For the past two weeks, I’ve been telling myself to Just blog it out. That used to always make you feel better. But the truth is, I’ve stared at this screen many nights trying to do just that and absolutely nothing comes out. There’s no image of motivation, or song lyric for inspiration. No title to begin, and no Answer to Life to end on. So instead I’ve tossed and turned nearly every night trying to figure out what’s going on with me. Where is my head at? What’s causing my sleepless nights? Why can’t I just seem to shake the old Something’s Wrong funk off?
This image of a cartoon Dorothy and the whole Wizard of Oz theme really seem to be the only things that seem to hit the spot with how I’m feeling right now. To put it best, for the past few hours I’ve been finding myself thinking, Where I am?, What am I doing here?, and How did I get here?.
Between you and me, I haven’t felt this lost & confused in a while… which is evident from the lack of blog posts from yours truly. While life has been busy this past year, especially with grad school, internship, and boyfriend, it really hasn’t been that bad. But now, with the end of internship and grad school drawing near, not to mention the lease on the apartment that I’ve lived since moving to Chicago over four years ago, I’m really starting to wonder What’s Next?
As exciting as it is, I’m starting to feel the pressures of my old frenemy, The Unknown.
In my strong moments, I have all the confidence in the world in knowing that after proving to myself that I can make it here, I can make it anywhere. I dream about the possibilities of living in a warmer climate and falling in love with a new city and new job. But when I’m hindered by anxiety and uncertainty, the questions begin swirling around in my head. What about your relationship? What about all your friends and networks here? How can you afford to move somewhere else? Can you really move further away from your family? What if no one will hire you?
There’s just a lot of questions right now, and unfortunately I’m not very close to any answers. But despite all that, I’m far from giving up. If anything, this is really that Time before something Amazing happens and then you find yourself wondering why you were worried in the first place.
I’m waiting for my Something Amazing to happen. I’m ready for all the pieces to come together and I can finally understand what all these blog days (and, essentially, the big move to Chicago) were all about.
More than anything, I’m ready to put aside the books and student loans and find my passion again. It’s visited in bits and pieces over the past two years, but I’m really missing it. I need it back again.
Can I really (still) call myself a blogger if I never blog? I mean seriously, it’s been months since I’ve actually typed up some resemblance of a clusterf**k/ written therapy that consists of letters, words, and emotional ramblings. What the heck happened??? Where I have been??? What have I been doing instead???
Well, let me start by saying that Summer 2012 has seen a lot of changes. For starters, I’ve been experiencing the summer months through a relationship witha great guy (Cubby) and working through the ups-and-downs that come with the boyfriend-girlfriend status. (Note: Even despite the “downs”, Cubby has proven to be a fantastic guy/ boyfriend.) Additionally, I’ve spent the last few weeks officially unemployed after ending my gig as nanny extraordinaire. (Unfortunately, unemployed translates to NO MONEY. Yeah, it’s been a little rough, to say the least.) Grad school has also kept me quite busy this summer, but I’ve been lucky to have a month-long break to combat the past year’s philosophy of Eat-Work- Grad School- (Relationship)- Sleep.
However, I can say that this summer has also allotted some great news too: I’m going to be doing my (required) Child Life internship this fall at a local hospital in Chicago. The dream is continuing to come true.
This summer has also allowed me to spend time with a out-of-town friends (who visited The Windy City). But although that’s been a perk, I’ve been struggling to spend time with my local friends- primarily due to schedule conflicts and being in a relationship. I promise I’m not saying the latter is a bad thing (!!!), but rather it’s something that I’ve (finally) been able to experience firsthand.
In any case, this summer has been a bit of a whirlwind for me and I really haven’t had much time to blog. Then again, even when I have had time, I can’t say that I’ve felt as though I have anything to blog about. (Call it blogger’s block? Or am I simply struggling to express myself?) Well, while I can’t predict the future, I will say that I hope to jump back on the blog-wagon soon and start writing more. After all, I think I could use a little blog therapy these days.
Hope all is well with you (whoever you are that actually read this).
1. When am I going to get all of this stuf done???
2. These past few weeks are a complete blur.
3. Did I commit to anything this weekend?
4. Maybe I should do Match.com… (I won’t.)
5. I just need a girls’ night in with wine, pizza, and lots of laughing.
6. Why does it seem like every single girl has a boyfriend/fiance/ husband? Seriously? What’s up with that?
7. How do I have such bad luck with guys?
8. I wish I could just jump on a plane and spent the weekend in California. Preferably Wine Country..
9. I really need to start working out again. ASAP.
10. I need to finish painting my bedroom.
11. I need to clean my apartment.
12. I need to go tanning.
13. I am so excited for my date with Max on Saturday night. (He’s 2 1/2.)
14. Should I really be working (nannying) and going to grad school full-time?
15. Why do I always turn back to thinking about “Cleveland” when there’s no other guy in the picture?
16. This past year (with guys) has been interesting, yet disappointing.
17. I don’t think I’ve opened my refrigerator in 3 days- until tonight.
18. Is the reality show phase ever going to end? Now Melissa Rycroft has a show too?
19. If I can get through tomorrow, then I’ll feel better.
20. Someone’s (unexpected) encouragement really can brighten your day.
21. Ugh, school work.
22. I wouldn’t mind falling asleep in someone’s arms right now.
23. How I possibly have more “me” time with so much going on?
24. I miss my family. I could really use a trip home.
25. Why wouldn’t that guy just give me a chance? What did I do to make him change his mind?
26. Part of me just doesn’t care anymore, about anything.
27. I’m more mentally & emotionally exhausted than physically.
28. I need to write a real blog post soon.