses. So I threw something together, put on my face, and headed out for a date with my city. With the lights and sounds of cars, buses, and trains in the background, the cool summer night had potential- if I would allow so. After dinner with the girls and a round of Jager bombs, I decided to let the night take me where it may.
I had no idea what the night had in store, and even looking back I’m having a hard time putting all the pieces together. A lot happened that night, and because of what happened I’m struggling a bit. Shades of gray are compromising my mind, and the choice between right and wrong has never seemed so blurred. But without saying more, even though I’m struggling a bit, I do know who I am and what I have to do.
In order to write this post to the best of my ability, I must admit that I’ve been watching The Bachelorette this season. Now in mentioning this, it is necessary to remind you that I’ve stuck with my boycott and haven’t watched a single episode of The Bachelor since the Jake-Choosing-Vienna moment shook my guilty pleasure TV-watching world. (Bachelor Boycott Begins post)
Anyways… for those of you who haven’t had the privilege to watch this season of The Bachelorette with me, I’ll tell you that I’m the President of Team JP. Every viewing party can be summarized by me saying, “This show is ridiculous!” and expressing my love for JP: Ashley is crazy if she lets this guy get away. He’s the kind of you always hope to find. Therefore if she doesn’t choose him, then it’s certainly her loss. (Maybe my gain? Wishful thinking…)
Okay, I’m not really love with him; however, this past episode certainly caused my admiration for him to skyrocket. In reference to his previously broken heart, he spoke the most honest words that can only be learned through such a soul-wrenching experience (aka love).
He said, “Unless I completely put myself out there and expose my vulnerability and allow myself to get hurt, there’s no way that we could ever work. I’ve accepted the fact of all of this, if I get completely crushed and heartbroken at least I can walk away saying I gave that everything I had and I was open to everything and it just didn’t work out.”
He’s right, and anyone who has allowed themselves to learn lessons from their heartbreak will agree too. For one, I agree. Now I could come up with a line of my own, but I’m going to borrow Martha Beck’s infamous line instead: “Every instance of heartbreak can teach us powerful lessons about creating the kind of love we really want.” While it takes time and some good cries to figure this out, the ultimate lesson that one learns thru a broken heart is “Take a deep breath, put on a smile and a bundle of confidence, and try again.”
JP’s outlook is one that we should all adopt. Whether you’re going on The Bachelorette (hopefully not), a singleton looking for love (lust) or a rookie in the relationship game, it’s best to have the attitude that you’ll give it all you got and trust that whatever happens, happens. Be Honest with Yourself. Be Open with Others. Live with No Regrets. And most importantly, Don’t Be Afraid to Fall in Love or Have Someone Fall in Love with You.
Yesterday one of my best friends posed an interesting question my way. She asked, “Do you think you were in love with Casey?” I answered honestly and said I believe so because of how much I cared about him- and still do. But that being said, I know that the regrets I’ve had over him are the result of me not putting myself out there. This is also why it took me for-ev-er to get over him. But like I’ve said above, heartbreak tends to be the best way to learn lessons. Afterall, mistakes are the best teacher.
So like my dear JP, I’ve learned a lot from my broken heart. Most importantly, I’ve learned a lot about myself. And while my confidence level still tends to depend on the day, I can say that I’ve been more comfortable (than I ever could have imagined) taking chances and putting myself on the line. I’ve been exposing my vulnerabilities and allowing myself to dabble in situations to which I could get hurt. If we’re being honest here, I’ll tell you that I’ve been a little scared lately- after learning how vulnerable I’ve let myself become; however, I have no regrets. If anything, I’m so grateful that I’ve grown enough to let myself do so. Because like that cute guy on The Bachelorette said, “…at least I can walk away saying I gave that everything I had and I was open to everything and it just didn’t work out.”
The title of this song is lyrics from For You by Angus & Julia Stone.