Archive for the ‘moving on’ Tag
As I vowed in a previous post, http://livelovelearnbreathe.com/2012/02/23/40-days-and-40-nights/, my Lenten promise was to give up all contact with the man known as Cleveland. To be fair, I did break that pact, but only once. (Sorry, Jesus.) And in my defense, the communication that I did have was a very short and innocent text that, at the time, I felt was my final “Goodbye. I finally moved on.” To tell you the truth, at that time that I confidently sent Cleveland the text, I really was convinced that my feelings were gone. But tonight, as I sit here with visions of him on my mind, I find myself relapsing after the hiatus.
What is it about him that I just can’t seem to fully let go of? Was it our chemistry? His insistent pursuit? The fact that he took a chance on me when no other guy has really done that? Or the fact that because I can’t have him, I want him even more? But then again, am I just stressed out (yes!) from all the running around and mounds of school work that I turn to him (and the memories and chemistry we share) when I find myself needing a destressing time-out?
Even though Lent ended today, I haven’t considered contacting him. Would I like to? Of course. But I know I wouldn’t hear back from him so really what’s the point? Sure, my fearless side says, “Take a chance.” However, common sense says, over and over again, “Let it go.”
To tell you the truth, I had absolutely no idea that today was the first day of Lent (aka Ash Wednesday) until I heard it mentioned on the radio around 8:15 am CT. So since then, I’ve been thinking about what I could give up for Lent. Hmmmmm…
Nah? That’s something I really don’t have to “give up” since they aren’t too prevalent in my life anyways.
Diet Coke? Yes!! I need to give up that since I shouldn’t be drinking it in the first place. (Note: So, I gave up pop back in high school- for Lent actually- and went about 12 years without drinking it, with the exception being with rum, etc. However, for some reason, Diet Coke found it’s way back into my life a few weeks ago. But now…it’s got to go!)
Okay, but there’s something else I need to give up for Lent. Something more difficult then abandoning pop, perhaps? I think I can think of something.
And I did.
For the next 40 days and 40 nights, I vow to not contact Cleveland. I will not text him. I will not email him. I will not call him, and therefore, I will not leave him a voicemail. Additionally, since we’re living in a Facebook World, I will not write him a message either. Even when I’m drunk and missing him, I will not contact him through any of these formats nor others that were not mentioned. Starting now, for at least the next 40 days and 40 nights, I will stand by my pact and have no contact, whatsoever.
So now it’s official. Now I cannot make any excuses- including when I’m drunk. I have to stick to this Lenten plan. I have to see it through. I have to let him go- once and for all.
In some ways I’m proud of that chapter. I fought for love. I had poison ivy. You know, I lost, but I really fought.
(Addison, Private Practice.)
I knew I had to get over him so when the cute, movie-inspired idea of getting over a guy in 10 days popped into my mind, I really thought I could make it happen. After all I did that Master Cleanse for 10 days+, so why couldn’t I do this? I mean I’ve always been stubborn-minded enough to know that I would achieve something once I set a goal. Why couldn’t I do this? If I could do that, then this shouldn’t be that hard?
For the last few years I’ve stated my claim that you cannot force feelings. You cannot force yourself to have feelings for someone nor can you for someone to have feelings for you. That being said, these last ten days I was reminded that you also cannot stop yourself from having feelings for someone, nor can you force someone to stop having feelings for you. Instead, it happens over time…and not necessarily ten days. Not to mention most people don’t tend to get over someone until they find someone new.
Now I cannot necessarily say that I met someone new nor are my feelings for “Cleveland” completely dunzo. But I can report that I haven’t thought about him much nor have I contacted him these last three days. In other words, I’m feeling much better than I was at this time last week- which has a lot to do with staying busy and distracted by school work and something else I”m not going to talk about. But I do still miss him, which was confirmed during those 10 days of trying to get over him. I miss him because, even though I tried to fight it for 3 months, the chemistry was there. Sometimes two people just have a connection; and sometimes, despite that connection, two people just cannot be together…which is why I have to continue to get over him.
I’ve received such sage advice from others who have “been in the same place before”, which really has helped me in the getting over “Cleveland” process. They’ve shared that- it’s best to have no contact…delete all of his texts & emails… don’t check his Facebook page… let yourself feel… you can do so much better with someone who can give you what you deserve… he’s not good enough for you… he is being selfish to you… focus on you for now… it’s easier if you don’t see him again…(and so on).
But the best advice I’ve received was from my dear friend, Kate, who painted the picture oh-so clearly in saying, “Affairs like mine and yours are like a drug. It’s like an addiction, you keep going back for more because of the instant gratification (attention, sex, etc) that the guy gives you.” Immediately upon reading that, I realized that Kate was right. My attraction to him- physically, emotionally, and sexually- made me crave him, as though he was my addiction. I was high when he I had him, yet distraught when he was absent. I longed to have him again, even going as far as to making excuses as to why I “needed” him. I never needed him…I just wanted him. He was my drug of choice; everything I thought I needed to feel good. But what I’ve learned through this 10-day process is that I really am okay with out him.
So while I failed to get over “Cleveland” in ten days, I cannot say that I’m a failure. In fact, I have no regrets about the 10-day pact that I made myself and the slip-ups that I had along the way. Do I wish that I could say that I went 10 days without contacting him? Absolutely! Do I wish that I could say “I’m over him”? Of course. But as Addison said, I am proud of the lessons learned in this chapter of my life. And because of what I’ve learned, I know that one day I’ll finally get over “Cleveland”.
Sunday, November 27, 2011: The 10th day of getting over “Cleveland”
Truthfully, I think I said most of what I needed to say in the post written earlier today, though I do need to check in on Day 10 and note that I’m still standing. Actually I’m feeling the best I have in the last few days, even if I am tired and writing a paper. I’ll say more about “Cleveland” tomorrow and where I stand after these last 10 days, but for now I just want to document that I feel okay.
Saturday, November 26, 2011: The 9th day of getting over “Cleveland”.
Last week my friend, Katy, told me, “Don’t forget to let yourself feel.” While I knew she was right, I’ve been holding off on doing that because I was doing so well the first few days and feared that I would relapse if I took a day to do just that. Well, since I relapsed anyways, I decided to let myself feel today. I think I really needed to do that, so thank you so much for the wonderful suggestion, Katy.
So where am I now, at 5:45 pm on a Saturday night? Well, I can start by saying that I’m in a much better place than I was these past 3 days. I’ve spent most of the day taking care of myself and letting myself feel everything that I’ve been trying to suppress for a while now- including stuff not directly relating to “Cleveland”. (More on this in another post.) By acknowledging some of this stuff, I’ve begun to see why I’ve struggled to let him go. And for the record, no matter what I say or have said, I did like him- even if I fought myself to make sense of it.
Katy also told me that it may help to write him a letter- even if I don’t send it. Although I’ve said some things over emails and texts to him, I never really let myself say everything. Maybe I need to- for me. To be honest, I think I need him to write me a letter but he never will. I don’t think I’m feeling up to that right now, but don’t be surprised if you see Day 10’s post including a letter.
Friday, November 25, 2011: The 8th day of getting over “Cleveland”.
On day 8, she unfriended him on Facebook and erased the video she once posted to his wall. It’s better if he doesn’t have any recollection of me, she thought. That’s a lie because I know he’s never going to forget me, but I need to forget about him.
It’s been a rough couple of days, and probably a coincidence that I’ve allowed my feelings for “Cleveland” to come back into play again to avoid dealing with the other stuff. While trying to take care of a heartbroken friend, I came into conflict with my own anxiety and sadness- two things that I was able to mask when “Cleveland” was around making me feel wanted and beautiful. Maybe even making me feel like he was somewhat in love with me.
I think I’m going to leave it at this for now. My eyes are pretty drained from crying and my body is still tense from all the stress I’ve felt in the last few days. I think another post may be in order today and if that is the case, just bear with me. There’s a lot of stuff I’ve been repressing and may need to get out.
Thursday, November 24, 2011: The 7th day of getting over “Cleveland”.
I’m disappointed that I have to write this post, but I made a promise (mostly to myself) that I would track these 10 days during my pact to get over the guy I refer to as “Cleveland”. After doing so well for the first few days, I’m recalling the slip-ups that occured last night. Yes, I was drunk. Very drunk. I have the headache, shame, hazy memory, and a bruise on my shin to prove it.
I have to admit that the downfall started when Jenny’s text accidentally went to him instead on Monday night. Since then he’s been poking his way into my mind and making me toss & turn at night. So when I unexpectantly saw a picture of him out last night (Thanks, Facebook.), I let myself get drunk enough for me to forget that such a pact ever existed. Yes, I texted him; which led to us texting for a bit. I actually deleted all of the texts last night so I have no idea what was said, but no matter what my guilt is still running high today.
I miss him. I know I told him that. But I didn’t admit to him that I miss him wanting me. I miss knowing that someone wants me. I didn’t tell him that I’m having a hard time in several ways and that he has the tendency to make me feel better just by saying, “Hello beautiful.”
Even though my hangover is getting the best of me today, I know that today is day 7 and I have to be over him in 3 days. While I may have stumbled these last few days, I haven’t changed my mind that I need to get over him. I promise, I will.