i know it’s not your fault, but i’m a locked door. anytime i’m a mess by someone before. and i wish that i, i could find the key, to unlock all the things you want us to be. let me open up and start again, but there’s a safe around my heart. i don’t know how to let you in.

Heartbreak is a fact of life.  It happens to the best of us, and in fact, I think it’s what forms our best possible self.  Did I just lose you?  What I’m saying is that- in some ironic fashion- all of the crappy, soul-crippling, unexplainable things that happen to us not only develop our character, but they introduce us to a better version of ourselves.  Isn’t that what life is all about?  Being tested with obstacles to overcome and prove (to yourself) just how strong you are.

I remember being a naive twenty-year old (at OU) and telling my friend, Amanda, “I think I need to have my heart broken.”  She tried reassurring me that my concept was foolish but I stuck with my belief, convinced that it was an experience that I needed in my life. 

I must have jinxed myself because it was only a few weeks later that the first crack in my poor little heart formed, and the beginning of the shattering that has occurred since.  But like I said, I knew it was something that I needed to go through, and boy did I!  It’s something that I’ll never forget and, quite possibly, never fully let go of.  First love & first heartbreak: Two of life’s haunting lessons.

But heartbreak is not synonymous with “The End” and therefore, we all rise again.  It takes longer for some than others, but all of us are capable of overcoming heartbreak.  And for some of us, rising again may be one of the biggest struggles of our lives.  I say “our lives” because I think I’m one of those “us”.

Since my first (real) heartbreak a few years ago has left me scarred, my love life hasn’t been more than a few crushes, a friends-with-benefits-gone-wrong, 3-4 one-nighters, and a whole lot of nothing- especially since moving here two years ago.  As my heart continued to shatter over time, I found myself chaining it up more and more.  One day, I decided that it was best to throw away the key…hoping that one day, someone (maybe a particular someone at one time) would find it and unlock the chains to my heart.  Without sounding too desperate, that hope hasn’t gotten me too far. 

My Facebook status reads “Single” but if there was a “Single and Available” option then I don’t think I’d find myself choosing it.  Though my ringless finger may scream“Available!” my heart has not.  Why?  Well,  little heartbroken me has been afraid of getting hurt again, and I’ve been afraid of making someone else deal with my broken self. 

Truth be told, I’m tired of being afraid; tired of holding myself back; and tired of not letting a guy get to be “In a Relationship” with me.  I don’t want to hide behind a broken heart anymore.  I don’t want to tell people “Yes, I’m single.” over and over again.  I want to break away from the chains and open my heart again.  I want to be fearless, and therefore, not afraid of getting hurt again.  I’ve come a long way and I want to go even further.

Channeling my inner Carrie Bradshaw, I think that this is my best conclusion: When you’re ready, and I mean really ready, you’ll discover that the chains around your heart were never locked.  And that key that you threw away with hopes to be found by Prince Charming, well you had the key all along.  I’ve had the key all along.  I’m the only one who’s ever had the key.  And, more so, I think I’m almost ready.

 

 Song of the Moment: Need You by Travie McCoy

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2 thoughts on “i know it’s not your fault, but i’m a locked door. anytime i’m a mess by someone before. and i wish that i, i could find the key, to unlock all the things you want us to be. let me open up and start again, but there’s a safe around my heart. i don’t know how to let you in.

  1. I really connected with this post as I was reading it. I think one big reason (maybe even the ONLY reason) why I’m still single is because I’m afraid of getting hurt. I’m afraid of being in a relationship, letting down my guard, becoming vulnerable to a man, and then having my heart crushed and stomped on.

    I know the fear shouldn’t hold me back, but I don’t know how to work through that fear. When you figure it out, let me know, mmmkay?!? 😉

  2. I connected with it too. Actually, I had a hard time writing all of my thoughts down with regards to this concept- revealing how I,too, struggle with this. But after reading your comment, I found myself walking today and coming up with this idea:

    I’ve done the heartbreak thing and it was horrible. (As you know.) But I’ve gotten through it and I’ve survived. So if it happens again, I know that I can get through it again. That means that next time, if there is a next time, that I’ll be more prepared to handle it and, I assume, that it will be easier to get through.

    Speaking from my own experience, I think it hurts more to hold myself back because of fear. It’s easier to be fearless and say “I’m doing it” than to find yourself and live with regret.

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