don’t know why.

“I just woke up one day and I knew…. what I was not sure of with you.”

~500 Days of Summer

I don’t know if I can fully identify the inspiration behind this post.  Whatever it(they) may be, I’m going to do my best to find the words to explain what’s been going on in my mind lately.  And by lately, I mean much longer than these past few days.  

Primarily because of Facebook and my mother’s hometown gossip mill, I’ve been able to stay updated on the love lives of those boys from my past.  Instead of rambling on about each one’s status- who’s in a relationship, engaged or married to whom- I’ll simply state that most, if not every single guy, has moved on.  From my first “real” boyfriend back in 7th grade to the love of my life from college, and all of those in between that I may have crushed on once before (or vice vera), their current status makes me feel that I am a mandatory stepping stone on his way to finding love.  In other words I am not the one for him, but one he must ‘experience’ before finding the one who is.  And when he makes her his, I’m left behind with a bruised heart and the never-ending question, “What is it about me that he couldn’t love?”

(Example) I met a great guy about a year ago.  He was the first great guy I had met in a while.  I thought there was potential, and believed he thought the same.  But as always, I had it all wrong.  He stopped writing; he stopped caring.  I was confused as to what caused this, but learned that he met someone else.  And now, that someone is his fiancée.  In thinking about him, and the connection we had, I cannot help but wonder, why her and not me? (Absolutely no hard feeling!  Just stating the facts.) 

I don’t know why this always seems to happen.  I don’t know why I always seem to be the one sacrificing her own happiness at the expense of another.  I don’t know why besides the very reason that this is how it’s always been.  This is all I know.  Is this all I’ll ever know?

I know this is coming off cynical.  Forgive me.  My heart is a little broken today (for a few reasons, none noted in this post), but it will be okay.  After all, its experienced much worse.   

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5 thoughts on “don’t know why.

  1. I really loved the honesty of your post. I can relate and know a lot of the students I work with can relate. I hope you won’t mind if I use your quote in my next post on break-ups and being single. I would give credit to your post and will put a link to your blog in my post. Let me know if that would be okay. I just think you said it really well and would like to steal your words if I can.

    1. Thanks Becca! Of course you can share it. I feel like I could say so much more on this topic and wish I had in that post, but glad my honesty was able to shine through. Let’s just say this is something I know very well. Maybe too well.

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