As fireworks lit up the Chicago skyline on Monday night, I laid in my bed falling asleep to the sounds of my city as memories began flashing through my mind. Alone in my apartment for the first time in ten nights, the booms from the finale reminded me that another Fourth of July had passed- and somehow it was my third in Chicago.
In early July 2009, I sat in my friends’ apartment on a hot summer afternoon and had my tarot cards read (for the first time). At the time I was struggling to find my place in Chicago and therefore, hoped to find some ‘answers’ in my reading: Stay in Chicago or Go Back to Columbus? With an open mind and optimistic heart, I shuffled the deck and awaited my fate. (Well at least what I believed to be my fate.) Two years ago, I was a girl with a broken spirit and broken heart trying to figure out who I was and where I belonged. I was lost in a big city and lost within myself, struggling to hold onto what made me ‘me’ and adapt to who I (thought I) needed to be.
Despite looking for every reason to flee, I made the decision to stay in Chicago because I felt (within that) my time wasn’t over yet. I whole-heartedly believe that day was the turning point for me. Not only did I Trust Myself, but I also Believed in Myself for the first time in a long time.
Last Thursday night, nearly two years after my first reading, my same friend entertained me with his tarot cards again. This time my question was different. Much different. This time I knew that Chicago was where I wanted to be, and I was much more confident in who I am in comparison to two years ago. Therefore, I sucked up my confidence- and maybe took another sip of wine- and asked a question that I wanted to ask. A question that has been on my mind, and perhaps the only question I really wanted to know an ‘answer’ to.
Well, like before, the cards aligned fairly well to tell the story of my past & present situations. Yet, two things really stood out to me. The first was this: The thing you desire the most is also the thing you fear the most. Right away I knew what that one thing was because there’s only thing I desire the most; and coincidentally it just so happens to be the one thing I fear the most. LOVE. The only thing that terrifies me for the vulnerability it exposes yet is the reason I keep myself going. The reason I keep searching for answers.
As he summarized my cards, these final words brought along my answer (in the form of clarity): “You’re on your way.” To tell you the truth, that may have been exactly what I needed to hear. Isn’t that all we really ever want to know? That all the effort we put in, each and every day, is worth it? That all the stress and tears are making us stronger? That each person we meet, and those we love, are guiding us along our journey? Isn’t that the only answer we’re searching for in life?
When I made the decision to stay here in Chicago two years ago, I had no idea what to expect. I still only knew a handful of people and my job was still completely unfulfilling. There were no fireworks nor shooting stars making my decision for me. Instead, I trusted the spark within that said, “You’re going to be okay. Just keep trying.” And I must say it was the best decision I’ve ever made because of all the things it’s bestowed to me these last few years.
Most times when we feel a feeling, that spark within us, we have no idea what it means. But don’t worry about figuring that out just yet. Simply trust that feeling and let it guide you along way. Because one day, perhaps two years later, those you’ll finally see those fireworks in the sky and gain a clear understanding of why you felt that spark in the first place.
~This is one of those times when your brain kicks in and tells your heart, ‘Good things are worth waiting for’.~