Archive for the ‘the curse of being single’ Tag
I’m not going to sugarcoat it like everyone else seems to do. I’m not going to tell you that you should celebrate the life that lays ahead of you. The freedom that is granted to you, and the infinite opportunities at your fingertips. Nope, I won’t go there because I know, firsthand, how difficult it is to be twenty-eight and single. I know how lonely it can be to wake up without a boyfriend’s “Good morning, beautiful” text or your Starbucks drink in a to-go cup delivered with love by your doting husband or the cheery calls of an adorable toddler from the room across the hall.
I know that it’s scary to not know what life has in store for you. And even though many will stress how exciting the unknown is, I know it’s more terrifying than anything. I know that you spend more time worrying what you don’t have than fantasizing about what you do. For example, you focus more on why you don’t have a boyfriend, fiance, or husband rather than being excited that you still have the chance to meet the Love of your Life around any corner, or dark bar. Or grocery store trip, because for some reason I’ve been told that it’s the best place to meet someone. (Yeah, I’m not really sold on that, especially since most people at my grocery stores are elderly or obviously in relationships and/or with children.)
I know that when you’re single, at any point in your twenties, you tend to ask, “What is wrong with me? Why am I still single? Why am I always single?” Well, to be honest, I have absolutely no idea why you are single. Consider this one of the great mysteries of the world. But what I do know is that you deserve to be loved and deserve to love someone amazing.
And one day, I promise you, this will come true. One day you will look back on the time when you were twenty-eight and single and wonder why you ever worried in the first place. I really do believe this, so I hope you will to. You are too beautiful, too special to be anything less than ridiculously happy. Maybe twenty-eight isn’t the year you find the love you deserve, but who’s to say twenty-nine won’t be?
Just remember you are worthy of all the beauty, love, and happiness in this world.
There’s a reason I said I’d be happy alone. It wasn’t ’cause I thought I’d be happy alone. It was because I thought if I loved someone and then it fell apart, I might not make it. It’s easier to be alone, because what if you learn that you need love and you don’t have it? What if you like it and lean on it? What if you shape your life around it and then it falls apart? Can you even survive that kind of pain? Losing love is like organ damage. It’s like dying. The only difference is death ends. This? It could go on forever.
~ Meredith Grey
For a second it felt like deja vu… but then I realized I wasn’t the one saying these words. Wow, someone else feels this way too? I’m not the only one? Sure the voice was coming (from a script) through the TV, but someone- who may have once felt this way- had to write it after all. I mean is it possible for someone to write these emotions (words) if they had never been experienced? Doubtful.
For those of you who are not avid Grey’s Anatomy viewers, I’ll share that this is the last line on this past season finale. As it was being spoken, I knew it was meant for my blog. However, what I didn’t know is that respective post wouldn’t entail many more lines than those in the quote itself. Unbeknownst the reason,tonight was the night for me to share this quote. Something in me just felt it, and for those of you who fall under the Intuitive category I’m certain you understand that you can’t ignore such feelings. So here it is. For any others’ eyes to view.
But what about me? How do my eyes (and heart) perceive this line? Well to tell you the God-honest truth, my own intuition is telling me two things: 1) I’m not afraid of losing love as long as I find it. 2) I don’t (think I) want to be alone anymore. After enjoying the companionship of some great guys these past few months, it just makes me realize what I’m missingin my life.
My anxiety is pretty high tonight, and on top of that I’m PMSy and battling some kind of cold/sinus infection (again). That being said, I think it’s best to end this post now. For those of you who know me know that I’m fine. My mind has been wondering all day so just hoping to get some sleep tonight and wake up refreshed.
As soon as I heard the lyrics, don’t be scared to walk alone; don’t be scared to like it, from John Mayer’s Age of Worry, I knew a post was in order. But I sit here, 2 days later not really knowing what to write. In a way I still don’t know, but I’m going to attempt this anyway. Heaven, help me.
If you didn’t (have the pleasure) to know me 2 1/2 years ago, then I’ll let you in on a little secret: I was terrified to move to Chicago. I was afraid of leaving my friends and moving further away from my family. I was worried about moving to a new place where I (really) knew less than a handful of people. I was shaken with fear of living on my own, something I personally vowed that I could never do. But fortunately those days are a thing from the past. Well…for the most part.
I woke up this morning and had this overwhelming feeling that I was in the wrong place. After seeing a few texts from friends and a message in my Inbox from another, I couldn’t shake the notion that I wanted to be anywhere but here. It pained me to rationalize that I couldn’t be in Cleveland and Cincinnati all at the same time. Life just isn’t fair. But, I thought, if I was living back in Columbus again then I’d only be a short two-hour drive to either place. Heck, I could even visit both places in one day if I really wanted to. (Note: Don’t prompt me because you know I’ll pull it off. After all, I am my father’s daughter.)
Now Kristin, before you start celebrating with wine in a leopard glass and dancing around with joy that your plan worked 😉 …know that while I hope it will one day, today is unfortunately not the day.
After responding to the texts and writing an email to another love of my life, I rolled over swearing that I could stay in bed all day. Okay, and maybe, just maybe, I wished that there was a boy laying next to me. Seriously, is there anything better in life than waking up next to someone…well…someone you really like? I guess that’s what happens when you fall asleep watching the Aidan episodes of Sex and the City. Back to my Aidan-less reality and the fact there, of course, wasn’t a guy next to me. Sadly just a laptop and an alarm clock playing some over-played pop song. So I pulled myself out of bed to make it to Kelly’s Spin Class in time.
During class my mind wandered to this thought: What if I wasn’t single? What would that really be like? Honestly, I have no idea. Minus a few whatever-relationships in my day, I think it’s fair to say that I’ve always been single. In fact, some of my very best friends are taken back (with shock first, then excitement) when I say, “I met someone”. (Note: This rarely happens, which you probably know from reading this open book blog of mine.)
I promise you that you’ll never hear me complain about being single. I’ll never whine about not having a boyfriend. I just don’t do it. Part of the reason why is because, truthfully, I’m ok with being single. Now there are several reasons why I say this, but one reason is my freedom. I mean how many people in relationships can travel to three different cities in Ohio for three straight weekends? How many single people can move-in with her friends for a week to help care for her children?
Now the dreamer that I tend to be wants to believe that Mr. Right with allow me these freedoms because 1) he loves me dearly and 2) wants me to do what makes me happy. However, in reality, I know this most likely isn’t the case. But isn’t impossible…right? Trust me, I hear the advice every day from my co-workers and other older friends, “Enjoy your freedom while I can. I wish I did more when I was your age.” While I value their advice, I tend to use my own perspective in seeing what faults lie in the single life.
For starters, it would be really nice to wake up next to someone and maybe/possibly/hopefully have them make/buy you coffee while you stay under the covers. Do you even know how many times I’ve daydreamed about that happening? And maybe I’ve also imagined the whole proposal scene from The Time Traveler’s Wife happening to me. But only once…or twice. (Take notes, potential suitors.)
In all honesty, for me, there’s just one thing that I constantly fight about being single. It’s so silly and probably the main reason why others in relationships desire to have their single man’s freedom back. So…sometimes…every now and then…I wish that someone would tell me where I’m going or what I’m doing. See, that’s the single girl in me. Let me rephrase it by saying that I wish someone would tell me where we are going or what we are doing. Yes, if I’m still blogging when I’m forty and finally in somewhat of a relationship, you can use this post against me. Actually, please do. But really this is how I feel. Call me crazy. Say, “Girl, I wish I didn’t have someone decided what ‘we’ are doing all the time.” And all I can say is, to each his own.
Two and a half years ago when I was getting ready to move to Chicago, for the first time since my childhood days I wished that I had a boyfriend. I wanted someone to be by my side as I veered far out of my comfort zone in the world of the unknown. But it was only me that moved in Apt 807. And it’s still only me, but with a whole lot of people by my side as I continue on this journey of mine. I mostly walk these Chicago streets alone as I head towards the train station, to volunteer or back home after a long day. But it doesn’t scare me anymore to be alone in this city, and in fact, some days it’s what I enjoy the most. Those rejuvenating walks when it’s just the city and me. Isn’t it funny how the one thing that used to scare you can one day become the thing you enjoy the most?
I know I’m stressed or tired when I talk to my mom about boys, and I’m both stressed and tired when I bring up Casey to her. While my mom is one of my confidantes now, it wasn’t always the case- due to my own lack of appreciation for her (most likely), so talking to her about boys, let alone the one who (both) had and broke my heart was certainly off topic for us. But the day came when I finally opened up to her, but to this day I still don’t think she gets it. How can she (?) since I don’t get it either?
Today I did say his name, but it was unlike any of those other few times before. Today I said, and I quote, in my rambling, stressed & tired state of mind, soul, and body, “It feels so good to not be thinking about Casey anymore.” It really does.
With the exception of today, and even amidst all of the go-go-go these past few days, this week has gone fairly well. How could it not when I spend 3 days in the presence of remarkable kids and 2 days with a dear friend? Simply put, things have gone fairly well and I’ve felt really good. I’ve been happy. Now I’m not exactly sure what the catalyst is, besides the fact that I spent hours upon hours in the presence of newborns, toddlers, and inspirational little warriors (kids). I personally think there’s a bit more to it. I think I’ve found out where I belong.
Yesterday I shared that I saw Love and Other Drugs last night and that my review was still being processed. In talking with my mom earlier, when not about boys, I mentioned that “it will be one of those movies that I’ll watch over and over again to explore the notions it presents and how those personally appeal/connect to me.”
Without re-watching the movie today, I found myself on the bus back from Soldier Field, following my conversation and epiphany via my mom’s phone call, thinking about the theme that I took from the movie: That it’s okay to need someone else and not always rely only on yourself.
I’ve taken care of myself for so long, especially these last two years, that I confide in my friends that I think I’ll always be single because I don’t know how to let anyone take care of me. Like other anxiety-ridden and tired nights, tonight I found myself feeding fuel to the fire of this irrational belief that no one will ever be able to let me let him in.
But after thinking my talk with Dina on Wednesday (wow, that was Wednesday?) as she shared her own stories, I know that it takes the love of the right guy to hold your hand as you continue along the path you’ve chosen to follow. Thinking about my friends’ loves- Dina included- and the reassuring gift of hope that I’ve recently received in the form a wonderful guy, I see it more clearly than I have in a long time, or perhaps ever. As for the latter, even if this guy turns out to be another friend along the journey, I’ll take it. Anyone that can restore my faith that there are good guys still out there is someone who I hope will always be in my life, in whatever capacity I’d be fortunate to hold. He’s a rare find, that one, and will make some girl extremely happy. No doubts here.
For at least the second time in the past month, my mom instructed me, during one of our phone calls, “Don’t run away.” Well Mom, I promise you that I won’t run away anymore. Not now. Not next time. Not ever.
Songs of the Moment: Parachute by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=gza-E4k_1OE and Maybe by Ingrid Michaelson- http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FKU3UuJhIxU&feature=related