Archive for the ‘trust yourself’ Tag

breathe and trust. silence those fears.   2 comments

As soon as you trust yourself, you will know how to live.
Johann Wolfgang von Goethe
 
It’s interesting how a new guy can make you realize the doubts and insecurities you have.  It may take a few days, call it the new crush honeymoon period if you will, but then all of a sudden your mind starts playing those darn tricks on you again.  Why hasn’t he texted me?  When will I see him again?  Does he really like me?  Boys.  They are put on this earth to drive our already-crazy minds even crazier. 
 
 
No, but seriously, what’s up with me?  I was many hours (and drinks) into Sunday Funday and had no expectations going into the date he proposed.  But now, after having a fantastic first date, here I am struggling with all those troubling thoughts that have scarred me over the past several dateless years.  GRrrr…come on girl, get yourself together!!
 
After mentioning my successful date to a dear friend of mine, she responded, “Breathe and trust.  Silence those fears.”  To be honest, when this message came through I was feeling ridiculously confident and still high from the amazing kissing that concluded our date.  (Yes, I kissed him on the first date.  Actually, I kissed him before our first date, but that’s a whole different story.)  But I found myself thankful for her encouraging words when those fears started surfacing the very next day. 
 
Breathe and trust.  Silence those fears.  That’s what’s keeping my anxious mind (and heart) from falling victim to the worries.  Between you and me, I’ve let my fears hold me back for a very long time- much longer than I’ve ever admitted to on this blog- but I really feel like it’s time to trust myself again- and maybe learn to let myself trust someone else too. 

if you ask me there’s a moment in everybody’s life when you’re helpless; just helpless with hope and trust.   2 comments

If there was a caption to this photo, I’d like to think it would be the following: {here is my heart. put it back together again if you dare.}  Or maybe: {i’m letting it all go.}  Yeah, that’s what it would read.  One of those two.  So, which one is it for you?  For me it’s the latter.  Especially today.  Today I really am letting it all go.

Things with “Cleveland” are officially over and even though I’ve had a hard time with it, we both know that it’s for the best.  I may need a few glasses of wine until I really believe that, but then again I really have known it all along.  But I had to let it go, once and for all; and I needed to know that he was letting me go too.

Tears unexpectedly filled my eyes yesterday- which is something I was’t going to admit to, but guess that just changed.  I don’t think they were tears of sadness.  I don’t think my heart was broken, because, to be honest, I never let myself be completely vulnerable with “Cleveland” for the simple reason that I couldn’t.  (I always knew it would end.)  But instead they were tears of hope and trust.  Hope that better days are ahead for both of us, following this decision; and trust that within ourselves we uncovered that it was truly for the best.

I cannot say that I’ve ever been in a position like this before.  I was literally fighting myself every single day between what I knew was right and what I wanted.  Somehow, I mustered up the strength- or perhaps ignorance- to be selfish and give myself what I wanted.  I let myself take a chance on something I could never have; and while I hate saying it, I don’t regret it.  I don’t regret having this knowledge and experience.  I don’t regret taking a chance on him.

So with hope and trust, I’m letting it go… once and for all.

it’s not always fireworks and shooting stars; sometimes it’s a simple spark within that whispers, ‘you’re on your way’.   Leave a comment

As fireworks lit up the Chicago skyline on Monday night, I laid in my bed falling asleep to the sounds of my city as memories began flashing through my mind.  Alone in my apartment for the first time in ten nights, the booms from the finale reminded me that another Fourth of July had passed- and somehow it was my third in Chicago. 

In early July 2009, I sat in my friends’ apartment on a hot summer afternoon and had my tarot cards read (for the first time).  At the time I was struggling to find my place in Chicago and therefore, hoped to find some ‘answers’ in my reading: Stay in Chicago or Go Back to Columbus?  With an open mind and optimistic heart, I shuffled the deck and awaited my fate.  (Well at least what I believed to be my fate.)  Two years ago, I was a girl with a broken spirit and broken heart trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged.  I was lost in a big city and lost within myself, struggling to hold onto what made me ‘me’ and adapt to who I (thought I) needed to be.

Despite looking for every reason to flee, I made the decision to stay in Chicago because I felt (within that) my time wasn’t over yet.  I whole-heartedly believe that day was the turning point for me.  Not only did I Trust Myself, but I also Believed in Myself for the first time in a long time. 

Last Thursday night, nearly two years after my first reading, my same friend entertained me with his tarot cards again.  This time my question was different.  Much different.  This time I knew that Chicago was where I wanted to be, and I was much more confident in who I am in comparison to two years ago.  Therefore, I sucked up my confidence- and maybe took another sip of wine- and asked a question that I wanted to ask.  A question that has been on my mind, and perhaps the only question I really wanted to know an ‘answer’ to.

Well, like before, the cards aligned fairly well to tell the story of my past & present situations.  Yet, two things really stood out to me.  The first was this: The thing you desire the most is also the thing you fear the most.  Right away I knew what that one thing was because there’s only thing I desire the most; and coincidentally it just so happens to be the one thing I fear the most.  LOVE.  The only thing that terrifies me for the vulnerability it exposes yet is the reason I keep myself going. The reason I keep searching for answers.

As he summarized my cards, these final words brought along my answer (in the form of clarity): You’re on your way.”  To tell you the truth, that may have been exactly what I needed to hear.  Isn’t that all we really ever want to know?  That all the effort we put in, each and every day, is worth it?  That all the stress and tears are making us stronger?  That each person we meet, and those we love, are guiding us along our journey?  Isn’t that the only answer we’re searching for in life?

When I made the decision to stay here in Chicago two years ago, I had no idea what to expect.  I still only knew a handful of people and my job was still completely unfulfilling.  There were no fireworks nor shooting stars making my decision for me.  Instead, I trusted the spark within that said, “You’re going to be okay.  Just keep trying.”  And I must say it was the best decision I’ve ever made because of all the things it’s bestowed to me these last few years. 

Most times when we feel a feeling, that spark within us, we have no idea what it means.  But don’t worry about figuring that out just yet.  Simply trust that feeling and let it guide you along way.  Because one day, perhaps two years later, those you’ll finally see those fireworks in the sky and gain a clear understanding of why you felt that spark in the first place. 

 

 

~This is one of those times when your brain kicks in and tells your heart, ‘Good things are worth waiting for’.~

decisions, decisions   3 comments

The Zac Brown Band instructs me to, “Quiet your mind. Soak it all in. Enjoy the ride.”  Thanks for the advice, Zac.  I promise I’m trying my best to do just that; however, it’s a difficult task when it comes to something you’re so passionate about.  Something that you truly feel is your calling life.  (And just for the record, this has absolutely nothing to do with a boy.)

Gosh, I wish this whole thing was about a boy.  Wouldn’t that make it easier?  Or at least I wish that a boy was involved with the making of this decision because then I’d have someone else involved instead of Me, Myself, and I.  How about it?  Does anyone want to fall in love with me (and vice versa) for the time being?

When I moved to Chicago two and a half years ago, it was the first time in my life when I really, really, really wished I had a boyfriend.  I just wanted someone by my side so I didn’t have to be alone.  Like always.  I just didn’t want to take care of myself.  I wanted someone to take care of me.  Between you and me, I find myself wishing the same thing right now.

I have a big decision to make and quite frankly I have no idea what to do.  I’ve been trying to feel it out but still nothing is screaming “Yes!” nor “No!” to me.  In fact, if anything, my own heart is being torn each way.  I’m here struggling to find the perfect solution between ration and desire; what my mind thinks and my heart feels; and most importantly, what is Best For Me.  Because even if I had a boyfriend to be included in his decision-making equation, I whole-heartedly know that I’d still have to choose based on what is best for me.

My parents will tell you that I’ve never been good at making decisions.  In fact, when people ask me what I want (to do), I tend to answer with the world’s most casual, “I don’t care. Whatever you want is fine with me.”  But unfortunate for me, this time I have to make a decision.  What is that decision going to be?

remind me that i’m older, to be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder.   Leave a comment

If someone were to ask me how my week went then I might very well have to plead the fifth.  I’ve crammed so much into these last few days that I’ll fail to remember it all.  However, I will report that I’m feeling much better since my last post and, for me, that’s what matters the most.

Wednesday was a jam-packed day- in a good way- and also the day that turned my emotions around.  While I enjoyed an evening (with mimosas) with Michelle, Kristen, and the kids (Max and Keira), it was my time with Dina after work that really changed my perspective on the matter that was draining me.  Now I’m keeping our conversation between the two of us, though I will share a two-word phrase, spoken by Dina, which is one I will continue to carry with me, “Trust Yourself.”

I hate to admit this but life has made me a bit cynical.  I’ve been betrayed by ‘friends’; victimized by high school politics; battled anxiety for most of my life; and suffered from life-alternating heartbreak.  Despite having doubts & fears plague my past, I’m happy to report that part of my life is over.  I, Kristen Medica, have grown enough to (finally) whole-heartedly Trust Myself.  I trust that I know myself well enough to ignore the doubts & cynicism and go after everything my heart desires.

Remind me that I’m older, to be brave, smart, sweet, and bolder.  I’ve begun viewing this past week as a necessary time for reflection.  On Wednesday night, I opted to walk home from Michelle’s for some alone time with Chicago.  For that 60-75 minute walk through street lights and raindrops, I found myself overcome with serenity.  Despite the passerbys and sounds of frantic drivers, I felt like the city was mine to enjoy some peace & (as much) quiet (as possible).  See I was able to tune everything out, including my always-thinking mind, and listen to my heart.  And all I kept hearing was Dina’s voice saying, “Trust Yourself.”

My past is a huge part of me, particularly because it’s filled with struggles and obstacles that I’ve learned to accept (now).  Instead of dwelling on the past and allowing it to how me back with a fistful of regrets, I truly appreciate each tear, frustrating moment, and bad day because I Am Who I Am Today Because of What I’ve Experienced and Overcame.