late at night i toss and turn and dream of what i need. i need a hero. i’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light.

I’m just going to say it.  I’m going to tell to tell you how it is.  How it’s always been.  Like rapid spitfire, here are the facts of my life.  My love life- or lack thereof.  Like a game of 21 questions, I’ll give my answers- without any questions being asked.  Okay, here it goes:

I had my first “boyfriend” within weeks of beginning 6th grade; and my second a few weeks later.  (Yeah, I had a lot of “boyfriends” during my middle school years.)  My first kiss was in 7th grade after a school dance.  (I can still- vaguely- remember it.)  My first pseudo-real boyfriend was as a freshman in high school.  (He was a junior at another high school.)  I had my first dose of heartbreak during my senior year of high school, and may have broken my first heart then too.  (Different guys.)  A few years later, as a college sophomore, I experienced a few firsts: First one-night stand (there were a few of those); first other stuff (no sex though); and first real bout of love…followed  by my first broken heart. 

While still mending my broken heart, I indulged in my first friends-with-benefits relationship in the summer following college graduation, which led to my ‘first’ a day after my twenty-third birthday.  I’ve been with four others since then.  (Note: I was neither in a relationship nor in love with any of them.)  And if you must know, the verdict is still out as to whether or not I’ve been in love a second time.  I like to think of it more along the lines of a high school more-than-a-crush.

So that’s my story.  It’s far from a poetic but better than that, it’s the truth.  But while this timeline shares many details, it leaves out so much.  It doesn’t include all of those boys that (may have) liked me but never once told me so.  It doesn’t share how many boys I kissed or made-out with that never called the next day.  And more importantly, it fails to mention all those nights when I curled up in bed wishing that tomorrow would be different; that tomorrow someone who walk into my life and make everything better- or at least have someone to stand by my side.

I’ve been having a fairly emotional week.  I’ve blamed it on being tired and stressed from large amount of school work I’ve had.  However, the truth is, my heart got a bit broken again this week; and as a result, I found myself feeling needy for a guy’s attention.  But the real thing I learned from this week is how much I still struggle with my own issues when it comes to boys and the potential of relationships & love.  While aknowledging that I’ve come a long way, my flaws really shined through this week- at least in my eyes.

I need a hero.  I need someone to rescue me from my own doubts and reservations; someone who can make me believe again.  Someone who can break down my walls and call me out on my issues.  I need someone who sees that I’ve had a rocky time with this stuff in the past and therefore, knows exactly what he can do and say to help me understand that he’s there for me.  I need that hero from my dreams to be more than a figment in my mind.  Instead I want to roll over in the morning and see him next to me.  Wishful thinking?  Yeah, probably.

The truth is I thought I found that hero- once upon a time.  I saw so much in him and really thought he could be the one I’ve always dreamed to find.  I thought he had potential to be a first for me; but instead, it turns out to be another statistic.  It’s okay.  Just disappointing, especially when I really had high hopes for that one.

I should probably end this post differently, but think this is how it’s going to be.  However, I will say that I haven’t fully given up on finding that hero eventually.  Simply I’m just struggling right now to make sense on how something can feel so right, yet be so wrong.  If you want more, listen to the song posted below and it can given an idea of the mood I’m finding myself in.

*The title of this post are lyrics from the beautiful song, Holding Out for a Hero by Ella Mae Bowen.

 

Please do me a favor and “Like” the Live.Love.Learn.Breathe. Facebook page. I’d love to find out who actually reads this little blog of mine and get more feedback from you as my daily wake-up/work/school/sleep/repeat- routine may prevent me from writing as often as I’d like. This link should work- https://www.facebook.com/pages/LiveLoveLearnBreathe/232179646829391?sk=wall. If it doesn’t then you can search through Pages for “Live.Love.Learn.Breathe” or email me at Kristen.Medica@gmail.com.

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13 thoughts on “late at night i toss and turn and dream of what i need. i need a hero. i’m holding out for a hero ’til the morning light.

  1. No one cares about you and your blog. I’m on here because Seth was making fun of you and I thought I’d check this out. You sound pathetic.

    1. Dear Ha,
      Thanks for your comment. It’s great to know that I was wrong about both of you and that it’s not worth wasting a friendship on either you. And if you think this hurt me, you’re definitely wrong.

    2. Who ever this person is = lame and you and your friend both need to go grow the hell up! K is one of the nicest people that will ever come into your life. Your lost! People that are almost 30 and cyber bully are lame and should stop drinking and get over themselves.

  2. “Ha”: I don’t know you, but pathetic is disguising your identity for the purpose of criticizing another person’s feelings, thoughts, and emotions.

  3. Jenny, that’s sweet of you to say. It’s nice to know at least one person cares about me. 😉 And understands the art of creative writing and play on words.

  4. You know what else is pathetic, “Ha”? The fact that you’re acting like a teenage girl who leaves anonymous, bullying comments on the internet. Also, it’s pretty funny that you say that “no one cares” about Kristen’s blog. If that were the case, why would you waste your time reading it? Congratulations on making yourself look like a moron!

    Water under the bridge, K. Water under the bridge.

    1. Thanks Sis. You know I thought the same thing initially, and wondered why he would take the time to leave a comment. Oh well, some people just suck.

  5. Ha u must hate urself or just think Ur so cool. Kristen does so many good things u couldn’t even do with Ur pinky. Cry yourself to sleep bc Ur an absurd ass. Kristen your the best and keep being you. Big smile.

    1. Thanks Josh. I think you’re the best. I thought these stupid things ended after high school, but I guess I was wrong about that too.

      1. There’s silly immature ppl all around u just gotta throw it or them away. Not worth a thought. The ppl that care or are important will stick around and matter in life. They will make u happy and vice versa. Time can win and lose but the winning is the best.

  6. So, I just read this and had to say something about it. First of all, if you have the time to sit around and talk about someone (especially someone who does so many things to better this world), then you seriously need to take a good look at your life, and what you’re doing with it (most likely; you’re not doing anything). Secondly, if you are going to attempt to bully or harm someone on the internet, you should consider using proper grammar and complete sentences.

    Next time, instead of spreading filth and hatred take the time to do something to better yourself and the world around you.

    1. Thanks so much, hun. So sweet of you to step up and reply to his nonsense. I agree wtih you. It’s a shame that people like that don’t but their time to good use instead.

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