Archive for the ‘gaining clarity’ Tag

it’s not always fireworks and shooting stars; sometimes it’s a simple spark within that whispers, ‘you’re on your way’.   Leave a comment

As fireworks lit up the Chicago skyline on Monday night, I laid in my bed falling asleep to the sounds of my city as memories began flashing through my mind.  Alone in my apartment for the first time in ten nights, the booms from the finale reminded me that another Fourth of July had passed- and somehow it was my third in Chicago. 

In early July 2009, I sat in my friends’ apartment on a hot summer afternoon and had my tarot cards read (for the first time).  At the time I was struggling to find my place in Chicago and therefore, hoped to find some ‘answers’ in my reading: Stay in Chicago or Go Back to Columbus?  With an open mind and optimistic heart, I shuffled the deck and awaited my fate.  (Well at least what I believed to be my fate.)  Two years ago, I was a girl with a broken spirit and broken heart trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged.  I was lost in a big city and lost within myself, struggling to hold onto what made me ‘me’ and adapt to who I (thought I) needed to be.

Despite looking for every reason to flee, I made the decision to stay in Chicago because I felt (within that) my time wasn’t over yet.  I whole-heartedly believe that day was the turning point for me.  Not only did I Trust Myself, but I also Believed in Myself for the first time in a long time. 

Last Thursday night, nearly two years after my first reading, my same friend entertained me with his tarot cards again.  This time my question was different.  Much different.  This time I knew that Chicago was where I wanted to be, and I was much more confident in who I am in comparison to two years ago.  Therefore, I sucked up my confidence- and maybe took another sip of wine- and asked a question that I wanted to ask.  A question that has been on my mind, and perhaps the only question I really wanted to know an ‘answer’ to.

Well, like before, the cards aligned fairly well to tell the story of my past & present situations.  Yet, two things really stood out to me.  The first was this: The thing you desire the most is also the thing you fear the most.  Right away I knew what that one thing was because there’s only thing I desire the most; and coincidentally it just so happens to be the one thing I fear the most.  LOVE.  The only thing that terrifies me for the vulnerability it exposes yet is the reason I keep myself going. The reason I keep searching for answers.

As he summarized my cards, these final words brought along my answer (in the form of clarity): You’re on your way.”  To tell you the truth, that may have been exactly what I needed to hear.  Isn’t that all we really ever want to know?  That all the effort we put in, each and every day, is worth it?  That all the stress and tears are making us stronger?  That each person we meet, and those we love, are guiding us along our journey?  Isn’t that the only answer we’re searching for in life?

When I made the decision to stay here in Chicago two years ago, I had no idea what to expect.  I still only knew a handful of people and my job was still completely unfulfilling.  There were no fireworks nor shooting stars making my decision for me.  Instead, I trusted the spark within that said, “You’re going to be okay.  Just keep trying.”  And I must say it was the best decision I’ve ever made because of all the things it’s bestowed to me these last few years. 

Most times when we feel a feeling, that spark within us, we have no idea what it means.  But don’t worry about figuring that out just yet.  Simply trust that feeling and let it guide you along way.  Because one day, perhaps two years later, those you’ll finally see those fireworks in the sky and gain a clear understanding of why you felt that spark in the first place. 

 

 

~This is one of those times when your brain kicks in and tells your heart, ‘Good things are worth waiting for’.~

you look at the world with large brown eyes searching, believing, always wondering why.   1 comment

I really don’t know where to begin.  Gosh, I don’t even know what to say.  But I do feel like I need to say something. For my own sake, I need to say something.  On my last post I shared that I had a big decision to make, and I’m (sorta) happy to report that I made that decision or at least part of it.  And while I was happy about that decision, I found myself saddened by having to raise my voice in defending my decision to my mother.  To my mother, the woman who I hoped would understand and support my decision to overcome any obstacles and follow my heart.  I am so disappointed and upset with her right now that I honestly do not plan on talking to her anytime soon.  It breaks my heart but right now I cannot bear to be surrounded by anything/anyone that does not support my decision to pursue, what I believe to be, my life’s calling.

With my frustrations running down my cheeks (in the form of tears) as I rode the bus home this evening, I found myself struggling to make sense of it all.  From the decision I’ve been trying to finalize for months now until the moment my mom expressed her disapproval, I just couldn’t understand what lesson was meant to be learned.  Isn’t there always a lesson to be learned?  Isn’t there always a reason why everything happens? 

I stared out the rain-covered bus windows as the same-old thoughts and questions ran through my emotionally drained mind.  There I was again, Searching… Believing… (Always) Wondering Why.  Why can’t things be simple this time?  Why can’t I finally make my decision and be on my way to the happiness I seek?

As I look back on my life, I truly appreciate every bump in the road; every scar on my heart; and every mistake that turned into a lesson learned.  That’s the beauty of reflecting back on the past- you’re filled with admiration.  But when those bumps, scars, and mistakes are happening now, well it’s another story.  It’s difficult to gain perspective when you’re feeling overwhelmed with confusion and, perhaps, some heartache.  However, it’s not impossible.  For what we can do is take a very, very deep breath and let ourself take a moment to look down on the situation with (as) clear (of) eyes (as possible). So these large brown eyes of mine are going to keep searching for clarity; keep believing in my heart’s passion; and continue wondering why I let things get in my way of obtaining true happiness.  XOXO

PS. Thanks for letting me get this off my chest. It’s been a long day and this really helps me feel a bit better.