I thought, maybe it’s a sign, after I saw a sign for tarot card readings last night and again this morning. Hmmm…maybe I should have it done here. Afterall I’ve always been curious. So I posted “to get my tarot cards read or not to” as my Facebook status today (for fun) and this is what my dear friend Darlene responded: Nah … even if there’s some truth to it, life’s better as a mystery. Isn’t that the truth…even though I am still curious about having my tarot cards and/or palm read. (Sorry Darlene!)
I’ve been on vacation here in New Jersey with my family for the past 3 days and spent most of my time relaxing and thinking about as little as I possibly can. Okay, I’ll admit that, for me, isn’t w0rry-free, mindless thinking but it’s better that normal- and I’ll take that.
As I laid on the beach this afternoon, in between naps, I wondered what question would I even ask during my tarot card (if I went). What do I want to ask about? A few concepts came to mind…
Earlier this afternoon I found myself standing in the shallow water saying “I would have my wedding here” to my mom. (Seriously?!!) Her response,“Well did you find who the groom would be yet?” (Yes. Maybe. I hope so. Casey. I don’t know.) Amidst the thoughts running through my mind, my excuse was “I don’t see myself finding ‘him’ in Chicago,” and then rambled about how I believe that I have to figure my life out (aka ‘my shit’) first before the groom (re)enters my life.
Hello, it’s me again
It’s three days now that you’ve been in my dreams
And i don’t know, i guess you’ve just been on my mind
I don’t know, i guess I think about you all the
I promise I haven’t done too much thinking these past few days. I’ve actually slept more than I have in weeks; however, I’ve awoken from dreams that have caused me to think…and think so more. When ‘he’ is in my dream, I cannot help but think of him throughout the next day. I’ve dreamt about him the past few nights, maybe even weeks, and therefore I’ve spent a lot of time- more than I’d like to admit- thinking about him and revisiting the past.
As much as you hate reading about him, I hate thinking (and writing) about him. But it happens and I’ve learned to live this way for many years now. It’s gotten better but then again I find myself lost in memories and ‘what ifs’ more days than not. Like these past few days. With regular dreams occurring, I have a hard time shaking him off in my waking hours. And today, just randomly thinking about the ‘what if wedding’, why is he the only name that pops into my mind?
In deciding whether or not to get my tarot cards read today, I knew that, either way, I’d have some anxiety upon me. I know, I know. It’s probably fake. But you cannot tell me that you’ve never been influenced by something that someone had told you? That’s how I would have been today, for me.
Life’s better as a mystery. I think of these words that Darlene wrote today and realize not to stress about the thoughts that run around my mind. Why do we stress about the mystery of our future? Why do we roll around in our beds at night, sleepless, with anxiety about what our tomorrows may bring?