Sooooo much to say. But given the fact that I just got home (surprisingly sober) and my alarm is going off in less than 3 hours, I’m going to keep this post very, very short. To be honest, if I had time and energy to write then I’m not really quite sure what I would say. See, tonight was extremely interesting. Besides my friends, tonight was evidence of why I question my place in Chicago. If you only knew the things I saw…
Again, I could so much but then again I’m not even sure where to start. There’s a lot on my weary mind right now…including many questions about many topics…but right now I think it’s best to just hit “Publish”; turn off my light; cuddle up under my covers; and think about how I’m going to see little Hazel and George in 11 hours. They are exactly what I need right now, as well as quality time with Rebecca and Adriana.
Another whirlwind week for this girl. Again I find myself in disbelief that it is Friday night. What even happened this week? Being sick is what threw a curveball into my typical routine, and oh yeah, my friend Laura was in town for 1.5 days. Now it’s all coming back to me…
I sit here tonight, preparing for an early bedtime because I have an early wake-up call in order to meet Laura at the Megabus stop at 6:15 am. Yes, the same Laura. It’s a long story but in essence, she’s in town to interview for a position that would bring about her relocation to the city.
So what does that mean for me? Why am I writing about this tonight? I’m not sure, but I do feel the need to get my feelings out of my head. I’m not going to digest everything, but I’ll start by asking myself the question: Am I really okay with staying in Chicago if Laura moves here? That is the most important question and the first of many.
Somehow I found myself talking about a new roommate, new apartment, and new neighborhoods… all in Chicago. Seriously, is this what I want? I don’t know.
It was only a few days ago that I was talking to a few friends about applying for a job at the children’s hospital in Seattle; researching internships and grad programs in Austin, San Francisco, Boston, and Columbus; and sitting on a dream about moving to Florida for my ultimate job. And now I’m close to agreeing on signing a new lease to keep me here in Chicago. Again, is this what I really want?
The squirrels were running around in my head last night as I tried control all of the thoughts: Do I like it here? Do I want a roommate? After living alone for the past two years, can I even live with someone? Do I want to move to a new apartment, new neighborhood? Do I want to stay in Chicago? Can I still handle being at my job for another year?
Worrying about all this stuff isn’t going to give e any answers. So what is the answer? What do I want the answer to be? If I closed my eyes right now, or kept them open, I could image what I want my life to look like…and I’m okay with it being here in Chicago. I really am. I know that it will never look the way I imagine it, but I know that some of those images are capable of becoming true. And even though my recent daydreams and ‘what if’s have taken me to Seattle and Orlando, I’m not really seeing myself in either place- even if the opportunities are part of my dream.
So where does that leave me?
This Chicago…isn’t it the same Chicago that I previously announced as “not feeling like home to me” and “I don’t feel like I belong here”? Isn’t it funny how things change? Here I was, struggling to find my place and the feeling of belonging here, and after two years I think I may finally be onto something. Perhaps the stars have been working their way to align this whole time. How can I walk away now? Am I supposed to stay? Do I belong here now?
I’ve come to the conclusion that Chicago has been my boyfriend for the past two years. I should probably update my Facebook account to read “It’s Complicated” as my relationship status- tagging Chicago if at all possible. (Hmmmm…) It’s been quite a roller coaster ride of what I describe as “good days, bad days”, but knowing that I’m still here, 2 years later, is proof that I’ve never given up the fight. Even amidst the heartbreak and lonely nights, I still continue to give this relationship chance after chance.
Some relationships are worth fighting for and maybe this one means more to me than I realize(d). Only time will tell…
It’s still two human beings trying to get along, so it’s going to be complicated. And love is always complicated. But humans must try to love each other, darling. We must get our hearts broken sometimes. This is a good sign, having a broken heart. It means we have tried for something. — Eat, Pray, Love
Good morning, Columbus!
I feel like I was just here…probably because I was…a month ago. Wow! Has it really been that long since Kristin’s and Jim’s wedding? What a whirlwind the past few weeks have been! Because I’ve been so caught up in it all, I don’t fully comprehend it until I start looking back.
Where have I even been these past few weeks? From what I can remember: Columbus, Pittsburgh, Washington DC, Cleveland, Akron, Memphis, and some time in Chicago. And now Athens. Is that it? I need a nap. A very long nap. Or perhaps I just need to stay in one place for awhile, but (unfortunately) that may not happen any time soon.
Another roadtrip via the ever-so-lovely Megabus. As far as I know, there were no random pit stops in the middle of the night in Nowheresville, IN. I’m under the impression that I slept through the night, well most of it. This ignorant guy in front of me kept putting his chair further back to the point where I had to stand on my seat to switch positions. Seriously? Now the usually mild-manner girl that I am even considered yelling at him, but he spoke Spanish (only), or so I was led to believe. How do you say, “Seriously dude. Are you an asshole or just tired and acting like an asshole?” Once I switched to the other seat and manuevered a sleeping spot, I was out. I didn’t even care that I’d only made it halfway through Dear John. (I read the book and it’s better…of course. But maybe the second half will surprise me.)
Oh well. I made it here and that’s all that matters. We were even early. Thank God for Starbucks opening at 6 am! As tired and groggy as I was getting off that bus, the crisp morning air immediately filled me with the joy as I thought, It’s good to be home, Ohio. Why did I ever leave again? I know, I know. No regrets at all, but I still miss it. When I explained my situation to the barista, she said, “Welcome home.” I didn’t correct her. This is home to me.
I dragged my bags into ‘bucks and assumed my post for the day; made nice with my lovely baristas for the day; and headed to the bathroom to freshen up…all before consuming even one sip of caffeine. I have this down to a science now. Damien Rice’s song, Delicate
, was playing over the loudspeaker. It’s not that we’re scared, it’s just that we’re delicate.
I love this song! Although I used to listen to it during my somewhat-dark, heartbroken-Bella Swan days, in an odd way it’s soothing to me. It reminds me of my past and the things that I’ve gone through: Who I am
That’s a perfect segue into the verbal vomit that is this post. (That’s the name of some girl’s blog and I kinda-sorta like it, in a way.) My dear friend and newlywed, Kristin, is a counselor and through that I may benefit from this little activity. I’ve decided to just post this on here in case anyone- who actually reads my blog (and a million Thank Yous if you do)- would benefit from this little soul-searching activity. As I commonly share, again and again, I have been lost many of times in my life- and still am in many ways now. Jen told me once that “sometimes you have to get lost to find your way.”
Wise words, and so true. While we want answers from other people- our family, friends, significant others, mentors- the answers that we seek are within us all along…we just have to take the time to listen.
Activity: So what is it you really want?
1. What do you want?
2. What must you do to have it?
3. How would you feel when you got it?
4. Now, what do you really want again, but use your answer to question 3.
5. What must you do to have what you really want?
6. How would that make you feel?
7. Now, what do you really want again, but use the answer you just gave in question 6.
8. Repeat 4-7 as many times as neccassary. Then you imagine what it will look like to others when you get what you want, how you feel about yourself, etc.
Just keep this activity in your back pocket (figure of speech) because you never know when it may come in handy. Self-reflection is so important and something we take too lightly. We’re all so caught up in the hussle-and-bustle of our daily lives that we don’t make enough time for ourselves. I admit that I’m guilty of that. Now there are different ways to reflect and reconfigure your goals. Some people write via blogs, journals, poems, etc. Others do yoga. (Which I recommend.) I’ve been known to take walks to help me collect my thoughts- there’s just something about fresh, (cool) air that helps me do just that. Whatever your thing may be, do it. Don’t make excuses, and don’t say “I’m too busy.” You feel ‘too busy’ because you haven’t taken the time to reconnect with yourself, reprioritize your life. We ALL benefit from a little housecleaning and mental/emotional cleanse.
The book, or the movie, Eat. Pray. Love.
promotes the message that I was just speaking of. While I’ll always
prefer books to movies, I have to say that the Eat. Pray. Love. movie trailer
looks pretty good. Every time I see it, I get even more excited. I know this is just the movie (and book) for me, and maybe you too. For anyone who has ever felt lost, needed a good soul-searching, or can characterize themselves as always looking for something
…read this book/ watch the movie. Trust me.
As I reflect on my life- the past, the present, and the future- I realize more and more how I’ve never been able to figure out exactly what I want, and that’s my problem. Maybe yours too? I’ve used to be that girl who was envious of others who knew their exact gameplan…now, I see the beauty in the journey, rather than the destination.
As I sit here in Columbus, the place where two years ago I never thought I’d leave, I can say that I’ve practiced what I preached. I
preach this, or rather share, because
I have lived it…and survived. My hope is that I can help you- whoever you are- do the same, as people did for me. Life is a journey, not a destination.
I, myself, used to question the validity in that statement but I no longer do. Self-reflection and experience have allowed me the opportunity to figure out what I want and what I don’t want. (More the latter actually). I’m stressing this to reiterate the point that you have the answers within you. No one else can hear what your heart is tell you you want. For me, one of the roughest things is not knowing what you’re looking for/ what you really want. It numb you so that you cannot feel anything. And as Lady Antebellum says, I’d rather feel the pain than feel nothing at all.
Here I am, back in Columbus, OH and venturing off to my alma mater for the weekend with friends. Things like this mess with my mind and make it easy for me to think that I want to be back in Ohio, now and forever. Maybe I do? Maybe I don’t? Maybe this isn’t the right time, but maybe it will be one day? Honestly, I don’t know. But this is something that I want to figure out. This is my life, my journey, my happiness that I seek to have once and for all. My dreams that I want to accomplish. No one else’s.
PS. If one more person says how wonderful Denver is, I may scream. If you know me, you know another reason why I say that. Thank you for allowing me to be dramatic for a second.