Archive for the ‘Adriana’ Tag

when your birthday passed, and i didn’t call   Leave a comment

If I had this blog at this time  last year then I probably wouldn’t have written a post entitled, Do the Things You’d Regret Not Doing.  The date may have been January 15, 2010 or not…maybe a day or two after… because last year, on this date, I was traveling on the Megabus to Cleveland to spend the weekend with Julie at the bridal show.  But no matter what day it was written, the post would have been about January 15, 2010…or rather what happened that day and what it meant to me.

I remember that day fairly well. Mostly I remember the nerves that sat in my stomach as I waited for the right moment to carry out my plan: Something I knew I had to do.   And you know what…that moment of Okay, I’m ready did actually happen; and I’m so glad it did.  And now, a year later, all I can say is, “What a difference a year makes!”  On that last note I could indulge you with many details about the impact that last January 15th had on me; all of the things that have happened this past year are because of what I did (for   myself) last January 15th.  January 15, 2010: The day I became Fearless.  While I’d love to inspire others with my story; encourage others to take action to face their anxieties to become fearless… that’s not what this post is about.  Rather I want to do the following.  A few months ago, as my heart was breaking, yet again.  The ever-so-wise, Adriana, instructed me to deal with this (whatever this really is) by writing him a letter.  A letter with no intention of being sent but as honest as willing in case it was.  But even though appropriate on this date, today isn’t the day to write a letter.  But I feel the need to say something and perhaps this is what I want to say:

Happy Birthday! Hope you’re doing well.  Let me know if you ever find yourself visiting Chicago. And if I was truly feeling Fearless in that moment, I’d like to add: I know about you & her.  I’m happy for you two.  I really am. 

I’m not going to text him a Happy Birthday! I hope you’re doing well. tonight.  If he knows me, he knows I remembered his birthday and that I’m thinking of him today.  Sending him well wishes and honestly hoping that he’s really happy.  (I really do.)  See when you really care about someone, whether or not they return the feelings, you just want them to be happy.  Even if you’re not the one that makes them happy.

Song of the Moment: Back to December by Taylor Swift

all my life i’ve tried, to make everybody happy while i, just hurt, and hide, waiting for someone to tell me it’s my turn to decide.   2 comments

As 2010 began I made a pact, witnessed by Adriana, that I was going to dedicate the year to me, myself, and I.  In a crowded bar, in the hopping neighborhood of Lincoln Park (Chicago, IL), I set out to make 2010: My Year.  Declaring it as “My Year” simply meant that, for once in my life, I was going to put myself first.  Do the things that make me happy instead of always trying to make, well, everyone else happy.  Okay, so if you know me personally and/or read this blog regularly then you know that most of my time (work, volunteering, social life, traveling to visit friends) is dedicated to helping others while serving my own happiness needs.  My desire to help others is innate and therefore, it’s best to just accept it as a fact of (my) life, as I have.

On my way to volunteer today, I ran into Starbucks for an impulsive, yet necessary, Soy AmeriMisto.  In there I came across a father, equipped with two sleds (maybe one was a boogeyboard) and an inner tube, along with his three bundled-up young children.  I couldn’t resist from asking them how their trip was going, especially since looking at them I immediately found myself recalling winter sledding trips to Hartwood Acres with Nicky and my dad.  The oldest of the three was probably only ten, so just imagine how much fun I had talking to them about their sled riding, acknowledging the little boy’s Ohio State hat, and talking to them about their upcoming visit from Santa.  Innocence.  Beautiful innocence.  These kids make you want to believe in Santa all over again, just seeing the little sparkle in their eyes and the excitement in their little voices when I asked them how many days until Christmas.  “SIX DAYS!” they all screamed together.

As I’ve said before and I’ll keep saying, this past year has been a whirlwind for me.  While we can joke about all the travel and having too many friends back in Ohio, I sit here knowing that I followed through on my pact.  I lived my life to the fullest this year.  I lived my life for me.  Sure, many people were affected by the choices I made, but each decision I made was my decision.  I chose where and when to go and who to see. 

This is the first time in my life that I’ve been able to say that.  Blame it on my Point Guard background  and being my gracious mother’s child, but I’ve always lived my life for the benefit of others….continuously putting any of my needs aside, even thinking, What needs? for most of my life.  Looking back on my adolescence I now know that my kindness and generosity were taken advantage of  time-and-time again.  But while it proved to be discouraging at times and led me to lose trust in several people, I never stopped giving myself and my time to serve others: my friends, my family, my classmates, my teammates, etc.  As I commonly put it, this is “me“.  And while it can prove to be frustrating at times, I know that this is who I want to be.  But in stating that, I have to share that this ‘me’ isn’t the teenager that she once was, and instead she’s the girl who gained a lot of clarity these last twelve months.

In two weeks I’ll be getting ready to head back to Chicago (from Pittsburgh) and embarking on another year.  Another year of personal growth.  Another year of taking chances.  Another year of finding out who I am and who I desire to be.  I know that all of this is necessary in order for me to do what I want to do because in order to help others, one must help herself/himself first.  Figure out who you are; what you want; and what makes you happy.  By taking care of Y.O.U., you will be capable of giving so much more to others.  That’s an important lesson that I learned this past year: I can give more to others by taking care of myself.  And more importantly, staying true to myself- being me, myself, and I– will cause a domino effect of impact.  This is something I’ve discovered firsthand this past week through interacting with Rebecca & Ryan and receiving feedback from multiple people via the World of Social Networking that we’re living in (ie. Facebook, Email, and This Blog).  By me being me and you being you, then we motivate others to do the same for themselves.  By being ourselves, we can inspire others to follow their dreams and live for their passion. 

I can Make A Difference by being me.  You can Make A Difference by being you.

begging for the truth, so i’m saying this to you.   1 comment

When people show you who they are, believe them.
Maya Angelou

If you want the truth, I have no idea what to say but I know I have to say something.  I’ve been distracted all morning and Selena just asked me what was on my mind and, like I told her, “I have no idea.”  Maybe I need to attempt to get this little bug out of my system the best way I know how: Write it out.  Let’s call it my really late lunch break, okay?

With another long weekend behind me and 3-hours of sleep the night before, I opted to call it an early night.  After adoring Aidan Shaw for a few episodes and writing my post, I turned off the lights around 7 pm and looked forward to a full 10-hour nap.  Unfortunately my body had other plans for me.  I don’t believe I fell asleep.  And I’m pretty sure I laid there, tossing-and-turning as my tired mind did the same.  As its known to do, my mind began doing that over-thinking thing; however, it didn’t end there.  Soon I found myself in tears…then shaking.  I told myself that I was just tired, which was certainly true, but I couldn’t calm down.  Even thinking of little Hazel, which I’ve begun to do when I find myself rattled up, didn’t put an end to my emotional mess. 

So what were these worries of mine?  And what was the catalyst that started it all?  Was I whiny with exhaustion or was there much more to it? 

Here I am, many hours later still trying to make sense of it all…trying to figure out the truth, with hopes that it will break me out of this mini-funk. I’m doing it for myself, but I guess I’ll also be doing this for whoever is reading this.  See, after reading an email last night I’ve been thinking about why I blog and what I blog about.  I started this blog after my friend, Adriana, explained that “it’s free therapy”, which it really is and the reason I continue to write on here.

But over time it turned into something more.  Upon discovering that 1) people actually read this; and 2) people like it – and (gasp) even find themselves inspired at times by my words- I began seeing my blog in a different light.  I realized that by opening up about my experiences, mistakes, ‘issues’, lessons learned, and bad days, I can comfort another by allowing them to see that they aren’t the only one. 

Yesterday still has me a bit shaken up, but once I figured out the truth behind the occurrence then I’m sure I’ll be categorizing it as another learned lesson.  But for now, I’m going to believe that by me experiencing that moment… and writing about it on here… I was able to comfort another by knowing that someone else has been there too.

good morning, december.   Leave a comment

Despite a late night, I woke up shortly after my 5:00 am alarm went off.  Okay, I hit snooze 1,2,3, maybe 4 times, checking my email and reading a message from Alisha, but then I decided to physically get up.  Remembering that I didn’t want GLEE last night, I opted to incoporate it into my gettin’ ready routine, instead of rushing myself out the door per usual.  BEST IDEA EVER!  It’s almost 7 am, time for this girl to head off to begin her commute, and I am full of glee as I start this Wednesday….December 1st.  I cannot believe it’s December!

Eleven months ago, with my dear friend Adriana by my side, I made the decision that 2010 was going to My Year of Me.  I didn’t mean that in a selfish way, because that’s truly not my style, but instead I knew that it was time for me to put myself first- for once in my life.  It’s been quite a year for me.  A year of taking chances and learning lessons.  Its been A.MAY.ZING. 

So these next few weeks I’m going to reflect on this past year to remind myself of how far I’ve come and to serve as a reminder for next year when I look back on this time and think the changes I endured during another year.  So here’s to another December in Chicago and to all of the people who stand by my side as I continue along my journey.  I love you all.

oh darling, don’t you ever grow up, just stay this little. oh darling, don’t you every grow up, it could stay this simple. i won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart, and no one will desert you. just try to never grow up.   Leave a comment

George and Hazel.  Hazel and George.  These are the two precious faces that I woke up to every morning last week, and these are the faces that I wished to be woken up my this morning- however, no such luck.  I’m back in Chicago, waking up in my little 1-bedroom apartment, with thoughts of Hazel & George dancing through my head.  I never thought I’d say this, but I just want to go back to Cincinnati.  (Sorry Pittsburgh.  At least it’s not Cleveland.  See, I know where I come from- sorta.)

Before I express my unconditional love for these two darlings and their parents, I have to begin by declaring that, before last week, I really didn’t think I’d ever have kids of my own (nor adopt).  For most of my life, I’ve never given marriage nor kids a second thought, even those I love love love kids and am relatively good with them.  Okay, I’m pretty great with them.  Anyways, for some reason, I just not thought that it was for me.  There’s really no explanation why this thought first entered my mind nor why it’s remained there so long.  But being bombarded by love and adorableness in the form of a 2-year old (Hazel) and an 8-month old (George), I, Kristen Medica, admit that I’m not sure if I can imagine not having kids now…one day.  Yes, I said it and only time will tell (que sera, sera) but a text from my friend, Matt (MT), confirmed my notion again:  It would be a shame if u never had kids. You will make an incredible mother.  Mr. Thompson, I actually agree with you on this one.  Again, que sera, sera, but after being with Hazel and George for a week I think it’s fair to say that I’ve had a change of heart.  They’ve changed my heart.

When I first met Hazel 1 1/2 years ago, it was truly love at first sight.  She was the first baby I’d really been around since my cousin, Ryan, about 11-12 years ago.  So yes, I was a  little out of my comfort zone.  But looking at little Hazel and having her look at me with her big brown eyes, I knew I was in trouble.  From that moment on, this little girl could do no wrong in my eyes.  Her smile lit up more than the entire room.  It lit up my entire heart.

(Hazel, our little photographer, took this picture of her baby brother.)  And now there’s Georgie too.  When I first met him last April he was only a few weeks old and in September he wasn’t too active yet.  But now he’s crawling and his cuteness radiates through his irresistible smile.  Watch out, future OU ladies!  This boy will be a heartbreaker.  He’s already captured my heart.  George, you little cougar bait. 

Enough of this, let’s get to the good parts.  I had so much fun with these two and their mom, Rebecca, last week.  After our Trick-o-Treat adventures, we settled into their traditional weekday schedule.  Unfortunately the kids stayed at their sister’s during the work hours, only providing me with Hazel & George time for a little bit before they left in the morning and a couple of hours when they got back.  It’s wasn’t enough!  I found myself like a puppy waiting for my “owners” to come home and play with me.   And play they most certainly did. 

Every moment with Hazel and George, I found myself perfectly content and lost in the enjoyment of their company.  There was nowhere else I wanted to be but there with them.  How often do we find ourselves in moments like that?  In our fast-paced world of endless possibilities we always think about what else we could be doing.  We check our cell phones and Facebook just in case so we don’t miss anything.  I do it too.  But last week, when I was with these kids, I didn’t even know where my cell phone was.  Nor did I careless who was ‘in a relationship’ with whom via stalker net Facebook.  Instead, I spent my evenings smiling and laughing as I took part in games of hide-and-go-seek; dinnertime picnics; finger painting; swim lessons; watching Elmo on ‘the little screen’ (my former computer); playing naptime-and-cockadoodledoodle (long story); and my favorite, cuddling on the couch watching Beaver Beaver (aka Leave it to Beaver). 

As the week passed, day-by-day, I found myself getting upset about leaving.  When Friday morning finally arrived, it was truly bittersweet.  But the show must go on.  Taking the day off from work left me with a full day of playtime with my BFF, Hazel.  In our PJs, we drove Rebecca (mommy) to work and then took George to the sitter.  We played games on the way back to Casa di Hazel before having a breakfast picnic with (another DVD watch party of ) Elmo.  We got ourselves ready, with me mistakenly giving Hazel my camera (note her photo of me here), and we loaded ourselves – and my bags :(- into the car.  With Hazel insisting on taking photos in the backseat, I programmed “Starbucks” into the GPS. 

Just our luck, the Starbucks happened to be in a Target.  If this Starbucks in a Target would have been in Athens…well, I think only one word would have explained it: PRICELESS.  Note: If you haven’t fallen in love with Hazel yet, you are going to in a few seconds.  Don’t say I didn’t warn you. 

Let me backtrack a bit and say that earlier in the week, I happened to inform Hazel that Adriana was sad.  In her 2-year old Why-stage, she appropriately asked, “Why?”  I let her now that Pat’s mommy is sick, which led her to ask, “Is Pat sad too?”  (Enter adorableness.)  “How can I make them happy?”  I love this little girl so much!  All week she kept asking what she could do to make Adriana & Pat happy.  First we painted and colored for them, but it was my brilliant idea in the Starbucks in Target where I decided to let Little Miss Happy-Maker pick out gifts to make Adriana and Pat happy. 

With our Starbucks coffee and OJ in hand, we headed to the $1 bin where Hazel picked up colorful spoons and clips, asking me, “Will this make them happy?” after each.  She then decided that gummy bears will definitely make them happy and clutched them proudly in her tiny hands.  I informed her that Adriana loves Hello Kitty (like Hazel) and so we headed to find some HK-happiness.  Our search eventually led us to the toy section where Hazel chose squishy balls- orange for Pat, pink for Adriana- and then allowed her to pick out cards for each of them- one with two cats on the front for Pat, a purple “this is such a pretty one” for Adriana.  Again, I love this little lady.  After paying for our happiness treats, we giggled our way to the car, past two men putting up Christmas decorations, and got back in the car.  Unknowingly, I let Hazel use markers to colored Pat’s and Adriana’s cards on our way to the Children’s Museum.

After a little detour and a nap (for Hazel), we found our way to the museum.  “Are you reeeaaddyy?”, I asked Hazel.  “YES!”, she exclaimed.  “Are you reeeaaddyy?”, she asked me.  And away we went.  We played for a few hours, took photos in the photo booth, and then grabbed lunch before heading to pick up Rebecca at work.  Before leaving the museum, a woman came up and complimented me on Hazel’s proper behavior.  In thanking her and pointing out that she was my friend’s daughter, I found myself with such pride- as though she was my daughter.  I would be honored to have a daughter as precious as her.  Her kindness is innate and truly a result of the love & care that her family shows her.

After picking up Rebecca and Georgie, we opted to spent the last few hours together at Graeter’s and then the pet store.  Best idea ever.  These precious moments made me realize just how special these children are and how blessed I am to have them in my life. 

It was so difficult to say goodbye to them when the time came.  Especially little Hazel.  After spending the entire day with her, I didn’t want to leave her now.  I wanted to go on Starbucks and Target runs with her all the time.  I wanted to let her pick out happy gifts when all of my friends needed them.  I wanted to sit with her in my lap every night and watch Beaver Beaver before bedtime.  I wanted to be there to protect her from all the sadness and anger in the world, and to make sure she was always happy. 

I just got off the phone with my brother and he asked me point-blank: “So (after last week) are you going to give your parents grandkids or not?”  I think he was surprised by my “Yes” response, yet very relieved since he doesn’t plan on being the one in our family to do so.  I think it’s fair to say that if  that does happen and I become a mother one day, my parents, my brother, (my husband/boyfriend/whatever), and me will have to appropriately thank the entire Littleton Family: Nate, Rebecca, Hazel, and George.  I love you all! 

After telling my brother all about my week at Casa di Hazel & George, I found myself rambling as I tried to explain how it made me feel.  While some words relayed my point, I again found it difficult to convey the impact that last week had on me.  Do you ever feel that way?  Like something is so special, so meaningful that you will truly be the only one who understands?  Anyways, I did find a few words to express how I feel about little Miss Hazel and my brother was the lucky one who got to hear them:

“I just want her to be happy.  Really happy.  Always happy.  Her life doesn’t have to be perfect, but I want her journey to be pain-free.  I don’t want her to ever question where she belongs or if she’s loved.  I don’t want her to deal with bitchy girls or have her heart broken.  I want more for her than I want for myself.  I want her to always be confident about who she is and go after everything that she wants.”

  

Song of the Moment: Never Grow Up by Taylor Swift

you think you’re lost, but you’re not lost. you’re not alone.   Leave a comment

Yesterday was a very long day.  The alarm went off at 4 am and I think finally shut my bedroom light off around midnight.  Those hours may or may not paint a clear-enough picture, but like I said, “It was a very long day.”  Both a good day and maybe a bad day (at parts); a fun day and an emotionally-draining day.  It was just another day, but it also proved to be much, much more than just another day.

After trekking to the suburbs for a work day at my supervisor’s house, I enjoyed a dinner out with her and her two teenage daughters.  While spending time with them I recalled my teenage years and how awful complicated tricky (?) they were, making me want to let them know that I’m happy to be a supportive confidante in their life.  Like Alisha, I now feel like an older sister to Laura & Liz, and I want all three of them to always know that they can count on me.  They never have to feel alone.  I want all of my friends to know this.  Sure the teenage years are tricky/complicated/awful but so are the years that follow.  None of you are ever alone.  I’m always here for you.  And yesterday, I realized (again) that I’m not alone either. 

(Thank you, Adriana and Stef.)

On the train ride back to Union Station, my tired mind decided to do something that led to finding something out.   (Yes, I’m going to be very vague here.  Sorry.)  Something I’ve claimed I wanted to know for while, but last night proved that instead it was something that I needed to know.  It’s okay.  I’m okay.  But I will definitely say that my already-broked heart shattered into a million pieces in a milisecond, as I sat on the train- alone- feeling absolutely nothing at all.  No real sadness nor anger…at least not for awhile.  I curled my legs into my core and wrapped my arms around my knees just to feel something.  I needed to feel something.  Once I finally began to feel something, the sadness, the anger, the foolishness, and the confusion began to set in.  While I wanted to be alone with my thoughts and feelings, I knew I’m blessed to have many someones to rely on during moments like this.  So instead of allowing myself to be alone, which is typical ‘me’, my fingers texted Adriana.  I’m glad they let her be there for me.  I’m glad I have her to count on.

After getting off the train and waiting for the bus, I figured it was best to head home and call it an early night.  It was (only) 8 pm, but with the upcoming night and next week’s trip to Cinci I thought it was best.  So I attempted to cancel my coffee/tea date at Starbucks with Stef, but immediately upon hearing her voice on the other line I realized that it was best for both of us that we still met.  She needed me and I needed her.  After all, that’s what friends are for.  Stef and I indulged in our ‘bucks and always-wonderful conversations about work, life choices, boys, and soul-searching, learning more how comforting it is to have someone else who understands you. 

I only wish I learned this sooner, but then again I know that it’s the friends I have now that were the best teachers to help me through this lesson. 

I thought I’d be a bit of a wreck after Stef left, thinking too much about what happened earlier in the evening; however, our  talk and my tiredness soothed my mind enough to allow me to pass out as soon as my head hit the pillow.  But this morning proved to be a different story as I woke up with my lovely ‘friend’ Anxiety on top of head.  I kept going back to sleep for increments of 15-30 minutes, before finally waking up at 9 am.  With packing & cleaning for my week in Cinci with Rebecca, Hazel, and George ahead of me, I’ve been in a panic all day as I try to get everything done AND deal with Anxiety’s troubling thoughts before heading out for my Halloween night adventures with Sarah, Jenny, and Nicole.  Halloween: The perfect day to put on a costume and cover-up all your worries. 

How do I feel today?  Confused and foolish.  But I could make it a lot worse by sitting here with my worries and regrets, wondering ‘what if’, and feeling alone.  Do I want to do that?  Yes Maybe A little bit.  But that really isn’tme and if I’ve learned anything since moving here 2 years ago, it’s that I’m not alone and so I should never let myself feel that way (on purpose).  Instead I’ll put on my red shoes and a “sassy” (not-at-all slutty) Elmo costume and have a night out with Cookie Monster, Cupid, and Snookie (Sarah, Jenny, and Nicole respectively) for an unplanned, eventful night in Chi-town.  And tomorrow morning, bright-and-early, I will throw my Elmo costume in my suitcase and head out for a Megabus ride to Cinci to see all of my kids- including Hazel & George- reminding me ago that I’m definitely not alone.

Yesterday’s discovery is definitely going to hurt for awhile, but I with tonight’s adventure with the ladies, next week in Cinci with the Littletons and Adriana, and my upcoming trip to Columbus with Stef, my brother, and a bunch of Ohio friends, I know I’m going to be okay.  I may feel a bit lost right now, but there’s nothing better being in the company of people that you love and love you back.  

Have a great night, everyone.  My mom ‘believes’ that I’m going to meet the love of my life tonight, but I digress.  Rather me, maybe you will.  And if you do, I’ll give you her advice: “Don’t push him away” even if he is wearing a toolish and/or foolish costume.  It’s underneath the costume that matters.  His heart.

 

Song of the Moment: I Won’t Let Go by Rascal Flatts  (Thanks Stef!)

drop everything now…meet me in the pouring rain…kiss me on the sidewalk…take the pain away.   Leave a comment

Standing on the platform in Evanston waiting for the Purple Line last night after work, a chill came over me.  All I wanted was someone to put their arm around me.  Is that asking too much?  I tell you this because after having that thought, I immediately had another thought: That’s not typical for me. 

Sure I would have loved for  that someone to be a cute, single guy that likes me best in grey sweatpants and no makeup, but honestly I would have taken the arm of one of my girlfriends, lovely gay boyfriends, or family members.  Someone’s arm around my shoulder, letting me know that everything is going to be okay.  Or perhaps, just showing me that someone is there beside me.

Friends of mine all over the country- mostly in and/or from Ohio- are struggling and I strongly dislike hate that I cannot be there beside them with my arm around their shoulders.  Wiping their tears.  Showing them that there is still beauty in this world and that our friendship is one example.  Instead I am restricted to using my words through emails, Facebook postings, text messages, phone calls, and greeting cards to comfort them in during these rough and never-ending frustrating days. 

Aren’t the Terrible Twenties glorious?

A message from Julie yesterday broke my heart and actually brought tears to my eyes.  A few weeks ago when I visited her in Akron (for less than 48 hours), I was able to hug her worries away.  But now, once again I am resulted to using my words to warm her sad, lonely, and confused heart.  My heart breaks just thinking about her now.  As depression seeps into her soul, I cannot physically shield her.  I cannot drag her on spontaneous trips to Meijer like we used to do when we both lived in Columbus a few years ago.  I cannot accompany her on a day-long hike through the middle of nowhere Ohio until she finds peace in nature.  I cannot spoil her with a sushi date nor laugh hysterically while watching the ridiculousness that is Where the Wild Things Are.  I just want to put my arm around her and tell her everything is going to be okay. 

Adriana has been struggling lately with a laundry list of issues that I wish would disappear at the snap of my fingers.  She’s only been in my life for over a year now but I honestly cannot remember life before her name.  I laughed with irony when she calls me her “little human xanax/prozac”.  Even though we both know that the other is there for us when she cannot be there, it just isn’t always enough.  Fortunately are written exchanges can compensate during our anxiety-ridden days but there’s nothing better than curling up together in our OU sweatshirt blankets with tea/coffee/hot chocolate sharing a bag of Twizzlers.  Fortunately, we get to do that soon when I venture out to Cinci next week (!), but I’m still wishing that I was there right now…forcing her to soothe her worries with my heavenly Starbucks and companionship.  I’ll be there soon, A.  Very, very soon!

I think of Alisha a lot, especially since her life is paralleling mine from (gasp) 6 years ago.  She’s nearing the end of Fall Quarter at my alma mater, Ohio University, and is beginning to have the never-ending questions surround life after graduation exhausting her weary mind.  Having worn those shoes and overcoming the struggles myself, I am honored to give her encouraging words from the lessons that I learned.  However, it’s not enough for me.  As her “Big Sis”, I want to be there to shield her from the negative thoughts, doubts, worries, and fears.  I want to carry her when she feels too weak and too tired to spend another day questioning what’s next?  I want to sit with her at Alden Library; drink coffee at Donkey; buy her a shot of liquid therapy at Red Brick and Cat’s Eye and The Pigskin.  I want to take her to Libby’s and my secret bench on South Green that helped us work through our own problems and walk her around the back streets of Athens as Brandon and I did when we needed a listening ear.  I want to show her that she will get through these tough times and that I’ll always be there to remind her of so.

And listening to Taylor Swift’s new song, Never Grow Up, I thought of Rebecca and her lovely little Hazel.  These lyrics led me to sending the song to Rebecca, indicating that I smiled think of their mother-daughter relationship, as well as the impact Hazel has on me: 

 I won’t let nobody hurt you, won’t let no one break your heart; And no one will desert you; Just try to never grow up, and never grow up

Rebecca responded with such gratitude, stating that this song put things into perspective again as she’s been run-down as the Terrible Twos continue to hit their household.  I am so happy that I am actually, physically able to be there for them next week!  Though as I feel with all of my friends, I want to be there for them all the time.  Through words I constantly tell Rebecca how much I admire her and how she inspires me to (maybe) become a mother one day.  But I want to show her through a hug, a smile, a girl’s day of pampering how much her family has impacted my life.  I want to be there beside her to take away her stress and remind her to enjoy all the little joys that Hazel and George bring her life and all of ours.

Going back and thinking about yesterday when I was waiting for the train, maybe I didn’t necessarily want someone to put there arm around me.  Perhaps I wanted to put my arm around someone else.  Isn’t that more likely for me?  Afterall I’ve been thinking about all of the people- more than just the ones mentioned above- that need my support these days.  Maybe I just wanted one of them to be beside me, to put my arm around them?  I don’t know.  Remembering that moment, I definitely wanted an arm around me.  Perhaps I’m finally ready to let someone be there for me?

Dating back to my teenage years, I’ve struggled to find people who I could trust and really open up to.  All of these friends that I praise in my blog posts- the four above being included- have really helped me breathe again.  They’ve showed me that not only can some people be trusted, but that I need to be able to confide in others to be by my mind; to let them put their arm around me.  One day, hopefully sooner than later, that arm will belong to a cute guy that does like me for me.  Flaws and all.